Zak, she is using the same script she has used a long time to get you to enable her behavior again. I'm glad you're not falling for it though. It took me a while to gather my gumption & strength to end things with my ex-bf. When he left that last phone message earlier in the month, a part of me STILL wanted to believe that he meant what he said as far as missing me (he probably does) but there was no mention about getting help for his addiction. There is no reason for us to talk and there is no reason for me to believe he's going to change. You have to stay in that mode of thinking in order to save yourself. I used to tell people that you CAN get over ANYONE. I was with the wrong guy for 15 years and I eventually got over him. Since then I've had a few more guys to get over. I really did want to believe that I had a future and good life with my ex-bf but addiction ruins ANY relationship and I was not immune to the pitfalls of getting involved with a drunk. It's the same for most people--the relationship won't survive if the addicted person refuses to get treatment. Even when they do get treatment, unless they are fully committed to sobriety, it's normal for us to wait for the other shoe to drop & wonder if sobriety will last. I think I would not be cut out for that. Robert came to me in May & said he was done with the booze. I wanted to believe him but I knew he couldn't stay off it without treatment or AA - neither of which he got. His sobriety lasted a whole 10 days and during those 10 days, I found myself more & more anxious as time went on. It was like I was waiting for him to fall off the wagon and he did after he got angry over things unrelated to the two of us. A guy who can't handle life's stresses without a drink is not someone I want to be with again.
It must be equally hard when it's the woman doing the drinking. And the affair? Well, let's just say you've given her more chances than most men would. Infidelity or addiction are two of the worst deal-breakers for any relationship (married or not). To have BOTH is a death sentence for the marriage. I know there will be better days for you ahead. I hope we will all have more positive months to share with others at some point. I'm still doing one day at a time myself but it is getting easier.
One other thing I must remember....a healthy relationship doesn't make us crazy, it doesn't make us do mind gymnastics just in order to get through the day or week. We don't have to be on the lookout for what they are doing or what they are drinking. When we give WAY more than we receive in a relationship, then most counselors will tell you it's time to walk away, especially if you're only dating someone like I was. If they seem to love the booze/drug more than you, then believe what they do and not what they say. Talk is cheap. If they refuse to get help, they will continue down their dark path in life. I choose not to go there again.