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Old 11-11-2018, 09:49 PM   #41 (permalink)
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The apologies started tonight via text and email. I have blocked my cell but the texts go into a blocked folder so my phone does not notify me. Emails about Chronic traumatic encephalopathy... his excuse I guess. He was quite an athlete and did sustain a significant brain stem concussion. I am strong and brave. I will not reply......please send me strength and positive vibes my friends. He says he is lost without me... completely.
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Old 11-11-2018, 10:14 PM   #42 (permalink)
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He says he is lost without me... completely.
Well you can wait a day or so and then he will tell you:

Quote:
I am a bitch and a **** and very selfish and F...ED in the head.
Sorry to be so blunt, but please don't take anything he is saying to heart.

If you cannot do this for yourself (which I hope you will) please do it for your child(ren). This is guy is NOT just an addict, he is unstable. The one example you gave of what he texted to you is so far from normal. You may have become accustomed to some of what he texts and don't see it as clearly as you have heard it for a while and have probably steeled yourself to it a bit.

Please believe that he is not to be trusted, the texts are NOT normal.

If he has a condition, that is his responsibility, to get treatment. I doubt alcohol is a good treatment for a brain injury.

Stay strong, for yourself and for your child. Again, you are probably somewhat numb to his behaviour, please be aware, keep yourself safe.
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Old 11-11-2018, 10:21 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Well you can wait a day or so and then he will tell you:



Sorry to be so blunt, but please don't take anything he is saying to heart.

If you cannot do this for yourself (which I hope you will) please do it for your child(ren). This is guy is NOT just an addict, he is unstable. The one example you gave of what he texted to you is so far from normal. You may have become accustomed to some of what he texts and don't see it as clearly as you have heard it for a while and have probably steeled yourself to it a bit.

Please believe that he is not to be trusted, the texts are NOT normal.

If he has a condition, that is his responsibility, to get treatment. I doubt alcohol is a good treatment for a brain injury.

Stay strong, for yourself and for your child. Again, you are probably somewhat numb to his behaviour, please be aware, keep yourself safe.
Thank you.... I am not replying.... in a day or two the attacks will start again. I know it.... I may have to change my cell number. I block him and my phone does not ring but it will allow him to leave a voicemail. I dont want to hear it... it will be all lies.
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Old 11-12-2018, 08:03 AM   #44 (permalink)
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My recovering alcoholic dad was also a football player and LOVED to blame CTE for all his "problems". When he finally quit drinking (years ago) all those problems got better ... of course, he wasn't gonna do that until he was good and ready (and had already put our family through hell).
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Old 11-13-2018, 06:06 PM   #45 (permalink)
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I had a good day... felt calm at work. I went to the place where I met this man and sat on the park bench where we sat a year ago. It made me sad but I knew I made the right decision.
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Old 11-13-2018, 10:32 PM   #46 (permalink)
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I'm so glad to hear you had a more peaceful day.

On those days that might not be as sunny, remember that you are strong and that you will have great days, peaceful, contentment, you will get through this.
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Old 11-14-2018, 03:08 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Meadow, I'm glad you're coping well. I has to be easier because you've taken the decision yourself, rather than having it imposed on you.
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Old 11-16-2018, 04:20 PM   #48 (permalink)
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I spoke to him today... mainly for closure regarding our relationship. His issue was still that he was not a priority to me and mine was the verbal abuse. He apologized and when I said that I was struggling with it he said angrily that i should not hold him hostage to the words he did not mean. That was the end. I stupidly thought I could get him to see how wrong he was and then he would get help. I am not surprised. I feel sad for him. BTW I had no intention of taking him back today. one last effort to help him. I am seeing a therapist next week to help me move on emotionally from the disgusting words.
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Old 11-16-2018, 07:22 PM   #49 (permalink)
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He apologized and when I said that I was struggling with it he said angrily that i should not hold him hostage to the words he did not mean.
I'm so glad you are reaching out to a therapist Meadow, that can take courage, we always think we can just "ride it out" - we will be fineeeeeee, but there are things that need other perspectives and the tools the therapist can provide.

The fact that he would react angrily to your genuine concerns is a gigantic indicator of where he is at.

I hope you are doing things to look after yourself. Eating well, getting plenty of sleep and being kind to yourself.
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Old 11-23-2018, 02:48 PM   #50 (permalink)
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I am really struggling today. I saw a therapist and he was amazing ... I know in my head i am right in ending the relationship.. my heart aches for him. I feel guilty that I hurt him. I spoke to him against my better judgement ... okay I am lying.. I saw him last Sunday and we made love and it was so beautiful. Stupid me...I hate myself. I went to see him this morning and told him we cannot sweep this under the rug and carry on. Then it goes in circles... he said what he did because he was so hurt that I take him for granted.. that i am not there for him. Now i feel guilty and sorry for him. i feel i need to save him. therapist said its not my job to save him or make him happy. I miss him... just the good part. i know my gut instinct is right.. so why am i crying in my bed. i am so stupid. i feel so guilty. therapist said the things he said are abusive and not deserved no matter the issue in the relationship. i miss him.. i am stupid.
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Old 11-23-2018, 03:02 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Meadow...you are crying because you are grieving the loss of the relationship....or, at least, the IMPENDING loss....we all grieve the loss of what has been important to us...the things that we have invested a part of ourselves into....and grieving is terrible pain--esp. in the beginning...and it takes TIME.....

Did you not know this? Have you ever seen someone else lose something, and grieve....?
I don't think that you are dealing with stupidity, here....you are dealing with a normal and expected process...and, I think you are talking about "hope"...I think that you are hoping, against all odds, that he will suddenly change into what you
want so that you can avoid the necessary grieving of a break-up....

There is no easy way out of the forest....just straight through...
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Old 11-23-2018, 03:18 PM   #52 (permalink)
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i am so stupid. i feel so guilty. therapist said the things he said are abusive and not deserved no matter the issue in the relationship. i miss him.. i am stupid.
Meadow, I highly recommend that you go to the AlAnon website and look for meetings near you. Keep trying different ones until you find a group meeting that feels inspiring - you'll find one. This is much bigger than dismissing him as a flawed person and a therapist can only help so much. If you feel so drawn to this man, yet so painfully conflicted about it, a life program like AlAnon is going to give you many more tools and resources than a weekly one-hour talk with a therapist (which will continue to be helpful.) I strongly encourage you to reach out and find a group meeting that feels safe, supportive and most importantly, offers you a light on your pathway. This is huge - don't go it alone. You have many friends that you haven't met yet!
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Old 11-23-2018, 06:30 PM   #53 (permalink)
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You are not stupid. You are a human being who has empathy. You are also suffering a loss, much like a death. Don't beat yourself up.
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Old 11-23-2018, 06:32 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Meadow, I highly recommend that you go to the AlAnon website and look for meetings near you. Keep trying different ones until you find a group meeting that feels inspiring - you'll find one. This is much bigger than dismissing him as a flawed person and a therapist can only help so much. If you feel so drawn to this man, yet so painfully conflicted about it, a life program like AlAnon is going to give you many more tools and resources than a weekly one-hour talk with a therapist (which will continue to be helpful.) I strongly encourage you to reach out and find a group meeting that feels safe, supportive and most importantly, offers you a light on your pathway. This is huge - don't go it alone. You have many friends that you haven't met yet!

I think this is great advise.
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Old 11-23-2018, 09:40 PM   #55 (permalink)
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You're not stupid and you are not super-human and you are not weak, as has been mentioned you are grieving and that's normal.

Breaking up, sometimes, with an alcoholic is not like a normal break-up in many ways.

If you look at the man as two people. The kind, loving, romantic, etc person that he can be - Man 1 and the abusive, mean, person that texts you when he is drunk - Man 2, how tough is that. You don't want anything to do with Man 2! He is horrible! You don't deserve to ever be treated like that, you only want Man 1.

Well Man 1 does not exist, anywhere. He is one person, the good and the horrible.

Even if he got sober, those problems he has may well remain, there is a reason he drinks to excess, there is a dark side there, based on what you have mentioned.

Did you tell the therapist what he has texted to you? I hope you will, if you haven't already and I mean all of it, the worst of it, get his viewpoint, I think that might be helpful. Perhaps writing it down and taking the list with you would help.

I don't see any mention of him quitting drinking at all? Has he not even suggested that? That and getting help?

What is all this about taking him for granted? Because you can't accept his abusiveness?
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:31 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Hi Trailmix
Yes I told the therapist all the details. It is abuse... anyway you slice it. He is trying to get me to understand why i cant be without him. It is not my job to make him happy or save him. Yes this man feels i take him for granted. when it was good we both needed /wanted different things from each other. he sees that as not caring. i call it an impasse...no ones fault. he does not admit to having a problem with booze... he denies it. so that is not an issue for him. i have to be strong. i samm chasing a memory of part of a man. like you said that man does not exist he comes with a dark side.
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Old 11-24-2018, 12:45 PM   #57 (permalink)
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I wanted to leave things agreeing that there are beautiful memories and it was so good at times. I just get more abuse back. He only says i lied and am a fraud and used him. He tells me to f off and go to hell and says he is not the only one who knows what i am really like. so confusing because i cannot imagine whow would say thst about me. i am not perfect but i am not mean in any way. i have to learn that there is no reasoning with him. He has to help himself first.
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Old 11-24-2018, 01:09 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Yes he does. You know Meadow - again, not trying to scare you, but I read a lot here on SR and elsewhere and this guy strikes me as really off-balanced. Not to say any addict is the epitome of rationality and there are certainly so many stories of abuse as well (unfortunately).

Again, please keep your guard up. It looks like you won't be able to get the - leaving with kindness you would like, although that's a very nice idea. As long as you are still in contact with him he will continue to send abuse.
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Old 11-24-2018, 03:38 PM   #59 (permalink)
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Yes he does. You know Meadow - again, not trying to scare you, but I read a lot here on SR and elsewhere and this guy strikes me as really off-balanced. Not to say any addict is the epitome of rationality and there are certainly so many stories of abuse as well (unfortunately).

Again, please keep your guard up. It looks like you won't be able to get the - leaving with kindness you would like, although that's a very nice idea. As long as you are still in contact with him he will continue to send abuse.
Thank you... you are correct and I know in my head what is right but my heart is too big not to try for a kind ending but i have to accept it... I tried. I am not in contact and if he continues to send bizarre messages( I do not respond) i will go to police if i have to. My last contact was asking him politely to not contact me.... I have received 30 messages so far since then.
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Old 11-26-2018, 04:48 PM   #60 (permalink)
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still have that sick feeling in my stomach today. my head is getting stronger but my heart still hurts. this may sound crazy but i feel sorry for L. even though he hurt me so bad.
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