Originally Posted by
skope 
I don't mean that to sound like that, but what I mean is I'm not enough to make him want to be better enough and permanently. I'm a temporary fix and then a few days later, he'll make excuses not to see me so he can go for a drink.
Don't romanticize what this guy is doing. Don't feel so sorry for him. He is simply making a choice. I know that can seem incomprehensible but people make it every day. I have an xah that choce it over 16 years, a decent wife, and four precious children. It isn't about *you* and if you are or are not enough. You could be the Queen, or a zillionair, or a model, or the sex goddess of the universe, or all of those combined and it would not matter. He has chosen addiction and nothing gets in the way of addiction. Nothing accept when, for reasons within
themselves, the person decides to un-choose it.
I hadn;t contacted him for a few days b/c i was just tired. IWC, in fact, your last post in your topic summed it all up for me.. i'm mentally and physically drained of it al.. I don't want alcohol to play such a big part of my everyday life. After him being wasted the other night, i wasn't even mad. I couldn't get angry, I couldn't get upset with him.. I was just... nothing. Blank. Floating thru the days with no emotion. It was easier bc i didnt see him either.. but last night seeing him, it was difficult to even look at him.
You said the above.
And then you said this.
I go weak, I want to be with him.
Hmm. Challenge yourself here. Sometimes we lock ourselves into a way of thinking or believing and we just keep plodding towards that without ever questioning it. Do you really want to be with him or do you want the idea of fixing him or getting him to choose you, or being with the fantasy of him? Do you really want this relationship or do you just fear letting a relationship go?
I'm not speculating about the above things specifically - I'm not looking for you to answer me on that list, just trying to get you to think.
But i told him he cant do it for me, it has to be for himself. I felt awful saying that.
Why would that make you feel awful?
You know - something hit me during the last, very dark days, that I was living with my now xah. He was drunk and ranting and raving at me for
hours and saying just awful things. I was not responding with one word. I was laying in bed in a dark room praying for him to be gone. I couldn't leave, I had 4 little kids at home. At one point he was rambling and crying and left to get more beer. I sat in the window and watched him go and knew he'd be back to continue. In hindsight I should have locked the damn doors but I didn't. I cried. I cried a river watching him leave. My heart felt so broken. You know what I realized? My unbearable pain at that moment was not for myself, it was not because of the ending of a relationship, it wasn't even for my kids which is where I got stuck and made so many errors in judgment, it was because someone was feeling unloved or in turmoil. Others people's pain and feelings of rejection register greater discomfort and emotion in me then my own. I was almost desperate to take that away from him and at that point I had so much resentment built up towards him I no longer loved him, respected him, or even liked him. It made no sense to me and then it clicked. Thank god for that realization at that moment because the awareness helped me in the coming weeks and months. I used that awareness to think situations through with some logic rather then acting on that internal feeling that was so strong but didn't always make sense. I'm not sure if that story will help you but it popped into my head.
Originally Posted by
Learn2Live skope,
If you want to get better, I recommend you stop talking to this guy.
YES! You can not gain clarity when he is drowning you in confusion.