There are many ways to enable an alcoholic
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
My dry, stbxABF made a lot of very poor choices in relationships of the past. He never took responsibility for his part in, nor made peace with himself about them. All women were "c***s" (tho I made him stop using that descriptor) and if he heard a woman complain of being treated poorly by her man (including me when I spoke of my horrid, physically violent ex-h), "she deserved it" or he was a "smart guy" for being so mean to or inconsiderate of her.
My stbx got irrationally upset when I complained of feeling smothered and expressed my wish to do some of my own things occasionally. Real risque stuff like go to church, dance class or Al-Anon. He seemed convinced that anywhere I went without him or his vigilance meant that I was fooling around on him. He laid up in the guest bedroom that last night and I came home all alone, didn't do anything but put away groceries, settle in for bed and text with him (not knowing he was across the hall). He still got up the next day convinced that I had been out whoring around instead of attending Al-Anon. At that point, it was crystal clear to me that he didn't know who I am and never had. He was stuck somewhere I don't know and have never been, fighting w/the ghosts of "c***s" past that he'd never put to rest. Those who can't move past their "s/he did this to me" mentality about their ex's aren't proper or worthy relationship material.
My stbx got irrationally upset when I complained of feeling smothered and expressed my wish to do some of my own things occasionally. Real risque stuff like go to church, dance class or Al-Anon. He seemed convinced that anywhere I went without him or his vigilance meant that I was fooling around on him. He laid up in the guest bedroom that last night and I came home all alone, didn't do anything but put away groceries, settle in for bed and text with him (not knowing he was across the hall). He still got up the next day convinced that I had been out whoring around instead of attending Al-Anon. At that point, it was crystal clear to me that he didn't know who I am and never had. He was stuck somewhere I don't know and have never been, fighting w/the ghosts of "c***s" past that he'd never put to rest. Those who can't move past their "s/he did this to me" mentality about their ex's aren't proper or worthy relationship material.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass 
Alucard--ok, you are going forward with your divorce...good.
But that doesn't mean that you have nothing to work out with how you got re-involved with her in the first place.
Alanon shifts the focus onto ourselves for that reason. We all need to look at what part we played, and how to better our own lives. That's what this forum is for; not simply for ranting about the alcoholic in anger.
But that doesn't mean that you have nothing to work out with how you got re-involved with her in the first place.
Alanon shifts the focus onto ourselves for that reason. We all need to look at what part we played, and how to better our own lives. That's what this forum is for; not simply for ranting about the alcoholic in anger.
Al Anon is not pro active enough for me. The focus is on myself. "Ranting about the drunk in anger" That is strictly subjective. One thing is for sure. No compassion for it exists, and for some reason that bothers many, who need to follow their Al Anon philosophies and shift the focus on themselves.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
"Exit the drunk. Enter, peacefulness, normality and serenity once again."
Alucard, if this is true why are you here?
When posters indicate you sound angry or bitter, your response seems wonderment on why we want you to have compassion for your X. That is a bit of a leap of what was said.....not a true connection of the dots.
If you are angry we want you to address that anger in order to be truly serene and not repeat unhealthy behaviours (not merely avoid drunks in the future). We are talking about YOU, not your X, not your compassion for your X.
Lots find Alanon helps, if you don't - great, but why beat up on it?
Wishing you well.
Alucard, if this is true why are you here?
When posters indicate you sound angry or bitter, your response seems wonderment on why we want you to have compassion for your X. That is a bit of a leap of what was said.....not a true connection of the dots.
If you are angry we want you to address that anger in order to be truly serene and not repeat unhealthy behaviours (not merely avoid drunks in the future). We are talking about YOU, not your X, not your compassion for your X.
Lots find Alanon helps, if you don't - great, but why beat up on it?
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by wellnowwhat
"Exit the drunk. Enter, peacefulness, normality and serenity once again."
Alucard, if this is true why are you here?
When posters indicate you sound angry or bitter, your response seems wonderment on why we want you to have compassion for your X. That is a bit of a leap of what was said.....not a true connection of the dots.
If you are angry we want you to address that anger in order to be truly serene and not repeat unhealthy behaviours (not merely avoid drunks in the future). We are talking about YOU, not your X, not your compassion for your X.
Lots find Alanon helps, if you don't - great, but why beat up on it?
Wishing you well.
Alucard, if this is true why are you here?
When posters indicate you sound angry or bitter, your response seems wonderment on why we want you to have compassion for your X. That is a bit of a leap of what was said.....not a true connection of the dots.
If you are angry we want you to address that anger in order to be truly serene and not repeat unhealthy behaviours (not merely avoid drunks in the future). We are talking about YOU, not your X, not your compassion for your X.
Lots find Alanon helps, if you don't - great, but why beat up on it?
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
To me, no elephant=no chains. My life was serene and peaceful and normal before the drunk was invited in. Then, the drunk came in. The serenity, peacefulness and normality was replaced with stress, anxiety, tension and surrealness. Then the drunk was unceremoniously, coldly and callously told where to go and how fast. Exit the drunk. Enter, peacefulness, normality and serenity once again.
I think maybe the reality is -- you didn't stay in the relationship long enough to develop the dysfunctional and unhealthy coping mechanisms that many of us did who, for whatever reason, stayed.
And if that's the case, that's just a good thing, Alucard!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
No really. Why are you here?
This is an Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information forum.
It doesn't sound like you need either.
This is an Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information forum.
It doesn't sound like you need either.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by lillamy
That's fantastic. And I don't remember how long you were together -- but that may be part of the explanation. Most people, when suddenly faced with the antics of an actively abusing addict, react like you. That's a normal response. When somebody comes in and messes up your life -- you kick them out.
I think maybe the reality is -- you didn't stay in the relationship long enough to develop the dysfunctional and unhealthy coping mechanisms that many of us did who, for whatever reason, stayed.
And if that's the case, that's just a good thing, Alucard!
I think maybe the reality is -- you didn't stay in the relationship long enough to develop the dysfunctional and unhealthy coping mechanisms that many of us did who, for whatever reason, stayed.
And if that's the case, that's just a good thing, Alucard!
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I first came here because I was trying to fix my alcoholic mother and deal with my sober, alcoholic father. Because of SR I learned I couldn't save her. I needed to focus on me.
After taking that suggestion, I realized and admitted I am also an alcoholic.
So why am I hear? To seek help and information and support.
Are you seeking help or information?
After taking that suggestion, I realized and admitted I am also an alcoholic.
So why am I hear? To seek help and information and support.
Are you seeking help or information?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
I first came here because I was trying to fix my alcoholic mother and deal with my sober, alcoholic father. Because of SR I learned I couldn't save her. I needed to focus on me.
After taking that suggestion, I realized and admitted I am also an alcoholic.
So why am I hear? To seek help and information and support.
Are you seeking help or information?
After taking that suggestion, I realized and admitted I am also an alcoholic.
So why am I hear? To seek help and information and support.
Are you seeking help or information?
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I don't think it's your lack of compassion ..... for me, it's the anger that shows through in your words. Do you have a right to be angry? Of course you do .... but know that you don't have to stay angry. Anger can eat ya alive!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sad to hear that you have no compassion for "the drunk" as you call your stbxaw, Alucard. Because that really means you have no compassion for yourself either (sobriety date October 2010), and that is sad. Very, very sad.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
That makes sense Hydrogirl, and explains the minimizations, denials, blameshifting, and a lot of other ism's.
I want to also thank the Moderators/Administrators for the "Ignore" feature at SR. I plan to use it, effective immediately. The beautiful part is I won't have to read the nasty reply that gets posted later today.
Instructions on how to activate the Ignore feature:
click onto the screen name of the person you wish to ignore
a drop down menu of 6 items appears
the last item on the menu is "Add this person to Ignore List"
I want to also thank the Moderators/Administrators for the "Ignore" feature at SR. I plan to use it, effective immediately. The beautiful part is I won't have to read the nasty reply that gets posted later today.
Instructions on how to activate the Ignore feature:
click onto the screen name of the person you wish to ignore
a drop down menu of 6 items appears
the last item on the menu is "Add this person to Ignore List"
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Wow, I didn't realize that a simple explanation of Al-Anon would get so heated.
I know for me I had to realize that I was angry and the anger was hurting me more than it did anyone else before I could start working on it. I was also angry at Al-Anon the first time I went because it didn't help me solve what I thought was my problem at the time, my wife's drinking and pills.
I had suffer more until I realized my real problem was me, not her.
Suffering instructs or it brings more suffering.
Your friend,
I know for me I had to realize that I was angry and the anger was hurting me more than it did anyone else before I could start working on it. I was also angry at Al-Anon the first time I went because it didn't help me solve what I thought was my problem at the time, my wife's drinking and pills.
I had suffer more until I realized my real problem was me, not her.
Suffering instructs or it brings more suffering.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I have no problem with feeling no compassion for an addict who made your life hell. I do feel compassion for addicts in a general sense -- I still have friends who are fighting that life-long fight of recovery and who sometimes take a relapse -- but I do willingly admit that compassion is much harder for me to come by when it comes to AXH. I know his life is hell. I know addiction is a disease. I still think at times that it's a hell he had the opportunity to escape and chose not to, even when it hurt his family, and chose not to again when he allowed himself to relapse after having been sober for almost four months.
I've said before that I think anger is healthy, as long as you don't let it consume you.
Someone makes your life hell, of course you're going to be angry. I think in a way that's a much healthier reaction than feeling guilty for leaving them which I did at first. And I think maybe it's easier for me because my Al-Anon group isn't a very serene group -- we have people venting their anger at almost every meeting I've been at!
I was also angry. I was frightened, and anger helped me deal with my fear. I think maybe as codependents, anger is a feeling we have a difficult time accepting in ourselves, often because we've been exposed to the ugliest effects of it in the addict.
For me -- and again, I'm not saying this is true for anyone but me -- being angry was helpful. And it has taken me two years to go from being frightened/angry/anxious over and over to being calm. To thanking God that AXH is so far out on the fringe of my existence that I don't have to think about him anymore. But being angry was healthy for me. It was an expression of the truth that someone had done something to me that was unacceptable. Being angry meant that I recognized this fact, and recognized my value as an independent human being, worthy of respect.
These days, I'm only angry when I think of the past. Which I don't do all that often. OR when AXH mistreats the kids. That awakens the mamabear inside me.
But allowing myself to feel the anger, and to learn to express it (in acceptable ways) has been part of my recovery -- something I would not want to be without.
I've said before that I think anger is healthy, as long as you don't let it consume you.
Someone makes your life hell, of course you're going to be angry. I think in a way that's a much healthier reaction than feeling guilty for leaving them which I did at first. And I think maybe it's easier for me because my Al-Anon group isn't a very serene group -- we have people venting their anger at almost every meeting I've been at!
I was also angry. I was frightened, and anger helped me deal with my fear. I think maybe as codependents, anger is a feeling we have a difficult time accepting in ourselves, often because we've been exposed to the ugliest effects of it in the addict.
For me -- and again, I'm not saying this is true for anyone but me -- being angry was helpful. And it has taken me two years to go from being frightened/angry/anxious over and over to being calm. To thanking God that AXH is so far out on the fringe of my existence that I don't have to think about him anymore. But being angry was healthy for me. It was an expression of the truth that someone had done something to me that was unacceptable. Being angry meant that I recognized this fact, and recognized my value as an independent human being, worthy of respect.
These days, I'm only angry when I think of the past. Which I don't do all that often. OR when AXH mistreats the kids. That awakens the mamabear inside me.
But allowing myself to feel the anger, and to learn to express it (in acceptable ways) has been part of my recovery -- something I would not want to be without.
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