There are many ways to enable an alcoholic
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Roo - Welcome
I would recommend you start a thread in the lower section of Friends and Family of Alcoholics. That way, more people will see your message, and you will get more replies, OK?
Regarding your question, that is one of the very hardest things to figure out. I'm still learning what loving detachment is. I know one thing for sure, we don't need to stop loving, and we can learn to stop hurting.
Keep coming back
Robin
I would recommend you start a thread in the lower section of Friends and Family of Alcoholics. That way, more people will see your message, and you will get more replies, OK?
Regarding your question, that is one of the very hardest things to figure out. I'm still learning what loving detachment is. I know one thing for sure, we don't need to stop loving, and we can learn to stop hurting.
Keep coming back
Robin
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
No probs. All you need to do is go to the main Friends and Family page (click Here ) then click the button in the top(ish) left hand corner that says "New Thread". Type away in the box, then when you're done click "submit new thread" and voila!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Bournemouth UK
Posts: 6
Hi Everone
Its really interesting reading about your different expericences. I do feel like a myarta, which I definately do not want to be. I asked my husband to leave about three months ago, hoping it would be his rock bottom. This hasn't worked, he says he wants help. He feels alcholism is an illness and that he can't controll it. He attended a day treatment program, but started drinking during it. He is now hoping to get a referral to a residentail treatment centre. I'am trying to move on with my life, but I'am still hoping he will stop drinking so we can be a family again. It seems more and more likely that this isn't going to happen.
Its really interesting reading about your different expericences. I do feel like a myarta, which I definately do not want to be. I asked my husband to leave about three months ago, hoping it would be his rock bottom. This hasn't worked, he says he wants help. He feels alcholism is an illness and that he can't controll it. He attended a day treatment program, but started drinking during it. He is now hoping to get a referral to a residentail treatment centre. I'am trying to move on with my life, but I'am still hoping he will stop drinking so we can be a family again. It seems more and more likely that this isn't going to happen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Burlington Vermont
Posts: 36
Help
I am making the dicision right now to leave,. we have 3 small children, I believe he is an alcoholic, but what is the definition? He drinks everyday mostly, yes, comes home from work drunk, neglects his kids. I have an apartment, job all set up to go to but I am so easily influenced by him, this morning there was a note "don't make any rash decisions before we talk tonight" and he'll try to convince me, make promises and I am so scared because I am weak when it comes to him. I know I should do this....what hurts my kids more though? Taking them from their Dad to a new place/school? Or staying here, when he gets nasty they are usually asleep and don't hear it, I think.....but there are times when it's in front of them. God, I wish someone would just say "you are doing the right thing...your kids will be fine" but I know no one can promise me that and it's not fair to ask. I don't want to hurt my children by going back again either. Where do I get the strength?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 1
Limena
I think my husband is alcoholic. He drinks every day, I try to talk to him and we have agreed that he is not going to have more that two drinks but it doesn't work all the times. The problem is that he gets angry when he drinks and tries to start arguing with me or our son (he is 19 and he doesn't like his father when he is drunk). Please I would like to have orientation in how to deal with a drunk, I have read PARt 1 and PART 2 and now I know that I was not reacting in a proper way; each time he got drunk I had tried to talk to him and let him know that he was hurting me and our son psycologically; but that has'nt work at all. He always promises not to have more than two drinks but when he stays at home alone he forgets about his promise. I need advice and material to read about how to deal with an alcoholic (he doesn't admitt he is one, he says he can quit drinking whenever he wants but he doesn't want to stop drinking because he likes it). We have been married for 23 years.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, Limena, and welcome to SR. You've found a great place for love and support. Check out the other "sticky" posts (the ones on the nar-anon board are good too.) - there's lots of great insight on there.
Why not start a new thread so that you can introduce yourself? That way, you won't get lost on this big long thread.
The forst thing that I learned was what is called the 3 Cs -
We didn't CAUSE them to drink
We can't CONTROL their drinking
We can't CURE their drink problem
In a sense, everything else flows from there.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Why not start a new thread so that you can introduce yourself? That way, you won't get lost on this big long thread.
The forst thing that I learned was what is called the 3 Cs -
We didn't CAUSE them to drink
We can't CONTROL their drinking
We can't CURE their drink problem
In a sense, everything else flows from there.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Whats A Mom To Do
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Portland Oregon
Posts: 1
New and need help
I recently discovered that my son is an alcoholic. He is 27 years old and I can only assume that it started the day he moved out at 21 years old. In this 6 years he has distoryed 2 serious relationships (who of course he said was their fault at the time) . He was having trouble financially and living alone so I let him move back in with me only to find out the real reason for his troubles. It absolutely breaks my heart to see him come home every night drunk. In this short 2 month period that he has been home... I have seen it all. I have rescued him from places he has no idea how he got there. (calls from strangers finding my number in his cell phone). My apologies and lies go on forever to strangers. He has fallen off the porch passing out and I have literly had to picked him up and bring him inside. My sleepless nights worrying and fearing he will fall into traffic or get mussed or god knows what has caused me my own health issues and distress at my place of employment. I have done all the aboved mentioned. Cover his rear on many occasions and have lied too many times. Where do I begin and how do I stop enabling him? Do I kick him out into the streets? I've yelled, I've cried and I've lied and everything in between. I've askied him over and over to go to AA and that I would go with him. I offered to take him to and from. He just gets mad and says he can handle it. Please Help!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Bowling Green Ohio
Posts: 7
I read this and realized I am a combination of # 2 and 3...I understand how yelling at someone with this disease can enable them but how do u control these emotions? what about the emotions of the people the abusers have hurt so many years? I am a daughter of an alcoholic and find myslef hating my mother...I would like to move past this point but find it difficult..dont get me wrong I love her I just dont like her...I would like to move on and forgive her but have no idea where to begin. especially when you are still in the situation...I just do not know how to sit back and let her continue her downward spiral with out trying to help her...though I know my help will never do any good...is this a situation where the loved ones are screwed either way..and why is it the sick persons choice to decide when to recieve help..that hardly seems fair...Im sorry to offend I am just confused by this
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
Ok,here this goes. I'm about at the end of the line here. My fiancé has a drinking problem. Is she a alcoholic? I don't know. She is for lack of better words a mean drunk when she does drink. Which is every day.She doesn't drink in the morning or during the work week But,comes home form work and starts with mostly scotch and water on a good day just one or two of those. But,then switches to wine until bed. I know that when I see that scotch in her hand its going to be a bad night and I find myself trying not to push the buttons. If something's on her mind that upsets her. Then look out! I get it and the yelling and screaming starts. I have to admit I fought back and have told myself I wont lose my cool. But,some of the mean and nasty things that she says eventually get to me. I don't have to go into all the gory details as I'm sure most of the people on this site have been though them. Don't get me wrong I still love her but its getting bad lately. I guess what really hurts is that she know that the drinking is a problem for me and we have had some vary ugly fights. But,she still thinks its my problem with it. I just cant sit and watch her have drink after drink at night. Is that wrong? Should I just let her keep doing it without saying anything. She has said she is unhappy also. But,how can it work out when you cant even go one day without having a drink. I know Im kind of rambling here. Sorry,like I said its coming to a head. I want us to be happy together and I would do whatever it takes it help her. But,I really don't know what to do or even if she will want to change. I have to believe that if we do split up she will continue to drink the way she does. Is that worth losing her home a relationship. Anyway,if someone could let me know what my next step is that would be great.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 15
Your story is familiar to most of us. The alcohol changes their personality and you don't recognize them anymore. You actually start thinking you're the one who's crazy. Doesn't make much sense.
The only thing you have control over is your actions and reactions. You have to put the focus back on yourself and I know how difficult that is. You can't make her reach out for help but you can get help for yourself. Keep reading all the posts here and you'll start to get a feeling for what actions you may want to take.
Not very concrete advice but the best I can do right now. You're not alone. I'm sorry that you have to go through this too.
The only thing you have control over is your actions and reactions. You have to put the focus back on yourself and I know how difficult that is. You can't make her reach out for help but you can get help for yourself. Keep reading all the posts here and you'll start to get a feeling for what actions you may want to take.
Not very concrete advice but the best I can do right now. You're not alone. I'm sorry that you have to go through this too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: St. Louis Park, Minnesota
Posts: 6
I can't give you any advise but I am in the same boat! My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. The last 2 years we have lived together and have had a happy loving relationship! The last 4 months or more I don't even know anymore have been another life! I am just comming to realize how bad it really is. I don't know if he is an alcoholic I took the AA questions of if you are an alcoholic and they would clasify him as one)but his father is and he from the start has had alcoholic behaviors without drinking - so I can't say the scare wasn't there. If he is arould guys that drink he can't say no and thinks he can just have one but he has lots drives home in his new Chev Tahoe which is in my name and if I talk or cry or show any feeling he gets mean - throws things and say's horriable things to me - I am scared of him when he is like that! I know that it is not him in a way but it does hurt so so bad. He almost lost his job Jan1 2006 because he smelled like alcohol. I just don't understand how if you love someone how he can do this to me. When he is sober he cries to me because he is hurting me so bad but it does not stop. I feel like I'm losing him for a liquid and it is embarrassing to me and makes me at time feel stupid and out od control. I'm nervious for every new day to come and I cn't live like this. If you get any good help - please share. Like you I venting ang rambling!
Thanks,
Laura
Thanks,
Laura
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
I find it hard that when she does say some of the bad things that she doesnt mean them? I have to tell myself that she really isnt in control of what comes out of her mouth. I how would she feel if I said them to her???
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