So Lost... (this is a long one... sorry)
 

First of all, I want to say I am new here, very sensitive and having an issue I have no idea how to deal with. So, if you could, please try to be a little bit nicer as I am not doing well in my own head.
My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years was the most loving, caring man I could ever dream of. He was abused as a child, badly, by his alcoholic mother and his father sat around and watched it happen and sometimes would abuse him as well. Him and his brother now are both Alcoholics. His brother has 4 DV's against him not to mention DUI's, drug issues, etc. My BF had no priors, never fought with anybody really but I could tell he was getting more and more depressed. In January of 2009, he was in a motorcycle accident. This is when sh*t really hit the fan. He was out of work for 3 months and laid in bed unable to barely dress himself. He started getting to the liquor store and started drinking a 5th of vodka a day, sometimes more. I would come home and complain because he would be passed out with cigarette holes in the couch and on the bed. (This by the way is my house, I have been paying all the bills, etc.). So I did not allow his son to come over anymore because he would just get drunk in front of him and pass out and I would come home to an 11 year old trying to cook food and not doing a good job of it or trying to fend for himself and to me, that is not right either. He started to realize he needed to cut back - we were arguing and fighting everyday. But on March 15th, 2009 - him and his brother decided to hang out at my house. They proceeded to get trashed, with the 11 year old there, I was at a friends house. I came home and was not happy. Finally about 3 am, I asked him to go to bed because he was sitting on the couch going in and out of consciousness and had cigarettes lit. He got SO mad at me that he threw me on the couch, started to choke me. I repeatedly kicked him in the balls trying to get him off of me which made it worse because then he started to punch me in the chest (there had been no other signs of violence prior to this). Finally, I bit his pinky finger SO hard I could taste the blood and he released my neck and I pushed him off of me and ran to my room to grab my cell phone. He followed me and his bro got to the room first and threw my phone under the bed. Then my BF picked me up and slammed me against the wall and then tried to choke me again. I got away, crawled under the bed and dialed 911. As he was getting ready to run, he decided to break things on his way out. He was caught, bailed out the next day and things were bad... his family had me arrested for child abuse, the cops were at my house everyday because his mother kept telling them I was hiding him in my home, etc. (and she is the one who bailed him out). So long story short, we separated but continued to talk here and there. Things started getting really good with us. He plead guilty was apologetic, promised it would never happen again. We started seeing each other again and then a couple months ago he lost his job and I let him come stay with me but wouldn't let him move his things in. As far as I knew, he was doing good with the drinking going to his classes, so on and so forth. I had no idea how bad he was because I did not see him everyday. Then on March 15th, 2010 - I came home, he was drunk, we had been bickering all day and yet again, things hit the fan. He started to flood my kitchen with water and when I got pissed he put me in a choke hold and told me that if he got another DV because of me he would make it worth their wild and did I understand. I said yes and he let me go. I went to the closet to get towels to clean up the kitchen and he cornered me in there and told me that if I got on the phone for any reason he would make there be a reason for the police to come and I promised I would watch TV and not get on the phone. I went back to the kitchen and started cleaning things up trying not to cry. He then started screaming - OH POOR GIRL. SO SCARED OF ME. HOW SAD. I AM SUCH A BAD PERSON. IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LEFT ME ALONE NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A **** BITCH NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WOKEN ME UP, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. And then he got even more pissed and started throwing my dining room chairs against the balcony door and ripping down the curtains and I took off running out the front door - bare feet and all and called the police. He locked himself in my house and kept threatening to kill my dog. The police could not do anything so they told me to leave and issued a warrant for his arrest. I was a wreck. All I kept thinking was he was going to kill my dog. He finally left and the police found him the next day. He is out on bond and he keeps telling me he knows we are done and he is sorry for breaking my things and getting that way. I have known him for 14 years and been with him for 3. My friends think I am crazy because I love him so much and I am so worried about him but I know he can't come back. I have never felt so scared in my entire life - especially for my dog. But I am also really scared that I am not strong enough to not let him back because I know as soon as he realizes he is homeless and has nothing, he is going to try to come back. I love him and worry so much about him but I am being ridiculed for that. I just can't understand why I love him so much and why I still care and why I can't just say goodbye forever. I am so sad and so angry at him for doing this for me but yet so sad and so confused, UGH. It is making me feel crazy. Also, since he has been out, he has gone on several binges and has been threatening suicide, threatening to just end it all and he won't stop the drinking. There is a storage unit in my name that has all of his stuff that I can no longer afford (I have shelled out $4000 + trying to get him help. save his job, pay his bills, whatever in the last 6 months) and he refuses to clean it out but that is all he has left. I am struggling now to even make my own bills. When he is sober, he does really well. He is nice, he never even raises his voice to me - but, drunk, a whole different story. I don't know how to stop this cycle. He will be sober again, he will apologize, be nice and he will suck me into this AGAIN. I know it and I don't know how to stop. I have been to counseling, I have reached out for help but it is not working and I am so FED up. I feel really guilty because he has nothing and I do. He has no friends, no family, no job, no place to live... And yet, he is still figuring out ways to get drunk and tell me this is ALL my fault. He is drinking so much that he wakes up every morning and throws up - usually blood. He has 3 personalities when he is drunk too. He is turning into somebody I don't even know anymore. I have found him rehab, but he refuses to go - I was even willing to pay for it. I have done everything I can possibly do. I am just now realizing I can't force him - which I should have known but I have so many emotions in my mind right now I can't focus. All he does is text me when he is drunk. Begs me for things, tells me he is going to off himself and he is ready to meet his maker. His dad actually has been putting him up in a motel for the time being and apparently, mommy dearest keeps giving him money to get booze because she sees him sweating and going through the classic withdraw symptoms and she knows how it was since she used to be the same way. I know as soon as the motel runs out - which it eventually will - he will have absolutely no place to go and he is going to show right back up at my place. I am SO scared of him drunk now that I will be forced to call the police and have him arrested again and that in itself is making me literally sick. He has a hold on me and I can't break free. He has lost everything. I don't understand why he keeps going at the pace he is. He has flattened my tires, he has threatened to hurt my animals or himself and he tells me he drinks because it makes him numb. When I get 330 text messages in a night about how life sucks, how I did all of this to him and how I am nothing, how everyone else f$*cked up his life - HOW IS THAT NUMB!?!
I am loosing my faith, hope and my sanity. He is ruining me and I can't seem to break free because of the guilt I have.
Sorry - just wanted to share.

Seems you've been here before and know that we will give it to you straight. You have the power to take what you like and leave the rest.

Welcome to SR!

Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I have two suggestions:

Call the Dometic Violence Services in your community. Your life and your pet are at risk.
Second, use paragraphs to break up your posts.

I don't know how to stop this cycle.

Get out NOW! There is no gentle way to say that this man is a monster. Abuse is NEVER okay. This man has nothing and no one because of choices HE made. If you keep going back with him, you are likely to end up in the hospital or in the ground. Keep yourself safe and as far away from this guy and his family as you can. They all sound nuts.

You are in a worse situation that me. Please keep posting, reading and count on others here for advice. You are caught up in the storm of his A and behavior. I am learning to focus on me for the first time in my life. For some reason being with an A cause a dependency like no other. You are in it!

You are here though too - on this board. This is the first step in reaching out for help and I admire you for that. Know that we all love you and our hearts hurt. Keep moving forward and know that there will be tougher times ahead. Pray, have patience and listen to members here, not him.

You need more right now than a message board can give you. Your life is in danger.

Here is a page that contains phone numbers you can call for help:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

The people who answer those phones are there specifically because of situations like yours. I hope you will call.

L

This is from one of our permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum:

Domestic Abuse - Domestic Abuse and Violence

"Call the Dometic Violence Services in your community. Your life and your pet are at risk.
Second, use paragraphs to break up your posts."

See - this is how crazy I am - I just started typing and had no idea how long it was getting and I thought I was using paragraphs but I am in such a haze right now... Sorry about that.

I have been in contact with my DV agency in CO, I have been to counseling through them and I have a victim's advocate.
The disappointing part about all of this is, they really don't seem to care since this is the second time it has happened.
The first time, I explained to the courts and to the judge that he has a drinking problem and he has mental problems - I believe he might be bipolar - and they didn't listen to anything I had to say. No psych work up, no classes for drinking - only anger management classes and they only put him on probation for a year.
Needless to say, no matter what the courts do or whatever, I can only get myself out of the situation I have let myself get into and that is the part I can't figure out how to fix. I know it is up to me to figure out too.
I found this forum and decided to get on here. I have support for the domestic v part of everything but I am struggling more with the Alcoholism than anything because that is when he is a complete monster.
I don't know... Just needed to get stuff off of my chest. Like I said, I am all over the place. I don't even remember driving to work half of the time. I wake up half way through the day trying to figure out how the hell I let all of this happen....

This is the part the DV hotline can help you with. Helping him is not what they are there for, they are there to help you. They can give you advice and suggestions, but you have to be willing to take their advice. Changing your phone number or blocking his texts, for example, would be a good start. Do you have a restraining order against him? If not, that would also be something to consider.

L

You have to stop trying to fix him. The fact that he drinks or has mental health issues does not matter at this point. The only thing you need to be concerned with is keeping yourself safe. Stop taking his calls, block him from your cell phone and go NO CONTACT. If you are afraid he will show up on your doorstep, change your locks (if he has a key) invest in an alarm system, take out a restraining order and be willing to call the police if he shows up. You have to stop feeling sorry for him. If you don't protect yourself, no one else will.

Good on you for reaching out for help.

Let's focus on you and how we can help you get your precious life back on track.

One of the things I noticed about your original post, is that you feel the need to help and support your AF (alcoholic friend). You seem to be concerned with his lack of financial, emotional and physical support. I recognize those traits as I have tried to be the fixer in my relationships. I wanted the other person not to feel hurt and abandoned. The truth is......I was the one hurt and abandoned, by myself.

I had stopped taking care of my needs. I forgot that I needed to support myself financially, emotionally and physically too. I matter too. I began recovering from my need to fix others first (codependency) and began to take care of myself first. You will find support for yourself in taking better care of you here at SR.

I know what it feels like to love an alcoholic. It's okay to love them from a distance. Just as I had to learn to take care of myself, I had to let the alcoholic learn to take care of themself too. Even if it meant letting the alcoholic hit a financial, emotional and physical bottom of lossing everything.

Hooks that keep you in boundary-less relationships
 

This is from our Sticky posts at the top.
Does this sound like you?

3. Guilt

Maybe you are hooked by irrational guilt that you must think, feel and act in ways to insure that your relationships are preserved, secured and nurtured no matter what personal expense it takes out of you. You feel guilty if the your relationship partners are not succeeding or thriving without your personal resources, energy, money, time and effort going in to making such success happen. You have a problem of feeling over-responsible for the welfare of your relationship partners and cannot allow your partners to accept personal responsibility, to make choices and live with the consequences of these choices. This irrational guilt is a driving motivation to keep you tearing down your boundaries so that you will always be available to your relationship partners at any time, in any place, for whatever reason your relationship partners "need" you. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "My relationship partners and I are responsible for accepting personal responsibility for our own lives and to accept the consequences for the choices we make in taking care of our own lives. I am not responsible for the outcomes which result from the choices and decisions which my relationship partners make. My relationship partners and I are free to make our own decisions with no one forcing us to make bad ones which will result in negative consequences to ourselves if they should occur."

Hooks that keep you in boundary-less relationships
 

does this sound like your AF?

5. Helplessness and Neediness of Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the neediness and helplessness of your relationship partners. You find yourself hooked when your partners get into self-pity, "poor me" and "how tough life has been." You find yourself weak when your relationship partners demonstrates an inability to solve personal problems. You find yourself wanting to teach and instruct, when your relationship partners demonstrate or admit ignorance of how to solve problems. You find yourself hooked by verbal and non-verbal cues which cry out to you to "help" your relationship partners even though your partners have the competence to solve the problem on their own. You find yourself feeling warmth, caring and nurturing feelings which help you tear down any shred of boundaries you once had. These sad, weak, distraught, lost, confused and befuddled waifs are so needy that you lose all concept of space and time as you begin to give and give and give. It feels so good. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "No one is helpless without first learning the advantages of being helpless. Helplessness is a learned behavior which is used to manipulate me to give of my resources, energy, time, effort and money to fix. I am a good person if I do not try to fix and take care of my relationship partners when my partners are acting helpless. I cannot establish healthy intimate relationships with my relationship partners if I am trying to fix or take care of them all of the time. I need to put more energy into fixing and taking care of myself if I find myself being hooked by my relationship partners' helplessness."

Hooks that keep you in boundary-less relationships
 

Because you mentioned his threats to off himself:

9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."

These jewels of wisdom are here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Pelican: This is like reading what is going on in my life. WOW. Thank you so much for all of this. I have decided that I am running, not walking, to my VERY FIRST Al Anon meeting tonight. I am losing my friggen mind and I need help.

Honey, please stay in touch. Sometimes we have to take small steps, and they may seem silly. But, every step away from this man will help you.

Thank you kptsj. I need to hear this more than I thought I would need to. The more I hear that getting away from him is for the best and the more I hear I can't fix him and the more I hear that I am capable of doing this, makes it seem more attainable.
I feel like I am the one fighting the alcoholism and I am not an alcoholic. I have no money, I feel lost and depressed, I have not taken care of myself in so long that it is even hard for me to spend MY money on myself.
I will keep in touch. I need to hear what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong because I realize now, I cannot do this all myself. Nobody understands how hard this is... All my friends want me to be done with it, never look back and me to be 100%. My family is very supportive although they have stressed that they will no longer be there for me if I take him back. They are giving me ultimatums now and I can't lose them for him and his addiction and his abuse.

Right first LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE and do not go back! easy to say i know because im going through the exact same thing but i am away from him now and although i feel sad and miss him and guilty im not so worried anymore.Please do not take him back,he will walk all over you if you do and that is the truth.
But i was told all this and i still didnt listen. Ask yourself how do you feel when your with him? How do you feel when your without him? I bet there isnt much difference because even when he is sober your constantly worrying when he will be drunk,and that is how you will always feel if you go back because alcoholics are alcoholics for life! I really feel for you and everything you wrote reminded me of me and im giving you the advice i should have took ages ago! Take care and listen to what your gut is telling you already u r not daft xxxx

You have choices because you still have a brain, his I fear is on it's way out as is his body.
Your choice is between staying and losing yourself in HIS frantic, abusive and demented lifestyle, or leaving LIKE NOW, and seeking help from Alanon, DV experts, and I would advise getting all the legal protection you can get.

This man is a ticking time bomb, and you my dear could be blown to bits, unless you go as far from him, as fast as you can.

As has been said above, it isn't the reality of him you miss or even love, it is YOUR dream of him, the one you want him to be......sorry but he is who he is.

By the way, true love does not engender fear. Real love wants only the best for the loved one. Real love doesn't beat up, belt, threaten, abuse, or throttle the loved one.

Learn what love is, by first learning how to love yourself.....until you love and respect who you are, you will not understand how to either give love or receive love.

God bless