sunnshinegirl

I'm sitting here in a sweltering house because I'm not allowed to open the windows or have an air conditioner. He checks the windows routinely to make sure I haven't opened any because outside noise bothers him and he's always cold as well even though it's 90 outside. Sweat is pouring from me and yet I sit here thinking about the good times and the fact that it's not always terrible. My AH will actually do some things for me and help me with chores and when he does, I start to focus on what was good.

Why is it always taking one step forward and two back? Just part of what happens to us who are co dependent?

dandylion

Dear sunnshinegirl---It is hard for me to read your post. You are being abused--physically abused (whether you realize it or not).

This man is acting as your jailor. I believe you have become so normalized to this that you are living on "crumbs".

You do not have to live this way!!!!! No one deserves to live this way.

There is help-----

Please let us help you. HOW can we help you?

very concerned,
dandylion

lillamy

What happened to me was that as I lost myself and my will and ability to stand up for what was me and what I wanted, the marriage I was in went from being an alcoholic marriage to an abusive one.

Yours has crossed that line as well, it sounds like.

There comes a time when it's about your safety. It doesn't not sound to me like you are safe with this person.

Katiekate

If you are sitting in 90 degrees , and you can't open a window, or put on an air conditioner, it's bad, really bad.

And he is a mess, a huge mess, so deep in his disease he can't even see you.

LeSigh

My Stbxah had similar feelings but it was to do with overlooking and thinking people were watching him. He insisted on blinds down at all times. Wouldn't come into a room if the curtains were open. Would freak out and basically hide out in the bathroom for extended periods till the blinds were eventually shut and I backed down. All my plants died for lack of light. It was so depressing.

At his worst, he was signed off with severe depression (though with hindsight, I think drinking was his problem, not the depression.. Chicken/egg).. Anyway, he was off work for 3 months, and for a lot of that time, he wouldn't leave the house till it was dark,. I wound myself in knots trying to coax, accommodate, sympathise etc.

But eventually I just couldn't live with it anymore, and the choice to stay was more painful than the choice to go.

I looked at myself, and the situation, and thought, if this is it, is it enough for me? The answer to that was clear. I now realise that you can't live the days of your live on the hope for tomorrow, on the potential you see in someone, or waiting for their words to become actions.. One day at a time, and now I have my life back..

Sending you hugs and strength, you'll know when you are ready to make the changes, and when you're ready you'll know what you need too..

What you're experiencing is not fair, nor is it love.

X

Jazzman

Not all bad? Not much good if you ask me.

Life is too short. You're missing out on so much.

laurie6781

I would suggest that you your local Domestic Violence Center and get some advice from the, They have all sorts of help of available for both physical and mental/emoitonal abusees.

They can help you get out of there and most likely help you get a place of your own.

In the meantime, how about making a PRO/CON list of your life there. Take an 8 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle of it the long way. Then you can list on one side the 'Pros' of staying there and on the other side the 'Cons' of staying there. It can be a great help in you making a decision.

Love and hugs,

sunnshinegirl

Thank you one and all. You help me because I don't feel so alone. I do have a therapist and he helps me too but it's a long journey for me. As many of us did, I grew up in a dysfunctional household so I'm more worried about hurting someone else's feelings than taking care of myself. I can take one crumb of niceness and blow it up into how can I do this to him by leaving. I've learned from the boards and I'm trying so very hard to take that final step and leave. I have made progress. And I'm going to continue to grow strong. I just want to say he was never like this or at least not to this extreme. It's only the past year or so he's become so controlling and I think I'm witnessing the progression of his alcoholism.

Mountainmanbob

dandylion

Dear sunshinegirl, it is obvious that you ARE minimizing his abuse--or you have grown so used to it, gradually, that it feels like normal to you. You have spoken, in many of your posts--quite candidly--about trying to "get the courage" to leave or exit the situation. You speak of the fear of being alone and guilt. These are common fears--but they can be overcome with support. SUPPORT.

Honey, when the seasoned members of this forum are begging you to get help---these are people to listen to--they are not alarmists, so when they talk, it is serious.
He , apparently has reached a serious stage of his disease--and, at this point, the deterioration can sometimes proceed very rapidly.

You need a plan for your sanity and safety. The first step would be to call and speak to a worker at the domestic abuse organization closest to your home. They will chat with you and walk you through everything. These people know what to ask and how to guide you. You are not obligated to do anything just because you called, nor, will they pressure you in any way. The good thing is that they have all the services that you might need at their fingertips.

I seriously, don't believe that you have the extended period of time to leizurely develope your courage--given his current behavior. If your therapist knew that you were virtually locked in a house without airconditioning and windows in 90 degree weather--I am sure that she would be equally concerned.

Also, this is not helping him!! To maintain the status-quo at this point just allows him to become sicker while your abuse continues the same. This is progressive and will not "just get better" on it's own. We want to give support and help, but you have to take certain steps that only you can take.

You will get through this with your support peeps!!!

dandylion

Justfor1

You can pass out from dehydration from the heat. He is being abusive in a very sick and strange way. The "outside noise" probably bothers him because he is hungover.

Mountainmanbob

sunnshinegirl

Thank you one and all. I have been going out to the car when I feel overheated and I sit in the a/c there and cool down. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I will tell him and we do have a domestic violence shelter in our city and I will call. I've always felt it's not domestic violence because he has never been physical at all with me. It's just verbal and he likes to control the environment and make the decisions. I'm definitely getting there. I've been putting away money from my paycheck, I've been checking ads for apartments and finally did call on about one (huge step for me) and I've been reading each and every post on here and I'm planning to get out by August at the latest and I have my therapist and you standing behind me to help me through this. This is a big change for me from this past fall when I wasn't even considering really ever leaving and was just trying to get some coping skills. I just don't want to portray him as all bad ever because he has a lot of good qualities and he's someone I care for deeply and he's changed as he's gotten older. If he would see a doctor or talk to his friends or just make one step to get help but he won't.

dandylion

Yes, It is a good idea to stay out of the house as much as possible today.

I am soo glad that you are willing to call the domestic violence number and speak to someone. It might be the best call you will ever make....
Also good--your other moves (putting away money, talking to lawyer, checking ads for apartments). There are lots of good informative websites describing domestic violence--just do a google search.

Please keep us up to date as to how you are doing. We all care about you.

Don't worry about talking "negative" about him. You are not hurting him--his disease is hurting him!! (and, you).

You can do this. When you need the courage--it arrives!!

dandylion

sunnshinegirl

Thank you Dandylion. I'm slowly but surely waking up and getting there. Thank you all for your help.

Katiekate

Keep us posted, okay???

ClearLight

As a guy I can tell you the the step you need to take is out the door and leave this loser behind.

I'll never understand why women put up with this kind of treatment.

laurie6781

(((((Sunshinegirl)))))

You are reaching the point very quickly of being in danger. Going to show my age here, but:

Danger Will Robinson, DANGER!

this is way past going for a walk to be away from him for a bit as one poster above suggested, and do not make your motivation that he 'might' miss you. Oh he will, what he will miss is having CONTROL of you, and he will fluctuate between being sweet and loving and being very mean and intimidating. That is not love. Love that 'hurts' is not love.

Being a sober alcoholic for many years now, and also in recovery from my codependency issues for many years, I am not 'crying wolf' I am seeing the progression, the escalation of his behavior that you, being right in the middle of, may not see. And no one, myself included is saying that this has to be for forever. You can make it a separation until and when he finds recovery and has been working a program of recovery for at least a year, shown by HIS ACTIONS not his words.

Please call the DV number NOW. They are open 24/7.

We are concerned for your safety.

Love and hugs,

dandylion

Dear ClearLight, yes it is hard to understand for those who have not walked in their shoes.

dandylion

wantabe

This was my idea also. Public libraries have always been a safe haven for me when the stresses of the world grow too great.