it is so hard to deal with it

Old 02-07-2011, 06:15 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Sprman24 and welcome to SR,

I continue to live with my active AH of 22 yrs. We met at 15yrs old - 30 yrs ago. We have a life together, two daughters and many happy memories that it is difficult for me to let that go.

I too have struggled with people on SR who say to leave the alcoholic, as I choose to stay. An awful lot of Al-anon literature talks about staying with the alcoholic but learning to detach and to live with the disease whilst making sure that you try to lead a healthy life for yourself. Sometimes SR reply's are more focused on leaving the alcoholic and if you are one of those who choose to stay this is hard to accept.

Unfortunately no two cases are the same. Some alcoholics are much worse than others. Some wives/husbands are easy going, some are fraught and unable to cope. Some leave due to abuse/violence, both verbal and physical. We have many on SR who have had to leave their alcoholics due to the simple fact that they realise that their partners wouldn't provide a healthy relationship even if they were sober.

I choose to stay but find it very difficult even though my AH isn't that bad (whatever that is). He works hard, long hours, does a lot around the house, cooks and cleans but drinks everyday and falls asleep very early in the evening. I sit on my own most evenings. I have attended AL-anon, psychotherapy, counseling and suffer from debilitating stress and anxiety. I have had a couple of uncontrollable rages too in the past few months that have left me feeling mentally drained and have just been prescribed mild depression medication.

Staying with an alcoholic is not easy and many reading what I have just written would say 'why are you still with him' and they would be justified, dont you think?

Many who say to leave on SR are coming from the standpoint that you could save yourself many years of pain. They also know how much happier they feel now that they are no longer living with active alcoholism.

Of course it is your choice to stay or leave, as it is mine and no one on SR can make that decision for you. Keep reading, keep posting, go to an AL-anon meeting, read 'Co-Dependency No More' as suggested, the more you learn and know about the disease, the easier it will be to make the right decision for you based on your needs and wants.
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zrx1200R (02-07-2011)
Old 02-07-2011, 06:33 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I understand those tough love thing, but i don't get why i should leave a relationship, and look for somebody else.
I read a book recently where the author married an alcoholic. She talked about having to have the courage to leave him to allow him to get better. That struck a cord with me, how brave she was to allow him the dignity of finding sobriety for himself. (maybe tough love) She was one of the lucky ones because he did seek sobriety and they were eventually reunited - a relatively happy ending but they are few and far between unfortunately.

I have left it far too late in my marriage to do that now. It is not an option for me because my AH of 22 yrs has already told me a number of times that he will continue to choose alcohol over me, reminds me that he can look after himself and will be happy on his own. It gives the old self-esteem a bit of a bashing!

By the way, I dont think that anyone is telling you to look for someone else they are just suggesting that you start taking your own feelings, wants and needs into consideration and leave your fully grown soldier MAN to work out where his own life is heading.
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seekingcalm (02-07-2011)
Old 02-07-2011, 07:37 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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the choice is yours. I advocate leaving before the relationship becomes long term. Like 8 ball, I too stay with an active alcoholic as we have been together for so long, and have children. I have thought about leaving more times than I can count.

I really think it is better to leave them early before you get too involved. you can not understand from the words we use how difficult life is living with an alcoholic. you have no concept of how much your life will change and how it will effect your children. then, 20 years later you look back and then you understand.

And, leaving him now may be the very best thing for him. if he understands he lost you due to his drinking, he may fix it now.
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seekingcalm (02-07-2011)
Old 02-07-2011, 10:29 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Welcome to SR.

Originally Posted by sprman24 View Post
ya i understand that. But why is everybody telling me, i have to give up on him,...
Because you have a chance to make a better life for yourself. Many of us had alkie partners as boyfriends/girlfriends and unfortunately chose to do what you're thinking about doing. Years later, some of us have mortgages, children, bankruptcies, violence, suicides, deaths and ongoing mental problems of our own. All this because we stuck around and waiting on an alkie.. For me, this is a very serious topic and it's incredibly hard to say what I'm about to say. I have a wonderful son with my AW but if you wind back the clock, I would have left her immediately. I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I turned my back on my AW years ago, my son would not be here. Then again, there would be no son who would have to grow up in a household with an alkie. His mom. In many ways I feel extreme guilt for bringing a child into this environment and under the conditions found in my home. So this is why many people have 20/20 vision and are suggesting that for the better, you leave him now before you get in too deep. It's gnarly business and it brings everyone down.

Originally Posted by sprman24 View Post
why dp people say most likely no recovery? I mean out there a hundrets of Alcoholics, they made it. I mean if u had a problem, would u like it, that everybody turns the back on u?
All I can say here is that the closest person in my life, my AW, turned her back on me. I do have a problem and it's because of someone's alcohol addiction. Right now, the only person who can solve my problem is me.

Originally Posted by sprman24 View Post
I understand those tough love thing, but i don't get why i should leave a realtionship, and look for somebody else. Should i not at least give him the chance to go the rehab and see what happends after.
Nothing wrong with waiting to see what happens. Then again, re-read what I wrote about my son and consider your options. The difference will come when you start learning to make things happen for yourself instead of waiting to see what the alkie does. It's a completely different mindset and it's not easy. Leaving a relationship with an alkie but worried about finding someone else makes me assume that you need to learn a bit more about yourself. Keep reading and you'll find stories of people who got away and found out they really love themselves and their lives are far better for it.

Originally Posted by sprman24 View Post
And with the military, well i don't think they would kick him out right away. He is really functionl drunk. Never is to late, goes to work and does a good job. But the last 2 month, were ruff, because the doctor took him off work, for Depression. So i hope they don't kick him out.
The term functional drunk has been discussed here at length. In the end, it's still Drunk. What is functional? Can he write his name drunk or can he do brain surgery drunk? It's very subjective and burns tons of energy debating it.

You'll have to work out many of these things on your own. I can only relate my own ideas and experiences. I wish you the best. Keep writing and keep reading other stories.

Finally, remember the 3 Cs.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
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