A new future...
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
A new future...
I posted a bit in the past about my struggles with my AW. Back in 2004 I found out about her drinking and the healing began. She went through outpatient but told me later she hated it and told them what they wanted to hear so she could get out. That sobriety lasted about 2 months.
The drinking continued with small areas of sobriety and happiness. April 2009 I found out she had a 6 month affair with my supposed best friend. I was devastated, told her we were done. Prior to my finding out she entered a good healing period, seeing a counselor, on anti-depression meds. I looked at our life and saw the woman I married and decided to give us a shot even though I was in deep pain from the affair. The one thing I told her is my trust had been shattered. I needed complete honesty from her if we were to work out. The next two or three months were fantastic. I felt more in love with her than when we were first married back in 1993. Then the drinking began again and the lies.
About 3-4 weeks ago she got her first DUI. That night I asked her about drinking the night before. She pretended to be upset that I thought she was drinking (lying to me to cover her shame), stormed out of the house. Grabbed a bottle of wine, killed it and got caught doing 75 in a 55 and blew a .20.
I posted her bail, she said I should just leave her, she was beyond healing. As we were walking to the car she tried to step out in front of a bus but I pulled her back and we went home.
Her emotional struggles amplified then. The DUI was devastating to her. "I broke my cardinal rule". I asked where the cardinal rule was for saving her marriage or being sober around the family. She said that wasn't fair. I said it was, family should be first.
Saturday of Labor day weekend we were with my brother and his family. Something was said that upset her and she said she wanted to go home. I told her the rest of the family was having fun and if she wanted to go we would get her a cab. She left in a huff. I found out later, when I couldn't find her, that she started walking the 20 miles home. Turns out she bought vodka, got drunk, sat in the rain outside a restaurant crying and drinking. Cops came, she ran, they tackled her, stiches, bruises, the works. Another call she is in the hospital.
I go to get her that night. More of the same. I can't be healed. I am worthless. You and the kids would be more happy if I were dead. I will just kill myself. I told the nurses and they put her on suicide watch.
I took her home the next day, told her I was most likely going to leave her. The lies were too much and I needed honesty after the affair. Later on my daughter comes up to tell me mom grabbed a hidden bottle and put it in her car. I confronted her. She lies to me and says she has no idea where it came from. I told her our daughter saw her put it there, she says "She sees what you want her to see".
That was the final straw. I told her out of love I could toleate a lot (actually it is just me enabeling) but to call her a liar was it. We were done as a couple.
An hour later I come in the kitchen to find her with a knife threatening to cut her wrists so I can watch her bleed to death. I wrestled the knife away, called the crisis line. She calmed down, refused to check herself in, said she just panicked when she realized she pushed me too far and I was leaving.
Monday I had to take my daughter and son to the parade as they were marching. She was packing her bags to go when I left, lost her purse, phone and glass from the Saturday stint so I felt she was as safe as she could get.
We came home hours later. I heard noise upstairs, found her shaking, unable to form words, etc. Thinking she might be having a nervous breakdown I walked her into the bedroom. There I saw the empty sleeping pill bottles. She took what we can figure to be about 50-70 sleeping pills and half a big bottle of vodka.
A 911 call later and she is in the hospital, stomach being pumped. two days in the psych ward, now she is in 30 day inpatient for detox.
She tells me she can't do this if I won't be there when she gets out. Her mom asked me to not discuss divorce until she gets out but my therapist and hers said it would be best to tell her now while she has no way to get drunk or kill herself.
I will tell her soon, maybe in a day or so. All I know is 16 years of marriage is gone because of her illness and her inability to believe in herself like I did. I still love her, and I always will. I am just not in love with her. I can't be in love with someone I don't trust and I won't stay when I can't trust her ever again. I won't go through 6 months of healing to have her crash and lie again. I need to heal. My kids need to heal. That healing comes from her out of my life. It will be hard, I will struggle but years from now I will look back and be thankful I made this choice and wish I had made it sooner.
Good luck to you all in your struggles with the A's in your life. I hope they never get as low as mine did. Be wary if they threaten it, I thought she would never do it but the disease takes them so low that they don't think straight and death seems like the only option.
Peace ~ Zak
The drinking continued with small areas of sobriety and happiness. April 2009 I found out she had a 6 month affair with my supposed best friend. I was devastated, told her we were done. Prior to my finding out she entered a good healing period, seeing a counselor, on anti-depression meds. I looked at our life and saw the woman I married and decided to give us a shot even though I was in deep pain from the affair. The one thing I told her is my trust had been shattered. I needed complete honesty from her if we were to work out. The next two or three months were fantastic. I felt more in love with her than when we were first married back in 1993. Then the drinking began again and the lies.
About 3-4 weeks ago she got her first DUI. That night I asked her about drinking the night before. She pretended to be upset that I thought she was drinking (lying to me to cover her shame), stormed out of the house. Grabbed a bottle of wine, killed it and got caught doing 75 in a 55 and blew a .20.
I posted her bail, she said I should just leave her, she was beyond healing. As we were walking to the car she tried to step out in front of a bus but I pulled her back and we went home.
Her emotional struggles amplified then. The DUI was devastating to her. "I broke my cardinal rule". I asked where the cardinal rule was for saving her marriage or being sober around the family. She said that wasn't fair. I said it was, family should be first.
Saturday of Labor day weekend we were with my brother and his family. Something was said that upset her and she said she wanted to go home. I told her the rest of the family was having fun and if she wanted to go we would get her a cab. She left in a huff. I found out later, when I couldn't find her, that she started walking the 20 miles home. Turns out she bought vodka, got drunk, sat in the rain outside a restaurant crying and drinking. Cops came, she ran, they tackled her, stiches, bruises, the works. Another call she is in the hospital.
I go to get her that night. More of the same. I can't be healed. I am worthless. You and the kids would be more happy if I were dead. I will just kill myself. I told the nurses and they put her on suicide watch.
I took her home the next day, told her I was most likely going to leave her. The lies were too much and I needed honesty after the affair. Later on my daughter comes up to tell me mom grabbed a hidden bottle and put it in her car. I confronted her. She lies to me and says she has no idea where it came from. I told her our daughter saw her put it there, she says "She sees what you want her to see".
That was the final straw. I told her out of love I could toleate a lot (actually it is just me enabeling) but to call her a liar was it. We were done as a couple.
An hour later I come in the kitchen to find her with a knife threatening to cut her wrists so I can watch her bleed to death. I wrestled the knife away, called the crisis line. She calmed down, refused to check herself in, said she just panicked when she realized she pushed me too far and I was leaving.
Monday I had to take my daughter and son to the parade as they were marching. She was packing her bags to go when I left, lost her purse, phone and glass from the Saturday stint so I felt she was as safe as she could get.
We came home hours later. I heard noise upstairs, found her shaking, unable to form words, etc. Thinking she might be having a nervous breakdown I walked her into the bedroom. There I saw the empty sleeping pill bottles. She took what we can figure to be about 50-70 sleeping pills and half a big bottle of vodka.
A 911 call later and she is in the hospital, stomach being pumped. two days in the psych ward, now she is in 30 day inpatient for detox.
She tells me she can't do this if I won't be there when she gets out. Her mom asked me to not discuss divorce until she gets out but my therapist and hers said it would be best to tell her now while she has no way to get drunk or kill herself.
I will tell her soon, maybe in a day or so. All I know is 16 years of marriage is gone because of her illness and her inability to believe in herself like I did. I still love her, and I always will. I am just not in love with her. I can't be in love with someone I don't trust and I won't stay when I can't trust her ever again. I won't go through 6 months of healing to have her crash and lie again. I need to heal. My kids need to heal. That healing comes from her out of my life. It will be hard, I will struggle but years from now I will look back and be thankful I made this choice and wish I had made it sooner.
Good luck to you all in your struggles with the A's in your life. I hope they never get as low as mine did. Be wary if they threaten it, I thought she would never do it but the disease takes them so low that they don't think straight and death seems like the only option.
Peace ~ Zak
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Zak, about all I can say on the human level is Sorry, Man.
This sounds pretty deep and chronic.
On the more analytical -- are there some prior life problems in her that were never worked on? Have noticed a lot of treatment tends to half-ass that. Not that you "Caused, Control, or can Cure" them, but sometimes understanding "Why" about something goes a long way to helping you deal with it all on your end.
This sounds pretty deep and chronic.
On the more analytical -- are there some prior life problems in her that were never worked on? Have noticed a lot of treatment tends to half-ass that. Not that you "Caused, Control, or can Cure" them, but sometimes understanding "Why" about something goes a long way to helping you deal with it all on your end.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Over the years the focus on her healing changed.
Originally I thought I could save her. Al-anon taught me I can help her but she needs to choose her path.
She would lie to me to avoid my disappointment. When I found out it was always worse because of the lie. She would get herself in these ruts and see no way out but to keep lying then the guilt would sink in and she would drink more.
She tried to tell me she is ready to heal now and I don't love her enough, that is why I want a divorce. I told her that won't work. I am stronger now.
I stuck with her for five years. I stayed after the affair. I believed in us. I believed in her. She never believed in either. I told her all of this.
That Sunday she said if she killed herself I would have to live with the guilt that I failed to save her. I told her I wouldn't feel guilt. I can't watch her 24/7. At some point she has to behave like an adult. Seek help and stop being a child about her illness.
The A will always point the finger away, it's too hard to point it back at themselves and see the pain and suffering they cause.
Originally I thought I could save her. Al-anon taught me I can help her but she needs to choose her path.
She would lie to me to avoid my disappointment. When I found out it was always worse because of the lie. She would get herself in these ruts and see no way out but to keep lying then the guilt would sink in and she would drink more.
She tried to tell me she is ready to heal now and I don't love her enough, that is why I want a divorce. I told her that won't work. I am stronger now.
I stuck with her for five years. I stayed after the affair. I believed in us. I believed in her. She never believed in either. I told her all of this.
That Sunday she said if she killed herself I would have to live with the guilt that I failed to save her. I told her I wouldn't feel guilt. I can't watch her 24/7. At some point she has to behave like an adult. Seek help and stop being a child about her illness.
The A will always point the finger away, it's too hard to point it back at themselves and see the pain and suffering they cause.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh Zak, I am so sorry what you have been going through. You are a strong person to have lived with this and taken care of yourself and your kids through it all. Your girl is messed up to say the least. Sounds typical of addicted people though. Really sorry about the best friend thing too. He's just as sick as she is.
I just want to say that:
(1) Yes, she CAN make it without you there and she HAS TO-We ALL have to "make it" on our own. You come into this world alone, you go out of this world alone.
(2) I wouldn't tell her a thing. You're not going to get anything out of telling her and neither is she. My experience says it's only going to cause more drama for you and the kids. And only make things worse for everyone. Just go on living your life and making the healthiest decisions for you and the kids, and leave her to work on herself.
(3) You being in her life holding her up and putting out her fires is only hurting her.
I just want to say that:
(1) Yes, she CAN make it without you there and she HAS TO-We ALL have to "make it" on our own. You come into this world alone, you go out of this world alone.
(2) I wouldn't tell her a thing. You're not going to get anything out of telling her and neither is she. My experience says it's only going to cause more drama for you and the kids. And only make things worse for everyone. Just go on living your life and making the healthiest decisions for you and the kids, and leave her to work on herself.
(3) You being in her life holding her up and putting out her fires is only hurting her.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome back, Zak,
It's fairly common for addicts to use emotional blackmail to hook enablers.
This is why we say addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages.
The truth of emotional blackmail is that recovering addicts are the best folks to help those who want to recover, and mental health professionals are the best folks to help those with mental health issues. The addict would have you believe otherwise - that it's all on us.
Don't fall for it. None of it is actually on us. The best job we can do is point them to the folks who are the experts, and then get ourselves clear of the mess, and stop listening to the quacking (manipulative words) of the addict.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
It's fairly common for addicts to use emotional blackmail to hook enablers.
This is why we say addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages.
The truth of emotional blackmail is that recovering addicts are the best folks to help those who want to recover, and mental health professionals are the best folks to help those with mental health issues. The addict would have you believe otherwise - that it's all on us.
Don't fall for it. None of it is actually on us. The best job we can do is point them to the folks who are the experts, and then get ourselves clear of the mess, and stop listening to the quacking (manipulative words) of the addict.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 68
My heart goes out to you Zak. I was never married to my alcoholic guy but he did his share of blaming others for his own problems. He had a pretty bad childhood but instead of getting some counseling for that, he drank. He had chronic pity parties and his woe is me stories got old for many people. He has lost most all of his old friends (even the ones who drank) because his moods were so out of control & he'd get angry at the drop of a hat. I am leaning towards the possibility that he has bi-polar disorder as well as alcohol addiction. I'm reading that that is not an uncommon situation and I don't know if your wife was ever diagnosed with anything like that but it sounds like she seriously has mental issues going on. Alcoholism itself is a very selfish addiction though because the drunk is willing to give up the very things that should be the most important to them in order to get that next drink. It was difficult for me to reconcile in my mind that my ex-boyfriend needed booze so badly that he was willing to give me up in order to continue his addiction. I believe in time my ex guy will likely lose his job (not sure how he's kept it this long) and will maybe eventually lose his custody rights to his daughter. He lost me quite a long time ago but I think in his twisted mind, he might think we still have a chance. I'm not risking it again. As you've learned, just because they say they will get help and even if they DO get help, they can always slide back into that addiction so easily. There is a point where the apologies mean nothing because the trust is simply gone. If they followed through with what they said to begin with, they wouldn't wind up where they are today.
I recently read up about Joan Kennedy (Ted's first wife & mother of his kids). I knew she had alcoholic problems for many years. What I didn't know was that BOTH of her parents were alcoholics. She didn't have the best life and it didn't get better when she married Ted so she drank more. Eventually, she was found on the sidewalk outside her apartment in 2005, passed out and head bloody from a drunken fall. I believe she had several stints in rehab. At one point, her kids sought guardianship over her. Joan Kennedy had access to the best rehab facilities and psychiatrists that were available but yet she battled alcoholism for most of her life. At 72 she is now sober (and I hope she stays that way) but she put her kids through hell in the process.
When you have moments of regret, remember that getting out was the proper choice because it isn't helping your kids to stay with a woman who refuses to get help for herself. There is only one person working in the relationship and that is you...eventually that wears away even the strongest person. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You have done all you can do. Now it's best to let God have her and get on w/your life. Take care of yourself.
I recently read up about Joan Kennedy (Ted's first wife & mother of his kids). I knew she had alcoholic problems for many years. What I didn't know was that BOTH of her parents were alcoholics. She didn't have the best life and it didn't get better when she married Ted so she drank more. Eventually, she was found on the sidewalk outside her apartment in 2005, passed out and head bloody from a drunken fall. I believe she had several stints in rehab. At one point, her kids sought guardianship over her. Joan Kennedy had access to the best rehab facilities and psychiatrists that were available but yet she battled alcoholism for most of her life. At 72 she is now sober (and I hope she stays that way) but she put her kids through hell in the process.
When you have moments of regret, remember that getting out was the proper choice because it isn't helping your kids to stay with a woman who refuses to get help for herself. There is only one person working in the relationship and that is you...eventually that wears away even the strongest person. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You have done all you can do. Now it's best to let God have her and get on w/your life. Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Well I talked to her on the 18th. She was livid. Tried to quack at me a bit. "I don't love her enough" "She is ready to heal now" etc... I heard it all before. I told her I do love her, I just can live with her and the lies. She has broken that and it will never be repaired.
She said she never wants to see me again and you know what? That is fine. Telling her the marriage was over was like dropping 200 pounds. I feel free. I quit smoking. I have a new lease on life and I am ready for it.
Will it be hard on my own? Yes. I expect that. I just know from now on I won't have to worry about her and her drinking. I won't have to think about her affiar. I won't have to deal with her lies.
My life is my own and I plan to make the most of it for me and my two children.
Peace out everyone!
She said she never wants to see me again and you know what? That is fine. Telling her the marriage was over was like dropping 200 pounds. I feel free. I quit smoking. I have a new lease on life and I am ready for it.
Will it be hard on my own? Yes. I expect that. I just know from now on I won't have to worry about her and her drinking. I won't have to think about her affiar. I won't have to deal with her lies.
My life is my own and I plan to make the most of it for me and my two children.
Peace out everyone!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Zak - I'm sorry 
I know what you mean about dropping the 200#! YOu'll still have good days and bad ones and it sounds like she intends to put you through the proverbial ringer...so do whatever you can to stay focused on yourself and your own progress.
I trust you'll be seeking custody of the children? Does she know yet?
I know what you mean about dropping the 200#! YOu'll still have good days and bad ones and it sounds like she intends to put you through the proverbial ringer...so do whatever you can to stay focused on yourself and your own progress. I trust you'll be seeking custody of the children? Does she know yet?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Wow, thanks for sharing this story. You're amazing.
You're kids are lucky to have you. Thank you for posting this. My AH had an affair last summer and won't let go of that disgusting woman. I gave him every chance, more than I should have.
You're kids are lucky to have you. Thank you for posting this. My AH had an affair last summer and won't let go of that disgusting woman. I gave him every chance, more than I should have.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 68
Zak, she is using the same script she has used a long time to get you to enable her behavior again. I'm glad you're not falling for it though. It took me a while to gather my gumption & strength to end things with my ex-bf. When he left that last phone message earlier in the month, a part of me STILL wanted to believe that he meant what he said as far as missing me (he probably does) but there was no mention about getting help for his addiction. There is no reason for us to talk and there is no reason for me to believe he's going to change. You have to stay in that mode of thinking in order to save yourself. I used to tell people that you CAN get over ANYONE. I was with the wrong guy for 15 years and I eventually got over him. Since then I've had a few more guys to get over. I really did want to believe that I had a future and good life with my ex-bf but addiction ruins ANY relationship and I was not immune to the pitfalls of getting involved with a drunk. It's the same for most people--the relationship won't survive if the addicted person refuses to get treatment. Even when they do get treatment, unless they are fully committed to sobriety, it's normal for us to wait for the other shoe to drop & wonder if sobriety will last. I think I would not be cut out for that. Robert came to me in May & said he was done with the booze. I wanted to believe him but I knew he couldn't stay off it without treatment or AA - neither of which he got. His sobriety lasted a whole 10 days and during those 10 days, I found myself more & more anxious as time went on. It was like I was waiting for him to fall off the wagon and he did after he got angry over things unrelated to the two of us. A guy who can't handle life's stresses without a drink is not someone I want to be with again.
It must be equally hard when it's the woman doing the drinking. And the affair? Well, let's just say you've given her more chances than most men would. Infidelity or addiction are two of the worst deal-breakers for any relationship (married or not). To have BOTH is a death sentence for the marriage. I know there will be better days for you ahead. I hope we will all have more positive months to share with others at some point. I'm still doing one day at a time myself but it is getting easier.
One other thing I must remember....a healthy relationship doesn't make us crazy, it doesn't make us do mind gymnastics just in order to get through the day or week. We don't have to be on the lookout for what they are doing or what they are drinking. When we give WAY more than we receive in a relationship, then most counselors will tell you it's time to walk away, especially if you're only dating someone like I was. If they seem to love the booze/drug more than you, then believe what they do and not what they say. Talk is cheap. If they refuse to get help, they will continue down their dark path in life. I choose not to go there again.
It must be equally hard when it's the woman doing the drinking. And the affair? Well, let's just say you've given her more chances than most men would. Infidelity or addiction are two of the worst deal-breakers for any relationship (married or not). To have BOTH is a death sentence for the marriage. I know there will be better days for you ahead. I hope we will all have more positive months to share with others at some point. I'm still doing one day at a time myself but it is getting easier.
One other thing I must remember....a healthy relationship doesn't make us crazy, it doesn't make us do mind gymnastics just in order to get through the day or week. We don't have to be on the lookout for what they are doing or what they are drinking. When we give WAY more than we receive in a relationship, then most counselors will tell you it's time to walk away, especially if you're only dating someone like I was. If they seem to love the booze/drug more than you, then believe what they do and not what they say. Talk is cheap. If they refuse to get help, they will continue down their dark path in life. I choose not to go there again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
WOW.
So much wisdom in this post. Thank you for this.
Sending you a (((hug))) and best wishes as you emerge from this difficult and dark situation, out into the light, and follow your own new path!
peace-
b
So much wisdom in this post. Thank you for this.
Sending you a (((hug))) and best wishes as you emerge from this difficult and dark situation, out into the light, and follow your own new path!
peace-
b
Originally Posted by Zak68 
Over the years the focus on her healing changed.
Originally I thought I could save her. Al-anon taught me I can help her but she needs to choose her path.
She would lie to me to avoid my disappointment. When I found out it was always worse because of the lie. She would get herself in these ruts and see no way out but to keep lying then the guilt would sink in and she would drink more.
She tried to tell me she is ready to heal now and I don't love her enough, that is why I want a divorce. I told her that won't work. I am stronger now.
I stuck with her for five years. I stayed after the affair. I believed in us. I believed in her. She never believed in either. I told her all of this.
That Sunday she said if she killed herself I would have to live with the guilt that I failed to save her. I told her I wouldn't feel guilt. I can't watch her 24/7. At some point she has to behave like an adult. Seek help and stop being a child about her illness.
The A will always point the finger away, it's too hard to point it back at themselves and see the pain and suffering they cause.
Originally I thought I could save her. Al-anon taught me I can help her but she needs to choose her path.
She would lie to me to avoid my disappointment. When I found out it was always worse because of the lie. She would get herself in these ruts and see no way out but to keep lying then the guilt would sink in and she would drink more.
She tried to tell me she is ready to heal now and I don't love her enough, that is why I want a divorce. I told her that won't work. I am stronger now.
I stuck with her for five years. I stayed after the affair. I believed in us. I believed in her. She never believed in either. I told her all of this.
That Sunday she said if she killed herself I would have to live with the guilt that I failed to save her. I told her I wouldn't feel guilt. I can't watch her 24/7. At some point she has to behave like an adult. Seek help and stop being a child about her illness.
The A will always point the finger away, it's too hard to point it back at themselves and see the pain and suffering they cause.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi Zak. I'm sorry to hear that things have turned out this way for you, but happy to know you seem to have finally found peace. Good luck as you head into your new alcoholic and chaos free life. It sure is better on this side!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Last night was a struggle. She called from inpatient and we talked for a bit.
She kept trying to get me to agree to a separation and not divorce. She said she has never felt this good about healing and is sure this is the answer. She said I am wrong to give up on her now and I will miss her being healthy and us being happy if I leave.
I told her she gave up long before me. I stayed until I had nothing left to give and she has to forgive me but I have heard it before that she is ready to heal. I truly do hope she heals but I can't take the chance with my heart over and over, hoping one of these days it will be better.
She started quacking over and over about how the disease made her do this and that. To be honest I am sick and tired of hearing that. I told her she may be sick but that doesn't excuse her behavior. She chose to do those things. She chose not to drink first thing in the morning. She chose not to drink at work. She chose to drink around her family. She chose to lie to me. She chose to sleep with my best friend for 6 months. I am sick and tired of hearing her excuses and saying she was not responsible for her actions.
I do hope she finds peace and healing but there is no way in the world I will be around as her husband to see that. She tried to tell me she could very well find someone else and be happy with him. I told her I hope she does, she deserves happiness and so do I.
Even in healing she still tries to guilt me but I am much stronger now and I refuse to play those mind games with her.
She kept trying to get me to agree to a separation and not divorce. She said she has never felt this good about healing and is sure this is the answer. She said I am wrong to give up on her now and I will miss her being healthy and us being happy if I leave.
I told her she gave up long before me. I stayed until I had nothing left to give and she has to forgive me but I have heard it before that she is ready to heal. I truly do hope she heals but I can't take the chance with my heart over and over, hoping one of these days it will be better.
She started quacking over and over about how the disease made her do this and that. To be honest I am sick and tired of hearing that. I told her she may be sick but that doesn't excuse her behavior. She chose to do those things. She chose not to drink first thing in the morning. She chose not to drink at work. She chose to drink around her family. She chose to lie to me. She chose to sleep with my best friend for 6 months. I am sick and tired of hearing her excuses and saying she was not responsible for her actions.
I do hope she finds peace and healing but there is no way in the world I will be around as her husband to see that. She tried to tell me she could very well find someone else and be happy with him. I told her I hope she does, she deserves happiness and so do I.
Even in healing she still tries to guilt me but I am much stronger now and I refuse to play those mind games with her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
Thank you for sharing your story! I'm awestruck by your strength and wisdom, and determination. Congratulations on the courage it takes to put your own peace and sanity above the drama.
If your love were enough to heal her, she would be healed by now. She's an adult, and is capable of acting like one, without someone else coming along to save her, rescue her, force her to be accountable, give her a reason to live, get her stomach pumped, encourage her, hide all the knives, trust her, keep her from the car when she's drunk, keep the bottles out of the car so she won't get drunk, forgive her, believe lies, etc, etc, etc.
If she is ready to heal she will have to love herself enough. At some point you know that in yourself, and you can stop saying it to her, because saying it to her isn't getting through. She will have to find the light, and she is capable of finding it, herself.
Peace.
All I know is 16 years of marriage is gone because of her illness and her inability to believe in herself like I did.
She tried to tell me she is ready to heal now and I don't love her enough, that is why I want a divorce.
Peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 68
So many good quotes here. They really do take hostages, don't they? You can fall into their games so quickly & over and over again. But at some point, even the most loyal, devoted, loving spouse or soul mate will get their fill. That's the natural course of human emotions. I still beat up on myself for take 2 years of bull crap off my ex-bf HOPING he'd seek help, HOPING he'd want a good & stable life with me. Talking about loving them enough is interesting because I also think that is what I tried to do. I tried to love Robert enough that he would want sobriety & see that he could have a much better life, different life than he'd had in the past. I was not equipped to deal with what was laid out with him and his issues. It's so sad that there is no magic way to make them see the light any sooner. There is also no magic way to get us to just get over them all at once. I think that's the hardest part for us sometimes...just dealing with the grieving of a failed relationship. However, at least we can rest assured that it wasn't that we did not try to make it work. There is only so much we can do--the rest is up to them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I told her the other day after her affair I took her back on one condition. Complete honesty. That was my final straw. She would lie to me when I asked if she had been drinking. She said she did it because she couldn't stand to see me disappointed.
Bottom line I told her is you loved your bottle more than me. I gave you a chance when everyone yelled that I shouldn't. I did it out of love and I worked to build that love. You, just drank because you loved vodka more than the idea of being married to me. She said that wasn't fair. I told her it was. Reality check time and she needs to look in the mirror.
It's so nice not worrying about "poking the bear" any more. Now I can say what I want and not fear the ramifications.
Life is grand!
Bottom line I told her is you loved your bottle more than me. I gave you a chance when everyone yelled that I shouldn't. I did it out of love and I worked to build that love. You, just drank because you loved vodka more than the idea of being married to me. She said that wasn't fair. I told her it was. Reality check time and she needs to look in the mirror.
It's so nice not worrying about "poking the bear" any more. Now I can say what I want and not fear the ramifications.
Life is grand!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thank you for this thread. You are very strong and I hope you recognize that, Zak68.
I too mentioned xabf's real love was Jack Daniels. He just stared.
Good for you for protecting the boundary you had. You gave her a lot of chances and she disregarded every one of them, time for consequences.
I am glad you are moving on with your life. Your daughter is learning that even after difficult times, it is possible to heal and feel joy once again. I cannot think of a better lesson for a daughter than that one.
Hugs!!
I too mentioned xabf's real love was Jack Daniels. He just stared.
Good for you for protecting the boundary you had. You gave her a lot of chances and she disregarded every one of them, time for consequences.
I am glad you are moving on with your life. Your daughter is learning that even after difficult times, it is possible to heal and feel joy once again. I cannot think of a better lesson for a daughter than that one.
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Zak68
She would lie to me when I asked if she had been drinking. She said she did it because she couldn't stand to see me disappointed.
L
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