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Old 11-09-2018, 01:53 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I wonder if I will feel happy again.... so heartbroken. thank you all for the kind words.
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Old 11-09-2018, 02:04 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Oh Meadow - I can relate, like others have shared. I too had a hard time completely ending things with someone very much like you describe this man. Things ended up escalating until I had to file a restraining order which he repeatedly violated, and go to court. It was horrible for everyone involved (including HIS children; I don't have any).

I'd encourage you to be what I would describe as brave and end things completely, despite the very real and understandable sadness. I have found most emotions to be complicated, and especially so in a couple of bad relationships, until I both got sober myself, and became a person another healthy person deserved. That last part is up to him, if he can - but you don't have to wait around and hope he does or try to help him, which most of us find we ultimately cannot....

There are links and threads here - as well as IRL groups like Al-Anon that are meant for the family-of/people connected to alcoholics (that's a slightly different part of this discussion, but he does seem to fit that based on your shares). It is really helpful for those I have known who needed support for themselves.

I'm glad you are sharing here and if you meet him today, I hope it is not in private so there are best odds of in person civility....and my hope is that you find some real distance for yourself and your child.
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Old 11-09-2018, 02:55 AM   #23 (permalink)
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;MeadowÖ...of course, you will feel happy, again. It is very common, for people who are in what I call the "free-bleeding stage of grieving", to fear that they will never love again, or feel joy again.....
I felt that way, once, also. I felt horrible...but, I did heal and went on to meet a most wonderful person and felt much better and deeper happiness than I had felt with that person--that I thought I couldn't breath, without...lol...

The world is filled with tons of evidence that humans are actually built to heal...just like we are built to hurt...we are wired to, naturally, heal.....
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Old 11-09-2018, 09:46 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I wonder if I will feel happy again.... so heartbroken. thank you all for the kind words.
You will. He is just a blip in the relationships you have. Believe that.

He may be drunk but that is no excuse for him to text or call you to insult you. You deserve to be treated well don't you?

There are millions of people in the world, millions of potential partners for you (if that is what you are looking for) and there are millions of great people who will treat you with the respect and kindness you and your child deserve.

Why would you settle for this?

He obviously has a BIG problem. If you do meet with him today he will probably be full of apologies, I'm sure he apologizes all over the place, does that help? No, it doesn't change anything.

Please keep posting, let us know how you are doing.
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Old 11-09-2018, 10:13 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Yes I would recommend stepping away. I think that decision is the best thing you could do. Donít wait until you get too deep into it and you canít undo the ties. Itís hard sometimes I would say impossible...living with the constant ups and downs of someone who is unpredictable and sometimes cruel.
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Old 11-09-2018, 12:56 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Yes I have walked away. Blocked his number. The only thing I did was let one of his friends know that he is not okay. I did this because he is a human being in need not because he was my boyfriend. I told his friend I cannot help him and he has no family so I felt someone who cares should know. This is a friend of his since they were 12, now 56. I only knew him a year so I had to walk away. I did all I could for him. I cannot save him nor anyone.
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Old 11-09-2018, 06:59 PM   #27 (permalink)
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I am so sad right now... I dont think I can handle this.
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Old 11-09-2018, 07:12 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Meadow.Ö..I hear you....and I can remember feeling like that...and, I am quite sure that all of the people reading this, know what you are talking about.

Here is what I suggest...right now..make a list, on paper, of the very worst, most hurtful thing that he did or said to and about you....and, carry it, with you, at all times...Read it every time you get overwhelmed or are tempted to contact him....even if you have to read it a million times a day!
This helped me, tremendously...


Another thing...get out and go walking, every time you feel overwhelmed...and, walk until you get tired, if you can...

Also, structure is really, really helpful....make a schedule and stick to it as much as you can....try to be goal oriented in your daily life....

****Allow yourself a certain time to actually grieve, each night--a time to cry, scream, feel your sad or angry feelings and just let it all out. Try to do it at the same time, every night....This is very beneficial....because you have to grieve...there is no way around it---only, through it....
It will get better, over time, and you will heal, and you will feel happy and the sun will shine, again....in it's own time.....
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Old 11-09-2018, 07:19 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Meadow, it is really painful at first and that's completely normal. Try to avoid ruminating too much and don't panic.

You feel awful right now but it will get better, tomorrow will be better then the next day.

Few things that might help. Put the focus on yourself and look after yourself.

A good acronym is HALT - Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, and Tiredness. Keep these things in mind and avoid them, , make sure you eat and eat well, if you are tired, sleep, need to talk, post here or call a friend etc.

Second thing is, distraction. Early on distraction is your friend. Watch a movie, even a dumb movie, as long as it is slightly entertaining. Binge watch something on netflix, teach yourself how to knit.

Read the stickies at the top of the forum, there are hundreds of articles.

Most importantly, keep in mind why you are doing this. You are not to be abused. You are important and significant and you deserve to be treated well. Love isn't supposed to be so painful. As long as you were with this abusive man you were going to be hurt/angry/sad.

You will have another relationship, you now know about some more red flags to look out for.

In the meantime, as I said above, you won't always feel this way.
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Old 11-09-2018, 11:06 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Yes I have walked away. Blocked his number. The only thing I did was let one of his friends know that he is not okay. I did this because he is a human being in need not because he was my boyfriend. I told his friend I cannot help him and he has no family so I felt someone who cares should know. This is a friend of his since they were 12, now 56. I only knew him a year so I had to walk away. I did all I could for him. I cannot save him nor anyone.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, It's so painful to walk away from someone with an active addiction that you're in love with. I was raised with the belief "If you love someone and they're in crisis, you should be there for them". I spent 3 years in a relationship with a profound alcoholic/gambling addict in my 20s because of this thinking, I loved him so much and "didn't want to abandon him" just because he was having problems.

Eventually, it got to the point where we were talking about having children, and I realized that, while I wasn't able to walk away for myself, I knew I could never forgive myself if I knowingly gave my (unborn) kids a dad who was so unstable and refused to own his problems. That was the push I needed to break up with him. I have plenty of regrets in life, but leaving that crazy relationship is not one of them.

My ex-AB has since gone on to continue drinking, raging and blaming everyone for his problems, even with him having family support. He's in his mid 30's, and has given a 19 year-old college kid permanent neurological damage from a fight they got into over them teasing him about his curly hair. He never hit, raged or got aggressive with me, and was amazingly kind with elderly people. But God help you if you were a man between the ages of 18 and 50 and happened to cross paths with him when he was drunk. He'd start a fight over you offering to help him look for his lost keys.

What I learned from that relationship (and the addiction issues in my immediate family) is that the craziness of alcoholism does. not. stop. Sorry if that's preaching to the choir - you don't mention what your experience with addiction/alcoholism is in your post aside from this relationship.

You WILL get over the heartbreak of this relationship, and you'll thank your past self for not exposing your kid to the kind of trauma that comes from the mood swings and instability an active alcoholic brings to the table.

There's something good to be gained from every experience in life in the form of knowledge and wisdom. The lesson I learned from my alcoholic/codependent relationship was: its important, and ok, to be selfish and discriminating when dating. Dating should be about YOU finding someone to compliment/better your life, and you deserve to meet someone who is an independent adult who handles their bs while you deal with yours. You should be meeting at the table as equals that are lifting each others lives up. I do get a lot out of helping people, so I re-focused that need towards my professional life with people who choose to reach out for help; but I've learned (with lots of pain along the way) to set a high standard for the adults I let into my inner circle.

If you're having a weak moment from the pain of the breakup, please think about your kid and how the best thing for both of you will be to meet someone who is emotionally healthy. There are plenty of stories on this forum of the damage alcoholism does to kids - it's serious and life changing.

And coming from the otherside of an alcoholic breakup, it was impossibly sweet when I finally met someone who was healthy and working on themselves while I worked on my shortcomings. I think that's the hardest part of being in the fog, is that it's easy to lie to yourself that relationships are that crazy/painful/unstable for everyone. Mutually respectful relationships are out there. If you set the standards, it WILL happen for you. It sounds like you've been strong enough to walk away, please hold on tight - you're going to get through this!
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Old 11-09-2018, 11:34 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Thank you again everyone. This is my first experience with an alcoholic . I had no idea and the nasty words cause pain beyond anything I have felt during a relationship... my divorce was easier. He even accused me of being a pedophile with sick feelings towards my son's friends, they are 15. I think he is jealous of my son. And apparently I am a bitch and a **** and very selfish and F...ED in the head. wow all this communicated by text. To my face... the most amazing caring giving loving beautiful woman ever.
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Old 11-10-2018, 12:52 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Meadow.Ö..just wow! That is really character assasination. No woman should ever have those things said to her...ever. You don't deserve such verbal abuse.
I suggest that you put these things in the list that I suggested to you--and read them every time you feel weak....
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Old 11-10-2018, 05:28 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I am really struggling today at this moment..... I feel so sick in my stomach. The pain is unbearable... will it ever stop..... Why can't he be the man he was when we first met. I miss that man much
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Old 11-10-2018, 06:33 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Meadow, hold on, you can do this.

He is not the judge of yours or anyone else's character. He is a sick addicted man, lashing out because he can't handle his own emotions. If you gave him the chance he'd probably be back to sweet words in a short time.

You know who you are.
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Old 11-10-2018, 06:34 PM   #35 (permalink)
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He sounds like he has a personality disorder.
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Old 11-10-2018, 10:28 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I am really struggling today at this moment..... I feel so sick in my stomach. The pain is unbearable... will it ever stop..... Why can't he be the man he was when we first met. I miss that man much
That man kind of never existed, he just showed you what he wanted you to see.

I'm not going to diagnose the guy but there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with him. I would say it's not just alcohol (although I suppose it could be) but based on that text he sent alone - please stay far away from him.

Try to remember that he is not two people. He is one person, the good and the bad. There is no separation of the two.

Have you heard of Psychological projection?

"Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which the human ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others".

Since he seems to randomly pull these wicked things out of a hat and text them to you, it's possible he's just attributing to you what he's thinking.

Honestly, he could be dangerous. I know it's difficult to see one thing and then a complete 180, it's confusing for us. It's hard for the mind to grasp the two at the same time. Is he a lovely nice guy or is he a monster guy? Again, he is both, don't separate the two in your mind. That can take some time to come to terms with.

In the meantime, please take dandylion's suggestion about making a list, it really is helpful to look at when you see yourself thinking about what a "nice guy" he was.
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Old 11-10-2018, 11:10 PM   #37 (permalink)
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thank you Trailmix. I actually feel a little better... my stomach is settling. I did something odd and unconventional and it has had a positive effect. I reached out to his ex wife. She was very kind and heartfelt. She said he is an untreated alcoholic. She knew what I was going through and with whom. Your last reply was helpful and made me think.
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Old 11-11-2018, 01:54 AM   #38 (permalink)
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I am so sorry you are going through this.

The sickness sadly is within him. All you can do is step away as you have done to protect yourself. Maybe he will reach out for help at some point but that is up to him.

Thank you for sharing here, I have learnt a lot from reading your experience.

Sending strength to you.
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Old 11-11-2018, 08:48 AM   #39 (permalink)
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thank you Trailmix. I actually feel a little better... my stomach is settling. I did something odd and unconventional and it has had a positive effect. I reached out to his ex wife. She was very kind and heartfelt. She said he is an untreated alcoholic. She knew what I was going through and with whom. Your last reply was helpful and made me think.

i am so sorry you are going through this. When I read the text he sent you, it made me afraid for you - not to scare you - but that is some serious stuff going on. I wouldn't want this man around my kid (s) or even me for that matter.

It it might also help to think about your best girlfriend. If she came to you and told you her boyfriend sent her those texts what would you say to her?
I'm glad reaching out to the ex helped. It probably solidified it in your mind

((Hugs)). Take care of yourself. I agree with the tips of walking (with some good music) and structure. Reading helps me too
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Old 11-11-2018, 09:48 AM   #40 (permalink)
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I have decided to seek therapy to move on. I am fortunate that I can afford to do so. One of my problems is that I really love the company of men and dating. I want to ensure I heal myself and not seek out another relationship too soon. That would not be fair to any man. It is a beautiful sunny day where I live in the suburbs of Vancouver BC. My son has a football game.... the playoff final. He plays defensive end and is tasked with rushing the QB. I will be volunteering on the field so will get a great view. I have had a taste of what a gentleman is and I never felt that before in 52 years but it came with a flip side that was very dark. so sad for me for us and for him.
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