Hello everyone! TGIF!
Pelican - I am already on it. I have decided to set small goals for myself like that. The communication is the hardest part. I still have some of his things and his pet rabbit and stuff but I told myself last night - Who gives a sh*t!? Just because I have these things doesn't mean I NEED to talk to him. He can come, when he is ready, to my house with a police officer to get his things or he can come alone and then I call the cops. I have told him this already.
So after Al Anon last night I made a promise I would not respond to any of his texts. As soon as I got home, like clockwork, here the texts come. "Can you bring me guitar hero because I am bored" (really?!?!), "You are ignoring me now?". "Grow up, seriously?", "I won't feed into your game. Sorry.", "My phone is going off again" (this one irritates me because I NEVER just harass him but he somehow convinces himself it is all me - I won't let go). Finally they stopped about 10 pm or so when I did not respond but then they started again about 1 am: "I'm having a major panic attack.", "I really need to talk to you", "I need to breathe. Stay calm", "you awake" - then 3 phone calls and then one last message that says "I really need to talk to you and now you want to ignore me. I need comfort. Nice". Then it stopped. I woke up to one saying: "Life plain sucks".
I have not responded and I promised myself I would not. I am setting the goal of not responding to anything today and then I plan to set the goal the same for tomorrow and hopefully I will get to the point where I can set goals like "I won't respond for a week..."
As far as the locks - they don't need to be changed. I took the key from him the night he was acting all crazy without him knowing because I knew in my heart of hearts something bad was going to happen and I hid it. So I know he doesn't have a key. There is a restraining order.... I know, I know. I could call the cops on him for the messages and all of that but I just can't bring myself to do it but I WILL call them if he shows up to my house because that would bring fear which I don't handle well so I trust I will do that. Can't bring myself to change my number yet. But I am working to that goal as well.
I know it is going to take me time, baby steps, relapses, tears, guilt, anger, sadness but I also know I can do it and yes, I might make a mistake and respond, but then I start over right away.
My addiction is helping him and I really need to focus on making my addiction ME.
I'm fed up, I'm done and I am ready. And that is all I need to know right now and then I need to take it one day at a time. I will have troubles along the way, I know and I will come here and vent and get support I need and I will go to as many Al-Anon meetings as I can and when I am weak, I will find one instead of giving into my weaknesses. We have Al Anon meetings every night in different counties - I don't mind driving!
Thank you, thank you ALL for the words of encouragement and prayers. Deep down I know I can do this, I just know I can't do it alone any longer.