Not All Bad
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Sunshinegirl,
When my STBAXH threatened to make our children parentless - I went to the police and he was arrested. My good friend waited there for me and after I filed my report...she questioned me about what had been going on...how long had he been so controlling and scary.
I minimized his actions out of habit as I told her about different instances and events.
She said something to me that I will never forget. She said, "Honey, your barometer is off...you have lost the sense to know when his treatment of you has crossed the line."
Thinking of you sitting in that sweltering home....that statement from my friend came to mind again. His treatment of you has resulted in your sense of self and sense of what is okay and not okay being completely thrown off.
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
I'm glad you are taking the steps you need to. But don't wait too long. You will have the courage when you need it, you will....just as dandylion said.
We are rooting for you.
Hugs and strength
MamaKit
When my STBAXH threatened to make our children parentless - I went to the police and he was arrested. My good friend waited there for me and after I filed my report...she questioned me about what had been going on...how long had he been so controlling and scary.
I minimized his actions out of habit as I told her about different instances and events.
She said something to me that I will never forget. She said, "Honey, your barometer is off...you have lost the sense to know when his treatment of you has crossed the line."
Thinking of you sitting in that sweltering home....that statement from my friend came to mind again. His treatment of you has resulted in your sense of self and sense of what is okay and not okay being completely thrown off.
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
I'm glad you are taking the steps you need to. But don't wait too long. You will have the courage when you need it, you will....just as dandylion said.
We are rooting for you.
Hugs and strength
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Thank you. I've been outside as it's cooler there than in the house. I guess I have lost my barometer along the way. I have my appointment tomorrow, I'll tell my therapist everything and I'll check back in with you. Thanks for caring.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Dear ClearLight, yes it is hard to understand for those who have not walked in their shoes.
Just think what would happen if this guy tried this with one of his guy friends. They would break his face.
There are so many guys out there and it SO much easier for women to get guys than the other way around.
If you dump this loser-freak there will be a line of guys, much better guys, waiting to get to know you.
Sunshine - you deserve better. Scrape this turd off the bottom of your shoe and move on. You'll be so much happier.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 62
Sunshinegirl,
Please empower yourself ! This in not Ok! I also have witnessed the progression of this disease. I had a similar event happen last year but instead of the heat, it was the cold and my STBAEH refused to let me close the windows because he like it cold. Keep in mind I had just finished a round of radiation and this drunk a&$ wanted to keep the windows open on a fifty degree night . There comes a point where you have to stand up for yourself. I called the police and told them it was time they got to know me. It takes courage but at some point I had to say enough! Please you deserve better and only you know your AH and what he might do. Please be safe but please scream ENOUGH.....I'm not taking this anymore. Stay safe and we're with you in spirit.
Please empower yourself ! This in not Ok! I also have witnessed the progression of this disease. I had a similar event happen last year but instead of the heat, it was the cold and my STBAEH refused to let me close the windows because he like it cold. Keep in mind I had just finished a round of radiation and this drunk a&$ wanted to keep the windows open on a fifty degree night . There comes a point where you have to stand up for yourself. I called the police and told them it was time they got to know me. It takes courage but at some point I had to say enough! Please you deserve better and only you know your AH and what he might do. Please be safe but please scream ENOUGH.....I'm not taking this anymore. Stay safe and we're with you in spirit.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Thank you GrammyB. I'm so sorry your STBAEH was so cruel to you especially when you were sick. I'm glad you said enough. Clearight, it's complicated. I support us and I have barely enough to keep one household going let alone two when I get my own place so I know he'll have financial woes and I still have feelings for him. Also, he's not all bad and when we are having a good day, I keep remembering the good times. Sunday all day he was an angel but then that night he was back to saying we are moving and selling the house and that's the way it is and nothing I say matters. He told me I'd either get on board with his plan and things would be easy or else. It's this constant controlling despite the good times that is helping push me to leave. I've also just started to lately realize that abuse isn't limited to physical actions and has to do with verbal as well. Thank you again for all the strength you give me.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
He told me I'd either get on board with his plan and things would be easy or else.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html
I'm so glad you are contacting your local DV shelter. They will know best how to advise you. It's good to be prepared--to have a plan when leaving someone who is controlling and abusive. There is also some great information about making a plan here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Sending prayers and good thoughts. Stay safe!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Sunnshinegirl, I agree with hydrogirl, abuse tends to go in a cycle. An angry, abusive
alcoholic can change from one mood to another in a flash. This is the reason to have an emergency plan--for when you need it.
It is so easy to relax and rationalize that "maybe it's not so bad" or "maybe he is changing"
when the atmosphere is less turbulent. This kind of reasoning often keeps a person in a situation longer than is wise.
Stay on your path--you are responsible for taking care of yourself, in the end.
dandylion
alcoholic can change from one mood to another in a flash. This is the reason to have an emergency plan--for when you need it.
It is so easy to relax and rationalize that "maybe it's not so bad" or "maybe he is changing"
when the atmosphere is less turbulent. This kind of reasoning often keeps a person in a situation longer than is wise.
Stay on your path--you are responsible for taking care of yourself, in the end.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Thanks Dandylion. He's moping around now doing the poor me routine, everything goes wrong for me and instead of feeling aggravated by it, I feel responsible and then think oh, no what am I doing to him by leaving. That's definitely my problem I know but it tugs at my heart strings. But then I try to ask anything and he says whatever and walks away so he won't even let me in to his life. Crazy making so I'm trying to stay focused.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by sunnshinegirl 
Thanks Dandylion. He's moping around now doing the poor me routine, everything goes wrong for me and instead of feeling aggravated by it, I feel responsible and then think oh, no what am I doing to him by leaving. That's definitely my problem I know but it tugs at my heart strings. But then I try to ask anything and he says whatever and walks away so he won't even let me in to his life. Crazy making so I'm trying to stay focused.
.p.s.- as a man, I have to agree with ClearLight some as well. This guy understands that you aren't going to confront him directly because he's probably bigger, stronger, etc., and that gives him power which helps his control. Also as a man, it really makes me want to take him out behind the woodshed myself...I'm not a big fan of controlling/abusive men. Sorry...I digress...been an emotional day
.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
sunshinegirl, I understand where you coming from I was in an abusive marriage for 39 yrs. He kept me in fear staying with him and trying to leave him as well. The last abuse I went to the police and that opened up the dirty little secrets for my whole family and friends to know but it was the most freeing experience seeing fear didn't have a hold on me any longer. You know how hostages fall in love with their captor well that scenario isn't that far from our lives. Please don't be a hostage, seek help, there must be a DV center where you live.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sunshine, when you said "sunday he was an angel" what did that really LOOK like? I just wonder that as things have continued to get worse, if your idea of "good or better" is really just bare minimum acceptable? like you have to keep lowering the bar?
since you are the only income earner, you have much more "power" at your disposal than his mind control assault allows you to believe. in other threads you said he spends money like crazy...you have control over that. you have the freedom and financial means to leave at any time.
however I would caution that you do so with care. he sounds like a ticking time bomb. have the plan in place first, have a secure safe place to go, have all your things in order. you really need to get out of there and away from him. when they have us shut in a house with doors and windows ordered to be shut and stay shut and it's 90 degrees it IS that bad. the fact that he took the garbage out the other day does not balance the scales. you're like the frog cooking in the pot...you don't notice how hot it's getting til ya start to cook!
you are NOT responsible for him. he's a full grown adult. whatever he thinks, feels or chooses to do, HE OWNS. over the time you two have been together, your presence alone has not been the magic balm to make everything with him ok. cuz it doesn't work like that. you are responsible for YOU. and it's time to take the responsibility seriously!!!
since you are the only income earner, you have much more "power" at your disposal than his mind control assault allows you to believe. in other threads you said he spends money like crazy...you have control over that. you have the freedom and financial means to leave at any time.
however I would caution that you do so with care. he sounds like a ticking time bomb. have the plan in place first, have a secure safe place to go, have all your things in order. you really need to get out of there and away from him. when they have us shut in a house with doors and windows ordered to be shut and stay shut and it's 90 degrees it IS that bad. the fact that he took the garbage out the other day does not balance the scales. you're like the frog cooking in the pot...you don't notice how hot it's getting til ya start to cook!
you are NOT responsible for him. he's a full grown adult. whatever he thinks, feels or chooses to do, HE OWNS. over the time you two have been together, your presence alone has not been the magic balm to make everything with him ok. cuz it doesn't work like that. you are responsible for YOU. and it's time to take the responsibility seriously!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Dbaguy, he does know I won't confront him. It's not my nature coming from an abusive home to begin with, I always shy away from anger and conflict. That is a huge part of my problem. I thought I could keep managing somehow but as Anvilhead said I posted about how much money he spends and I'm going broke trying to keep up with his spending habits that keep escalating. My attorney has given me steps to protect myself financially and I have done those so that's progress and she stands ready to deliver the news I'm gone when I leave so I've been proactive in that way. I'm going out with my friend tomorrow to look at apartments and rooms I think I can afford and I'm going to visualize myself in a different environment and keep pushing myself to act. Anvilhead, that was helpful to me to ask what does an angel look like because really he did chores for me willingly and without any complaint and that's what it looked like. And I'm trying to get it through my thick head I'm not responsible for him because it sure feels as though I am. Somewhere along the way I lost me but I'm every day taking another step forward. Thanks everyone so much for your encouragement. All of your posts have been so helpful to me and I thank you. I reread them when I'm filled with self doubt.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sunnshinegirl, how you are feeling is very typical for victims of an abusive, exploitative relationship--such as you have been living in for a long time. It distorts your reality and makes you doubt yourself---fills you with self doubt and feelings that you may be responsible. This is why you must continue to take steps and stay focused--good that you are reading these posts over and over. Good that you have done some pro-active steps already. Hon, can you get away from the house and call the DV center? They will make this so much easier you. Just talk to them in complete confidence. They are not going to pressure you in any way--they are very experienced with this and they will work with you.
You have all of the strength you need inside yourself. When you need it, it will appear.
Trust in the others who have been through this themselves.
Also, detach from him when he is talking--remembering that he is coming from an alcoholically warped mind. Doing chores does not make him an angel--he owes you that. You supported him. Actually, I have known several Bas****s who were very conscientious about doing chores!!! Do you believe doing chores entitles anyone to be abusive or to treat someone else "less than"?
sunnshine, you can come out of this. Please reach out and take the hands of those who want to help--arrange to make that call.
very sincerely, dandylion
You have all of the strength you need inside yourself. When you need it, it will appear.
Trust in the others who have been through this themselves.
Also, detach from him when he is talking--remembering that he is coming from an alcoholically warped mind. Doing chores does not make him an angel--he owes you that. You supported him. Actually, I have known several Bas****s who were very conscientious about doing chores!!! Do you believe doing chores entitles anyone to be abusive or to treat someone else "less than"?
sunnshine, you can come out of this. Please reach out and take the hands of those who want to help--arrange to make that call.
very sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
Clearight, it's complicated. I support us...
Sunday all day he was an angel but then that night he was back to saying we are moving and selling the house and that's the way it is and nothing I say matters.
And you put up with that? Why hasn't your therapist told you how crazy that is? You're not crazy but your behavior has been crazy. In my opinion you need a new therapist.
This guy is no angel because he does some chores and occasionally doesn't act like a complete piece of sh*t. He's got to do chores - you're supporting this guy.
Here's an option: contact a real estate professional and sell your part of the house. I know it can be done in California. If he threatens you or gives you any guff sell it to the meanest gang-bangers you can find. Let him try his crap living with those folks.
It's great to hear you're looking for a new place and you've made plans with an attorney. THAT'S smart. That's good stuff. Cut him off without a penny.
Kick this turd to the curb. Let him live where he belongs - in the gutter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Clearlight, yes, he's telling me I have to get with the program for moving or else. And my job and source of income is here and not in the state where he wants to move and I'm almost at retirement age so not easy to find new work and I don't want to and the simple fact is I know in my heart I'm not moving. There is no way he'll talk me into leaving here. He keeps telling me about this glorious life we'll have in this other state and how everything will be and it will be better and I know it won't be. I can't say much because when the alcohol is talking, there's no point. Dandylion, you are correct - I feel self doubt but I'm getting stronger for sure and being more proactive. As always, there are no adequate words to say thank you to you all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Just want to say I woke up to another morning of ranting and raving about things in the world and something inside me just snapped. I can't take it any more. I reread all your posts and then I made a call to our local DV support services. Felt like I was a traitor for revealing secrets but I'm going in to see them today and then off for apartment/room hunting with my friend. For anyone out there reading this thread and trying to find the strength to change your life, I hope these responses have helped. No one should have to live with an angry A controlling your life.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Oh Sunshinegirl,
You are doing the right thing. I know that feeling of betrayal you have ....most of us have felt it I am sure. I get it. But know this.... it is not a betrayal to take care of yourself.
You've done one of the most difficult things already. You now know that you do have the strength to keep moving in this direction. I believe in you.
Your posts and your story are helping people. What will help others even more is, when sometime in the near future, you post and let us know how well you are doing in this new chapter of your life.
Keep us updated on how things are going.
Sending hugs and support,
MamaKit
You are doing the right thing. I know that feeling of betrayal you have ....most of us have felt it I am sure. I get it. But know this.... it is not a betrayal to take care of yourself.
You've done one of the most difficult things already. You now know that you do have the strength to keep moving in this direction. I believe in you.
Your posts and your story are helping people. What will help others even more is, when sometime in the near future, you post and let us know how well you are doing in this new chapter of your life.
Keep us updated on how things are going.
Sending hugs and support,
MamaKit
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