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There are many ways to enable an alcoholic

Old 10-03-2005, 06:37 PM
  # 101 (permalink)  
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Help...I am new to this forum and miserable as don't know who to talk to....I have been with a man for 3 years who drinks a half a bottle or more a night of vodka to end his day. He functions during the day at his job as he starts at 3pm and can sleep all morning. He is very intelligent, smart, charming and my best friend before he drinks but after drinking he can turn into someone I don't know and would never want to know....he is in denial...I don't know what to do...I am about the only person he has in his life to help him as he has shut everyone else out. I am afraid if he shuts me out he will be alone and then what????? Please advise....
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Old 10-03-2005, 07:00 PM
  # 102 (permalink)  
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Hi 4626

Welcome to SR, so sorry you are going through this. Please read all the 'stickies' here, they have lots of insight into this disease.
It would be a good idea for you to start a new thread on this forum as you will get more replies that way.
Click on the 'New Thread' button at the top of the thread list and introduce yourself to everyone.
4626 you are not alone now.
Take care
Susane
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Old 10-10-2005, 09:52 AM
  # 103 (permalink)  
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I am the Rescuer

I still enable my wife even though we are separated.

I still want to rescue her, even after all that has happened, all she has done....the affair, the DWI, the lies....I still love her and I do not want to see her die.

But only she can save herself, I just want to help her get on her feet and live again.....
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Old 10-19-2005, 04:45 AM
  # 104 (permalink)  
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wow, definatly the rescuer... everyone in my family took on a different role
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Old 10-19-2005, 04:48 AM
  # 105 (permalink)  
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i was definatly 1 but so many times i wanted to sceam at her.. but i was scared i would make it worse...
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Old 10-25-2005, 04:43 PM
  # 106 (permalink)  
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I have a friend who is a Alcoholic

Hi, I met a Man three yrs ago, and knew he was a very angry man, when i met him. I thought he had been hurt really bad by a divorce. But as i got to know him, i watched his drinking, he has a problem, hes a closet drinker, he goes to work, but doesn't do much else, because it cuts into his drinking time. i mean he does his work around house, or what ever needs to be done, and then he drinks, one right after the other.i know now, after ready about the enablers. evne though we don't live together, and i do not plan on living with him, because of his drinking. But i am the one who always travels to his house, he never comes here, and there have been times he would call and asl me to pick up beer. I don't say anything about his drinking anymore, its his life, once in a while he will bring it up and want to do something about it.. but then in the next sentence, he'll say i'l never quit totaly drinking.. so i go to visit him on saturdays. and sometimes feel like his therapist.and if he starts being a jerk,I just get up and leave. plain and simple, then he will call a few days later, and say do you hate me?? I say NO, but you hurt my feelings, so i left. he used to get rough with me, and i told him i didn't like it, and wasn't coming back unless it stopped. well it stopped, and some mean things hes said, have stopped, cause he knows i'll just go away.but if i lived with him, then it may all come back, then have no where to go. I understand, the part when you don't say anything, and let them deal with there own pain, and then they have nothing to get defensive about. But i do care about this Man, as a friend, because it seems to me that it will never get further than that because i won't let it.but on the same note... I can't move on and meet someone else, because of the chance he might want to change on his own. so my question is this.... How do i stay in his life as a friend, but yet move on, and try to meet someone else, I was married to an acoholic, for a short time, but left after a short time, realizing my kids would have a better life with one parent, who didn't drink . and my daughter thanked me for not drinking, because, she has friends that have had some pretty messed up lifes. My oldest daughter was killed at age 13 in a auto accident. my youngest is now 19, and since then, have had two realtionships, that did not invole drinking,and now that i am in the dating scene again, that all i seem to meet, and can't go futher with them for that reason. i need to feel safe and secure in a relatioship, and will just live alone, til i fins that someone, but this guy i know now... just has so much hurt, and i think he trusts me now, and i don't want to walk away from him... yet i can't live with him. its been three years... what do i do. thanks for reading
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Old 10-25-2005, 04:45 PM
  # 107 (permalink)  
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not sure how this works

How do i start a New thread?? if anyone can help
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Old 10-25-2005, 04:54 PM
  # 108 (permalink)  
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...aysprune=&f=24

Hi there Bubblegum, click on this link here and then on the New Thread button at the top of the list of threads.
Welcome to SR
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Old 10-25-2005, 10:19 PM
  # 109 (permalink)  
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As most of you are aware, ah has quit drinking and has been talking openly with me for awhile now. After having lived apart 1 1/2 years and learning to communicate better (though of course we still haven't gotten that down perfectly, lol), I thought I'd read the story in the original post (about the alcoholic being too drunk to let himself in the door) and I then asked him how he thought I'd react to that situation. He said I'd leave him out in the yard now. But clarified that I wouldn't have a few years ago. (And I agree! Progress for me!) Then...I read him the 3 descriptions of the enablers that is posted and asked him how he saw me. He said, that at first I was the martyr, then I became the rescuer, and that now he'd see more as the provoker. I said, "You see me as the provoker now?" and he said yes. Hmm.....I told him that in Nov. 2004, I had responded to this post and that at the time, I saw myself as the martyr. (We split up in March of 2004)
So anyways, I thought that was interesting. And I believe that ah is kind of correct about what he says about me now being the provoker. (Though not currently drinking and us still not living apart, I do bring up the past quite often, do have bouts of anger, etc) so I think I need to focus on that. Apparently I'm still reacting to something that is over with - and I need to realize that and let it lie in the past I guess.
Just thought this was quite thought-provoking so thought I'd share.
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Old 10-29-2005, 08:51 PM
  # 110 (permalink)  
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I am beside myself ...

My husband had a liver transplant four months ago and tonight I caught him drinking from a bottle of vodka. I was hysterical and confronted him, he didn't see me when I saw him take the drink. He denied it, I opened up the cabinet where he put the bottle and held it up and asked him "what is this then"? I am beside myself with hurt and anger, how could he do this, he has received such a precious gift and we have been through so much with this transplant. I feel so betrayed.. he's in such a stupor right now, that he can't even argue with me. He is asleep right now and I just can't think of what to do next. I threatened to tell his family and his doctor if he doesn't agree to get help. He says he doesn't need AA, but it's obvious he does. He is an alcoholic and he needs to face it.

I went straight to the computer and looked for a chat forum and this is the first one I saw, I have never participated in anything like this.
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Old 11-04-2005, 02:35 AM
  # 111 (permalink)  
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I think the reason we need a higher power for this "disease" is because it cloaks a more formidable foe then any of us have the strength by ourselves to do battle with. I keep my sanity by reading God's word everyday, it gives me enough strength to make it to tomorrow, instead of focusing on him, me, and all the problems that just keep reinventing themselves.

I've learned that alcohol is a diversion, it is constantly throwing up new obstacles that demand time and energy, it thrives on pain, it is the keeper of obsession, it draws one further and further away from reality and deeper into the pits of depression, God's word does the opposite, it draws you away from yourself, away from your pain, and gives you a reason for seeking a better meaning to your life. It rumages around in your heart and finds joy in the mundane.

The first time I went to al anon they said my husband was killing himself and he was going to die, I thought they were terribly rude and never went back, but they were right, he is killing himself, he is dying, unless there's a miracle in his life I am watching him unravel day by day. I don't know what's harder knowing that he choose this path to follow, or watching as each day takes another piece of him away without him even knowing, anymore. What I do know is that when the bad times come, don't hesitate to call on God, he'll be your provider, your friend, your comforter, in any situation. I am saying this because I constantly found myself alone, I needed friends, I needed support, I needed validation,I needed to know that I wasn't alone, but I wasn't in a situation where these were easily assessable, thats when I started reading the bible and thats when I started gaining the ability to deal with my situation in a much better way.
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Old 11-06-2005, 05:36 PM
  # 112 (permalink)  
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I am the #2. I have three little boys, 4, 2 & 3 mos. Everyday my husband leaves for work I wonder if he will come home and if he does what shape he will be in... he usually passes out somewhere between the side door and the living room. When the kids wake up they play on top of him, it takes about 30 minutes of their "wrestling with Daddy" before he wakes up.

Sometimes, he calls home drunk and sorry that he has missed all the buses and trains home. And, sometimes I wish that it was the police calling to tell me that he is dead instead of him calling to say he is sorry. And then sometimes he just doesn't call at all, for days.

I want off this rollercoaster and I don't know where to start.
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Old 11-06-2005, 05:50 PM
  # 113 (permalink)  
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Help

I am the #2. I have three little boys, 4, 2 & 3 mos. Everyday my husband leaves for work I wonder if he will come home and if he does what shape he will be in... he usually passes out somewhere between the side door and the living room. When the kids wake up they play on top of him, it takes about 30 minutes of their "wrestling with Daddy" before he wakes up.

Sometimes, he calls home drunk and sorry that he has missed all the buses and trains home. And, sometimes I wish that it was the police calling to tell me that he is dead instead of him calling to say he is sorry. And then sometimes he just doesn't call at all, for days.

I want off this rollercoaster and I don't know where to start.
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Old 11-10-2005, 07:53 PM
  # 114 (permalink)  
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Totally without feelings

Hi this is the first time I have ever done this. I'm not one for chat rooms but I'm really feel that my feelings are gone. My husband is the drunk. He works every day he is supposed to but that's it. I have severe rheumatoid arthritis and the past 22 months have had 9 surgeries, been stuck in a wheechair on and off. Packed off to my parents so they could take care of me. The last time I was at my parents was for six weeks. well he came to se me once. When I first realized he was an alcoholic I thougt he drank because of my health problems. When I finally realized as I looked back at our dating relationship I knew that he had the problem then but I had never been around anyone that had a drinking problem so I was pretty nieve (sp). I have gone to al-anon but didn't like it because at the time I wanted answeres as to how to get him to stop. We've been married for 24 years and dated for 5 years. Long time. His parents were to have a mini intervention with him about 10 years ago so I left for the day and when I finally came home I was scared to death as to what to expect. Well he was sitting in his recliner drinking away like nothing happend. Well the next day my in-laws told me they couldn't come because all they saw him was that he had a drink in his hand. Needless to say I lost a lot of respect for them and they know not to ask any questions of me about their son. Laat week-end was my mothers 76th birthday and he wouldn't come to here house cause he had to see his fantasy football crap. I'm extremely hurt and probably making no sense at all. My 21 yr old son avoids being at home because of his father. I need some good people to talk to and some good reading material. So I'm waiting for you suggestions.

Thanks
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Old 11-10-2005, 08:44 PM
  # 115 (permalink)  
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Hi Wojette:

Welcome to SoberRecovery. You're among friends. Why don't you start a new thread? That way more folks will notice your thread. We often don't look for new posts at the "Stickies" at the top of the forum, since we've all read them.

Jill
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Old 11-14-2005, 09:24 AM
  # 116 (permalink)  
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wow....thanks for the information. I fall into the martyr category, but I recently asked my husband to leave. He has been gone for three weeks, never to admit that he has a problem with alcohol. It's always been other people with the problems. Though my life is so much more peaceful, and I have the mental freedom to raise my children without the distractions, I am often trying to gain more of an understaning of the stronghold that grips the mind of an alcoholic and causes him/her to risk losing everything they say is important to them. I was at the end of my rope, going to alanon and counseling by myself. I had to break the cycle of this madness. There was also a dual addiciton of online cyber sex. So, to say the least, my own person well being took precedence over crossing my fingers, praying, and trying to get him to see he needs help
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Old 11-14-2005, 05:51 PM
  # 117 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR, ms. cee!

You are cordially invited to start your own thread here and introduce yourself so we can get to know you a bit. It's always nice to meet another person on the path to recovery from the family disease of alcoholism!

Peace!
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Old 11-17-2005, 10:49 AM
  # 118 (permalink)  
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Arrow here's the bad news...

Originally Posted by boilerchic32
i'm a newbie....i'm definitely a #1...my boyfriend is an alcoholic, and i need to figure out a way to find him help...but he won't listen to me! thanks for the advice guys, hopefully i'll figure something out!
Unfortunately, if you do "find him help", he has to be the one to want it. It's really something only he can do for himself.
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Old 12-06-2005, 07:30 PM
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Newcomer...

I am a newcomer to the whole program and still in the dark about the whole thing. How do you stop loving for someone you care about? How do you stop caring for someone you love? How do you "do" detachment?
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Old 12-06-2005, 07:43 PM
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Hi Roo:

I'm afraid folks won't see your post here. Why don't you start a new thread. Just click on the button "New Thread."

Welcome.
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