She may never have any memory of what she's done to you. That is the reality of it. XABF proposed to me, but never remembered, then when I asked him about it, he wanted to continue things as they had been (before his proposal). Whatever they do in blackout, nice or not, is gone, it never existed for them.
For your own sanity, try to let go of some of this, and begin focusing on you. When you start down the rabbit hole of her realising what she's done to you and herself, stop! Remember that it no longer exists for her, that it may have never happened for her. Cold, I know, but you've got to take care of yourself now.