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Old 11-26-2018, 06:07 PM   #61 (permalink)
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
 
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I wanted to leave things agreeing that there are beautiful memories and it was so good at times. I just get more abuse back. He only says i lied and am a fraud and used him. He tells me to f off and go to hell and says he is not the only one who knows what i am really like. so confusing because i cannot imagine whow would say thst about me. i am not perfect but i am not mean in any way. i have to learn that there is no reasoning with him. He has to help himself first.
Meadow,
I realize you are going through a lot of pain, but when you start to feel a bit better, I hope you are able to see that everything that comes out of this man's mouth is either abuse or manipulation, and yes, even the good times were manipulation. Now before you say, well you don't know my relationship, let me offer the suggestion that I may well have lived your relationship... because the things this guy is saying makes him sound like my exAH. He says that he's not the only one who knows what you're really like? Umm... what he really means is, "he's not the only one who can abuse you because he's been going around recruiting flying monkeys and talking trash about you to anyone who is dumb enough to listen to his bull. Or it is just bull and actually what he really means to say is: "you're not the only one who knows I'm an alcoholic... but you're the only one I'm trying to manipulate until I find my next target."

Please... take your sadness and make it anger! The fact that he's taking this break-up so immaturely suggests that he's not concerned about losing you so much as losing control of you. He's put you through hell and then he blames you for it. He has self-destructive behavior because what he really wants in life is to be a big baby who can't pull his own socks up and he needs someone to make him feel that he's entitled to his selfish behavior.

He lies to himself. Then he lies to you and expects you to believe it: I have chronic something-something, I have to drink.... watch me hurt myself... feel sorry for me... etc. That. Is. Messed. Up.

This is not your fault or responsibility. You are not stupid, he's just an expert manipulator. It is hard to think clearly when you are grieving. You are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Don't act right now. Don't engage, just stand still and try to see the fog around you first. 100% agree that this guy sounds unstable. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.

Please be kind to yourself.
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Old 11-26-2018, 07:54 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Meadow,
I realize you are going through a lot of pain, but when you start to feel a bit better, I hope you are able to see that everything that comes out of this man's mouth is either abuse or manipulation, and yes, even the good times were manipulation. Now before you say, well you don't know my relationship, let me offer the suggestion that I may well have lived your relationship... because the things this guy is saying makes him sound like my exAH. He says that he's not the only one who knows what you're really like? Umm... what he really means is, "he's not the only one who can abuse you because he's been going around recruiting flying monkeys and talking trash about you to anyone who is dumb enough to listen to his bull. Or it is just bull and actually what he really means to say is: "you're not the only one who knows I'm an alcoholic... but you're the only one I'm trying to manipulate until I find my next target."

Please... take your sadness and make it anger! The fact that he's taking this break-up so immaturely suggests that he's not concerned about losing you so much as losing control of you. He's put you through hell and then he blames you for it. He has self-destructive behavior because what he really wants in life is to be a big baby who can't pull his own socks up and he needs someone to make him feel that he's entitled to his selfish behavior.

He lies to himself. Then he lies to you and expects you to believe it: I have chronic something-something, I have to drink.... watch me hurt myself... feel sorry for me... etc. That. Is. Messed. Up.

This is not your fault or responsibility. You are not stupid, he's just an expert manipulator. It is hard to think clearly when you are grieving. You are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Don't act right now. Don't engage, just stand still and try to see the fog around you first. 100% agree that this guy sounds unstable. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.

Please be kind to yourself.
Thank you, wow and ouch. I appreciate your candor and I am seeing what you are saying now. The therapist is helping a lot. I just wish there was a magic pill for the physical pain. It was all an illusion and I feel like an idiot.... just a little..... but I know deep down I will feel better. It's hard with Christmas coming up and today my clutch and transmission went in my car. not an expense I need at the moment but it could be worse.
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Old 11-26-2018, 08:01 PM   #63 (permalink)
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A raging alcoholic is my husband. My husband does not drink but he still has that bad attitude. It's not there when life is going his way but when he doesn't approve it shows up. I realize I could never meet his expectation, no one could ever meet it. In the process my expectation of him sunk lower and lower. There is nothing I can do to make him see it my way because it will always be about his life. It's not about a mutual life.

My husband also would tell me how others knew me to. He knew I was a people pleaser and I would care. He knew I would try harder. Eventually, I didn't care about what I thought others knew because I knew myself and trusted myself.
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Old 11-27-2018, 02:43 AM   #64 (permalink)
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It's hard with Christmas coming up and today my clutch and transmission went in my car. not an expense I need at the moment but it could be worse.
Christmas is coming up. You do not need it ruined by this guy. Put aside some time for yourself and treat yourself with the kindness and compassion that you would have otherwise spent on this guy. Try to make this a special Christmas for you and your son. Reach out to friends. You don't have to do anything expensive as long as you are with the people who really respect you. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Exercise helps with the pain to an extent.
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Old 11-30-2018, 05:51 PM   #65 (permalink)
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Ok my friends... I just need a word or two. I have been okay for a while now but now today. I feel really lonely. I have no family where I live except my son who is 15 and is busy with friends. He has been acting up with school by not getting his work in on time. I lost it on him for lying to me about it. I had a rage so strong i screamed and fell on the ground i slapped him. .. I could be in huge trouble for that. In Canada it is illegal. why did I do this? Is this part of my broken heart? I hate L. for hurting me so badly. He is still texting ...i do not reply. I am keeping the texts as I may go to the RCMP. I did inquire and they said an officer would talk to him. i am alone tonight it is dark and raining...i want to be happy. I am trying to like myself today but I can't. tell me to smarten up... I am ridiculous.
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Old 11-30-2018, 08:42 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Can you block him, friend? There is no need for you to read his texts or even know he is texting.

No new contact = no new hurts.
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Old 11-30-2018, 08:47 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Meadow, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you eating well (not saying no donuts btw lol) just make sure you are eating a well balanced diet. Sleep, ensure you get lots of sleep. What are you doing to lighten your load, can you take a couple of days off work, have a long weekend?

Have you been binging netflix or ordering movies you want to see, getting your nails done, going for walks? Have you attended Al-Anon?

Remember HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired - when you are feeling that anger etc - it can be a good idea to check those things and address them as you need to.

I ask because you are no doubt carrying a whole bunch of anger, disappointment and hurt around and with no place to diffuse that or vent it, it remains and that probably explains your reaction today.

Post more too if you want!
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Old 11-30-2018, 11:27 PM   #68 (permalink)
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Can you block him, friend? There is no need for you to read his texts or even know he is texting.

No new contact = no new hurts.
You are right. I have blocked him but with my phone it does stop the text completely it does not notify when a text is received it just stores the blocked messages in a separate folder. I should just delete without reading but i am keeping for now to show the RCMP if he does not stop. that's the only reason. I am almost ready to file a police report. he just sent a text calling me a ****. OMG I am so not that. he must be sitting at home thinking about me and getting drunk and angry. he needs help... I tried.
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Old 11-30-2018, 11:28 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Can you block him, friend? There is no need for you to read his texts or even know he is texting.

No new contact = no new hurts.
You are right. I have blocked him but with my phone it does stop the text completely it does not notify when a text is received it just stores the blocked messages in a separate folder. I should just delete without reading but i am keeping for now to show the RCMP if he does not stop. that's the only reason. I am almost ready to file a police report. he just sent a text calling me a ****. OMG I am so not that. he must be sitting at home thinking about me and getting drunk and angry. he needs help... I tried.
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Old 11-30-2018, 11:36 PM   #70 (permalink)
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You are right. I have blocked him but with my phone it does stop the text completely it does not notify when a text is received it just stores the blocked messages in a separate folder. I should just delete without reading but i am keeping for now to show the RCMP if he does not stop. that's the only reason. I am almost ready to file a police report. he just sent a text calling me a ****. OMG I am so not that. he must be sitting at home thinking about me and getting drunk and angry. he needs help... I tried.
He does need help and I think it is probably time to call the RCMP again. What you need is a restraining order or at the very least them to go and speak to him.

You mentioned the RCMP said they would have someone speak to him, or did they mean they would if you requested it? If they already have then it's time for a restraining order for sure don't you think?

What he is doing is not at all normal and he is enraged and could be dangerous, again, not trying to scare you but it's been two weeks since you last spoke to him and asked him not to contact you and still he persists.
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Old 12-02-2018, 08:41 PM   #71 (permalink)
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The RCMP would speak to him if I request it. He has not texted anything mean today just 2 kind of sad and desperate ones. I think he has cooled off now. I did not respond and will not. I just monitor as I am afraid he may harm himself. I know not my problem but my conscience wont let me not keep an eye on what he says in the texts. My therapist says my heart is too big. I am keeping busy with friends and am doing some volunteer work for Salvation Army during the holidays.
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Old 12-02-2018, 10:17 PM   #72 (permalink)
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No doubt you have empathy for the man, I totally understand that. Just be sure you don't throw yourself under the bus in the process.

You are looking out for him, as I mentioned above, it's important to look out for yourself as well.

If he was sending you texts asking for your opinion or trying to get perspective or your guidance on where he can get help (has he ever asked for help?) something like that, that's one thing, that's not what this is.

The next time he starts with the abusive texting I would really hope you will call the RCMP. He needs professional help, you can't save him from himself.
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Old 12-03-2018, 05:05 AM   #73 (permalink)
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Meadow..you ask if falling on the ground, in a rage and slapping your son is because of your "broken heart"...

I suggest that it most likely comes from a place of fear....fear of not being able to control your son's behavior...and the feeling of helplessness that can come from that.....
I think, that, sometimes, parents fear that the child's behavior is a personal reflection on themselves...which it is not....It does strike fear to the parents sense of self-esteem and personal ego....so, that fear can be expressed in form of great anger. great fear=great anger. Anger is usually not the primary emotion..it is usually a cover emotion for underlying fear/sadness/frustration.

Here is m y suggestion (if you want it).Apologize to your son for your loss of control...without any excuses. Just express your regret, period. And, then....ask him what you can do to help him with his school work.....
Remember, that he may be distracted with lots of emotional things that you have no idea about....Try to find time to talk to him about his school work....and find out what is really going on...with the goal of helping him. Also, try to spend some individual time with him...and see if he will talk about what else might be going on with him, in his world. Surely, the events between you and your man have some effect on the home atmosphere.....and children of any age absorb this stuff...even if they aren't talking about it.
15yrs. is a very critical age for boys...and, they need parental attention and time, more than ever.... Perhaps, this is something that your counselor can help you with....
As time goes on, your man will not be a part of your life...but your son will always be.....This could be a time to build a closer relationship with your son.....
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Old 06-01-2019, 05:51 PM   #74 (permalink)
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I went back to him.... why?

I did it... went back to him and it was pretty good until last night. He was jealous of my son I think . He had some friends over and my boyfriend did not like it, wanted alone time. He got angry and said stupid things. I threw him out of my house.... he sent a few mean texts saying i am selfish. I feel sick but i know i did the right thing. I should have never gone back to him. I pity him and i thought i could save him.
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Old 06-01-2019, 07:44 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Me two years ago. Alcohol masked a lot of my rage, but I'm much better at working through things with others than when I was drinking.

I've known extremely angry people who don't drink and never did.

But yes, to the OPs point, alcohol distorts thinking and it can come out as angry and hurtful, for sure. Alcohol also takes off the filters that keep us from saying the stuff that we think but know we shouldn't say, or at least say with meaning and purpose, not blurt out the first nasty thought that comes into our heads.
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Old 06-02-2019, 04:12 AM   #76 (permalink)
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I should have never gone back to him. I pity him and i thought i could save him.
Said as gently as possible, you aren't that strong. No one is.

He can only save himself -- if that is his decision. He may be perfectly "content" to live the way he's been living for the rest of his life.

I won't tell you what you should do. But I will ask you if this is the kind of life you want for you and your son? If not, what do you think you can do to make your life the one you want...remembering that you can't count on this man to make it that way, you can only count on yourself?
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Old 06-02-2019, 06:01 AM   #77 (permalink)
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Step one might be to change your phone number if the toxic texts start and get a restraining order should they start without delay.

I think they will, don't you?

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Old 06-02-2019, 07:08 PM   #78 (permalink)
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Meadow,

I was married for 26 years. I can understand the going back and forth. I don't know how long you were together this time, you didn't say that. I can tell you though that sometimes they seem to have a period of good behavior, but that only lasts for a certain amt of time, until they feel like the "got you" again. I have no doubt that he will be calling again.

I have no idea of what damage he did to your self esteem, and self confidence this time. (If he has his way, this is not the last time)

He will find all of your weaknesses and use them all against you. He will punish you with this. If one of your weaknesses is being alone, he will start to abandon you so that you will be so happy that he came back.

You have a 15 year old son. Do you want him to see a man treating you this way? I do understand that there are a lot of good times also.

I stayed for 25 years, 1 year before I left I kept a journal. I would mark down all the days that my ex attacked me verbally and emotionally, I would also mark down all the good days. That year there were only 35 good days. I can't even say now that they were good days because those good days were the worst for me. I was walking on eggshells, so that I would not upset him. So, in actuality, I had no good days that last year before I left, then I started to think about the last 4, or 5 or 6 years prior to that. I realized that I was always walking on eggshells.

(((((((((((((( hugs))))))))))))
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Old 06-02-2019, 07:27 PM   #79 (permalink)
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Meadow,

I was married for 26 years. I can understand the going back and forth. I don't know how long you were together this time, you didn't say that. I can tell you though that sometimes they seem to have a period of good behavior, but that only lasts for a certain amt of time, until they feel like the "got you" again. I have no doubt that he will be calling again.

I have no idea of what damage he did to your self esteem, and self confidence this time. (If he has his way, this is not the last time)

He will find all of your weaknesses and use them all against you. He will punish you with this. If one of your weaknesses is being alone, he will start to abandon you so that you will be so happy that he came back.

You have a 15 year old son. Do you want him to see a man treating you this way? I do understand that there are a lot of good times also.

I stayed for 25 years, 1 year before I left I kept a journal. I would mark down all the days that my ex attacked me verbally and emotionally, I would also mark down all the good days. That year there were only 35 good days. I can't even say now that they were good days because those good days were the worst for me. I was walking on eggshells, so that I would not upset him. So, in actuality, I had no good days that last year before I left, then I started to think about the last 4, or 5 or 6 years prior to that. I realized that I was always walking on eggshells.

(((((((((((((( hugs))))))))))))
amy
Thank you for your honesty.. I know the feeling of walking on eggshells ....its horrible. He is very hypocritical and that angers me to a point. But I know he is unreasonable so I will not try to point it out. I am not responding to him. One thing that bothers me is that I feel sorry for him and part of me wants to help him. I wish I didn't.. so I am fighting that.
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Old 06-02-2019, 09:06 PM   #80 (permalink)
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It's hard, it's really hard to do. You remember so many good times and you want to go back there. There is no turning back. Who he is now, is who he is, you stay longer, it only gets worse. You see, it's like they raise their bar as to how much you can take, they feel they are losing you, they will be nice for awhile, then they will escalate it because what they did before wasn't keeping you. All the while, you are lowering your bar and you are accepting more and more of abusiveness. It becomes what you use to think was abusive is no longer abusive. It's something that you just became use to.

So you get use to this, and they need to control you more. It's little by little. You get afraid to do some of the things that you like, because he doesn't approve of you going out. You get afraid to spend money on clothes or really anything at all.

You spend a lot of time trying to figure out what to say and how to say it so that he will not get upset.

This was my life, do you want it to be yours?

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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