Well, I am not completely innocent on the messages.
Hi and welcome. I hope you NEVER ever ever blame yourself for any of this. (I used to...)
We are humans. We respond imperfectly to imperfect situations. And we may even respond insanely to someone elses insanity.
I found that once i started making wise choices for myself based on reality, not emotion, I became I much healthier much happier much wholer (is that a word??) person.
Glad you found this site. :-) Keep posting and reading.