What is a raging alcoholic?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Good for you for not responding!
If the first texts were nasty and he didn’t get a response, they either got even worse or he switched gears trying to charm and/or guilt trip you. Either way you don’t need that, at all. You’re going to be hurt, mad, or drawn in...no, just no.
For tonight, how about either turning your phone off completely or blocking him? If you’re not quite ready to block him permanently, is there a friend you trust who can read his texts for you? The friend can tell you if there’s anything you really need to know. There probably won’t be.
As they say around here, no new contact means no new hurt.
Stay strong, take care of you and get some rest, yes?
Wishing you peace of mind.
P.S. it might help if you go back to the beginning of this thread and read through it...you’re so much stronger than you were six months ago. Don’t let him drag you back there, please?
If the first texts were nasty and he didn’t get a response, they either got even worse or he switched gears trying to charm and/or guilt trip you. Either way you don’t need that, at all. You’re going to be hurt, mad, or drawn in...no, just no.
For tonight, how about either turning your phone off completely or blocking him? If you’re not quite ready to block him permanently, is there a friend you trust who can read his texts for you? The friend can tell you if there’s anything you really need to know. There probably won’t be.
As they say around here, no new contact means no new hurt.
Stay strong, take care of you and get some rest, yes?
Wishing you peace of mind.
P.S. it might help if you go back to the beginning of this thread and read through it...you’re so much stronger than you were six months ago. Don’t let him drag you back there, please?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
Thank you...I am too ashamed to let my friends know how he really is. I have blocked his number but my phone Samsung A8 has a folder for blocked messages. They do not show up with your regular messages but they are easy to find. I would change my number but I run a small business and all my clients have this number. If it keeps up I will go to RCMP and they will have a chat with him. I am trying to delete before I read. There is nothing I really need to know from him. If it is super important his friends know how to reach me. He needs help.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Thanks for posting...I was worried about you!
You really, really, really can’t fix him. He can’t fix himself because he doesn’t want to. Give him over to the Universe, tuck yourself in and sleep.
You will be glad tomorrow that you didn’t get sucked into this again, I promise.
You really, really, really can’t fix him. He can’t fix himself because he doesn’t want to. Give him over to the Universe, tuck yourself in and sleep.
You will be glad tomorrow that you didn’t get sucked into this again, I promise.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yes, but that would still be responding to him in a way, right?
By all means, if it makes you more comfortable talk to the police. I don’t know how it works in Canada...seems like here in the US it’s pretty dependent on how good the local PD is.
Sasha1972 wrote a wonderful metaphor about going back and forth with her XAH...like they each had one end of the rope and kept yanking on it.
You really can drop the rope and walk away.
That power is yours.
Good night!
By all means, if it makes you more comfortable talk to the police. I don’t know how it works in Canada...seems like here in the US it’s pretty dependent on how good the local PD is.
Sasha1972 wrote a wonderful metaphor about going back and forth with her XAH...like they each had one end of the rope and kept yanking on it.
You really can drop the rope and walk away.
That power is yours.
Good night!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Meadow.
Sending you support and hugs. Things will get better.
My opinion? He is going to meet someone else, probably very soon.
It’s a couple of things with alcohol addicts. One is they need another enabler soonest. The other is, my opinion only, a knee jerk “she rejected me? I’ll show her.”
No crystal ball, but been on this site long enough to see how often that rolls.
Stay strong for you and your child, and remember that we are not responsible for someone else’s happiness.
We are not that powerful.
Sending you support and hugs. Things will get better.
My opinion? He is going to meet someone else, probably very soon.
It’s a couple of things with alcohol addicts. One is they need another enabler soonest. The other is, my opinion only, a knee jerk “she rejected me? I’ll show her.”
No crystal ball, but been on this site long enough to see how often that rolls.
Stay strong for you and your child, and remember that we are not responsible for someone else’s happiness.
We are not that powerful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by Trinity7777 
Aww Meadow, I'm so sorry 😢 I know how tempting it is to return to them. I did it at least 6 times over the past 2 years. It's insane.
And like everyone has mentioned, once they start the abuse cycle, it doesn't get better. It gets worse and worse. I don't think there are many exceptions to this unless they reach for true help and recovery.
For me, what started as nasty texts turned into verbal abuse, turned into throwing and breaking my possessions, turned into punching holes in the wall by my head, turned into tripping me and pushing me down, turned into putting his hand on my throat, turned into raising his hand to me in the classic "backhand" way... That last one was a month back and I've been NC ever since. I saw enough to know what will come next
And in my situation, the cycle of abuse got shorter and shorter each time we reconciled. Early on, there would be a couple months between episodes, turned into mere weeks between episodes, turned into days, then hours, you get the picture.
I feel for you so much because I, too, have the nearly uncontrollable desire to reconcile with him each time. My reasons varied between feeling sorry for him and dismissing his bad behavior and treatment of me because I could "understand where he was coming from", or believing I was the only one who could help him and that he truly meant it when he said loved me and needed me to help him, to straight up just missing him so deeply I decided the pain of being apart was worse than what I was enduring.
I had/have so much delusion, so much fog, so much loss of self. I'm still working very hard to clear my head and take off my rose colored glasses and regain my health and sense of self. I'm on day 29 of NC since I ended things with him for the last (I hope!), and in some ways I have progressed... But I know in my heart that I would still take him back if I allowed myself to see him or talk to him. That's why full NC has been so important for me. I know what's in store for me if I go back to him. I can't wait until this irrational obsession with him and reconciling with him because "he will get better for me and our love" goes away. I'm working hard on myself to make that happen. I hope you'll be able to start focusing on yourself soon too ❤
Don't feel bad that you fell for it. Most of us have gone back to them even after we realized it couldn't ever truly work out. Usually more than once. I wish SO MUCH I had stuck to my guns the very first time I ended things with him early on in our relationship. It would've been easier before I allowed my self worth, self respect and self esteem to be eroded so far. I didn't even realize it was happening until the very end when my mental and physical health was so poor that barely anything was left of me. I'm slowly rebuilding that, and getting stronger and smarter each day... But wow, it got so bad and I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WHAT WAS HAPPENING until after I got out of it.
That's awesome that you aren't speaking to him right now. I hope you'll stick with it and string enough days together to clear your mind a bit so you can see things as they truly are. I couldn't even think straight or remember when the abuse had crept in for at least the first week or two of NC. It was really weird, I was in such a fog! As it lifted, I was able to think further and further back and I could start to see how it had been creeping in, it just started out more covertly. So insidious!
Then today I went to journal in an old notebook I unearthed.. And I found entries I had written every few months throughout our relationship dating back to October of 2017 lamenting his poor treatment of me, and my suspicions of him cheating, and on and on. What?? All of this has been going on since nearly the beginning, and I had NO recollection of it. Only memories of how wonderful it had once been. When I first ended things I truly thought the abuse and bad behavior had only begun a couple months prior. WTF.
I tell you this not to hijack your thread, but to warn you that you might be stuck in your addiction to him and in the FOG and may not be seeing and recognizing the full picture. Maybe read through some of your old threads when you feel like you're weakening towards him.
I also suggest keeping an abuse journal whether you reconcile with him or not. Like, write out all the bad past incidents you can currently remember... And then start keeping an up to date list WITH DATES of the things he does to you. Your future self might find those entries 2 years later like I did, and it might help you wake up to the cycle like I am. And it might save your life.
I will listen to you... I will empathize and commiserate with you. I will offer what little I've managed to learn so far, anytime you want! I hope you'll keep posting.
Last thing (sorry so long!), the book that helped me come out of the fog the most is called "Psychopath Free" by Jackson Mackenzie I think. You can get it online instantly for pretty cheap. It doesn't matter if your ABF is also a psychopath or narcissist or borderline or whatever in addition to being an alcoholic, this book gives an excellent cut and dry breakdown of the cycle of abuse and is totally in line with what anyone dating someone in active addiction is dealing with. Reading it, my XABF did and said literally everything in this book! I could've written it! I think you'll find the same.
I've also found a lot of comfort in YouTube videos about narcissists because their treatment of us is so close to narcissistic abuse. I'm trying to give up on which came first, the personality disorder or the addictions, because it doesn't actually matter. The fact of the matter is that they are abusing us, and no personality disorder or addiction excuses that! Let me know if you want any recommendations on YouTube channels to check out. These books and videos, and this place (!!), have been the cornerstones of my recovery and WAKING UP. And every time I start to forget that I was BEING ABUSED I hop on here or I watch some videos on narcissism. And it wakes me right back up!
I hope something in this novel helps you or brings you some comfort. Know you're not alone!!! xo
And like everyone has mentioned, once they start the abuse cycle, it doesn't get better. It gets worse and worse. I don't think there are many exceptions to this unless they reach for true help and recovery.
For me, what started as nasty texts turned into verbal abuse, turned into throwing and breaking my possessions, turned into punching holes in the wall by my head, turned into tripping me and pushing me down, turned into putting his hand on my throat, turned into raising his hand to me in the classic "backhand" way... That last one was a month back and I've been NC ever since. I saw enough to know what will come next
And in my situation, the cycle of abuse got shorter and shorter each time we reconciled. Early on, there would be a couple months between episodes, turned into mere weeks between episodes, turned into days, then hours, you get the picture.
I feel for you so much because I, too, have the nearly uncontrollable desire to reconcile with him each time. My reasons varied between feeling sorry for him and dismissing his bad behavior and treatment of me because I could "understand where he was coming from", or believing I was the only one who could help him and that he truly meant it when he said loved me and needed me to help him, to straight up just missing him so deeply I decided the pain of being apart was worse than what I was enduring.
I had/have so much delusion, so much fog, so much loss of self. I'm still working very hard to clear my head and take off my rose colored glasses and regain my health and sense of self. I'm on day 29 of NC since I ended things with him for the last (I hope!), and in some ways I have progressed... But I know in my heart that I would still take him back if I allowed myself to see him or talk to him. That's why full NC has been so important for me. I know what's in store for me if I go back to him. I can't wait until this irrational obsession with him and reconciling with him because "he will get better for me and our love" goes away. I'm working hard on myself to make that happen. I hope you'll be able to start focusing on yourself soon too ❤
Don't feel bad that you fell for it. Most of us have gone back to them even after we realized it couldn't ever truly work out. Usually more than once. I wish SO MUCH I had stuck to my guns the very first time I ended things with him early on in our relationship. It would've been easier before I allowed my self worth, self respect and self esteem to be eroded so far. I didn't even realize it was happening until the very end when my mental and physical health was so poor that barely anything was left of me. I'm slowly rebuilding that, and getting stronger and smarter each day... But wow, it got so bad and I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WHAT WAS HAPPENING until after I got out of it.
That's awesome that you aren't speaking to him right now. I hope you'll stick with it and string enough days together to clear your mind a bit so you can see things as they truly are. I couldn't even think straight or remember when the abuse had crept in for at least the first week or two of NC. It was really weird, I was in such a fog! As it lifted, I was able to think further and further back and I could start to see how it had been creeping in, it just started out more covertly. So insidious!
Then today I went to journal in an old notebook I unearthed.. And I found entries I had written every few months throughout our relationship dating back to October of 2017 lamenting his poor treatment of me, and my suspicions of him cheating, and on and on. What?? All of this has been going on since nearly the beginning, and I had NO recollection of it. Only memories of how wonderful it had once been. When I first ended things I truly thought the abuse and bad behavior had only begun a couple months prior. WTF.
I tell you this not to hijack your thread, but to warn you that you might be stuck in your addiction to him and in the FOG and may not be seeing and recognizing the full picture. Maybe read through some of your old threads when you feel like you're weakening towards him.
I also suggest keeping an abuse journal whether you reconcile with him or not. Like, write out all the bad past incidents you can currently remember... And then start keeping an up to date list WITH DATES of the things he does to you. Your future self might find those entries 2 years later like I did, and it might help you wake up to the cycle like I am. And it might save your life.
I will listen to you... I will empathize and commiserate with you. I will offer what little I've managed to learn so far, anytime you want! I hope you'll keep posting.
Last thing (sorry so long!), the book that helped me come out of the fog the most is called "Psychopath Free" by Jackson Mackenzie I think. You can get it online instantly for pretty cheap. It doesn't matter if your ABF is also a psychopath or narcissist or borderline or whatever in addition to being an alcoholic, this book gives an excellent cut and dry breakdown of the cycle of abuse and is totally in line with what anyone dating someone in active addiction is dealing with. Reading it, my XABF did and said literally everything in this book! I could've written it! I think you'll find the same.
I've also found a lot of comfort in YouTube videos about narcissists because their treatment of us is so close to narcissistic abuse. I'm trying to give up on which came first, the personality disorder or the addictions, because it doesn't actually matter. The fact of the matter is that they are abusing us, and no personality disorder or addiction excuses that! Let me know if you want any recommendations on YouTube channels to check out. These books and videos, and this place (!!), have been the cornerstones of my recovery and WAKING UP. And every time I start to forget that I was BEING ABUSED I hop on here or I watch some videos on narcissism. And it wakes me right back up!
I hope something in this novel helps you or brings you some comfort. Know you're not alone!!! xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Meadow,
You are sounding stronger today. I know people don't like to use anger because they just don't want to, but anger is an emotion, and sometimes you need to use it to get you thorough the rough spots, kind of like you did today, to just delete some of those texts.
I'm from southern part of Pennsylvania, a stone throw to Maryland.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
and keep taking care of your beautiful self
amy
You are sounding stronger today. I know people don't like to use anger because they just don't want to, but anger is an emotion, and sometimes you need to use it to get you thorough the rough spots, kind of like you did today, to just delete some of those texts.
I'm from southern part of Pennsylvania, a stone throw to Maryland.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
and keep taking care of your beautiful self
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I hope you are enjoying your evening and that you did go out tonight. It's 11:07 here, think it's 8:07 there. I know that you probably have one of those newer phones and can respond here, I only have one of those dinosaur phones which is mainly just for phone calls.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 9
Hi Everyone,
I understand Rage more then you know.
I have been married to on again off again Ragging Alcoholic for over 30 years. He currently has stopped drinking for 6 months. But now he is a Ragging dry drunk I do not know what is worse. I love him but we all do not like his outbursts, and as he has gotten older it has gotten worse.
I understand that Alcoholism is a disease and that he is sick and I pray a lot but it is difficult to deal with at times.
Our 2 adult daughters do not want anything to do with him anymore and this makes him rage more. I remind out daughters that he is sick but they tell me that they wish I left him and have no feelings of love for their own father. They feel he never loved them all he ever did was rage and make them fear and hate him. It is too sad and I do not know how to fix this.
"An angel is someone who helps you believe in miracles again!"
I understand Rage more then you know.
I have been married to on again off again Ragging Alcoholic for over 30 years. He currently has stopped drinking for 6 months. But now he is a Ragging dry drunk I do not know what is worse. I love him but we all do not like his outbursts, and as he has gotten older it has gotten worse.
I understand that Alcoholism is a disease and that he is sick and I pray a lot but it is difficult to deal with at times.
Our 2 adult daughters do not want anything to do with him anymore and this makes him rage more. I remind out daughters that he is sick but they tell me that they wish I left him and have no feelings of love for their own father. They feel he never loved them all he ever did was rage and make them fear and hate him. It is too sad and I do not know how to fix this.
"An angel is someone who helps you believe in miracles again!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,633
Originally Posted by Ladyd7777
It is too sad and I do not know how to fix this.
As for the relationship with your Daughters, do you have a separate relationship with them? I hope so. They are grown up now and there is also nothing you can do to change the way they feel. If he had sought real recovery, if he had dealt with his rage issues, perhaps that might (or might not) make a difference there but that's not the case.
You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.
Are you happy to stay with him or are you considering leaving?
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