righttheship

Here's what I continue to struggle with: When is it enabling, and when is it giving someone a needed and appropriate helping hand?

AH (who's apparently been sober 100+ days) is currently jobless, living in a group housing situation with questionable people, and his driver's license expires in a couple of days. He has no way to prove residency/address (i.e., no lease, no mortgage, bills go to his mother's house out-of-state), so he can't renew it. Not having a valid license could create issues in terms of securing employment, etc. I could help my AH with this issue. But I haven't.

Here's the thing: we've all heard those stories of people down-and-out, and someone gave them a helping hand and that one act helped turn things around. That's what I can't let go of. Like, if I just gave this one little bit of help, my AH could course correct, get a job, start paying child support, and get in a real recovery program. Is that me still trying to control the situation? Is any form of help enabling?

Throughout this ordeal, I've told myself that he has to feel every single consequence of his actions. He's in a crazy living situation and can't renew his license because of his spectacular alcoholic downward spiral. I've chosen (so far) not to provide him with a soft landing. But it just really sucks when the consequences also fall on me and my children (i.e., no license, no job = no child support, etc.).

ChloeRose63

Let him figure it out. He needs to do the thinking not you! You enable by trying bail him out of his circumstances by having his answers. He is not your child. He is a grown man.

SparkleKitty

Maybe the helping hand you need to give him is the dignity and respect to let him figure a way out of his own problems.

djlook

Everyone on this forum has an opinion, thoughts, or experience in all sorts of matters relating to the consequences of someone's drinking. And I agree, enabling versus helping someone in need is really tough.

My husband and I are currently giving our son a place to stay until he can get on his feet financially. He was in treatment 30 days and would have been homeless. He had a 17-year-old daughter, our granddaughter, who was living with him at the time he went to treatment in February of this year. My husband and I together made the decision to let them both stay here with us so that she could finish high school and graduate. There were a lot more factors that went into our decision, and I don't have the time nor space to write about them.

A lot of prayer and thoughtfulness went into our decision, we mad it, and then we put God in charge of the outcome. It's turned out really good; our granddaughter was able to graduate with her class and our son has a really good job that he was able to go back to. He's used our address for all of his correspondence, and our granddaughter needed a physical address for her correspondence.

I'm not going to give you what I would do because all of our situations and circumstances are so different, but we don't have any regrets. There are times during this last seven months where I've questioned whether we enabled him, but he hasn't drank for seven months, and that in itself is a miracle. He's 46 years old. I think he punished himself enough.

I'm a recovered female alcoholic with 22 years sober.

I hope the best for you and your family. I've never gone wrong when I pray about a situation and my choices come from my heart in helping another suffering human being.

This is my experience.

LifeRecovery

Righttheship

Strange question but for me it is enabling if I try to help someone who has not asked me for anything.

Has your AH asked you to help in this situation?

If he asked I think the other questions come to mind, but I tend to jump in and do, when I have not been asked. That is inappropriate behavior on my part.

AnvilheadII

He can certainly figure this out all by himself, if he is motivated to do so.

i'm curious what you think you can DO here that he cannot?

also, look at all the hoped for things you tie to this one act of "helping" -
my AH could course correct, get a job, start paying child support, and get in a real recovery program.

that's a whole lotta agenda and expectations. which to me moves from enabling to attempting to control the outcome.

HardLessons

I think its best to not help our addicts do what they should be doing for themselves.

An adult should be able to figure out how to renew a drivers license.

I was constantly roped into this type of enabling. Figuring it all out for her also normally got me the added prize of paying for it.

trailmix

As someone else has mentioned, has he asked you?

Not sure what the rules are where you live but where I live you have 2 years to renew your license before it is actually cancelled and you have to apply for a license again. I mean it's expired and he won't be able to drive, but he can just renew it. I'm going to guess most places have this kind of renewal grace period so basically, this house is not on fire, he has time to sort this out.

For me, if he in fact had a job offer and needed to get to work next Monday and asked for my help, yes, I would help out because that does affect the child support. Short of that, there really isn't any need for you to step in?

Florence

I say you give him the dignity of his choices, even his bad ones. All of us are where we are because we have felt the pain and pleasure of our decision-making - or not.

What in your life could use that time, care, and energy? Do that instead.

righttheship

He didn't outright ask. AH never does. He just talks incessantly about what's stressing him, hoping someone will take the cue and help. Yes, I try to tune it out. But it's hard not to pay attention to his employment situation, when I now live alone with, and am the sole financial provider for, two young children in one of the most expensive cities in the country.

I agree with what everyone has said. This is me trying to control what is really an ordinary, non-emergency situation, and do for an adult what he can do for himself.

My desire to help isn't even coming from an altruistic place. I just really don't want any of this to be my reality. So I tell myself, well maybe if I help a little here or there, it'll improve things.

Thanks for listening. It's hard to accept that I can't really make this better.

dandylion

righttheship…...I have been there...having three children to support as a single mother...with only very minimal support from their father, my first husband.
This is how I look at your current question----use your best judgement as to what will benefit your and your children's welfare, in the big picture.
These kinds of decision aren't always crystal clear...and, every situation has to be decided on it's own merits....
Do the best that you can with what you are dealing with......

thequest

What everyone else said.

Also isn't there a program he was or is part of have a job placement service even if it's entry level. That would give him enough for a cell phone and that bill could be used for utility bill.

As far as the driver's license most states offer a state ID for various business, not sure on ID requirements. Free in some states. Should suffice for a job without a driving requirement. He can do that himself.

Many mailbox services give you a street address, not a po box(even know the physical location puts the mail in one). The A here is whining about needing a different address for lower insurance rates which is rate evasion(not using mine), told him the samething.

And after watching a senior parent do for an adult child what you describe attempting to 'help' the A hoping a good job would be cure all chances are it won't work and break your bank.