smacked

YOU are not qualified to HELP him. Let him find the help that is healthy and appropriate for him.

Anytime you want off this ride, you can hop off. You're volunteering for this craziness.. I hope you get some help for YOU soon.

skope

I'm struggling... trying my best to not get in touch with him, but still keep checking my phone.

I don't want to end things, I have to and it's heart breaking.

Bolina

I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way, skope.

Do you realise that it's 12 weeks or so since you started this thread? And I am sad that I know little more about YOU than in the beginning. Because all of your posts since your first one are either about him or just about how sad you are. I know it's difficult, but people have been showing you tools to make things better for YOU, yet you seem resistant to that. Why do you think that is?

skope

I don't know.. the things which ppl are saying to me, I know they're right. And I so desperatley want to be happy. But why can't I be happy with him all the time?
I say all the time, cos when he'd not drinking, I'm the happiest I've ever been, and he's said it to me before that that's how he feels about me. He says that he feels like he's been going thru life waiting to die and then when he met me, i gave him hope. I never liked when he said those things, cos thats alot for me to have on my shoulders. But when we're together, i'm happy, so happy. So thats why i dont want to leave him.

Bolina

Oh ffs. This isn't some sappy film.

How old are you both, btw?

skope

I did say that to him last nite.. I said only you are in control of what you're doing. And that was hard for him to take in, he said that if he had a choice, he def wouldn't choose this way of life, he wouldn't choose to think the way he does about himself. I told him I know he doesn't choose the depression, but he chooses to self medicate it.

He did say that he would give up the drink during the week, if he was able to go mad on fridays and saturdays.. but i've heard it before, you know?

He doesn't understand why one or two pints a nite is still not enough. Am I demanding too much?

Anvilhead, I know.. I am trying. I haven't joined a gym like i said i would, but thats mainly money reasons. I have equipment here.. it's just getting the energy and drive to want to do it. I have booked a hair app.. i'm hoping that'll be a little pick me up. And looking to do some shopping.. retail therapy etc.

Bolina, I'm 25 and he's 33.

Bolina

Sweetie, you are far too young for this nonsense.

Imagine you have a hula-hoop round your waist. For the next week, can you focus only concerning yourself with what is within that circle? And what might that look like. What would you do?

LaTeeDa

He IS choosing this way of life. He KNOWS he has depression. That means there are tons of options available to him. Instead of tackling it in a healthy, productive way, he CHOOSES to drink.

By the same token, YOU are choosing this way of life. You continue to believe that his recovery is just around the corner, even though his ACTIONS are saying quite the opposite.

So, now you are willing to settle for him drinking a little during the week, and going 'mad' on the weekends? And I wonder how long before 'madness' starts creeping into other days of the week.......

You don't need his madness in your life. Do the little crumbs he throws you really make up for the rest of it?

L

nodaybut2day

Um, why do you need HIM to make YOU happy?

Words. These are only words, designed to keep you around, dependant on him.

He isn't healthy for you (your posts have shown this over and over), but you crave being with him, because in a strange way, he makes you feel happy. Sounds very similar to the words of an addict describing his drug of choice.

Take steps to stop the cycle of your addiction to him. If you don't, you'll never get off this merry-go-round.

Thumper

Don't romanticize what this guy is doing. Don't feel so sorry for him. He is simply making a choice. I know that can seem incomprehensible but people make it every day. I have an xah that choce it over 16 years, a decent wife, and four precious children. It isn't about *you* and if you are or are not enough. You could be the Queen, or a zillionair, or a model, or the sex goddess of the universe, or all of those combined and it would not matter. He has chosen addiction and nothing gets in the way of addiction. Nothing accept when, for reasons within themselves, the person decides to un-choose it.

You said the above.

And then you said this.

Hmm. Challenge yourself here. Sometimes we lock ourselves into a way of thinking or believing and we just keep plodding towards that without ever questioning it. Do you really want to be with him or do you want the idea of fixing him or getting him to choose you, or being with the fantasy of him? Do you really want this relationship or do you just fear letting a relationship go?
I'm not speculating about the above things specifically - I'm not looking for you to answer me on that list, just trying to get you to think.

Why would that make you feel awful?

You know - something hit me during the last, very dark days, that I was living with my now xah. He was drunk and ranting and raving at me for hours and saying just awful things. I was not responding with one word. I was laying in bed in a dark room praying for him to be gone. I couldn't leave, I had 4 little kids at home. At one point he was rambling and crying and left to get more beer. I sat in the window and watched him go and knew he'd be back to continue. In hindsight I should have locked the damn doors but I didn't. I cried. I cried a river watching him leave. My heart felt so broken. You know what I realized? My unbearable pain at that moment was not for myself, it was not because of the ending of a relationship, it wasn't even for my kids which is where I got stuck and made so many errors in judgment, it was because someone was feeling unloved or in turmoil. Others people's pain and feelings of rejection register greater discomfort and emotion in me then my own. I was almost desperate to take that away from him and at that point I had so much resentment built up towards him I no longer loved him, respected him, or even liked him. It made no sense to me and then it clicked. Thank god for that realization at that moment because the awareness helped me in the coming weeks and months. I used that awareness to think situations through with some logic rather then acting on that internal feeling that was so strong but didn't always make sense. I'm not sure if that story will help you but it popped into my head.

YES! You can not gain clarity when he is drowning you in confusion.

Bolina

Romanticizing the Stoned

straight to DVD.

gerryP

'...crying and saying he is losing his career and his life.'

Yeah?

Thing with active alcoholics is once they have that moment of clarity, they always feel better after they have a drink, which surely follows.

ONLY when HE decides to STOP, will it stop.

Skope, he's wasting his life drinking and you are wasting your life by being associated with him.

iwantcontrol

Skope, I hope you had a good weekend and are feeling a bit stronger now. I am not really in any position to give you advice so all I will say on that front is to reall ythink about what people on here are saying to you. Really try to work out how you truly feel about him and what you are going to do for you. You definitely need to do more things outside of him to make you happy, and I hope you've started this over the weekend. I too had a new haircut the other day and have been trying to focus on my own life and my own hobbies and things I enjoy, although my ABF is still a big part of my life.

As I wrote last week my ABF got completely drunk on horrible cheap cider (which he hasn't touched for a while because it is evil stuff) and didn't bother turning up for plans we'd made etc. Rather than sad this time I was soooo angry. After he'd had a day sober we met at the weekend and spent it sober and together as usual. He's said what he is going to do about sorting it out and I hope he does. The only thing I can say is that I have progressed and handle these situations better - I am stronger and not so devastated every time he drinks. It is up to him to sort himself out. If I keep getting stronger there will come a time when his drunkenness will not be allowed in my life and we wont be together any more.

BTW, our situations are getting even more similar - he is the same age as your ABF and I'm only a little older than you! Seeing as we're at opposite ends of the country I'm still hoping we're not sharing the same man!

Learn2Live

This is not your job. This is the job of HIS Higher Power. Step out of the way.

(1) He DOES have a choice.
(2) He HAS chosen this way of life.
(3) He DOES choose to think the way he does about himself.
and (4) IMO, he is USING depression as an excuse. And so are you.

gerryP

"He said what he was going to do about sorting it out"

Iwant, hasn't he been talking about this every weekend? All he is doing IS TALKING. Hun... he isn't going to do anything about it. When he talks about what he is GOING to do to sort himself out, it sounds hopeful, doesn't it and he knows that by saying this, it gets you off his back.

"Only thing I can say is that I've progressed and handle these things better-I am stronger and not so devestated every time he drinks.

Honestly, Iwant....do you know how long you are willing to allow this in your life? What if you progress to not getting angry enough?

Have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself once a week in order to determine what is within you....to allow such a relationship in your life. It wasn't until I sought therapy that I was able to understand myself and make changes in my life.

justjo

I love him so much, he loves me so much!
How many times did I hear my sister say that - honestly, while she had someone (one person) to put up with and listen to her needy, Im so frail, help me crap, it was always love. Over the years I saw over 6 men come in and out of her life. These guys were going to rescue her, use her, and get back the false love they never had from another woman. They didnt know her at all. Oh, but they watched her drink herself to death, live in a pigstye and blame us for the condition she was in.
They were going to change her, pay her bills, make sure she had eaten, take her for a sunday drive, if she managed to get up that day, because this person was going to love them back and need them. They even went and bought the booze for her because she would manipulate them into thinking she would leave them if they didnt. She would call them all hours of the day or night 'needing' them to listen to her, 'my life is over' stuff.
So why on earth would anyone put up with this stuff? - it was someone they could control in a kind of sick way. This was someone they could get to love them in a kind of sick way. None of it was true love or just happy to be with them kind of love. Someone they didnt even truely know. It was someone they could test and be tested with. Someone they knew, that didnt have anyone else around to interfere.
Everytime one relationship ended, another one would start and this was because there were always others waiting in the background ready for her to need them.
Its nice being needed, wanted and loved but seriously your relationship is not a healthy one. Its a sick one and your bf is the sick one right now.
Does any of this make sense to you?

iwantcontrol

i know, i know. I do often feel that I'm banging my head against a brick wall, but I guess the only explanation I have is that I really do believe he will get himself sorted out. It sounds stupid but I think that must be the case. I'm still thinking about things and trying to work it all out.

Freedom1990

I think you should keep doing exactly what you're doing, seriously. Perhaps someday the pain will become so great, you'll do something different.

I was a very slow learner, 13 years of misery and repeating the same mistake over and over until the pain became unbearable.

That's 13 years I'll never get back.

I hope it doesn't take you that long, but each to his own.

LaTeeDa

Absolutely Devon. I have found that suffering has been my greatest teacher. She is patient and persistent. If you don't learn the lessons, she repeats them again and again.

It wasn't until I decided I didn't want to take that class again that I finally decided to pay attention!

L

FindingPeace1

It's not about leaving (or staying). It's about acceptance. Accepting him just as he is. That means the fantastic sometimes person, as well as the drunk jerk. That's who he is. That's who you've chosen to be with. You either want him, or you don't, but you don't get to change him.

Thank you, LTD. This lesson comes 1 million times and may need to come 1 million more. Switching to "if I just...he might grow/change, etc." is so insidious and regular in me it is nothing short of spectacular.
Back to it IS how it IS right now and I don't want it this way.
AND I love him.
AND I am moving on and taking care of myself.

Hugs.