What is a raging alcoholic?
 

The man I have been in love with for a year has a switch when he is drinking. I never thought he had a problem although he has a family history of ugly alcoholism. He is a gentleman, kind, sweet and loving but sometimes and I believe it is when he is drinking he calls or texts mean messages. Very hurtful and opposite of what he says to my face. He now is insulting my son and my parenting. I feel this a line that cannot be uncrossed. I wonder is this the truth buried deep and brought out by the "courage" of alcohol. I really do not understand how someone can be so romantic and beautiful and then so mean.Is this what a raging alcoholic is? They rage with anger at the ones they love when fueled by alcohol?

I'm sorry for the reason you came here Meadow. It's easy to become attached to someone as we first find them. Maybe hormones have a lot to do with it. Then when we discover the other side of coin it's too late to reverse our feelings.

Whether he believes deep down in what he's saying or not, he's abusing you. You don't need this in your life, and it will rub off on your son. You may want to consider cutting all contact with him. If that seems drastic, read some of the threads on this forum.

You're caught in a situation where you are facing a choice.

There is no textbook defiintion of a raging alcoholic, but the mean texts and messages definitely qualify as abuse, and you definitely don't deserve that. I am afraid you are not in relationship with an emotionally healthy individual.

Sometimes people drink, then they start hating themselves, then turn it on someone they often care about. It is nonsense.....................but that is the way it works sometimes. A relationship such as this can't be healthy. I wish you the best, but the person you "have loved for a year" has some things to resolve it seems. Remember that whatever happens to put yourself first.

Welcome Meadow, sorry for what brings you here though.

Well it's a common term for a reason I suppose? It's not uncommon for an alcoholic to go in to a rage (based on what I have seen).

He obviously has anger issues, perhaps all the time (and masked) or maybe only when he is drinking. I guess the question is, does it matter which it is? He is drinking so that anger will surface.

This is abuse. How far can he go? Insult your cooking? The way you drive? How about the way you look? Well she took that.

How about her parenting and her child? Do you see a progression here? It's not much fun fighting all by yourself so if you aren't coming to the fight he will just keep upping the ante until you do.

Personally, I would walk away. If a man can insult your child what is the limit of his anger and projecting?

Actually I know of a couple where they were both remarried and both had adult children. Wife B didn't like the child from Marriage A, she was a bit - unbalanced and liked to pit her children against the child from his first marriage.

The Husband didn't want to rile wife B so he didn't stick up for his Son, in general, when disparaging remarks were made. I'm sure I don't have to tell you the damage it did to the relationship between the Father and Son. That's a betrayal that's hard to come back from.

thank you
 

thank you all for the replies. i feel better knowing that i made the right choice in not seeing him and blocking his calls. it still hurts because the good parts were amazing and i never felt loved like that before but the bad was also the worse i ever felt. I was never treated so well and so bad before at the same time. its so sad.

Yes it is and I am sure you are very hurt by it all Meadow and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Remember to take good care of yourself, that's really important right now.

This is just the tip of the iceberg...
 

From here it gets worse, and worse, and worse. I urge you not to date anybody who, for any reason, behaves like this. It will happen again and again and again and again...

My opinion is to find someone else who has you and your sons back, doesn’t sound like he does.

My opinion is to find someone else who has you and your sons back, doesn’t sound like he does.

Hi Meadow,

I'm glad you're here. Posting and reaching out for help can be very helpful in the healing process.

The last thing you need in your and your son’s life is someone intoxicated with resentments towards the both of you.

Alcoholics are often seen by those closest to them as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, like two separate people. The intoxicated drinker and the sober loving kind person. Reality is they are just one person and at any given time you won’t know which one shows up.

Use caution if faced with the apology and all the promises of him changing.

To me it doesn't matter why someone is abusive. I've learned to walk quickly away the first time. If it's in his family the odds are he is too.

No new contact = No new hurts

I totally can relate to this...my XAH was AMAZING when we first met. I felt a connection with him like I had never felt with anyone. He was sober at that time, but that all changed when he started drinking 3 months after we got married. I thought it was just because of the drinking that made him so mean. But I figured out that he was just an abusive narcissist. The alcohol just allowed that to surface. He would insult my kids just like yours (he was the step dad). I ended up leaving him and moving into my own place with my kids. We divorced later on. It was really hard. I still loved him. But I loved how he was at the beginning. I tried to hold onto the fantasy that it would go back to that way...but it never did. He is sober now almost a year but he is still difficult to be around. (yes I tried to have a relationship with him, I don't recommend that). Your child only has one childhood...that is what keeps me going and staying away from him....keep posting and reaching out...

You were all correct. We started talking on the phone again and decided to meet tomorrow but the nasty texts and calls already started... even before we met... how sad I am.

Yes, it's pretty predictable now I guess? Still hurts though.

The bottom line here is, can you trust him? Can you trust him with your feelings? Can you trust him to be around your child?

Why do you want to be near someone who insults you?

Do you ever actually see him drunk? You mention he is all happiness and kindness then the nasty texting begins. Does he ever say these hurtful things to your face?

(Regardless, his behaviour is far from "normal")

One other thing, we have a lot of information on alcoholism and relationships with alcoholics here at SR, you might be interested in reading some of the items located in the stickies section at the top of the forum. This is a good place to start if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

Also some good articles here:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

It is said around here that knowledge is power and perhaps understanding more about alcoholism will help you come to terms with what you are dealing with by being involved with an alcoholic.

I am so sad beyond belief.... how can I go on. I am so scared and alone... so scared so sad.

no he says the most beautiful loving things to my face. I have seen him drink with me and he is fine... light drinking... wine with dinner etc. He texts when he is out with friends or calls and I can tell he has been drinking by his voice. what he texts is disgusting