Thread: A new future...
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:35 AM
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Zak68
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
A new future...

I posted a bit in the past about my struggles with my AW. Back in 2004 I found out about her drinking and the healing began. She went through outpatient but told me later she hated it and told them what they wanted to hear so she could get out. That sobriety lasted about 2 months.
The drinking continued with small areas of sobriety and happiness. April 2009 I found out she had a 6 month affair with my supposed best friend. I was devastated, told her we were done. Prior to my finding out she entered a good healing period, seeing a counselor, on anti-depression meds. I looked at our life and saw the woman I married and decided to give us a shot even though I was in deep pain from the affair. The one thing I told her is my trust had been shattered. I needed complete honesty from her if we were to work out. The next two or three months were fantastic. I felt more in love with her than when we were first married back in 1993. Then the drinking began again and the lies.
About 3-4 weeks ago she got her first DUI. That night I asked her about drinking the night before. She pretended to be upset that I thought she was drinking (lying to me to cover her shame), stormed out of the house. Grabbed a bottle of wine, killed it and got caught doing 75 in a 55 and blew a .20.
I posted her bail, she said I should just leave her, she was beyond healing. As we were walking to the car she tried to step out in front of a bus but I pulled her back and we went home.
Her emotional struggles amplified then. The DUI was devastating to her. "I broke my cardinal rule". I asked where the cardinal rule was for saving her marriage or being sober around the family. She said that wasn't fair. I said it was, family should be first.
Saturday of Labor day weekend we were with my brother and his family. Something was said that upset her and she said she wanted to go home. I told her the rest of the family was having fun and if she wanted to go we would get her a cab. She left in a huff. I found out later, when I couldn't find her, that she started walking the 20 miles home. Turns out she bought vodka, got drunk, sat in the rain outside a restaurant crying and drinking. Cops came, she ran, they tackled her, stiches, bruises, the works. Another call she is in the hospital.
I go to get her that night. More of the same. I can't be healed. I am worthless. You and the kids would be more happy if I were dead. I will just kill myself. I told the nurses and they put her on suicide watch.
I took her home the next day, told her I was most likely going to leave her. The lies were too much and I needed honesty after the affair. Later on my daughter comes up to tell me mom grabbed a hidden bottle and put it in her car. I confronted her. She lies to me and says she has no idea where it came from. I told her our daughter saw her put it there, she says "She sees what you want her to see".
That was the final straw. I told her out of love I could toleate a lot (actually it is just me enabeling) but to call her a liar was it. We were done as a couple.
An hour later I come in the kitchen to find her with a knife threatening to cut her wrists so I can watch her bleed to death. I wrestled the knife away, called the crisis line. She calmed down, refused to check herself in, said she just panicked when she realized she pushed me too far and I was leaving.
Monday I had to take my daughter and son to the parade as they were marching. She was packing her bags to go when I left, lost her purse, phone and glass from the Saturday stint so I felt she was as safe as she could get.
We came home hours later. I heard noise upstairs, found her shaking, unable to form words, etc. Thinking she might be having a nervous breakdown I walked her into the bedroom. There I saw the empty sleeping pill bottles. She took what we can figure to be about 50-70 sleeping pills and half a big bottle of vodka.
A 911 call later and she is in the hospital, stomach being pumped. two days in the psych ward, now she is in 30 day inpatient for detox.
She tells me she can't do this if I won't be there when she gets out. Her mom asked me to not discuss divorce until she gets out but my therapist and hers said it would be best to tell her now while she has no way to get drunk or kill herself.
I will tell her soon, maybe in a day or so. All I know is 16 years of marriage is gone because of her illness and her inability to believe in herself like I did. I still love her, and I always will. I am just not in love with her. I can't be in love with someone I don't trust and I won't stay when I can't trust her ever again. I won't go through 6 months of healing to have her crash and lie again. I need to heal. My kids need to heal. That healing comes from her out of my life. It will be hard, I will struggle but years from now I will look back and be thankful I made this choice and wish I had made it sooner.
Good luck to you all in your struggles with the A's in your life. I hope they never get as low as mine did. Be wary if they threaten it, I thought she would never do it but the disease takes them so low that they don't think straight and death seems like the only option.

Peace ~ Zak
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