partner has alcoholism + depression..

Old 06-08-2010, 11:15 AM
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It's not about leaving (or staying). It's about acceptance. Accepting him just as he is. That means the fantastic sometimes person, as well as the drunk jerk. That's who he is. That's who you've chosen to be with. You either want him, or you don't, but you don't get to change him.

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Old 06-08-2010, 11:18 AM
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Gawd, I love anvil.

That post encapsulates the fundamentals of recovery from rescuing.

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Old 06-08-2010, 11:21 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
did it occur to you that maybe he didn't SIGN UP for your self improvement course? that maybe he's FINE as is? that maybe he doesn't need or WANT your HELP?

let's talk about this HELP thing........what exactly are YOU going to HELP him do??? and how are you going to go about it? what steps do YOU plan to take to HELP him? why are you so certain that you are the Sobriety Fairy and can just wave your magic wand???? what experience do you have in the field of abstinence and recovery from addiction? what resources do you have to draw from? what other lives are on your resume that you have HELPED and could act as a reference?

and ultimately, HOW IS YOUR OWN LIFE GOING? is it a shining example of a life fully and well lived? do you eminate joy and bliss? are you content and at peace with the past? have you thoroughly examined your own condition and made improvements where necessary? is your body/mind/soul triad in balance?

i think these are very REAL questions you should be asking yourself. looking at yourself...............looking inward.
While i would love to help him get sober, you're right, i dont have experience or qualifications in doing that and so i can only be there to support him. I am trying to accept him and the situation as it is - i dont like it but i am trying to accept it and see where that takes me. He often asks for my help but doesnt know what he wants me to do exactly. He says he is a better person around me and wants to be that person, but knows i cant be with him 24/7. I just want to know what the most helpful way for me to react to things is (helpful for me and him). I dont want to keep berating him for drinking, but i dont want to ignore it and pretend all is fine either.

I am doing ok in my life outside of the relationship in some ways. I enjoy some hobbies although i dont really enjoy work that much i have to stay there until my contract ends, and i dont see my friends as much as i'd like, but i think i'm doing ok. I know there are things to work on too, and i'm trying hard with that. I am focusing more on me and what i want, but i still want him too.
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Old 06-08-2010, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol View Post
I dont want to keep berating him for drinking, but i dont want to ignore it and pretend all is fine either.
He is who he is. What is right in front of you is reality. This is YOUR problem, not HIS. You want to change him into someone you want to be with. You do not want to be with him AS HE IS. Maybe it's time to look at YOUR problem instead of HIS.

YOU have a problem with who he is. HE is just being who he wants to be....

L
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Old 06-08-2010, 11:39 AM
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Hasn't the point here been It's not for you or anyone else to CHANGE anyone?. You keep coming back with "I want to help him get sober, I want him to change. You just NOW posted "I don't want to keep berating him for drinking, but I don't want to ignore it and pretend all is fine."

Iwant...the drunk who lets you down is who YOU have CHOSEN. There is NOTHING to change. That's who you have. That's ACCEPTANCE.
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Old 06-08-2010, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by canuckch View Post
I am coming a little bit late to this discussion but I just wanted to say keep on posting Skope. And go back and reread what you post and the answers.

Have you read the book Co-Dependent no more by Melody Beattie? If not, go out to the bookstore and buy it today. (or the library, almost all libraries have it). And then take the week off and go see your parents and read it.

Wow aren't I the bossy one this morning. No but seriously. I picked up a copy of that book when I was at my lowest and it truly opened my eyes. I always new I had to take a step back but I never could. It helped me find my footing again, refocus.
I bought the book yesterday and read almost straight through it. It is an eye-opener and I sent my picture to the dictionary so that when someone looks up codependent, there I am!
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Old 06-08-2010, 02:14 PM
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skope (and IWC) - have you read this thread back again from the beginning? I have just done that and I can see that there is an amazing collection of questions for you (not him) to start your recovery. Have you given them any thought?

Your own "why"s will get you far in this situation. The "why"s for him, not so much. I understand, though, if you are not ready yet. That's OK - it sometimes takes more pain to say "enough". But maybe this thread will give you a glimpse into how your bf feels when you are on his back about getting "better". Just a thought.....
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Old 06-08-2010, 06:30 PM
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Originally Posted by skope View Post

I know I'm not accepting him.. i guess that is cos i know how he is sober. He's a great man, so kind and caring.. funny and genuine. When i first told my friends at work about him they said they knew exacttly what I meant about there being "just something about him".. their words were that he was one of those guys you could just tell was a nice guy.

But drunk...he's selfish and self pitying, self loathing. Critical.. makes excuses.

But we went out on a nite out at the weekend and he was a " good drunk"... you know, just a typical guy on a nite out, we had fun n there was no depressed talk etc.

Something I still dont know for sure, is he an alcoholic? He says he as a drink problem, not alcoholism. Is wanting a drink everyday classified as this? Needing a drink to destress, is that having a problem? I don't know.. maybe it's just me and something I'm not used to.

I've seen ppl refer to their family members as "dry drunks".. what is that?
Ive tried to re-read most of the posts here. You just said it, YOU are not accepting him as he is, so what are you doing?
For example, its like someone going out with a guy who doesnt ever want children, but we will change his mind, right?? There are certain things you love about this man and certain things you really dislike about this man.
He was a 'good drunk' for a night you went out, if he did this everytime you went out, would that make things better for you? Is this man, someone you can see spending your life with? As is? Not changed.
Because if he is an alcoholic this will be a life long challenge for you and him, so are you in or out. You can keep throwing questions at yourself, with the buts, what ifs, if this and only if, and when that, but at the end of the day, this is your life and this is his life at this present stage. Nothing changes unless you change it. You can only change your path in life, with or without him. So instead of worrying about how HIS actions make you feel, try focussing on what you can do to make yourself feel better. When hes ready to make himself feel better, he will too.
Good Luck JJ
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Old 06-08-2010, 06:37 PM
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whoops - clicked twice
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Old 06-15-2010, 12:06 PM
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Thanks guys...

It's happened.. I said after last time to myself, one more chance. And he's blown it.
Won't go into details, but basically I was trying to get in touch with him yesterday.. prob gave him loads of missed calls and a few texts.. finally spoke to him and he had been out drinking with his brother.. he was wasted on a Monday nite. Again.
The phone cut out when he got into the lift at his place, an di never heard anything off him, so i text him sayin that "i hoped he'd had a good nite"... bitter i know, but i just hope all that alcohol was f**kin worth it. He replied sayin he was sorry, and something about how his next step would be the hospital. Wasn't sure what he meant by it, but i didnt ask.
He texted again later saying that he thinks he's wasting his counsellors time cos he keeps blowing it with me. Again, not quite sure what he meant, but i'm assuming it meant that the only reason he was going to see a counsellor was b/c of me.
That's a good thing, right? He was at least gettin help.
He had a docs app last week and they referred him to a psychiatrist.. we haven't had a chance to talk about that, and now i dont think we will at all.

He's blown his last chance with me. I'm devastated.. but more just disappointed, fed up and tired. I'm not the one who's gonna make him see what he's doin to himself... or as he says, i do make him see, but obv he cant find the strength to stop the self destruction. I'm heartbroken. I am so in love with this man, its crazy. I was just tellin him the other nite how when he walks into a room, i still get butterflies in my tummy. I saw myself with him forever.. kids, holidays.. the whole lot. I don't know if he knows what hes throwing away. Or maybe he doesnt care.
Maybe there's someone else out there for him.

I havent seen him today as i was working away, but he texted after work saying that hes sorry for f*king up and that he's struggling.
Struggling with what? I know he has depression, and i am so understanding of that. It's his self medicating i have a prob with. He's bn in touch, saying he wants to chat but I havent replied... i dont know what else there is to say anymore.
What can i say or do?
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Old 06-15-2010, 01:04 PM
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I understand we never had it, but we spoke of it all the time. And it wouldnt even be me who would bring it up all the time. So I'm sure he must've shared that fantasy with me? Maybe not, or maybe he desp wanted to feel it, but couldn't really.

He;s bn in touch again, saying he's free to chat. I haven't replied.. perhaps I should hear him out.. but i dont have the energy for this.. I just need food and sleep right now. I don't want to cry anymore.
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Old 06-15-2010, 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by skope View Post
I understand we never had it, but we spoke of it all the time. And it wouldnt even be me who would bring it up all the time. So I'm sure he must've shared that fantasy with me? Maybe not, or maybe he desp wanted to feel it, but couldn't really.
Most of the alcoholics I've known were all talk and no action. My husband and I shared a lot of dreams during our 20 years together. But, you know what? I was the only one taking ACTION toward those dreams.

Speaking of wanting something is easy. Actually doing what it takes to get there is what matters. What has he actually DONE to move toward that fantasy life you two have spoken about?

L
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Old 06-15-2010, 01:23 PM
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Smile SKOPE et al

Thank you so much for telling your stories. it rings so true. i now realise i am not to blame for this. my hubby in hospital after overdose but all down to his drinking and his ability to blame everyone else. i cannot take responsibility for him, he is a grown man, so it is time i stopped making excuses for him!!!

take care

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Old 06-15-2010, 02:02 PM
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I'm so in love with him otherwise I wouldn't care less about him n would just leave him to take his own path.

If you love him that much you should allow him to fix himself. If adults do everything for their children, they never learn to do it for themselves. In not letting him take his own path you are trying to force him to take YOUR path. that is control - not love.
I know this because I am also trying to kick the control habit. It's hard.
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Old 06-15-2010, 09:07 PM
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skope,

It's HARD to think of never speaking to him, or seeing him, again. But, can you think of doing this for a couple of days? Can you decide to go a few days without speaking to him, or seeing him?

You said he blew his last chance. If that is so, what possible good could come out of a last talk with him? Play it out....what are you hoping for?
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Old 06-16-2010, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by skope View Post
he texted after work saying that hes sorry for f*king up and that he's struggling.
Struggling with what? I know he has depression, and i am so understanding of that. It's his self medicating i have a prob with. He's bn in touch, saying he wants to chat but I havent replied... i dont know what else there is to say anymore.
What can i say or do?
Exactly what my ABF says and will probably say tomorrow as I think he's missing appointments today and getting drunk. Sick of it.
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Old 06-18-2010, 02:32 AM
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Hi skope, just wondered how you are?
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Old 06-18-2010, 02:58 AM
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Erm not good.. we chatted last night and he said he felt he knew it was coming but was devastated. He said he doesn't know the difference between drinking to have a good time or b/c he has a problem. I explained that I also don't knwo the difference b/c I haven't been exposed to thiis "everyday going for a drink" culutre. And that I'm findgin it hard to know if I'm right or wrong due to our cultures being different.
He said that he is willing to give me his life, i.e cut out drinking forever.. but he needs myhelp. How many times have I heard this before?
And I can't babysit him every evening to ensure he doesn't drink, can I? And he even admitted that he sees the time no spent with me as his freedom to drink. That hurt when he said that, but I've always known it to be true. He associates me with not drinking and being a "buzzkill and taking the fun out of everything" as he once said.
He says by losing me hes losing the best thing that ever happened to him, i gave him reason to be alive etc etc... but its not enough is it. I don't mean that to sound like that, but what I mean is I'm not enough to make him want to be better enough and permanently. I'm a temporary fix and then a few days later, he'll make excuses not to see me so he can go for a drink.

I hadn;t contacted him for a few days b/c i was just tired. IWC, in fact, your last post in your topic summed it all up for me.. i'm mentally and physically drained of it al.. I don't want alcohol to play such a big part of my everyday life. After him being wasted the other night, i wasn't even mad. I couldn't get angry, I couldn't get upset with him.. I was just... nothing. Blank. Floating thru the days with no emotion. It was easier bc i didnt see him either.. but last night seeing him, it was difficult to even look at him. I go weak, I want to be with him.

His doc referred him to a psychiatrist and he'll be meeting with them in a few weeks time. He said he can't do it without me, he sees no purpose otherwise. But i told him he cant do it for me, it has to be for himself. I felt awful saying that. And seeing him crying and saying that he's losing his life. career etc.

so at the moment, I'm not good. Sorry for the rant.. but this is all raw as it happened last nite and the thoughts ar eall just coming out.
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Old 06-18-2010, 03:32 AM
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skope,

If you want to get better, I recommend you stop talking to this guy.
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Old 06-18-2010, 04:53 AM
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skope - I'm sorry you are not good at the moment. I hope things will get better for you. I'm still struck by how our ABF's both say exactly the same thing - mine let me down yesterday and I am so angry and fed up with him. He hasn't been that drunk for ages and I was able to deal with it a lot better by telling him I was angry and leaving the situation alone. I'm very angry today still and he's feelign guilty and ill and humble, promising the same old crap. I thought he was gettign somewhere but it's right back to the beginning again.

I hope that if you've decided to leave the relationship that you will get some help for you and stick to your decision. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
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