partner has alcoholism + depression..

Old 05-12-2010, 04:45 AM
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all good points. I do agree. Hoping I'll realise the same thing soon. Maybe that train wont come.
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Old 05-12-2010, 05:10 AM
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Exactly what I meant to say....God knows after being with 2 A's for a total of more than 45 years, I am sure I am not the woman I would have been, had I stayed with my husband and he had not become the A he did. He may still be alive, and I would never have been thru the hell of 18 years with RABF.

So with the A, even if he becomes a staunch AA follower, because he knows how close relapse is and carries baggage from the old days. He may be a lovely recovering A, but he may not be the man you want him to be. This is what I mean by him not ever being the regular, standard boyfriend you say you wish he was.

I know many recovered and happy A's, married and successful, but each knows what lurks inside, ready and waiting to jump out at the first opportunity.

God bless
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Old 05-12-2010, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by skope View Post
cos then that leaves him to do as he pleases..
And that is his right as an adult, providing he is not breaking any laws. It may not be moral, in your eyes, but it is still his right to be a jerk. And it is your right as an adult to not have a relationship with that person if it means that it is doing you harm. You are not a victim in this. There comes a time when you are volunteering to be treated in this way.

I fear you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
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Old 05-12-2010, 02:13 PM
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I know. Thank you all so much for your replies. You all speak sense and this is what I need to hear. And just to let you know, I'm seeking advice, aswell as support - just in reference to a topic i've read on here about members giving advice n noe support.

It may be frustrating for you, but i'm the same as IWantControl.. I need to take baby steps. I don't know why... I used to be so much stronger than this. I know working with him plays a big factor in this, and me living alone also.. I have nothing else to do with myself.

IWC, I have no idea if he is still cutting down his drink as I've only seen him outside of work once this week.

I just don't know if its his depression, or wanting to drink thats making him act like this right now. He did say he hasnt been taking his meds.

I resisted texting him all day (well i replied to a txt during work where he said that he was sorry for being in a weird mood n he doesnt want to shut me out n just that he keeps hurting ppl n it makes him feel worse) and it was so hard not to get in touch, and just as i was about to, he texted me. Saying he's sorry.. for "whatever it is ppl do before they give up". He also said that i have my life and do i want to spend it with him. I just dont know how to respond to something like that. Course I do, or I did. I'm so in love with him otherwise I wouldn't care less about him n would just leave him to take his own path. But I also know what's right for me.. but how can you say that someone who already feels ****.. it's like kicking him when he's down. I also sense he may be out drinking... but this i can only suspect, as i have no idea and it's my paranoia perhaps too.
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Old 05-12-2010, 02:27 PM
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Baby steps are fine. I know that it took me about 6 months of baby steps until I said "enough is enough" and that was it. I will say, though, that I worked very hard in those 6 months on assimilating reams of information, working hard at counselling and al-anon and being very, very honest with myself.

You say that you have nothing else to do with yourself. How about making a change in that direction? What do you enjoy doing? Being with other people always helps me - seeing other people model healthy behaviours keeps my perspective on the straight and narrow. Volunteering, maybe, or how about an evening class or sports club?

I can't help but feel that he is dangling enough of the right words in front of you to keep you hooked. He is behaving appallingly towards you and that is not healthy for you, regardless of whatever excuses you or he may make for him. If I ever treated those I loved (or anyone else, actually) in that way, I would be so ashamed and would do whatever it took to stop doing that. What about you?
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Old 05-12-2010, 03:03 PM
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It is appalling. What you've said.. my friends have said before. So that is what i mean with pease dont get frustrated with me, i need to be more pro active in my own personal life and im sure he will slowly fade away. I will join a gym and perhaps look at some evening classes.

he has texted saying things like he feels like disappearing, he's lost and he's worthless. and has admitted that he's drunk and that he can't stop.

I don't know what to say back anymore. I thought he was doing so well.
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Old 05-12-2010, 03:16 PM
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I'm not frustrated. Sorry if it seems that way. I am just perhaps a bit straightforward because, believe me, it is a lot clearer once you are on the other side. And I needed people on that side of the mess to help me take the scales from my eyes, so I am just paying it back. Have a


So, what exactly is he doing for himself?

Is he posting on a site like this?
Is he going to AA/Smart/local alcohol service meetings?
Is he in counselling?
Is he reading about depression and alcoholism?

Or is he just whinging to you about his problems and self-medicating with alcohol (and pills that won't work if he is drinking)?

You are not qualified to deal with his problems for him. You would be qualified to hold his hand whilst he is doing whatever it takes to address his troubles.

He is getting a payoff for all of this. What's your payoff?
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Old 05-12-2010, 08:12 PM
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i took baby steps, too. seemed less horrible to ease out. i'm still workin on it.

bolina asked about the payoff. this is a terrific thing to remember. it sometimes takes some soul-searching.

from where i am, it looks like you get sucked in by his mental illness distresses. this is a tricky one, because they can say, we can say, even get a dr to say, that he has an illness. even if you buy into the "born with it" model, there is still a lot one can do to offset the debilitating effects of depression. i think we can be sympathetic to a degree, then the "what are you doing to recognize the patterns, and fight the depression?"
it can be treatable.
but, again, probably not if he is drinking.

i finally decided that my xabf has this image of himself as a complete and utter screw-up, and he feels sorry for himself much of the time. i think it's his way of not dealing.

don't have to put too much pressure on yourself to have all the answers right now. you took a long time to get in this difficult situation after all.
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Old 05-13-2010, 01:26 AM
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For me the biggest problem with dealing with my situation was that I needed to have everything figured out right away, so I ended up making decisions in anger, or because someone said something and it felt right (but I didn't really get it), or I was forcing myself to believe I had enough, but every time after awhile I ended up back at the square one. I wasn't ready.
I knew our happines is so close, we had everything going for us except this one thing: his drinking, and only if I could do something to make that go away everything would be perfect. I don't know if I really believed he can do it, but I was sure I can do it, I can make him do it, I can do anything I set my heart and mind too. I had my teeth in it like a pit bull and wouldn't let go. That lasted forever, because I was not ready to work on myself and address my own issues. He was a problem, I needed to sort him out.
Only when I admited there could be something wrong with me too, I started to let go, to move in a right direction. To do that I had to be honest with myself. That was the hardest, it's easier to blame it all on him, and cry how horrible my life is.
Someone here has it as their signature, it goes something like: Only when the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of unknown you're ready to leave.
That proved to be right for me. My pain became unberable, anything else seems better than this.
I guess we all walk at our own pace, it took me awfully long time and great amount of pain to get where I am now.
I don't think anyone here is getting frustrated with you, I'm sure all of us are sharing and giving you the advices so you can educate yourself and spare yourself some pain.

In my opinion the best way to go about it is by trying to be honest with yourself as much as you possibly can. Once you get rid of your own delusions everything becomes much more clear. Takes work, it's hard, but it can be done.
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Old 05-15-2010, 07:28 AM
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Bolina, I know you're not frustrated.. it's just a warning that ppl who reply to me may feel that way. IThank you for your support and advice and i hope it continues.

He apologised for being the way he was.. but we've just had a phone call that shows me how manipulative he can be. I'm so fed up with it.

Last nite we were talking about whether to meet up or not..he said he just wanted a few drinks n early nite... so I left him to it. And he ended up gettin drunken txts around midnite..nothing too emotional, just asking what i was doin etc.

But then today he tells me I'm all he has and he always wants to be around me n see me. So why has that not been the case lately? But if i say that I seem the needy gf dont I.
Convo today was filled with accusation, lies and "he's doing all he can to just stay alive" and as i'm the only one he's got, if he keeps upsetting me, there's no point to him living.
He raises his voice at me down the phone but when i do the same he says to me in thiis weak voice "stop shouting, i cant handle it, stop yelling at me". It's pathetic.
He says I'm not acting normal (re: the giving him space during this stressful time) but, I'm not doin it for me, I'm doing it for him.. you're not supposed to smother depressed ppl and especially those under stress, so I'm leaving him to it. And I told him this is what i was doing, then he accuses me of not telling him how i feel and i keep my feelings to myself!
I'm sick of his drama. And the threats of suicide. I'm temtped to call someone like the hospital, I don't know? Just next time he does it and hes drunk, they'll show up at his door. The only thing thats stopped me is that his job is at stake and he could lose it if they find out how bad he is.

Bolina, you're right, other than cutting down on drink when hes around me, he's done nothing.
He is in counselling, which was provided by our work place.. but it's every 2-3 weeks or so. He needs it more often.
He's not on his medication.

anvilhead, the first few times I heard it I thought it was a cry for help. But many ppl keep saying its attention seeking, but what if it isnt? what if one day he does something stupid, god forbid (as he has just said to me today, he's been on the brink of it all week).

I'm really starting to get confused between what is right and what's wrong. What is an alcoholic? Is he even an alcoholic? Or is it me over reacting? I'm pretty sure he is addicted to alcohol.

Sesh, thank you.. that quote is powerful. I've read your topic too and with others I wish you nothing but good luck. You're very strong and I hope to be like that one day.
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Old 05-15-2010, 12:23 PM
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When he talks suicide, you dial 911 and tell them he is threatening suicide.

He's making you an emotional hostage.

There are people qualified and trained to deal with suicidal people.

As for him losing his job, that's inevitable in the long run anyway.
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by skope View Post
Hiya, hoping someone can help me, kinda very close to a breakdown here.

I'll try to brief but it may drag on. Thank you to those who are kind enough to read to the end.

Jist of it..I was just coming out of a relationship, Then I met a guy at work.. was instantly attracted to him, and we got together. Thing is after that 4 yr relationship that i had come out of, i always had thought i would move back home! I never thought I'd meet someone else. And, me thinking i was doing the right thing, told work guy that thats what my life plan was n this could never be serious. Of course this lead to arguements but we just kinda bypassed it. He would always want to see me every evening/every weekend, as normal couples do. But as I had started to develop rally strong feelings for him, i ended up pushing him away and fighting the urge to see him and spend time with him.
More I spent time with him the more i realised i wanted to be with him also.. He's the first man I've kissed since a guy at uni that when i kissed him he made my knees go weak..we can make each other laugh till we're peeing ourselves..he still gives me butterflies when i see him.. i turn into a little school girl around him and find him oh so fit! Even hearing his voice can make me lose concentration on everything..I've never felt that way about anyone. We fit together so well. I could see myself with him forever, father of my kids.. coming home to him was the greatest feeling and i wanted that to look forward to.

however, between getting together and realising i was falling in love with him.. it started to become clear that he may have a alcohol dependency and that mixed with anxiety and depression don't make a good mix. I've never been scared of him doing anything violent, just very scared to see him like that and overwhelmed. And it would be these times where his critical side would come out.. "i'm just goin to leave him for someone better, i'm too beautiful to be with someone like him, i should be with someone taller, handsome, richer. I didn't like him enough at the start, and now all of a sudden i'm in love with him". Without going into detail, his depression seems to stem from things ex-gfs (and ex wife) have said/done..even his parents and friends. And he just assumed i was going to the feel the same as them. There have been many suicide threats and talks. Even tho, there was me telling him how much i loved him, wanted to be with him and fought for us to stay together.

We would break up after he'd go drinking, call me and pick a fight.. cos id say i couldnt do it anymore then we'd make up when he realised what happened, be it the next day.. or week. But I know everytime we were apart i was a wreck.

After a year or so of this up and down.. he still drinks everyday... he says one or two pints is an improvement from his 10 a day that he used to do..he still smokes 20 a day and eats takeaways and oven pizzas for dinner.. During times when we've had our heart to hearst and long talks about life.love etc.. he says he knows his lifestyle is bad and is killing him and it's only recently that he's started counselling. He'd say things like he wants to stop the drinking and smoking (and wnet 3 weeks cold turkey with it, which i advised him against of and i was right as it ended up in him goin in overload) and improve his fitness and diet cos he feels fat and ugly.. but he never did anything about it. His claim is, he alreayd did that with his ex wife and look where it got him, a divorced
And when he's drunk and somethings happened to upset him, he'll say he doesn't want kids cos he doesnt want to pass on his genes, he doesn't want to give up his life to start worrying about mortgages and school catchment areas and he doesn't deserve a future, he shouldn't be here and he only hurts ppl over and over.

He even decided, hat he would cut me and other ppl he keeps hurting out of his life, for "my own good" as he just keeps hurting me and thought it best for me.
I told him whats best for me is for him to sort himself out and get his act together basically. Realise that i love him despite all these negative images he has of himself, that i don't want better than him and that he can have a future if he just fixes himself up.

I get upset that maybe i'm not good enough or he doesn't love me enough to want to change and make an effort, but cos i have seen how happy we can be and we've both been walking on clouds at times.. and he;s told me how lucky he feels to have me..so i must be worth something??
And then i get angry cos i wish i could just shake him and say sort yourself out and grow up! stop feeling so sorry for yourself and realise that you're throwing away your life!

He knows he has depression and is on medication for it, but he hasn't found a medication that is working.. they all have diff side effects which seems to make him worse. The ones he's on right now for example, he says he just feels inner nger and rage all the time.
He admits he has an alcohol addiction... sometimes. But then other times, it's my fault for "not coming from the same culture and not understanding that this is what men do."

How do i help him and support him with his depression and alcoholism? The depression i'm trying to support him by giving him space, (which is extremely difficult when he's sending me suicidial texts) but the alcohol addiction? I dont know how to deal with this cos he ends up either hiding it from me or blaming me for not wanting to drink.

thanks in advance
Wow ...I know the feeling all to well and the feelings you carry are so real I have been there done that. My best I can tell you is look for an al lon group it was the best move I ever did. They are wonderful and they have a couple books that you can use that work from day to day. I kept telling myself I could help and could do it and so on..Girl YOU CAN NOT HELP he has to do it. And the med and drinking NEVER WORK. The guy I am seeing has the same problem as your man. And its now old I did it for almost three years before I got talked into Al lon. I am doing it for ME ME ME you have to think of YOU!! They sure aren't and think about it..all you have done has not changed him and it won't. They need to put the booze down forever period thats all there is too it. And they are good at hiding, lying, making it your fault, telling you they love you ..yet they turn around and hurt you etc. I promise go to at least 3 if not 6 meetings I bet you won't be sorry. I now am loving it I go every monday to a beginners group and they do not pressure you and it is one you can talk at. Its amazing you will her YOUR story told and realize this goes on all the time and you need to get out and take care of you =) I hope I helped some.
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
When he talks suicide, you dial 911 and tell them he is threatening suicide.

He's making you an emotional hostage.

There are people qualified and trained to deal with suicidal people.

As for him losing his job, that's inevitable in the long run anyway.
OH good advice your are sooooooooooooo right!
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:15 AM
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Just as King Canute could not stop the tide coming in, neither can you stop him drinking, suiciding, losing his job, or whatever.

Holding you as his emotional scapegoat, hostage is not done from love, but from his need to hang on to someone, for his own purposes.

If he calls with the suicide ploy again, tell him you are calling emergency services, hang up and do it. Leave him to those who cope with this sort of thing day after day, and in the hands of God.

God bless
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Old 05-20-2010, 02:50 PM
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KRK, thanks

Jadmack & freedom1990, I think that's exactly what I'd do next time, god forbid there is a next time. But what if it ruins his career? If work find out about it? It'll be on me... I'll be the one who ruined the only thing going for him.

Small update: since moving back to near all his old haunts.. the cutting down on drinking has stopped and he's drinking for hours every evening again. Knew this would happen. Don't know how I feel to be honest... it starts off angry.. upset.. then this kind of numbness like my mind just gives up on him and on us.
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Old 05-20-2010, 03:30 PM
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But what if it ruins his career? If work find out about it? It'll be on me... I'll be the one who ruined the only thing going for him.
Why do you think you are so powerful? That's crazy. Let him feel the consequences for his actions. You are not his mother or his God. You are not in control of his life. if you were, it wouldn't be such a mess now, would it? All his problems would be fixed and he would be the perfect man for you - with no alcoholism.

You are simply a girl who's life and emotions are swirling out of control because she is focused on trying to control something she has no control over.

Allow him the dignity of dealing with his own problems. Or he may never have a chance at getting sober.

Do you attend Alanon? Do YOU work a program for your codependency?
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Old 05-24-2010, 04:39 PM
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I can't control it anymore. I find it hard to speak to him wheni know he's been drinking. But according to him this makes him worse.. he says that he doesn't deserve my silence.

But if i speak, i'll just get angry. He went for a drink today and i left him to it... car journey back was in silence... he obv continued to drink once i dropped him off as i've started to receive the text messages.

His last text i just receved was that the only thing keeping him alive is guilt. I know from what hes said in the past he means guilt that his family woud be left in despair if he commit suicide and thats the only thing stopping him from doing it.

Saturday.. we had absolutley great weather n all i wanted to do was sit in a park n relax with him.. all he wanted to do was find a beer garden n drink. So i left him to it.. if we talk about it, i'm not dealing with it correctly, if i leave him alone when he wants to drink, I'm not dealing with it correctly.

I can't take this anymore.. he continues to drink n drink. i'm falling apart. I feel so let down all the time. How can someone hate themselves so much enough they want to kill themselves.. when really theres actually nothing wrong with him other than a curable addiction? I dont get this anymore.
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Old 05-24-2010, 04:51 PM
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Skope, I so know how you are feeling. I am feeling pretty devastated myself today, and for some of the same reasons. I will tell you the only thing that I think is keeping me sane is not having any contact with him. I also know how difficult that is, it has been incredibly difficult for me. But when having contact with them is only hurting us further, something has to be done about it. Perhaps you could just take a baby step back from him for now. The thing is he is probably not going to make it easy on you, you will have to find your strength, mine has come from my HP. I say this because I honestly believe with all my heart that I wouldn't be able to do this on my own, it's just too big. Know we are here for you, and that you can make it through this. You have to figure out what boundaries you need to have with him, and be realistic when setting them, because he WILL test them. Stay strong and remember you are worth it!
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Old 05-24-2010, 04:55 PM
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Thank JB1.. I've read your post and I've been in exact same situation as you when me and my bf have one of our breaks up. I'd txt for any stupid reason.
I'm so glad you're being strong. I may go to church tomorrow.. try n find some strength. I've prayed so much for him to get better.

He's just txt me saying "goodbye forever".
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Old 05-24-2010, 05:41 PM
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It really sounds like he is trying to manipulate you. I can't really say it any better that Anvil did, so I will just say I completely agree! I know it's hard to resist him, but you have to decide that you come first, and then start behaving accordingly! Hang in there!
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