This is a sneaky demonic disease - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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This is a sneaky demonic disease

Posted 04-06-2012 at 04:32 AM by eddie73

I am still sober, sober in terms of not having lifted a drink, only for today. Life is very simple this way, but you can also learn to live and justify anything with the one day at a time attitude. We could all be dead tomorrow was a line I used to hear very regularly before going out and getting totally blotto. This is the reality of the illness. We can trick and twist even the well meaning one day at a time message into something to justify something not very nice.

I can live very responsibly one day at a time or without responsibility one day at a time.

I can do things that I never thought I would ever do in my life one day at a time or I can procrastinate and waste life one day at a time.

I am in transition, everyday I would like to think that I am growing, but when a setback arrives, it feels like it has been like this for ever and a day. There is nothing good about this at all, I am still trying to learn about these thoughts and feelings with my sponsor. I want to get well and stay well. I want to look back and think someday that wow I was a mess back then but hey I was only recovering and I did it.

When I am down, my thoughts take me away on a magic carpet. I cannot stop them. this happened this morning and it frightened me badly. I will not be beaten by this disease. Although I battle depression as well, I am in a situation where I never ever want to try and take both on at the one time ever again. It would leave me dead by my own hand.

This leads back to my initial point re the sneakyness of my disorder. i feel fear. I dont like life and am aimless when I feel this way. It is the fruits of months and months of thinking incorrectly and not handing my thoughts over to the almighty. I cannot go into the caves on my own any more, I need someone there with me to help me navigate, or to hold my hand as I try to forgive myself and let go of the past. it is a world of true hardship when it crashes. It is barely worth living for when you slump., but it does not last forever.
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