Ohhh, XOXOXO, I know exactly what you mean. I just left my AH 12/14/05, and find myself thinking of him all the time. I know I'm now doing a "number" on myself with this, but I love this man with all of my being. I haven't forgotten the horrible things that happened when we were together, including when he turned on my 80 yr old Mom with no provocation whatsoever. This happened on a weeklong vacation in Fl where he stayed drunk from the moment we got on the plane, till the time we got back home; my poor Mom had only said that she'd like to see the finale of Frazier and so would like to have dinner a half hour earlier. He tore into her like a madman, right up in her face, and screamed every vile obscenity you can imagine. She was shaking so bad that I was afraid she might have a heart attack, and felt like I was going to as well. He finally turned away from her, went to the bedroom still cursing, and I followed. I told him that when we got home I was going to find a place to live and divorce him. Of course, I was talking to a blown-away drunk so it made no difference. When we got home, and for the next 2 months, he made it a point to tell me many, many times how "I" had ruined his entire vacation. Most every nite for the past 3 yrs of our marriage has been like this, including making scenes at our dear neighbor's home, in restaurants, etc. I have felt like dying a thousand times. After that "vacation", I did begin my search for an apt. and signed a lease. Even through this time, he has told me that he doesn't want a divorce, but continued to "kill" me with words and deeds every day. I decided that no matter how much I love him, I could not be taken down with him any longer; I wanted a sane and healthy life again; I wanted to see my friends again, and I wanted to feel safe. From his viewpoint, in many discussions, it has always been everyone else's fault, never his.
So here's what I did, and I recommend it to you; I have the Alcoholics Anonymous book and have read it from cover to cover. I decided that every household should have this book whether they have problems or not, and should put the steps to use in their own lives. I tried the first steps and asked that my anger towards my husband be removed; the next day it was gone. In it's place I now have compassion and hope for him to find his own way. Make no mistake, I still love this man, but I know that I am not the one that can "fix" him, only another alcoholic can do that with AA. Now I'm looking forward to going to Al-Anon regularly and becoming a helping hand for others that are in our boat. Read the book. It will change your life---guaranteed. Best to all of us We're never alone
