partner has alcoholism + depression..
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I will tell you something personal IWC;
My 41yr old sister died from 'FAILURE of the liver" due to alcoholism (that is what is on her death certificate) given by the State Coroners Office. Official you know! Alcohol killed her and I never in a million years thought that would happen. You know this stuff never happens to us, only to others.
Now to get to the point:
At her funeral, her boyfriend (at this time) was there, (you know, he knew her better than anyone, better than us) we just didnt understand her. We had beautiful pictures of her from birth to 41. I wrote about her life, all the things she had done and what she loved.
When everyone got together afterwards he came up to me and this is what he said. "I never really knew Julie at all, I didnt know alll that, she never told me!"
You see, he thought he loved the real Julie, but he knew the sick Julie. A woman in total turmoil, destroying her life with alcohol. He 'believed' he was going to change her, that she was going to change. Stop drinking.
If you really believe that your bf is going to stop drinking, let him do it on his own., without you. If you really love him, let him recover and do it on his own. While you are there, magically believing in him, and fantasing over what 'could be' you are living in lala land.
One thing I learned is that, I should listen to my head, not my heart. Emotions try to tell our head things that arent 'real'. Our head is trying to tell us things that are 'real' but its whether we want to accept it or not. You simply can not change the choices other people make, no matter what they tell you. If you try to listen to your head, i mean really listen to what you are telling yourself, the choices you make will matter and change your own happiness.
My 41yr old sister died from 'FAILURE of the liver" due to alcoholism (that is what is on her death certificate) given by the State Coroners Office. Official you know! Alcohol killed her and I never in a million years thought that would happen. You know this stuff never happens to us, only to others.
Now to get to the point:
At her funeral, her boyfriend (at this time) was there, (you know, he knew her better than anyone, better than us) we just didnt understand her. We had beautiful pictures of her from birth to 41. I wrote about her life, all the things she had done and what she loved.
When everyone got together afterwards he came up to me and this is what he said. "I never really knew Julie at all, I didnt know alll that, she never told me!"
You see, he thought he loved the real Julie, but he knew the sick Julie. A woman in total turmoil, destroying her life with alcohol. He 'believed' he was going to change her, that she was going to change. Stop drinking.
If you really believe that your bf is going to stop drinking, let him do it on his own., without you. If you really love him, let him recover and do it on his own. While you are there, magically believing in him, and fantasing over what 'could be' you are living in lala land.
One thing I learned is that, I should listen to my head, not my heart. Emotions try to tell our head things that arent 'real'. Our head is trying to tell us things that are 'real' but its whether we want to accept it or not. You simply can not change the choices other people make, no matter what they tell you. If you try to listen to your head, i mean really listen to what you are telling yourself, the choices you make will matter and change your own happiness.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
I really do believe he will get himself sorted out.
he's living his life exactly as he sees fit. meanwhile yours is on hold, wanting him to live his life as YOU see fit. have you considered how arrogant it is to demand somebody else change their lives just cuz WE want them to? so that WE can feel better? have you considered what a grandiose notion it is that we have the solutions for somebody else's life, meanwhile do not put any of those solutions to use in OUR OWN LIVES? sometimes we need a big dose of humility to get down to right size and get on with the business of conducting our own affairs, to the best of our ability, instead of trying to live thru another, to make them our puppet on string, doing our bidding.
he's living his life exactly as he sees fit. meanwhile yours is on hold, wanting him to live his life as YOU see fit. have you considered how arrogant it is to demand somebody else change their lives just cuz WE want them to? so that WE can feel better? have you considered what a grandiose notion it is that we have the solutions for somebody else's life, meanwhile do not put any of those solutions to use in OUR OWN LIVES? sometimes we need a big dose of humility to get down to right size and get on with the business of conducting our own affairs, to the best of our ability, instead of trying to live thru another, to make them our puppet on string, doing our bidding.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Absolutely Devon. I have found that suffering has been my greatest teacher. She is patient and persistent. If you don't learn the lessons, she repeats them again and again.
It wasn't until I decided I didn't want to take that class again that I finally decided to pay attention!
L
It wasn't until I decided I didn't want to take that class again that I finally decided to pay attention!
L
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
take care of you
Been reading this morning, and I just want to say to you Skope, try letting go for a day, take care of you.
My situation was so much like yours, but I moved in my with my ABF. Love of my life, my soulmate. I refused to move in until he went to AA. So he went to AA, but drank anyway. Sneaking, and lying about it, and when confronted, making me feel like he had to drink because I did not trust him. Crazy making; after some months together...sometimes so wonderful, but I was always on edge because even though he didn't drink everyday, I never knew when he would, or what he'd be like when he came home. I was a wreck.
I found Al Anon, and ultimately I told him that I knew he was drinking, and that I would leave if he did not get help. So he told me get out. That simple, my soul mate. I thought I'd die. I have never been in so much pain.
But I have good friends, and I was amazed by how they supported me, helped me move...that very day. I found a place to live, and every time my ABF texted me to say how miserable he was, I replied...go to AA, call a friend from AA...they can help you. And that's all I said.
It took some time, but I stopped crying. I knew I could have him back, but I didn't want him back if he was drinking, plain and simple.
He has been sober now for almost 5 months, and we have just begun to see one another again. Not often, just spending some time. We shall see. One day at a time. I am stronger, thanks to Al Anon. I love him, he's trying. I still get the butterflies too. I pray for him to be successful in his recovery, but I know now that I will be ok, no matter what. I've been through hell, but I am ok. I like being on my own, I have peace and calm in my life.
I do not need him to be happy, but if he is healthy and sober, maybe someday we can have a future. I will leave that up to my HP
My situation was so much like yours, but I moved in my with my ABF. Love of my life, my soulmate. I refused to move in until he went to AA. So he went to AA, but drank anyway. Sneaking, and lying about it, and when confronted, making me feel like he had to drink because I did not trust him. Crazy making; after some months together...sometimes so wonderful, but I was always on edge because even though he didn't drink everyday, I never knew when he would, or what he'd be like when he came home. I was a wreck.
I found Al Anon, and ultimately I told him that I knew he was drinking, and that I would leave if he did not get help. So he told me get out. That simple, my soul mate. I thought I'd die. I have never been in so much pain.
But I have good friends, and I was amazed by how they supported me, helped me move...that very day. I found a place to live, and every time my ABF texted me to say how miserable he was, I replied...go to AA, call a friend from AA...they can help you. And that's all I said.
It took some time, but I stopped crying. I knew I could have him back, but I didn't want him back if he was drinking, plain and simple.
He has been sober now for almost 5 months, and we have just begun to see one another again. Not often, just spending some time. We shall see. One day at a time. I am stronger, thanks to Al Anon. I love him, he's trying. I still get the butterflies too. I pray for him to be successful in his recovery, but I know now that I will be ok, no matter what. I've been through hell, but I am ok. I like being on my own, I have peace and calm in my life.
I do not need him to be happy, but if he is healthy and sober, maybe someday we can have a future. I will leave that up to my HP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 54
Hi guys...
I know its been a while since i came online.. well we broke up this week. And can you believe it wasn't b/c of alcohol it was cos he was so stressed out with work, he took it out on me and couldnt handle when i got stressed out about my stuff too. He had cut down on the drinking so there was that stress on top of it... where he might go and drink to end a bad day at work, now he wasnt so his outlet for frustration was a bit skewed.
I'm not doing evry good... feel physically sick. It doesnt feel like we've done the right thing. After staying togther this long and working on the relationship, we let one lil thing get blown out of proportion and thats what you base the ending of a relationship on? It seems so stupid.
I know its been a while since i came online.. well we broke up this week. And can you believe it wasn't b/c of alcohol it was cos he was so stressed out with work, he took it out on me and couldnt handle when i got stressed out about my stuff too. He had cut down on the drinking so there was that stress on top of it... where he might go and drink to end a bad day at work, now he wasnt so his outlet for frustration was a bit skewed.
I'm not doing evry good... feel physically sick. It doesnt feel like we've done the right thing. After staying togther this long and working on the relationship, we let one lil thing get blown out of proportion and thats what you base the ending of a relationship on? It seems so stupid.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
This too shall pass. I have been in a similar place myself, quite recently. My friends told me it gets better- and it does.
6 weeks ago I ended my marriage. Today we are both working our recoveries from across the world (he in the USA and me in the UK) and the situation has changed quite a lot. Take each day at a time, look after yourself, don't expect things to feel right - because they won't for a while yet.
((hugs))
6 weeks ago I ended my marriage. Today we are both working our recoveries from across the world (he in the USA and me in the UK) and the situation has changed quite a lot. Take each day at a time, look after yourself, don't expect things to feel right - because they won't for a while yet.
((hugs))
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