Indisposed

Yeah, that's my harsh reality. I'm expecting something more than how she left it with the unsincere and cliche "I'm sorry it had to be this way." It was like you already kicked me in the damn face by how you went about things, but that was the cherry on top lol.

I'm coming to the realization that I shouldn't expect anything from her in the future. I expected her to treat me better, and stop lying during the relationship and she loved me while doing all of that. If she doesn't love me anymore, why would she be any better in the future?

I'll be honest - I blamed alot of her mistakes on her youth, mental illness, and addiction. Gave her every chance to grow as a person, but in the end she's still the same type of person she always was - all about herself and what works best for her. Maybe she really does believe she can fix this person and vice versa?

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think we could fix eachother in the past too. It goes back to the codependency issues people have brought up in this thread. I never looked at it this way until it was brought to my attention. Always looked at it like it was two people trying to bring the best out of eachother.

Addiction/mental illness/narcissist aside, I'll never understand how certain people can be so selfish and inconsiderate for other's feelings. Maybe it's my big heart or the way I was raised, but I have always lived by the notion of "treat others how you would like to be treated." Every person is battling something so it helps to be nice and respectful. You never know how little of a kind gesture could change a person's day or change their mentality.

I'm just tired of blaming her addiction. She's clearly not a very good person, whether she's sick or not. I've known plenty of addicts who can still be a nice, respectful person.

Beachn

Hey Ez,

I’ve been following your story and have a good idea what you’re feeling and going through. In my experience once alcohol addiction takes over whatever decency a person has begins to be killed off until all that’s left is someone that is really no different than a sociopath. No conscience, no remorse and certainly no empathy for anyone they’ve harmed. Doesn’t matter who it is. Spouse, child, parent, friend… all treated like **** then discarded if they can get away with it, neglected if they cannot.

Codepency made me nuttier in some ways than my qualifier. You have to be crazy, or a masochist, to endure the treatment a alcoholic doles (I initially said codependent doles out.. it wasn’t what I meant but it’s valid too) out AND be crazy enough to think you can change them. I realized it’s the things we do as codependents that really screw us up and keep us stuck.

You will never understand her mindset so stop driving yourself nuts trying to. A person with empathy will never see or feel things the way someone without does.

Consider yourself lucky you didn’t have children or mixed financials. You have dodged a major bullet. It may not seem like it but you have. Crying over a nasty alcoholic that will spit in your face, cheat lie etc is a sad state of affairs and one I hope you see needs to stop. Cry over your lost self esteem and lost self respect then get to work fixing them. It’s not an easy road, but so worth it.

Indisposed

Thank you for reaching out. I honestly had that moment yesterday where I started crying but stopped and asked myself "why am I crying so hard when it clealy isn't affecting her the same way?"

You are right though about everything you said, and you aren't the first (or last) person to tell me to be thankful that I had nothing holding me back with her (kids or shared residency). She wanted to have children with me starting two years ago and wanted to move in together 2 years into our relationship. My gut always told me that :

1. If I moved in with her while she had this battle, all of it would fall on me based on her credit score, past debt collectors, and lack of job security.
2. She wasn't ready for children, and I couldn't find myself willing to bring an innocent human into the picture while she couldn't even take care of herself.

I'm trying to remind myself that my gut was always right when it came to her, and maybe I should've trusted myself more than I trusted her.

I'm also trying to remind myself that all my issues with her including her addiction, lack of trust, and her argumentative personality are no longer my issues and now someone else's. Everything that drove me to think about ending our relationship multiple times isn't suddenly fixed and this new relationship isn't a romance made in heaven.

I think I was stuck in envy and jealousy thinking that someone else would get a fixed and better version of her that I never got. Just have to keep telling myself that she's only 7 weeks sober (for all I know), and her past history and how she's going about her recovery is setting up her up failure.

I think once I start thinking about the negative things more than the what if's and all the emotions I have towards her, I will start understanding what people have told me in this thread more. I still find myself thinking how insanely fast all of this happened, and that's why I'm struggling to understand now. I know I'll get there slowly, but until then one day at a time.

HardLessons

EZ

Or addicts are not rational thinkers There is nothing normal going on in their brains its all a big jumbled up constant mess. A mess to the point where non addicts have great difficulty understanding. Especially if they are long term addict which you said she is There is no point thinking you will ever get rational normal behaivor from her. She is an addict doing what addicts do.

I think its important to know your limitations with her. For me after years of being away from my addict, I know damn well my limitations - I cant deal with her. I have to stay away from her otherwise she will work me over & turn me back into a mumbling idiot & much worse. Its clear to me that for your own sanity & safety you need to take back control & block this addict on everything. I know its a very difficult decision. If you dont block her by your own actions you are simply inviting more caos into you life.

Count your blessings you didnt get engadged or marry her. If you had youd still be dealing with all the same major BS but with a far greater complicated situation.

We have all been rejected by the reject (addict). There is an entire thread on here concerning this subject.

She isnt going to save you. It just not going to happen. You have to save yourself.

Beachn

Hi EZ..Keep thinking of the negatives..make a list.. put it in your wallet so you can read it when you start pining.

One of the things I had to admit was I too ignored my gut feelings about her character once she started drinking. She was literally a different person once the addiction took hold and her active addiction was short comparatively. Imagine how fried your ex’s brain is.

Just so you know..Second guessing yourself with a person when you know for a fact you’re correct is a symptom of being gaslighted. The more time and distance you have from her the more you’ll be able to trust yourself and your gut instincts, but it will also take work.

Dry your eyes man, there are better days on the horizon and forget her like your life depends on it. If you think for one minute she gives a damn about anything other than herself you’re mistaken and wasting time. That takes recovery and recovery takes time and lots of work.

No ones getting a shiny new version of her any time soon. She’s a liar, a cheat, an alcoholic and all the other negatives you’ve experienced. That’s a lot to recover from.

Indisposed

I enjoy hearing things from you because you're very blunt, straight to the point, and honest. I can tell you have been through a very similar situation as I have, and became a better person because of it.

I just recently started looking up gaslighting and emotional abuse. I was always under the impression that she mentally and physically abused me, but never stopped to think that emotional was part of it too. The gas lighting part is trickier to me because while I think the majority of the stuff she did was gas lighting me, I can see some examples of me gaslighting her.

All in all - like you said, I have to concentrate on the negatives more than the positives. I'm so caught up in the what if's and the person she can become and letting envy and jealousy fall into play.

I think even in anger and sadness, I'm still giving her way too much credit and need to listen to you guys more when you say that she's still broken, and has a long road ahead of her even if she continues on the same path.

I'd be lying if I said that I won't always have love for her, and wish we could've spent life together sober but have to accept that I got the messed up version of her. All the negative qualities she had are no longer my worries and someone's else's problem.

Mashabo

yea, it was definitely very very hard and I felt pretty s*tty. But time passed and it’s all much better now. What helped me was surround myself with lots of genuine support and the fact that you are here means you are doing that too - that’s great!

As for my ex, no, he never reached out with any apologies or anything of that kind. And I know he probably won’t! That’s a very proud and not mentally stable person, who started the relationship with his
own therapist. Reaching out to me in his case would mean he accept his mistakes and I’m sure he is veeeery far from it. I’ve heard recently that he said this to his younger brother “The best thing you can do in life is find yourself a girlfriend - psychologist” L O L

So as much as I waited and hoped for his sincere apologies I prepared myself that they may NEVER come! And I would really suggest you try to do the same. It will save you lots of pain from expecting her to finally be someone she is not!

velma929

Ez, I'll tell you about a man I dated decades ago. He treated me poorly. If I didn't wear makeup, I didn't care about my appearance. If I did, if looked like I was a woman of loose morals (mind you, I've never worn much makeup, even when I was 'made up.') Basically, I couldn't do anything right. He'd suggest we break up - but if I went out on a date, he went boo-woo-ing to our friends that his heart was breaking. Eventually, we went our separate ways. Not only did he NOT apologize, one day he took me out to lunch (We could at least be friends, right?) Over lunch he told me, under the guise of apologizing for our sex life, how much better in bed "Susie" was. Yup, class act, that one.

The years go by, I wondered from time to time if he was ever sorry about the way he treated me. I reconnected with one of our mutual friends, who asked if I had "Joe's" address and said he was "willing to forgive Joe but couldn't speak for anyone else." It would be gossip-y and unseemly to press for details, but after 40 years it became evident that how Joe treated me wasn't personal - He'd alienated his best friends a few years later and his old buddy said had "moved across the country to leave his past behind."

Joe died in September. His obituary listed the jobs he'd held, and his childhood hobby of collecting coins. That was it; no bowling league, no political affiliations, no passion for a particular cause, no pets, no spouse, no significant other, no children.

And no apology for the people he hurt.

trailmix

This kind of thinking is an extension of where you already were. All along you had "hope" for her "potential" - which is what kept you in that horrible relationship. Now, wishing that you could have spent a lifetime with her "sober" is that same kind of thinking. You are just wishing about what you were hoping for. It just leaves you in a horrible place - the what if and could have been.

But those are not facts, those are wishes.

Nothing wrong with seeing the potential in someone, especially children - but it should still have some basis in the reality of who they are now.

Indisposed

I went through your posts yesterday, and saw how much of a struggle you went though and I'm so sorry that you dealt with that.

I'm very glad that you found inner peace as hard it was. Thank you for reaching out and the good words.

Indisposed

Yeah, "Joe" seems like a real piece of work. I'll never fully understand how selfish and heartless people can be, addiction or not. I'm not sure if it makes them feel better about themselves for treating people like dirt, or if they really do feel hurt. I don't think I'll ever know. Addictions and mental illness just add to the negative aspects of a person and while it's safe to blame some of the issues on them, I think it's just an extension of the type of person they are.

Indisposed

Just wanted to thank you for continuing to reach out and give me perspective. I've never felt so alone and I've never been kicked this hard in the gut with harsh reality. This is my first real heartbeak and something I know is going to sting for a really long time, no matter what happens in the future. Every little thing reminds me of her right now, and since it's only been 10 days I still have so many questions left unanswered. I know there's a good chance it will stay that way.

I'm doing my best to block out the good memories of her and the "missing her" part with all the negative things, and the fact that I know she isn't as happy as she seems right now. New relationship or not, the same addiction, mental illness, and sadness is still there for her. She's just on cloud nine in a rehab romance, and once that fades or her recovery hits a road block, maybe she will feel the pain I feel.

Is that guaranteed? No, but it's gotten to the point where I hope she feels pain eventually. I'm a strong believer in karma.

I just really wish I didn't let myself get reattached and manipulated when she went into treatment.

Indisposed

I really went into this stage of her going to treatment with high hopes. Thought this would finally put all the negative and bad vibes in the past. Although I had worries about her finding someone, I NEVER would have imagined it would have happened this quickly and she would be so remorseful. Based on her history, I shouldn't be too shocked but yeah. Just thinking that she would come out of this a better person is the thing that hurts.

I wouldn't wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. No one deserves to be treated like an addict does to the people that stood by them through everything. NO ONE. Sometimes I feel like they are so conflicted in their struggles that they block out emotional connections to anyone. It's just so unsettling to me.

trailmix

How are you doing Ez?

Indisposed

Not very good. I'm really trying to filter out the negative thoughts, but I keep hoping that every text or phone call I get is her calling to say she made a mistake.

I hate this feeling. It's hardest on me knowing that her family, my family, friends, and everyone on her seems to care, but she doesn't. It's just a terrible pill to swallow.

Thanks for checking in on me.

trailmix

You're right it is a terrible pill to swallow. It's just something you can't know until you experience a relationship like that. I don't know if you have sound on for text notification, but if you do, you might want to consider turning it off for a few days. Just check your phone when you feel like it, rather than getting an adrenaline rush.

In a "normal" relationship, we are taught to - and do, generally, care about people, try to help where we can, try to be understanding. In a relationship with an addict, all that kind of goes out the window. You mentioned a few times about how much you did for her, how much you cared and looked out for her and could she not see that. Well, perhaps, a bit, but that's "normal" for her, you know what I mean, she probably has an expectation that people are going to look out for her all the time because her life is so out of control. Plus her focus is alcohol and herself.

Alcohol, over time, affects the neurotransmitters in the brain - and other things - lots of other things. The fact that she has basically no response to your pain (or so it would seem) is not unusual in these types of situations. Many times you will hear an alcoholic say - everything is so boring without alcohol (or just being sober in general), well that's because things that might make a non-addict happy (or sad), like a pretty sunset or a funny movie, doesn't hit their brain the same way. Their brains are accustomed to that big rush from alcohol. So it's not just the being "drunk" that affects them in those hours that they are - it's all the time, day and night, every day.

Her feelings are self-centered, her thoughts are about alcohol and herself, not you. So that is why it's not personal.

Even during a period of sobriety, they aren't really "sober" as we understand the term. I mean if you have 3 drinks today, pretty much by tomorrow afternoon all the affects will have dissipated, not for an alcoholic because their brains are changed.

It can take a long time for that to heal and may not ever fully heal. Another thing to consider, if she perhaps did/does quit drinking (as you had hoped) and got in to some kind of a recovery, that means she can never have a drink again, not ever, because if she did she would be on that slippery slope again. There is no such thing as moderation for an alcoholic. Once the line is crossed there is no going back.

trailmix

One other thing, if it were a symptom of bi-polar (as an example) that the way she feels is very convoluted and not what you would expect from a person who didn't have a mental illness, say for instance it brought out huge rage in her, would it be easier to accept that kind of a reaction, because of her mental illness.

I ask because, alcoholism can be thought of that way (as mental illness, I think of it that way) and the way she is behaving and reacting (or not reacting) can be a symptom of that mental illness.

Just because this particular illness has a cure of sorts, which she chooses not to participate in, doesn't make it any less of one.

sage1969

Ez, I remember when I first went no contact, and also blocked a lot of social media, it was really tough, I think because of that adrenaline hit each time I heard a notification, like Trailmix mentioned.

It does help to turn off notifications, or maybe change the sound of the ones you do want. I also uninstalled apps. It's another kind of addiction really, and I was hugely anxious. Then and now, I focus on what I'm doing at any particular time, trying to stay in the moment. If I'm not around others, I will listen to music or sometimes turn on a movie or a concert.

It is hugely difficult at first, but try to make a list of things that you enjoy just because, and sprinkle those through your day, and then enjoy those moments. It's hard to retrain yourself to enjoy each moment, rather than focus on your qualifier, but it really does help if you can start thinking about you.

Indisposed

Yeah, I have my phone on vibration but it seems like everything I get a text, I'm on my phone lol. It vibrates first before coming up who the text is from so that .5 of a second I can feel my heart drop.

My ex was diagnosed as bi polar, and manic depressive. So with those things together mixed with her addiction to any and every type of substance that would be available to her, it was a mess (as everyone read lol).

I know her concentration right now is getting that fix from the "high" of a new romance, but part of me wonders if she knows this is a mistake or if she really is blinded by this. She has to know that her thought process of "doing this alone", and putting all her effort into this would be her only fighting chance at making recovery work. 7 weeks later, she probably thinks she has a good grasp of her addiction and thinks the relationship is a good fit considering how much they "have a common".

I'm just guessing here, but I'm pretty sure her sobery isn't number 1 right now. She was the type of person that loses interest in activities very quickly, and I know she's probably tired of hearing the same type of things they cover on a daily basis in treatment programs and AA.

All I know that I hate how I feel right now, because I know I would pick up right away to hear her out if she did reach out. It's taking EVERY bit of mental strength to not reach out to her and ask how she could be so careless and remorseful.

It's only been 11 days, but damn I'm proud of myself. All my friends keep telling me to concentrate on myself, and It's hard not when every ticking second of the day I'm fixated on the hurt I have from her. Distractions don't work as much as I try. I think it being so close to the holidays doesn't help either.

Indisposed

My best friend also suggested I "join tinder and bang a few random girls to get my mind off things. Who knows I might meet someone even better than her."

Keep in mind that he's 36, and has 4 kids. What a terrible advice, and just shows you that no one really understands unless they've been in this type of relationship. It's not as black and white as outsiders think.