Supine

I'm so sorry you're going through this, It's so painful to walk away from someone with an active addiction that you're in love with. I was raised with the belief "If you love someone and they're in crisis, you should be there for them". I spent 3 years in a relationship with a profound alcoholic/gambling addict in my 20s because of this thinking, I loved him so much and "didn't want to abandon him" just because he was having problems.

Eventually, it got to the point where we were talking about having children, and I realized that, while I wasn't able to walk away for myself, I knew I could never forgive myself if I knowingly gave my (unborn) kids a dad who was so unstable and refused to own his problems. That was the push I needed to break up with him. I have plenty of regrets in life, but leaving that crazy relationship is not one of them.

My ex-AB has since gone on to continue drinking, raging and blaming everyone for his problems, even with him having family support. He's in his mid 30's, and has given a 19 year-old college kid permanent neurological damage from a fight they got into over them teasing him about his curly hair. He never hit, raged or got aggressive with me, and was amazingly kind with elderly people. But God help you if you were a man between the ages of 18 and 50 and happened to cross paths with him when he was drunk. He'd start a fight over you offering to help him look for his lost keys.

What I learned from that relationship (and the addiction issues in my immediate family) is that the craziness of alcoholism does. not. stop. Sorry if that's preaching to the choir - you don't mention what your experience with addiction/alcoholism is in your post aside from this relationship.

You WILL get over the heartbreak of this relationship, and you'll thank your past self for not exposing your kid to the kind of trauma that comes from the mood swings and instability an active alcoholic brings to the table.

There's something good to be gained from every experience in life in the form of knowledge and wisdom. The lesson I learned from my alcoholic/codependent relationship was: its important, and ok, to be selfish and discriminating when dating. Dating should be about YOU finding someone to compliment/better your life, and you deserve to meet someone who is an independent adult who handles their bs while you deal with yours. You should be meeting at the table as equals that are lifting each others lives up. I do get a lot out of helping people, so I re-focused that need towards my professional life with people who choose to reach out for help; but I've learned (with lots of pain along the way) to set a high standard for the adults I let into my inner circle.

If you're having a weak moment from the pain of the breakup, please think about your kid and how the best thing for both of you will be to meet someone who is emotionally healthy. There are plenty of stories on this forum of the damage alcoholism does to kids - it's serious and life changing.

And coming from the otherside of an alcoholic breakup, it was impossibly sweet when I finally met someone who was healthy and working on themselves while I worked on my shortcomings. I think that's the hardest part of being in the fog, is that it's easy to lie to yourself that relationships are that crazy/painful/unstable for everyone. Mutually respectful relationships are out there. If you set the standards, it WILL happen for you. It sounds like you've been strong enough to walk away, please hold on tight - you're going to get through this!