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it is so hard to deal with it

Old 02-04-2011, 04:40 PM
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it is so hard to deal with it

Hey all,
i read alot in this forum, and i think there are so good advises.
But sometimes it is so hard, to really do, what people say.

Shortly to my story. My boyfriend or what ever I should call him, is an Alcohilic.
When i first met him almost 2 years ago, he didn't know that he had a drinking problem. He is a soldier and we went alot out together. Sure we had a few beers, but not so many, that i would have thought he has a problem.

After a while i realized something is wrong with that man, and then the family told me. Well i didn't know much about Alcoholism at that time and ya sure i tried to help him. Well helping was all what i did. And i know it was not the riht help, i picked him up in the middle of the night, after a night out at the bar and so on. Well ya i even bought beer for him and so on. I know all of that was wrong, but it takes a while to understand that. The whole relationship is an up and down.

Anyways, after alot stress and searching for help for myself, i made some rules. No drinking in my appartment, no more picking him up, no more buying beer etc.

Well two month ago he went awol and was gone for a few days. Finally his family and I found out where he is. His family lifes around 1400 km form here so it is hard that they can help. So i went, picked him up. I brought him to the ER because he was sucidle. They keeped him for 2 weeks in psych there.
Then they said the military should take care of it. I did good for a few weeks, but the military didn't do anything. He lifes since then at my place and is off work, because of Depressions etc.
But then he started drinking again. Not in my apartment, but he goes out, spend all his money and then he comes home and expect me, that I am not mad with him. Well i told him, when he is drunk, he should maybe go back to base and sleep there, but he never does it. I was so close twice to through him out. But i can't. I think it would hurt me more then him.

I don't know how to do it right anymore, he went to detox 2 weeks ago, and the first thing after detox, was drinking. I wonder why he goes. He said he knows he has a problem, he was a few years sober already, but then he relapsed and he always says he likes the pain. He wants to go to rehab but on his own time. I shouldn't pressure him into it.

Honestly, i really love him, he is a good guy and a happy drunk. He is not getting abusiv or so. Well he gets depressed sometimes, when he drinks, and then he feels bad, that he did go drinking. Next day same thing. That goes that long, til all the money is gone and then he has usally to wait til the next payday.

I lost over all that, already a few friends. Because they all tell me, he is bad, he is not good for me, and ya is just a bad person. Well i don't think so he is sick. Anyways some of my friends want not even talk to me no more.

I don't want to give up on him, but i also don't know what i should do or think.
I am stressed out, can't sleep, got depressions and everything.
My birthmother was an alcoholic too, maybe thats why i try so hard.
But i have the feeling nobody really understands me.

Oh welll/////

Sandra
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Old 02-04-2011, 04:54 PM
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I don't want to give up on him, but i also don't know what i should do or think.
I am stressed out, can't sleep, got depressions and everything.
My birthmother was an alcoholic too, maybe thats why i try so hard.
But i have the feeling nobody really understands me.
You have come to the right place sprman.
Everyone here understands you and what you are going thru.
Since your mother was an alcoholic, it could be what you are used to.

My father was an alcoholic, he died from cirrhosis of the liver.
Your boyfriend needs help, I was in the military and went to rehab (not just detox) when I was on active duty.

There are three C's you should remember.
you did not cause his alcoholism.
you cannot control his alcoholism, and
you cannot cure his alcoholism.

He must have professional help and he has to want the help to get well.
Can you find some help for yourself?
It is extremely stressful, and yes, depressing to live like you are.
How about AlAnon meetings? Or a counselor?

I hope you can find a little peace in your life soon.

Beth
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Old 02-04-2011, 10:30 PM
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Hi Sprman24 to SR. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope that you will take some time to read the stickies that can be found at the top of this forum. Also, have you ever heard of AlAnon? AlAnon is a support group for the friends and family of, or anyone else affected by, an alcoholic. It sounds like you would benefit from going to AlAnon.

It is difficult when someone who lives with us is a problem drinker and refuses to get help or help himself. Do you know what you want from this relationship with this person?
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:28 AM
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Unhappy

thanks for those two answers.
Ya he might go to rehab, from the military, but I think he is scared that they kick him out after he comes back. I really thought the military has more help for problems like that.
And i wonder how much a rehab would help. Detox was just the first step, but like i said, the first thing he did after Detox, was going to a bar and drink.
So if he goes to rehab, who says, not the same is happening again.
About Alanon, ya i know i could go, but i have a lot of work and stress and I might be just to shy to go.
Sure i need help with it, i know. Its hard because so many friends turn away from me. Its like i would be the alcoholic, tough love....
What i want from that relationship? Well i want that man back i met in the first place. I love him and he is a good guy.
Im so glad that i got some answers back here. Nice that people take the time to write me.
And sorry, when my English is not the best, its my second language

Thanks u!
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:15 AM
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Well i have one more question: When i read to alot of threads here, the most people seem to leave their friends, BF, husbands, wife,...etc.
My BF wants to get help, at least that what he said. He went to Detox, all by himself, i mean he aranged everything with out my help. Which is great, so i thought.
When i talked to him the last time, why he went to detox and why he wants to go to rehab, i really couldn't answer. He says always, I know i have a problem with drinking, but I want to do it in my timeframe. I want to quit, when I am ready to do so and not because, u or my family tells me to.
What should i think about it? Does he means that. Is his havey drinking after detox, just the last time for him to enjoy it and then get help? If i would leave him, would it help him? Does it not hurt me more, to let him go? Questions over questions and no answer, what to do.

In front of my friends, i feel like I am dumm. Everytime again I have to tell them, wow he is doing something against drinking and then wum, he starts again. I make a fool out of myself. HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP ! What should i tell him. Which rules can i give, that he understands, I am there for him, but he can't use me.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:30 AM
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Originally Posted by sprman24 View Post
Well i have one more question: When i read to alot of threads here, the most people seem to leave their friends, BF, husbands, wife,...etc.
Welcome!!!


The fact of the matter is-and understand I'm not saying that this will be the case with your bf-is that most addicts/alcoholics do not recover.

So the choice for us is pretty easy-or should be-and we leave.

Of course, some us have a harder time with that decision.

Last thought, they aren't 'rules' they're called boundaries, and they're simply to protect ourselves.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:36 AM
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Well i want that man back i met in the first place. I love him and he is a good guy.
He is BOTH of the people you have known him to be. There is no one or the other.

And sorry, when my English is not the best, its my second language
No need to say you're sorry. It is just fine.

I'm glad you are getting something out of SR. Please make sure to read other threads. It can be very helpful to do so.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by sprman24 View Post
Well i have one more question: When i read to alot of threads here, the most people seem to leave their friends, BF, husbands, wife,...etc.
My BF wants to get help, at least that what he said. He went to Detox, all by himself, i mean he aranged everything with out my help. Which is great, so i thought.
When i talked to him the last time, why he went to detox and why he wants to go to rehab, i really couldn't answer. He says always, I know i have a problem with drinking, but I want to do it in my timeframe. I want to quit, when I am ready to do so and not because, u or my family tells me to.
What should i think about it? Does he means that. Is his havey drinking after detox, just the last time for him to enjoy it and then get help? If i would leave him, would it help him? Does it not hurt me more, to let him go? Questions over questions and no answer, what to do.

In front of my friends, i feel like I am dumm. Everytime again I have to tell them, wow he is doing something against drinking and then wum, he starts again. I make a fool out of myself. HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP ! What should i tell him. Which rules can i give, that he understands, I am there for him, but he can't use me.
Sprman,

Your questions are good ones and people who come to SR often describe what you are describing and pose the same questions.

Having had the same questions you have, it has been very helpful to me to learn about the disease of alcoholism. It has also helped me to focus and work on myself, and better understand the role I choose to play in relationships with alcoholics.
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Old 02-05-2011, 10:45 AM
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And sorry, when my English is not the best, its my second language

Your English is fine sprman. I would not be able to express myself like you have in another language.

Is he in the US Military? They will treat him, I was treated inpatient for six weeks. He can be discharged if he gets the treatment and then goes back to drinking.
Well, that is what was going on when I went to treatment. Either you got with the program, which was abstinence, or you got out of the Army.

I want to quit, when I am ready to do so and not because, u or my family tells me to.
This is true, he will not quit until he is ready.
Anything you say or do, or anything his family says or does will probably not have much effect. The best you can do is nothing.
Give him nothing, do not speak to him, do not let him live with you, do not drive him anywhere, and especially do not give him money.
You have no control here, alcohol is controlling him, and an alcoholic is making you miserable.

Beth
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Old 02-05-2011, 11:10 AM
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Oh thank u so much for those replays. And thanks for the compliment on my English.
Well he is in the Canadian Army. Say said, they can send him to rehab if he wants to, but it would take a month to get a place for him in a treatment center.
One of u guys, said, do not talk to him, don't let him live with u etc.
Hmmmm,...how should i not talk to him. He is my Boyfriend and not live with me, ya well thats the hard part. It means leave him, break up with him. But what would that benefit. I just don't understand, why everybody thinks the best is to leave him. Ya it is hard on me, when he comes home drunk, but we have good times when he is sober. Everybody already kinda left him. His family just talks to him when he is sober, but mostly they don't talk to him at all.
His friends, are all in the Army and all of them are drinking. not saying they all have a problem with drinking. I think and that even says his family, that I am the only one in his life right now. Everything else is already broken, he is seperated from his Ex-wife, his Kids, don't know him really. He has no chance to see him, because they life so far away and if he could take a fly back home for a few days, he spends the money on both.

I think he really wants to quit, he knows he has a problem, but on the other hand, he can drown all his fears and all his problems into both.
Then he says stuff, like to kill himself etc. So I am scared, that he does, when i leave him. If he would have many friends, they are there for him, ya it would be easy to leave him, no not really. But it would give me a better feeling. When i would leave, i don't know what he is doing then. I feel sorry and bad for his situation and i want so bad to help him, even when I know i can't. I was always a little fighter and i have a hard time to give up and then telling my friends, there where right in the first place, because thats all what they say/ Leave him/ Leave him, leave him. Is there nothing else what i can do?????
I read alot of threads here and i miss storyes, were a relationship lasted, the alcoholic got sober, and they are happy now. argggghhhhh. Its so complicated.

I just could cry! Giving up on somebody, i love and leaving him alone in his illness, would break my heart.
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Old 02-05-2011, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by sprman24 View Post
I just don't understand, why everybody thinks the best is to leave him.

I just could cry! Giving up on somebody, i love and leaving him alone in his illness, would break my heart.
It's just our collective experience.

There is nothing we can do about the choice another person makes, all we can do is protect ourselves and our loved ones.

No one is suggesting you abandon hope, what you will probably hear repeatedly is that you can't build a life on hope.

Ask yourself, if nothing changes for him, would you still want to be involved with him six months from now?

A year from now?

Four years from now?

If nothing changes for him, your lives together aren't going to get better, it will get a lot worse.
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Old 02-05-2011, 12:41 PM
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What kind of Alcoholic was your A?

My bad...was supposed to be a new thread
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Old 02-05-2011, 01:32 PM
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Well no, i don't wanna spend my whole life with somebody who is activly an Alcoholic. I mean honestly no.
The question is just, when it is time to give up, when is it time to leave him.
I know i can not spend my whole life hoping, but right now i have some hope because he tried to get help. I mean he is that kinda Alcoholic, who at least knows that he is, and who wants to quit, but can't do it right now for some reason. Talking doesn't help, that what everybody says. But then i think, i watched some intervention shows on tv, and hey listen, they are talking to the addict and some really get sober.
I mean, i read a lot about Alcoholism, and to really understand what addicts go through, u have to be one, i guess. But why is everybody saying that there is no help. When they go to rehab, they have alot of groups and talking, so why is it imposible to get him to rehab, by telling him. Arggghhh,...i get now totally confused and lost.
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:13 PM
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sprman-I too have a hard time with all the folks who tell us to get out of the relationship. I keep thinking that if alcoholism is a disease I promised to be there "in sickness and in health". However, what I have had to come to realize is that if I decide to stay, I will always be an alcoholic's wife. He may never get sober, he may have relapses after relapses. Is that the life I want for me. I think it is good advise to think about your life 5, 10 years in the future. Will you be angry that your life is no better or worse than it is now? Al Anon has been very helpful to me. It helped me stop worrying so much about him. Also, when you are talking to people in the meetings no one thinks you are a fool because we have all done that-believed every thing our alcoholic said, picked them up in the middle of the night, bailed them out of jail, cleaned up vomit and urine...things our friends and family will never understand. It is important that you think about yourself and how to take care of you. I know it is hard.
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Old 02-05-2011, 02:49 PM
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jamaicamecrazy- wow that is the first time ever, somebody said something like that to me. Uhhh and it feels good. Thats the same what i always say. In that moment, i know he is sick, i made a dicisson to stay and to deal with it, not knowing how hard it can be. A lot of things, i am not doing anymore. Like picking him up in the middle of the night, giving him money, etc. Believe in his lies, well ...sometime it still happends. But i don't believe everything what he says. Ya i choose to be there for him, because i really think the same, if u call A a disease, why do i have to run away. If he would have cancer, i wouldn't leave him, either. Taking more care of myself, ya that is something i wanna do, but i have a hard time with it. I sit sometimes at home waiting for him, because i am worried something is happening. I don't go out as much as i did before.

I told the last time a friend of mine, when he went the first time to detox, i didn't drink a drop for almost 2 month. I usally don't drink anyways, but now and then with friends a beer. Not anymore with him. I had to laugh, because i quit, and he is still doing the same, but sure i don't have a problem with drinking anyways. But i was not even thinking about it.

He said to me at that time, when he didn't drink for almost 2 month. He thinks everyday about drinking and it is so hard not to.

but hey, nice that i know somebody else thinks the same way like i do.
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Old 02-05-2011, 03:42 PM
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hi sprman and welcome to the forum.

sounds to me like
you're about to begin a self - discovery phase of life
that could change everything for you.

welcome.
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:36 PM
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Thanks and what would u think, would change?
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Old 02-05-2011, 06:59 PM
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Welcome. And you have a tough choice ahead of you.

The 100's of years of collective wisdom on this forum suggests your BF will most likely not recover. He certainly won't do it on his own. And you won't be able to make him do anything.

I am very familiar with the military and their programs. As long he seeks help BEFORE there is a problem, like a DUI or work related issues, then he will face no consequences with the military. If he has a DUI or other alcohol related event, they will send him to rehab, and then discharge him most likely. There are some exceptions for very young soldiers. After a second or 3rd tour, he will be discharged.

If you read through the posts, you will see a re-occurring message from me.

Leave him now. Move on and find a man with no alcohol issues. If you choose to stay, he most likely will not stop drinking. Will definitely spend a lot of your combined income on alcohol. And if he stays in the military, it will eventually catch up. Even without an official "incident" in his record, his poor performance after drinking will eventually catch up to him and others will advance over him. I see it every day.

You were not put on this earth to "fix" alcoholics. They can't be fixed. They are broken. They prey on nice, kind, loving people like you. And in the end, they make both your lives miserable. Just read about them here. Find me one post where any of us left an alcoholic and wished they did not.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:26 AM
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ya i understand that. But why is everybody telling me, i have to give up on him, why dp people say most likely no recovery? I mean out there a hundrets of Alcoholics, they made it. I mean if u had a problem, would u like it, that everybody turns the back on u?
I understand those tough love thing, but i don't get why i should leave a realtionship, and look for somebody else. Should i not at least give him the chance to go the rehab and see what happends after.
And with the military, well i don't think they would kick him out right away. He is really functionl drunk. Never is to late, goes to work and does a good job. But the last 2 month, were ruff, because the doctor took him off work, for Depression. So i hope they don't kick him out.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:43 AM
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On the day I left my abf, after months of drinking and sneaking and lying about it, he said that he would stop drinking if I stayed. I said the only way I would stay was if he went right then to the emergency room, and checked himself into a program. He said no. So I left. And it broke my heart, but staying would not have helped either of us.

One year later, after being on my own, without him, he is sober and working a strong program of recovery. He loves me, and I love him. I have worked on my own well being, and have found a peace I have never known before.

One day at a time, we are starting our relationship over, slowly. I believe it can work. I believe there are happy endings. But you have to start somewhere...and I believe you have to start with what is good for you.

My happiness no longer depends on his sobriety. It depends on me and my own recovery from the effects of living with an active alcoholic. And neither of us will ever be "done". Recovery is for the rest of your life, everyday.
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