psychedelikat

Our sex life has dwindled to nothing, too, it's been almost five months.

781

Thanks Doug for helping me to take an honest look at how my role can and does effect all of my communication with my AH. I have been all of those things. Even though my AH has been sober since Dec (after recieving his fourth DWI) he continues to talk to me in the same ways he has in the 11 years we have been together. After trying to make me feel inferior about the way I grocery shop and then threatening to leave me because I "am not a good wife" I calmly told him that if that is what he needed to do, it was fine and I would try to find an apartment while he was out.
Oddly enough he stopped screaming, did not call a cab (because he can't drive) and has been quietly reading a book in the other room for some time.

The sad thing is that I know I can not bluff with this. I finally understand that the only thing that will remotly give us a chance is for him to understand I will not allow him to use me as an excuse or an enabler in an addiction he has battled since before we met.

I am new to this sight. It has been a great relief to discover that I am not the only one who feels so confused, hurt, frustrated and love but just can not give up on my AH.
Thank You all for your honesty.

jennyd

Ohhh, XOXOXO, I know exactly what you mean. I just left my AH 12/14/05, and find myself thinking of him all the time. I know I'm now doing a "number" on myself with this, but I love this man with all of my being. I haven't forgotten the horrible things that happened when we were together, including when he turned on my 80 yr old Mom with no provocation whatsoever. This happened on a weeklong vacation in Fl where he stayed drunk from the moment we got on the plane, till the time we got back home; my poor Mom had only said that she'd like to see the finale of Frazier and so would like to have dinner a half hour earlier. He tore into her like a madman, right up in her face, and screamed every vile obscenity you can imagine. She was shaking so bad that I was afraid she might have a heart attack, and felt like I was going to as well. He finally turned away from her, went to the bedroom still cursing, and I followed. I told him that when we got home I was going to find a place to live and divorce him. Of course, I was talking to a blown-away drunk so it made no difference. When we got home, and for the next 2 months, he made it a point to tell me many, many times how "I" had ruined his entire vacation. Most every nite for the past 3 yrs of our marriage has been like this, including making scenes at our dear neighbor's home, in restaurants, etc. I have felt like dying a thousand times. After that "vacation", I did begin my search for an apt. and signed a lease. Even through this time, he has told me that he doesn't want a divorce, but continued to "kill" me with words and deeds every day. I decided that no matter how much I love him, I could not be taken down with him any longer; I wanted a sane and healthy life again; I wanted to see my friends again, and I wanted to feel safe. From his viewpoint, in many discussions, it has always been everyone else's fault, never his.
So here's what I did, and I recommend it to you; I have the Alcoholics Anonymous book and have read it from cover to cover. I decided that every household should have this book whether they have problems or not, and should put the steps to use in their own lives. I tried the first steps and asked that my anger towards my husband be removed; the next day it was gone. In it's place I now have compassion and hope for him to find his own way. Make no mistake, I still love this man, but I know that I am not the one that can "fix" him, only another alcoholic can do that with AA. Now I'm looking forward to going to Al-Anon regularly and becoming a helping hand for others that are in our boat. Read the book. It will change your life---guaranteed. Best to all of us We're never alone

AJS

i am in the same situation that you are in. do you have friends that will support you? has he ever hit you? personally, i dont know if leaving my boyfriend is good or bad for me or him.

cutsiegirl

I have a boyfriend for 2 years and it has been up and down, with drinking and then quitting. He has been in AA since 10/28/04 and things were going decent, however this past weekend he slipped and spent all Friday night out and then when he did it again on Saturday, I am just about at the end of my patience, he is always worried about his nerves and how things affect him, he admits he has a problem but I just don't know how much more patience I have for this. I feel we are in the same place as i was a year ago...and I don't know if it is worth it anymore.

mallowcup

I see these as modes of survival. If you have children, you protect them from seeing their father in the flowerbed. You let them sleep by opening the door and getting him into bed. Enabling?, I think these are measures of his problem with alcohol, They are not mistakes, they are measures. I think every wife or husband goes through these transitions trying to find one that works. None of them do. I won't take on that responsibilty of being a part of the reason he drinks. It imples that if you do something other than these things, he won't drink.

mallowcup

Does that include ignoring his being drunk when he wants to have sex. We can set boundaries when he is sober, unfortunately they become his ammunition when he is drunk. I could vomit when he is drunk and wants to make love. My rejection is his reason to keep the house up all night running his mouth. I can ignore him in some situations but what about sex? We shouldn't
comfront when he is drunk but how do you handle it when he is drunk and wants sex now? Give in and talk about when he is sober? How do you avoid sex when no means no now?

FriendofBill

I have something called "FREE WILL"...which means I get to say NO to anything at anytime to anyone for any reason.

Just becuase I marry a man does not make me his prostitute and must serve him sexually.

Today, I say what I mean,
I mean what I say.

And if people do not respect my response of "No", thats THEIR problem. Not mine.
I love myself THATTTTTTTTTTT much, to stand up for myself.

Thank god, and thank Al-Anon for THAT!

minnie

Just wanted to say to all you Newbies - Welcome!!!

It would be nice to get to know you all, so why not start a new thread? There is a lot of support on here - you can guarantee that at least one of us (and most likely most of us) will understand where you are coming from.

So, come down and say hello!!

Love

Minnie
xxx

CAN

I've been married to my husband for 17 years. As far as I know (as much as anyone can be certain), he quit drinking 3 years ago. At first I was extreemly angry. I think it had something to do with the fact that I was in my last year in a 3 year college course and was planning to leave him. I was finally getting on with my life and he gets sober. Very upsetting. In a way it forced me to stay and see if we could make it a go.

I'm not entirely sure if we are still reacting to each other in the same way as we did while he was drinking. The put downs are still coming out of his mouth and he is still trying to make me feel less than I am. I've become bitter & bitchy.

Three years later and I'm still finding it difficult to stay. I love him (likely always will) but I did try to put our lives back together but don't know how. It's like, we've lived so long in specific roles that we no longer know how to communicate with each other. I've found that we have nothing in common (except 2 wonderful girls), we have no sex (told me last year he's not interested) - I don't think there is much to stay for. Perhaps because of the kids?? Who out there can give advice on this?? Or is going through a similar situation?

nocellphone

Hi, CAN! Welcome to SR...

There are many folks on this site who can prob'ly relate to what you've shared and may have support and suggestions for you.

You might get more responses if you post your original sharing as a new thread (rather than as a reply here) so that it doesn't get lost in the shuffle.

I hope you find some peace here...

Mistress N

[QUOTE=. The worst part is, I was miserable with him in the end and now I'm miserable without him. I'm not quite sure how I can accept the fact that my best friend is gone...now forever. I feel like someone I love dearly has died. My head knows I've suffered enough from the wrath of this disease and all the misery it brings but my heart just can't get the message. QUOTE]

This is what I've been feeling everyday for three months. . . I broke up with my B/F of 3 1/2 years because his drinking became significantly worse the past year and a half and no one knows why -- not even his family. We don't know what triggered it cause he never drank that much before? Either I am stupid or have too much faith but I think/hope someday he'll get better cause he has a heart of gold. . . I just know it's going to take something really bad to happen. He's already doing bad things and the worst part about the breakup is that he has found a "rebound g/f" that drinks with him . He calls me sometimes but I don't call him but it's hard not to pick up the phone when he calls. . .

z34peach

I am definatley the Provoker, I used to be able to keep my mouth shut, but I guess I've gotten to the point where I feel like nothing I do is right, ive expressed my concern and how much I love him, but I want him to be aware of what he is doing and putting everyone around him through.

Is this a bad thing?

katiewhite

I am all three at once. HELP

z34peach

I know the feeling, same here almost 5 months, how the hell is this possible???

LeeCheo

Hi CAN -- you spurred me to post today -- see the new thread with a title I stole from your post! LeeCheo

mallowcup

The mistakes are made clear but not the proper response to these situations. My husband fell int he back yard in tthe seep snow and couldn't get up. I watched him from the window waiting to se if he could get hiself up. I waited 40 minutes and had to help him up or her would have frozen to death. The next week he fell on our front steps and couldn't get up. He had blood gushing out of his head so of to the ER we went. He totaled his truck drunk and had surgery on his hand and arm. He drinks a case if beer every single day. His labs were fine, his liver fine, his head CT fine. He has been drinking like this for 25 years. The more he drinks, them ore he escalates. they did a chest xray and it was unreadable. He has lost 30 pounds in the past three months. He gets himself all worked up and becomes caustic. they checked his thyroid and that is fine. Most of his buddies have beer bellies, myhusband looks like he just got out of concentration camp. So when he dfalls or hurts himself, what I am supposed to do?

nocellphone

I guess you do whatever is appropriate to the situation, within reason.

Sometimes, being in a relationship with an out-of-control alcoholic is like trying to live two lives at once. I don't have that kind of energy or willingness today.

You might consider beginning a new thread for this subject, as you might get more responses that way. It seems kinda buried here, and i think it's an important question for others to hear.

Peace...

Sapphoness

I never saw myself as an enabler, as I would hide alcohol from him or throw it out, I would insist he not drink, blame those who allowed him to and wish all my problems would disappear. But, I guess I suffer all three mentioned. I always remember my sister saying, " why do you get upset, he doesn't, you are the only one that it effects emotionally" It was and is true, why I ever tried to rationalize with him intoxicated, I don't know, maybe I just hoped something would get through, but it never did. He had to make the connection himself and thankfully he has for today and I pray for all other tomorrows. I do not want to be a martyr anymore, I want to stop living in a world of blame and just move onto a place of peace and happiness.

beverleywood

Was I a rescuer? My baby sister was an alcoholic, and when I found out, I spent 2 years trying to rescue her from 3,000 miles away.

My sister's husband kicked her out (would he have kicked her out if she had cancer?), so I helped her get a lawyer, sold some jewelry (hers) on eBay to help her pay for the laywer.

We planned a family-friend intervention, and she went to Detox. She met a guy in detox and moved in with him. I think she was maybe a love addict too.

A year later, she got her divorce settlement, about $100K. She had credit card bills and car bills, lawyers fees, which left her with about $70K. Enough for a new start.

She and the new house mate drank like fish together and hid it when they could. But we knew. They Then he took her car and hit someone while drunk. They went into a 10 day rehab program, separately. While she was gone, he pawned a lot of my sister's jewelry (from our dead mother, etc.). When he was in rehab, she got drunk and went to the AA meeting the rehab group attends, so she could see him. (!) He went to trial and went to jail. She went to visit him there, I told her she was an idiot.

I was less patient with her on the phone after that, and spoke to her less and less overall. She was almost always drunk. I called her on it and she didn't like that. I told her hundreds of times that if she didn't stop she would die. Our relationship became more distant.

Then the phone call came. The police found her dead in her house with 3 empty vodka bottles around her on the floor. Liver failure. I wasn't surprised, I guess. That was just over a year ago.

I know I enabled her -- the settlement money allowed her to drink without worrying about where she would get her next bottle -- she went through it all (plus more as her credit cards were jacked up again) in one year. I kept trying to get her to buy a house or some investment but she wouldn't give it up. I think she thought the guy would leave if she didn't have money.

I'm thinking about her near this 1-year anniversary and missing her, wishing I had been able to help her. There comes a point where you just have to throw up your hands and let them figure it out themselves. Which is what I did ...and she died. That may just be coincidental, but it's hard not to think that leaving her to fend for herself wasn't a good idea. I wanted her to hit bottom -- not die.

I can see that the money made it too easy for her. I really thought I was helping (and I didn't want her to walk away peniless after 10 years with all the sweat equity she had contributed to). I guess you never can know for sure. You just have to do the best you can with the best intentions and the best research. Thanks for listening. I miss her.