partner has alcoholism + depression..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 54
partner has alcoholism + depression..
Hiya, hoping someone can help me, kinda very close to a breakdown here.
I'll try to brief but it may drag on. Thank you to those who are kind enough to read to the end.
Jist of it..I was just coming out of a relationship, Then I met a guy at work.. was instantly attracted to him, and we got together. Thing is after that 4 yr relationship that i had come out of, i always had thought i would move back home! I never thought I'd meet someone else. And, me thinking i was doing the right thing, told work guy that thats what my life plan was n this could never be serious. Of course this lead to arguements but we just kinda bypassed it. He would always want to see me every evening/every weekend, as normal couples do. But as I had started to develop rally strong feelings for him, i ended up pushing him away and fighting the urge to see him and spend time with him.
More I spent time with him the more i realised i wanted to be with him also.. He's the first man I've kissed since a guy at uni that when i kissed him he made my knees go weak..we can make each other laugh till we're peeing ourselves..he still gives me butterflies when i see him.. i turn into a little school girl around him and find him oh so fit! Even hearing his voice can make me lose concentration on everything..I've never felt that way about anyone. We fit together so well. I could see myself with him forever, father of my kids.. coming home to him was the greatest feeling and i wanted that to look forward to.
however, between getting together and realising i was falling in love with him.. it started to become clear that he may have a alcohol dependency and that mixed with anxiety and depression don't make a good mix. I've never been scared of him doing anything violent, just very scared to see him like that and overwhelmed. And it would be these times where his critical side would come out.. "i'm just goin to leave him for someone better, i'm too beautiful to be with someone like him, i should be with someone taller, handsome, richer. I didn't like him enough at the start, and now all of a sudden i'm in love with him". Without going into detail, his depression seems to stem from things ex-gfs (and ex wife) have said/done..even his parents and friends. And he just assumed i was going to the feel the same as them. There have been many suicide threats and talks. Even tho, there was me telling him how much i loved him, wanted to be with him and fought for us to stay together.
We would break up after he'd go drinking, call me and pick a fight.. cos id say i couldnt do it anymore then we'd make up when he realised what happened, be it the next day.. or week. But I know everytime we were apart i was a wreck.
After a year or so of this up and down.. he still drinks everyday... he says one or two pints is an improvement from his 10 a day that he used to do..he still smokes 20 a day and eats takeaways and oven pizzas for dinner.. During times when we've had our heart to hearst and long talks about life.love etc.. he says he knows his lifestyle is bad and is killing him and it's only recently that he's started counselling. He'd say things like he wants to stop the drinking and smoking (and wnet 3 weeks cold turkey with it, which i advised him against of and i was right as it ended up in him goin in overload) and improve his fitness and diet cos he feels fat and ugly.. but he never did anything about it. His claim is, he alreayd did that with his ex wife and look where it got him, a divorced
And when he's drunk and somethings happened to upset him, he'll say he doesn't want kids cos he doesnt want to pass on his genes, he doesn't want to give up his life to start worrying about mortgages and school catchment areas and he doesn't deserve a future, he shouldn't be here and he only hurts ppl over and over.
He even decided, hat he would cut me and other ppl he keeps hurting out of his life, for "my own good" as he just keeps hurting me and thought it best for me.
I told him whats best for me is for him to sort himself out and get his act together basically. Realise that i love him despite all these negative images he has of himself, that i don't want better than him and that he can have a future if he just fixes himself up.
I get upset that maybe i'm not good enough or he doesn't love me enough to want to change and make an effort, but cos i have seen how happy we can be and we've both been walking on clouds at times.. and he;s told me how lucky he feels to have me..so i must be worth something??
And then i get angry cos i wish i could just shake him and say sort yourself out and grow up! stop feeling so sorry for yourself and realise that you're throwing away your life!
He knows he has depression and is on medication for it, but he hasn't found a medication that is working.. they all have diff side effects which seems to make him worse. The ones he's on right now for example, he says he just feels inner nger and rage all the time.
He admits he has an alcohol addiction... sometimes. But then other times, it's my fault for "not coming from the same culture and not understanding that this is what men do."
How do i help him and support him with his depression and alcoholism? The depression i'm trying to support him by giving him space, (which is extremely difficult when he's sending me suicidial texts) but the alcohol addiction? I dont know how to deal with this cos he ends up either hiding it from me or blaming me for not wanting to drink.
thanks in advance
I'll try to brief but it may drag on. Thank you to those who are kind enough to read to the end.
Jist of it..I was just coming out of a relationship, Then I met a guy at work.. was instantly attracted to him, and we got together. Thing is after that 4 yr relationship that i had come out of, i always had thought i would move back home! I never thought I'd meet someone else. And, me thinking i was doing the right thing, told work guy that thats what my life plan was n this could never be serious. Of course this lead to arguements but we just kinda bypassed it. He would always want to see me every evening/every weekend, as normal couples do. But as I had started to develop rally strong feelings for him, i ended up pushing him away and fighting the urge to see him and spend time with him.
More I spent time with him the more i realised i wanted to be with him also.. He's the first man I've kissed since a guy at uni that when i kissed him he made my knees go weak..we can make each other laugh till we're peeing ourselves..he still gives me butterflies when i see him.. i turn into a little school girl around him and find him oh so fit! Even hearing his voice can make me lose concentration on everything..I've never felt that way about anyone. We fit together so well. I could see myself with him forever, father of my kids.. coming home to him was the greatest feeling and i wanted that to look forward to.
however, between getting together and realising i was falling in love with him.. it started to become clear that he may have a alcohol dependency and that mixed with anxiety and depression don't make a good mix. I've never been scared of him doing anything violent, just very scared to see him like that and overwhelmed. And it would be these times where his critical side would come out.. "i'm just goin to leave him for someone better, i'm too beautiful to be with someone like him, i should be with someone taller, handsome, richer. I didn't like him enough at the start, and now all of a sudden i'm in love with him". Without going into detail, his depression seems to stem from things ex-gfs (and ex wife) have said/done..even his parents and friends. And he just assumed i was going to the feel the same as them. There have been many suicide threats and talks. Even tho, there was me telling him how much i loved him, wanted to be with him and fought for us to stay together.
We would break up after he'd go drinking, call me and pick a fight.. cos id say i couldnt do it anymore then we'd make up when he realised what happened, be it the next day.. or week. But I know everytime we were apart i was a wreck.
After a year or so of this up and down.. he still drinks everyday... he says one or two pints is an improvement from his 10 a day that he used to do..he still smokes 20 a day and eats takeaways and oven pizzas for dinner.. During times when we've had our heart to hearst and long talks about life.love etc.. he says he knows his lifestyle is bad and is killing him and it's only recently that he's started counselling. He'd say things like he wants to stop the drinking and smoking (and wnet 3 weeks cold turkey with it, which i advised him against of and i was right as it ended up in him goin in overload) and improve his fitness and diet cos he feels fat and ugly.. but he never did anything about it. His claim is, he alreayd did that with his ex wife and look where it got him, a divorced
And when he's drunk and somethings happened to upset him, he'll say he doesn't want kids cos he doesnt want to pass on his genes, he doesn't want to give up his life to start worrying about mortgages and school catchment areas and he doesn't deserve a future, he shouldn't be here and he only hurts ppl over and over.
He even decided, hat he would cut me and other ppl he keeps hurting out of his life, for "my own good" as he just keeps hurting me and thought it best for me.
I told him whats best for me is for him to sort himself out and get his act together basically. Realise that i love him despite all these negative images he has of himself, that i don't want better than him and that he can have a future if he just fixes himself up.
I get upset that maybe i'm not good enough or he doesn't love me enough to want to change and make an effort, but cos i have seen how happy we can be and we've both been walking on clouds at times.. and he;s told me how lucky he feels to have me..so i must be worth something??
And then i get angry cos i wish i could just shake him and say sort yourself out and grow up! stop feeling so sorry for yourself and realise that you're throwing away your life!
He knows he has depression and is on medication for it, but he hasn't found a medication that is working.. they all have diff side effects which seems to make him worse. The ones he's on right now for example, he says he just feels inner nger and rage all the time.
He admits he has an alcohol addiction... sometimes. But then other times, it's my fault for "not coming from the same culture and not understanding that this is what men do."
How do i help him and support him with his depression and alcoholism? The depression i'm trying to support him by giving him space, (which is extremely difficult when he's sending me suicidial texts) but the alcohol addiction? I dont know how to deal with this cos he ends up either hiding it from me or blaming me for not wanting to drink.
thanks in advance
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You will find information and support for yourself here. I find lots of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. I also find lots of support at Alanon meetings. Alanon meetings are based on the same 12 steps as AA, but are taylored for friends and family of addicted loved ones.
Through Alanon and this site I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I will not cure the addiction.
Your bf's addiction is his. His addiction is his responsibility. He needs professional help or help from other recovering addicts. He is an adult and needs to be given responsibility for his choices. Alcoholics need enablers to keep them from feeling the consequences for their actions. They want someone to always tell them it will be better next time and they are forgiven. Enabling an alcoholic will keep them from reaching their bottom and taking responsibility for their actions. ( I am a recovering alcoholic)
Alcohol is a depressant. Anti-depressants and alcohol do not mix. Your bf will not cure his depression with pills as long as he is washing it down with alcohol. My alcoholism just kept feeding my depression.
What do you want from your life? What are your dreams for your future?
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting. We are here to support you as you take care of yourself and live your life to its fullest!
You will find information and support for yourself here. I find lots of wisdom in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum. I also find lots of support at Alanon meetings. Alanon meetings are based on the same 12 steps as AA, but are taylored for friends and family of addicted loved ones.
Through Alanon and this site I learned about the three C's of addiction:
I did not cause the addiction
I can not control the addiction
I will not cure the addiction.
Your bf's addiction is his. His addiction is his responsibility. He needs professional help or help from other recovering addicts. He is an adult and needs to be given responsibility for his choices. Alcoholics need enablers to keep them from feeling the consequences for their actions. They want someone to always tell them it will be better next time and they are forgiven. Enabling an alcoholic will keep them from reaching their bottom and taking responsibility for their actions. ( I am a recovering alcoholic)
Alcohol is a depressant. Anti-depressants and alcohol do not mix. Your bf will not cure his depression with pills as long as he is washing it down with alcohol. My alcoholism just kept feeding my depression.
What do you want from your life? What are your dreams for your future?
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting. We are here to support you as you take care of yourself and live your life to its fullest!
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
His medications are rendered useless when he is drinking alcoholically. They work with the chemicals in our brains. You can't work with chemicals that are drowning in alcohol.
That's problem number two. Problem number one is that he's no sober.
His issues run much deeper than you and have nothing to do with you. It sounds like his self-loathing has won him over. I hope you can find some good guidance here. I have.
That's problem number two. Problem number one is that he's no sober.
His issues run much deeper than you and have nothing to do with you. It sounds like his self-loathing has won him over. I hope you can find some good guidance here. I have.
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Welcome, I just signed up a week ago and have seen more clearly from reading, listening, posting and trying to go NC. The one thing that your relationship mirrors of everyones is the drama, or the blaming. There may even be lies the more you step away.
I think us codependants/enablers are not very strong in putting our foot down and establishing respect. What do you think would be his reaction if you did that? I never did because I wanted to show unconditional love. I believe they target us personality types!
I'm mad tonight, or growing through an anger stage so I'll stop there. Thank you for posting and you made it through step 1. You are here!
I think us codependants/enablers are not very strong in putting our foot down and establishing respect. What do you think would be his reaction if you did that? I never did because I wanted to show unconditional love. I believe they target us personality types!
I'm mad tonight, or growing through an anger stage so I'll stop there. Thank you for posting and you made it through step 1. You are here!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I feel you; I really do. My husband is depressed sometimes and has drinking issues.
The crazy message I am coming to accept is - he's not going to change.
That takes a heck of a lot of...something! to digest.
He's not going to change.
No amount of expressing myself or sharing my feelings and concerns or support of him or anything I do or do not say or do is going to change him.
He will or will not change when HE is ready to and he is obviously not ready to or he would be working to change.
Deep, huh?
So, what I have right now (that I don't like) in him is what I get.
In addition, alcoholism is progressive. So chances are, it will get worse. Alcoholics symptoms vary. Some lie or sneak or get mean or get depressed or get irresponsible or a million other things.
Whatever those symptoms are, chances are, they will get worse with time.
So what I have right now (that I don't like) in my partner, is what I get...or worse.
And that's it. The end of the thought process.
All that's left is to fully accept that.
It doesn't happen overnight for most of us!!
Meanwhile, we are here for you to process all that with hugs along the way.
Peace
The crazy message I am coming to accept is - he's not going to change.
That takes a heck of a lot of...something! to digest.
He's not going to change.
No amount of expressing myself or sharing my feelings and concerns or support of him or anything I do or do not say or do is going to change him.
He will or will not change when HE is ready to and he is obviously not ready to or he would be working to change.
Deep, huh?
So, what I have right now (that I don't like) in him is what I get.
In addition, alcoholism is progressive. So chances are, it will get worse. Alcoholics symptoms vary. Some lie or sneak or get mean or get depressed or get irresponsible or a million other things.
Whatever those symptoms are, chances are, they will get worse with time.
So what I have right now (that I don't like) in my partner, is what I get...or worse.
And that's it. The end of the thought process.
All that's left is to fully accept that.
It doesn't happen overnight for most of us!!
Meanwhile, we are here for you to process all that with hugs along the way.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
No amount of expressing myself or sharing my feelings and concerns or support of him or anything I do or do not say or do is going to change him.
No doubt the peace you seek is very close now.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
realize that his issues are huge. if he truly has depression, that is an illness which needs treatment just as hypertension or diabetes. yes, you can support him, but that is much different than trying to treat him. so, that must be left to professionals.
alezerin has said it right: if he is drinking, his depression cannot be managed. it a vicious cycle, and it's complicated even without alcohol dependency mixed in.
many, if not most, people with depressive issues at some point in their lives try and self-medicate. this clearly does not work. so, again, it's a cycle.
please keep coming to this fourm - you can post as much as you like, and it's open 24 hours a day. also please consider joining al-anon - a group for people who love someone who is addicted.
about your feelings: it is possible that your wild feelings are simply due to the infatuation stage at the beginning few months of an intense relationship. it is also possible that you are a bit "addicted" to this man. there is much to learn, so i hope you keep coming back!
alezerin has said it right: if he is drinking, his depression cannot be managed. it a vicious cycle, and it's complicated even without alcohol dependency mixed in.
many, if not most, people with depressive issues at some point in their lives try and self-medicate. this clearly does not work. so, again, it's a cycle.
please keep coming to this fourm - you can post as much as you like, and it's open 24 hours a day. also please consider joining al-anon - a group for people who love someone who is addicted.
about your feelings: it is possible that your wild feelings are simply due to the infatuation stage at the beginning few months of an intense relationship. it is also possible that you are a bit "addicted" to this man. there is much to learn, so i hope you keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Thanks, Beth. My first reaction is to laugh at how "not advanced" I feel, but I am plugging away (and working on accepting the compliment with grace!)
One can only hope I keep on keeping on!!
Hugs.
sorry!!
One can only hope I keep on keeping on!!
Hugs.
sorry!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Skope,
I have a major depressive disorder and I am a recovering alcoholic. I understand self-medicating for depression, I did it myself for years. My experience has been that no medication in this world will help with the depression without giving up the alcohol. The two cannot work together for me to get well. When I stopped drinking, in about 4 to 6 weeks, the sun started to come out, truly I felt better. Better than I ever had in my life.
I just want you to know that you are completely out of your depth trying to help him get better with his depression and his alcoholism. He needs psychiatrists and maybe some talk therapy combined to treat the depression, and he must stop drinking. He will need expert help with that too, whether with an addiction specialist or a group of other alcoholics gathered together to keep each other sober.
You have already gotten a taste life with a depressed alcoholic, and I can't imagine how painful it must be to hear him threaten suicide or abandoning you depending on the mood of the moment. Please get help for yourself, you must strengthen your own reserves in order to live with his illness if that is what you choose to do. Go to Alanon, get some truth about what you are up against. Remember, it is not on you to cure him, you can't do it.
Beth
I have a major depressive disorder and I am a recovering alcoholic. I understand self-medicating for depression, I did it myself for years. My experience has been that no medication in this world will help with the depression without giving up the alcohol. The two cannot work together for me to get well. When I stopped drinking, in about 4 to 6 weeks, the sun started to come out, truly I felt better. Better than I ever had in my life.
I just want you to know that you are completely out of your depth trying to help him get better with his depression and his alcoholism. He needs psychiatrists and maybe some talk therapy combined to treat the depression, and he must stop drinking. He will need expert help with that too, whether with an addiction specialist or a group of other alcoholics gathered together to keep each other sober.
You have already gotten a taste life with a depressed alcoholic, and I can't imagine how painful it must be to hear him threaten suicide or abandoning you depending on the mood of the moment. Please get help for yourself, you must strengthen your own reserves in order to live with his illness if that is what you choose to do. Go to Alanon, get some truth about what you are up against. Remember, it is not on you to cure him, you can't do it.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
My ABF sounds quite similar – he also has depression and has suffered for many many years. He often asks me to give him space too when he is extra low, and his medication doesn’t help much although until he stops drinking he won’t really know that. I too came here looking for ways to help him but i have been told many times that i can’t help him and i have to try to look into my own recovery (which i didn’t know i needed to until i arrived here). I want to shake him and shout at him to grow up and sort himself out too but it doesn’t work. I still ask him to stop drinking and i know i shouldn’t. I’m just starting to sort out some boundaries and am going to discuss with him how I can’t go on like this much longer while he is not seeking recovery. ‘I’m trying’ just isn’t going to cut it much longer I’m afraid.
Feel free to private message me if you want, as our stories sound quite similar. I don’t have many words of advice for you but i know you’ll find lots on here.
Feel free to private message me if you want, as our stories sound quite similar. I don’t have many words of advice for you but i know you’ll find lots on here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 54
hi
thank you for your replies, i'm shocked and disappointed at how close your situations are to mine..but it was an eyeopener too.
I need some quick advice. The last week or so has been great, he's only been having one drink or replacing his normal drink for shandys..and this has been great. We're getting along so much better and he seemed better for it.
I had a situation begin last wk where it turned out i was being harassed by a male friend of mine and the police were involved altho no charges made. This frightened me alot, esp as the guy knows where i live n that i live alone.
Bf has been great, very supportive as we only found out who was the culprit a couple of days ago. He said he didn't want me staying alone etc.
Yesterday was his friends bday dinner and i wasn't up for it but wanted him to go. We had a quick heated discussion as to how he saw the nite going. I didn't want to tell him what to do or how much to drink, so told him to do what he wants to do as i don't want to hold him back from having a good time with friends. He didn't know how to take it and things got heated. I said go but i need you. So he said ok he'll see what happens.
He came back around 5 hours later drunk, couldn't stand still and couldn't focus his eyes on me so i brushed him off and a fight started. He says i don't tell him what i want from him, that i'm a liar as i never said i needed him, that i always have a problem with one little drink, that i'm never happy and he started hyperventilating cos i was never happy with what he did. He got so so angry and "freaked out" that i'd "lied to his face about saying i needed him".
He slept on the sofa and will prob be awake soon. How do i handle this without making it worse? How do i show him that i didn't lie?
thank you for your replies, i'm shocked and disappointed at how close your situations are to mine..but it was an eyeopener too.
I need some quick advice. The last week or so has been great, he's only been having one drink or replacing his normal drink for shandys..and this has been great. We're getting along so much better and he seemed better for it.
I had a situation begin last wk where it turned out i was being harassed by a male friend of mine and the police were involved altho no charges made. This frightened me alot, esp as the guy knows where i live n that i live alone.
Bf has been great, very supportive as we only found out who was the culprit a couple of days ago. He said he didn't want me staying alone etc.
Yesterday was his friends bday dinner and i wasn't up for it but wanted him to go. We had a quick heated discussion as to how he saw the nite going. I didn't want to tell him what to do or how much to drink, so told him to do what he wants to do as i don't want to hold him back from having a good time with friends. He didn't know how to take it and things got heated. I said go but i need you. So he said ok he'll see what happens.
He came back around 5 hours later drunk, couldn't stand still and couldn't focus his eyes on me so i brushed him off and a fight started. He says i don't tell him what i want from him, that i'm a liar as i never said i needed him, that i always have a problem with one little drink, that i'm never happy and he started hyperventilating cos i was never happy with what he did. He got so so angry and "freaked out" that i'd "lied to his face about saying i needed him".
He slept on the sofa and will prob be awake soon. How do i handle this without making it worse? How do i show him that i didn't lie?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Aww, honey! It's hard to be in a situation like yours!!
It is hard also, in the beginning, to hear what people are telling you.
Go back and read people's replies.
Remember the 3 c's.
You did not cause this.
You can not cure this.
You can't even change this.
He is HIS OWN person who sometimes is fabulous and sometimes is crummy.
There is no magic ticket to get him to
understand
get it
see the light
change
do things differently
get help
apologize
grow up
want to be different
understand your pain
stop drinking
drink less
or be different IN ANY WAY.
He is who he is and he'll change when and if he is ever interested (which is not now).
All your upset doesn't help change him or help make you happy.
All you can do is accept he is this way
and keep asking if the way he is works for you.
You matter. Your needs matter. I hear you saying you don't like being treated this way.
I'll also say, as far as what to do now... There are many of us that did everything in our power for a long time to make it better, keep him calm, not start a fight, etc. etc. etc.
I finally realized that it's not my job to manage, fix, help, change, influence, baby, protect HIM.
It's my job to take care of me.
My H is a grown man that can do what he wants and I'll do and say what feels right for me and he can do whatever he wants with me being genuine.
No more walking on eggshells/pussyfooting around for me!
Stick around and keep updating us!
Read the stickies at the top of the forum and pick up a copy of Codependent No More.
Hugs, peace
It is hard also, in the beginning, to hear what people are telling you.
Go back and read people's replies.
Remember the 3 c's.
You did not cause this.
You can not cure this.
You can't even change this.
He is HIS OWN person who sometimes is fabulous and sometimes is crummy.
There is no magic ticket to get him to
understand
get it
see the light
change
do things differently
get help
apologize
grow up
want to be different
understand your pain
stop drinking
drink less
or be different IN ANY WAY.
He is who he is and he'll change when and if he is ever interested (which is not now).
All your upset doesn't help change him or help make you happy.
All you can do is accept he is this way
and keep asking if the way he is works for you.
You matter. Your needs matter. I hear you saying you don't like being treated this way.
I'll also say, as far as what to do now... There are many of us that did everything in our power for a long time to make it better, keep him calm, not start a fight, etc. etc. etc.
I finally realized that it's not my job to manage, fix, help, change, influence, baby, protect HIM.
It's my job to take care of me.
My H is a grown man that can do what he wants and I'll do and say what feels right for me and he can do whatever he wants with me being genuine.
No more walking on eggshells/pussyfooting around for me!
Stick around and keep updating us!
Read the stickies at the top of the forum and pick up a copy of Codependent No More.
Hugs, peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by skope 
hi
How do i handle this without making it worse? How do i show him that i didn't lie?
How do i handle this without making it worse? How do i show him that i didn't lie?
"Consciously or unconsciously, the alcoholic is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. If met by angry, hostile attacks the image is verified. The alcoholic then justifies the past drinking in his mind and now has an additional excuse to drink in the future. Losing one's temper destroys the chance to help at that moment." A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic (Al-anon pamphlet)
If you confront him, he has another excuse to drink. If you have an argument then it confirms his low self worth and gives him an excuse to drink. If you beg for him to realize you are not lying, he has got you where he can manipulate and he will use it as an excuse to drink. The only way to avoid giving him an excuse to drink is to let it go altogether. No fights, no trying to explain, no nothing. Let it go.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
hello Skope and welcome to SR.
I hope you get as much information and support from this forum as I have.
This was true for me too. I had no idea what codependency was or my role in the cycle of behaviour until I read the stickies here , others stories and ready "Codependent No more"
Sweetie, may I challenge you? You know the truth. Why do you have to justify or explain yourself to anyone? Stand tall in your own integrity and dont even go into defence mode. Dont be sitting there waiting for him to wake up, to engage in an impossible converstaion, what a waste of your precious energy.
keep posting here. We are "listening"
I hope you get as much information and support from this forum as I have.
I too came here looking for ways to help him but i have been told many times that i can’t help him and i have to try to look into my own recovery (which i didn’t know i needed to until i arrived here).
How do i show him that i didn't lie?
keep posting here. We are "listening"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi skope-
alcoholics like to blame you for their drinking. everything will be your fault.
really, you probably knew if he went to the party without you he would drink more than a shandy. are you surprised he came home drunk? probably not. are you surprised he then blamed you for his drinking? probably not.
maybe next time, instead of letting him sleep on your couch, send him home to his own house, unless you want more of the same when he wakes up.
as for defending yourself and him understanding you're not a liar, i wouldn't waste your breathe. see, if it's all your fault and you're a liar, then he doesn't have to look at his own behavior. this is much easier for him. to blame you and have another drink.
is there an alanon group where you live? that might help you better understand the dynamic of what's going on and help you refocus on your own life.
naive
alcoholics like to blame you for their drinking. everything will be your fault.
really, you probably knew if he went to the party without you he would drink more than a shandy. are you surprised he came home drunk? probably not. are you surprised he then blamed you for his drinking? probably not.
maybe next time, instead of letting him sleep on your couch, send him home to his own house, unless you want more of the same when he wakes up.
as for defending yourself and him understanding you're not a liar, i wouldn't waste your breathe. see, if it's all your fault and you're a liar, then he doesn't have to look at his own behavior. this is much easier for him. to blame you and have another drink.
is there an alanon group where you live? that might help you better understand the dynamic of what's going on and help you refocus on your own life.
naive
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
skope - are you sure we're not both dating the same guy?! Your story sounds way too familiar to me. I dont really have any advice other than what has just been said - my progress is very slow and i'm getting to the point where it is just all too much for me being with a ABF. The depression side of things will never get sorted until the alcoholism does, and that wont get sorted until he wants it to. We can shout and scream and beg until we're blue in the face (and I do!) but it seems to make no difference. I dont want to be the nagging boring GF, always harping on about alcohol, but that is what I have become. Its so tiresome. I wish you luck. Keep posting - it is interesting to hear your story
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by skope
hi
How do i handle this without making it worse? How do i show him that i didn't lie?
How do i handle this without making it worse? How do i show him that i didn't lie?
I understand the hopefulness of him cutting back on the drinking, having those heart-to-heart talks, feeling really connected and believing him when he thinks he is getting better.
But it's just a band-aid on a gash that needs stitches. There is no way it will do the trick, the wound will just keep opening up and bleeding all over the place, til he gets it taken care of the right way.
Honey, this man is an Alcoholic. Plain and simple. He drinks compulsively. He can arrest this disease, but never will he not be alcoholic.
Never will he not struggle with depression/suicidal thoughts, until he takes care of the primary disease, then tackles the depression.
You are in deep. The power of the feelings you have for him trump your good sense. But there is hope. Please continue to come to this site, and consider asking him for a little break.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
i've had the same great advice from coffeedrinker and others on here, and it really does help, even if you dont feel strong enough to put it all into action.
on the subject of taking a break - I'd probabyl benefit from that too, but its sooo scary. I'm scared he'll jump into bed with someone else and just give up on us. In a way though, if he did do that, then i'd find out exactly how much i do mean to him - not much at all. its still too scary for me right now, even though we have only been together about a year and dont live together. I got involved (too involved) early on, and its hard to take a step back.
on the subject of taking a break - I'd probabyl benefit from that too, but its sooo scary. I'm scared he'll jump into bed with someone else and just give up on us. In a way though, if he did do that, then i'd find out exactly how much i do mean to him - not much at all. its still too scary for me right now, even though we have only been together about a year and dont live together. I got involved (too involved) early on, and its hard to take a step back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Since you've asked, I'll give you the blunt answer based on my own experience:
The only way you can maybe help him is by taking a step back. Let him deal with it himself.
I know you're thinking yeah, right, but.., but..., but... In a heart of it there are no buts about it. You can read all the posts ever written here, but when it comes to help that's the bottom line that comes from them all.
It's hard, it sounds impossible, I know, I've spent too many years of my life trying to help, and I've realized, as mentioned by many on this forum, what we consider to be help can acctually contribute to problem.
It took me long time to understand this: In my relationship with my AH there are two things that needed to be understood by two separate people
- He needed to understand and see he has a problem and needs to take steps to solve it, but he can only do that himself
- I needed to understand and see he can only do it himself.
Understanding it makes life much easier to bear.
Many people have told me this over the years in many different ways. It took an awfully long time for me to have it sink in. We all walk at our own pace. I hope your's will be faster than mine was.
Wish you well
The only way you can maybe help him is by taking a step back. Let him deal with it himself.
I know you're thinking yeah, right, but.., but..., but... In a heart of it there are no buts about it. You can read all the posts ever written here, but when it comes to help that's the bottom line that comes from them all.
It's hard, it sounds impossible, I know, I've spent too many years of my life trying to help, and I've realized, as mentioned by many on this forum, what we consider to be help can acctually contribute to problem.
It took me long time to understand this: In my relationship with my AH there are two things that needed to be understood by two separate people
- He needed to understand and see he has a problem and needs to take steps to solve it, but he can only do that himself
- I needed to understand and see he can only do it himself.
Understanding it makes life much easier to bear.
Many people have told me this over the years in many different ways. It took an awfully long time for me to have it sink in. We all walk at our own pace. I hope your's will be faster than mine was.
Wish you well
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Spent years doing all the crazy and useless things to "keep him happy, quiet, sober", etc; and to stop him being annoyed, angry and upset. Nothing worked, nor did all the begging, yelling, cold tongue, or running after, stop him having a drink or 40, when and if he wanted a drink.
When I actually followed thru on my promise to let RABF fend for himself, it caused such misery and discomfort for him, that he finally went for help to quit.
Now he has not only remained sober, he also quit smoking his 50 cigarettes a day by going cold turkey, and WE have had no smokes for 11 weeks.
I am sorry you are in that place where you need to come here for help, and hope you get what you need in knowledge, as well as loving support.
God bless
When I actually followed thru on my promise to let RABF fend for himself, it caused such misery and discomfort for him, that he finally went for help to quit.
Now he has not only remained sober, he also quit smoking his 50 cigarettes a day by going cold turkey, and WE have had no smokes for 11 weeks.
I am sorry you are in that place where you need to come here for help, and hope you get what you need in knowledge, as well as loving support.
God bless
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