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So Lost... (this is a long one... sorry)

Old 04-15-2010, 10:20 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Amen, Sister! Yes, it is a long road, but a road worth taking. On this road you will learn that you, Misha, are more precious than gold, and anyone who doesn't get that can just get out of your way! You deserve to be treated lovingly and gently, and honored--and first you have to treat yourself that way.

You are not alone on this road, Misha, so many have come before, and many of us are on the same road with you. The destination is worth it, I'm told, and I believe it!

One foot in front of the other, praying for you tonight. You can do this--I can hear it in your post. Sleep well.
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Old 04-15-2010, 10:53 PM
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hi mischa-

i remember being so worn out and confused i couldn't even think straight anymore.

i'm here to share that it gets better. i understand that you are exhausted.

what helped me was to open my mouth and start talking about what was going on. tell the people that love you that you need help and then accept it.

be gentle with yourself. rest if you are tired. take a few vacation days if you can and perhaps go stay with someone who loves you. at my worst, i went and stayed with my mother for 5 weeks just to get my head on straight. i used that time to rest, post here, and put together a plan for my exit.

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Old 04-15-2010, 11:16 PM
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Originally Posted by NewChapter View Post

You are not alone on this road, Misha, so many have come before, and many of us are on the same road with you. The destination is worth it, I'm told, and I believe it!

One foot in front of the other, praying for you tonight. You can do this--I can hear it in your post. Sleep well.

I have never felt so alone until I found this site tonight and decided to get the courage to walk into Al Anon... I now know I am not alone and I am so grateful!

Thank you so much for the prayers! You are in mine as well! We all need them...
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Old 04-15-2010, 11:23 PM
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Originally Posted by naive View Post
hi mischa-

i remember being so worn out and confused i couldn't even think straight anymore.

i'm here to share that it gets better. i understand that you are exhausted.

what helped me was to open my mouth and start talking about what was going on. tell the people that love you that you need help and then accept it.

be gentle with yourself. rest if you are tired. take a few vacation days if you can and perhaps go stay with someone who loves you. at my worst, i went and stayed with my mother for 5 weeks just to get my head on straight. i used that time to rest, post here, and put together a plan for my exit.

naive
((HUGS)) I am SO exhausted, SO confused, I don't think straight, half of the time I don't even think my brain is functioning.

I have been subpoenaed to testify against him May 17th and then I booked a ticket to Vegas on May 31st (with the help of my awesome friends getting me a room and splitting the ticket...so grateful for them). I have NEVER made plans months in advance. Always worried about what was going to happen with me or him or money. Awww... Exhausting. I'm exhausted.

Thank you for your suggestions. I think I will start telling everyone I know and love about what is going on and stop lying about it. I think that may be my first step to recovery.

Sleep well!
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Old 04-15-2010, 11:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
Because you mentioned his threats to off himself:

9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."



I just keep reading this one over and over and over again... this is my life. Wow. Pretty sad huh?
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Old 04-16-2010, 05:25 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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You are not alone!

Most of us here lost ourselves in trying to rescue an alcoholic from their own consequences.

I had to accept the three C's of addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

Can you give yourself a goal today of No Contact with AF for 24 hours? No Contact means you are taking a time out from all forms of communication with the addicted person so that you can begin to focus on your own thoughts and needs. No phone calls, no e-mails or texts (delete them or have a friend read them), no facebook or other social networks, eliminate all forms of contact. In the event of an actual emergency, your AF can call 911 or his parents.
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Old 04-16-2010, 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
... I found this site tonight and decided to get the courage to walk into Al Anon...
YES! You have absolutely shown your inner courage - seeking help, listening to those who know your path, getting face to face support in place.

These are steps that will lead you to a life you didn't know you could have... it is waiting for you as you COURAGEOUSLY trod your journey! It takes a little faith to trod, but you will get there.

We are all given the gift of one lifespan...make the most of it.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:20 AM
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Just read through the thread, and went from "holy sh1t!" to "wow, good for her!"

I'm so glad you've started al-anon and are ready to take care of yourself. I would still recommend a restraining order, changing the locks, and changing your phone number. It's pretty much a certainty that he *will* try to contact you again. What are you going to do to protect yourself from that?
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:00 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hello everyone! TGIF!

Pelican - I am already on it. I have decided to set small goals for myself like that. The communication is the hardest part. I still have some of his things and his pet rabbit and stuff but I told myself last night - Who gives a sh*t!? Just because I have these things doesn't mean I NEED to talk to him. He can come, when he is ready, to my house with a police officer to get his things or he can come alone and then I call the cops. I have told him this already.

So after Al Anon last night I made a promise I would not respond to any of his texts. As soon as I got home, like clockwork, here the texts come. "Can you bring me guitar hero because I am bored" (really?!?!), "You are ignoring me now?". "Grow up, seriously?", "I won't feed into your game. Sorry.", "My phone is going off again" (this one irritates me because I NEVER just harass him but he somehow convinces himself it is all me - I won't let go). Finally they stopped about 10 pm or so when I did not respond but then they started again about 1 am: "I'm having a major panic attack.", "I really need to talk to you", "I need to breathe. Stay calm", "you awake" - then 3 phone calls and then one last message that says "I really need to talk to you and now you want to ignore me. I need comfort. Nice". Then it stopped. I woke up to one saying: "Life plain sucks".

I have not responded and I promised myself I would not. I am setting the goal of not responding to anything today and then I plan to set the goal the same for tomorrow and hopefully I will get to the point where I can set goals like "I won't respond for a week..."

As far as the locks - they don't need to be changed. I took the key from him the night he was acting all crazy without him knowing because I knew in my heart of hearts something bad was going to happen and I hid it. So I know he doesn't have a key. There is a restraining order.... I know, I know. I could call the cops on him for the messages and all of that but I just can't bring myself to do it but I WILL call them if he shows up to my house because that would bring fear which I don't handle well so I trust I will do that. Can't bring myself to change my number yet. But I am working to that goal as well.

I know it is going to take me time, baby steps, relapses, tears, guilt, anger, sadness but I also know I can do it and yes, I might make a mistake and respond, but then I start over right away.

My addiction is helping him and I really need to focus on making my addiction ME.

I'm fed up, I'm done and I am ready. And that is all I need to know right now and then I need to take it one day at a time. I will have troubles along the way, I know and I will come here and vent and get support I need and I will go to as many Al-Anon meetings as I can and when I am weak, I will find one instead of giving into my weaknesses. We have Al Anon meetings every night in different counties - I don't mind driving!

Thank you, thank you ALL for the words of encouragement and prayers. Deep down I know I can do this, I just know I can't do it alone any longer.
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:21 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Yes, you are moving ahead, taking care of you and your needs.

Sorry my dear, but I did have to laugh at those messages he left you, I mean who the heck is he kidding? He is bored....hey you, come here and bring me a game.

He's having a panic attack!!! So have it, and get it over and done with. Tell someone who cares.

Keep it up, nice and steady and you will make it to where he's not in your mind for days at a time, then one day you'll realise you haven't given him head space in months.

God bless
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:51 PM
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Geez, the nerve of him in those messages! "I need comfort. Nice." Are you effing kidding me? You expect someone who you choked and threw around to COMFORT YOU??? You expect someone whose dog you threatened to kill to COMFORT YOU??? Holy crap. I need a drink. (Kidding, obv.)
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:04 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Well, I am not completely innocent on the messages. I get to the point where I am sick of hearing it so I say something back, get defensive or give in. Or I would get to the point where in my head, I NEEDED to know he was ok, so I had to check by calling or messaging him. And the me, 3 weeks ago, probably would have gotten in my car, driven across town JUST to bring him his stupid game. And 3 weeks ago I would have called and tried to fix his panic attack but you know what? I had a horrible panic attack about 2 am Thursday morning and there was not one person there for me and I lived through it... he can too.

Thank you Anvil and Jadmack and LOL Wanting!
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:18 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Well, I am not completely innocent on the messages.
Hi and welcome. I hope you NEVER ever ever blame yourself for any of this. (I used to...)

We are humans. We respond imperfectly to imperfect situations. And we may even respond insanely to someone elses insanity.

I found that once i started making wise choices for myself based on reality, not emotion, I became I much healthier much happier much wholer (is that a word??) person.

Glad you found this site. :-) Keep posting and reading.
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:20 PM
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"I need comfort. Nice."
And I find this absolutely insulting, belittling and condescending. Go find your binkie if you need a little comfort~
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Old 04-16-2010, 03:07 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Thanks hello-kitty.

I do a lot of blaming myself - if i wouldn't have done this, then this wouldn't have happened. If I wouldn't have said this, then he would have never said that. If I never reacted in this way, then he would have never reacted in that way.

The hell and torture I have put MYself through for this man is ridiculous. And I am still doing it but the only difference is, this time I am ready to be done. I have reached that breaking point I so desperately needed to reach.

I pray and hope I remain in this state of mind!
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Old 04-16-2010, 04:20 PM
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Do you have a PLAN, if he shows up at your door and gets out of control?

(A plan is a discreet set of actions and things you may need - someone on call speed dial programmed into your phone in case you need, an alternate place to stay, an extra set of keys and cash - not just thoughts about it...)

And does he KNOW you have a restraining order?

CLMI
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Old 04-16-2010, 05:06 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
I feel really guilty because he has nothing and I do. He has no friends, no family, no job, no place to live..
Not true. Read what you wrote again.

He has a brother who helps him beat up a woman. He has a mother who bails him out of jail and gives him booze money. He has a father who pays his living expenses in a hotel. He has a storage locker full of things that he only has to go get.

That's more than a lot of people have.

Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
... he is going to show right back up at my place. I am SO scared of him drunk now that I will be forced to call the police and have him arrested again and that in itself is making me literally sick.
Jail's a good place for a man who vomits blood in the morning. They will sober him up, get him medical attention and give him time out to think about his behavior. The most loving thing you can do is to design your life so that all roads he takes to you actually do lead to jail or hospitals (leave to the experts to decide which is best).

Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
He has a hold on me and I can't break free.
No, he doesn't have a hold on you; you are desperately holding onto him. You can pretty much choose never to see him again, right now. You are waiting for him to 'set you free', and he never will. You have to let go; you have to set yourself free. If you can't do it for yourself, can you do it for your animals?

Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
I don't understand why he keeps going at the pace he is. He has flattened my tires, he has threatened to hurt my animals or himself and he tells me he drinks because it makes him numb.
He does it because he chooses this lifestyle more and fears changing. I saw a quote here somewhere recently: When the Titanic is sinking, don't grab onto the railing and scream, 'But WHY is the boat sinking! I need to know why!". Instead, GET INTO THE LIFEBOAT!

What good is all this guilt you feel? Who is is helping? Not him. You are no different from his mother who gives her son booze even though he throws up blood in the morning. She feels guilty because she was bad mother. She feels compassion because she was in his situation once.

Is she doing the right thing? No? But she's doing it out of compassion, love, understanding, and guilt.

Please call the local domestic shelter and ask for their advice and for a psychiatric referral to someone who understands the dynamics of enmeshed abusive relationships. You clearly should leave, but if you leave without understanding yourself (instead of understanding him), you'll just find someone like him to take over where he left off.
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Old 04-16-2010, 05:41 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
So after Al Anon last night I made a promise I would not respond to any of his texts. As soon as I got home, like clockwork, here the texts come....
I have not responded and I promised myself I would not. I am setting the goal of not responding to anything today and then I plan to set the goal the same for tomorrow and hopefully I will get to the point where I can set goals like "I won't respond for a week..." .
Don't respond. The first few days are the hardest. Then suddenly, something clicks, and the thought of responding makes you sick--and you can't bear the thought of responding. It's like smoking, the first 4 days are horrible. The next week is hard, and then it slowly gets better...and suddenly you notice, my god, life can be GOOD! I can breathe, everything smells so good! With no contact, you slowly realize sanity is coming back, you have more time, life is more productive...you lie in bed drifting off and feel a gurgle in your stomache and it's not hunger. It's happiness. :day6

Come here if you feel the need to respond. Respond to us. His texts are hilarious.

"Can you bring me guitar hero because I am bored" Poor wittle boo-boo, him is bored.
"You are ignoring me now?". Give a star to Sherlock Holmes!
"Grow up, seriously?" This is said by a full grown man without a job, clinging to his bottle, supported by mommy and daddy, seldom coherently, in need of his Guitar Hero? LOLOLOLOL :rotfxko
"I won't feed into your game. Sorry.", Wow, is that projection or what?
"My phone is going off again" (this one irritates me because I NEVER just harass him but he somehow convinces himself it is all me - I won't let go). Projection again; he's the one who doesn't want to let go. Your A isn't the only one who is convinced he's too good a deal to pass up. My XAH was convinced I was following him around even as he was violating the restraining order by pretending he needed to take his daughter to the bus stop (the only one of six in the neighborhood that violated the restraining order--oh, and his daughter wasn't even supposed to be going to that school, she was living out of district. Oh, and what's more, him leaving work every afternoon at 2 pm to pick her up from a bus stop she shouldn't have been at had quite a bit to do with him loosing his job). This man was absolutely convinced that I was desperate to get him back, or catch a glimpse of him or something, that I was stalking him, driving around the neighborhood looking for him (I knew where he was--at the bar, near my house, far from his house). Yeah, because he's so hot and desirable and so much fun to be with and such a great catch---NOT!


Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
Finally they stopped about 10 pm or so when I did not respond but then they started again about 1 am: "I'm having a major panic attack.", "I really need to talk to you", "I need to breathe. Stay calm", "you awake" - then 3 phone calls and then one last message that says "I really need to talk to you and now you want to ignore me. I need comfort. Nice". Then it stopped. I woke up to one saying: "Life plain sucks"..
Tell me, did you have a panic attack while he was choking you? Or while you were grovelling under the bed for safety? When his hands were pressed against your windpipe, did the thought, "I need to breathe" cross your mind?

It was my experience that living with an alcoholic sucked. Life is good. Addiction sucks bad.
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Old 04-16-2010, 05:55 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
Like I said, I am all over the place. I don't even remember driving to work half of the time. I wake up half way through the day trying to figure out how the hell I let all of this happen....
YOU didn't let all this happen.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You won't fix it.

You can fix your life. It sounds like you are starting.
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Old 04-16-2010, 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
I had a horrible panic attack about 2 am Thursday morning and there was not one person there for me and I lived through it... he can too.
You are so right. At the end of my marriage I started having panic attacks. Did I get comfort? No. I saw cruel satisfaction on his face. He liked it.

Just like he liked it when you were sobbing on the floor with a towel cleaning up the mess he made and he was strutting around telling you if you called the police he'd make it worth their while.

You think his cruelty is just a foreign byproduct of his drinking. But that's not true. It's a part of him. I know it's confusing because you only see it when he drinks, but he's not two people. He can help it, he just chooses not to when he drinks.
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