Thanks Doug for helping me to take an honest look at how my role can and does effect all of my communication with my AH. I have been all of those things. Even though my AH has been sober since Dec (after recieving his fourth DWI) he continues to talk to me in the same ways he has in the 11 years we have been together. After trying to make me feel inferior about the way I grocery shop and then threatening to leave me because I "am not a good wife" I calmly told him that if that is what he needed to do, it was fine and I would try to find an apartment while he was out.
Oddly enough he stopped screaming, did not call a cab (because he can't drive) and has been quietly reading a book in the other room for some time.
The sad thing is that I know I can not bluff with this. I finally understand that the only thing that will remotly give us a chance is for him to understand I will not allow him to use me as an excuse or an enabler in an addiction he has battled since before we met.
I am new to this sight. It has been a great relief to discover that I am not the only one who feels so confused, hurt, frustrated and love but just can not give up on my AH.
Thank You all for your honesty.