Journal for Five
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Hi Dee,
I definitely plan to learn as much as I can here. Continuing to read old threads like I have been.
I will check out some the books Briansy brought up and others.
I will be more direct about letting my wife know that I am quitting for good.
I am getting rid of the booze in my house that will tempt me.
I am going to hide out for a while and not go to any bars, restaurants, and decline invitations to alcohol related events.
It's going to take a lot of change for me but I can't keep going back to drinking.
I definitely plan to learn as much as I can here. Continuing to read old threads like I have been.
I will check out some the books Briansy brought up and others.
I will be more direct about letting my wife know that I am quitting for good.
I am getting rid of the booze in my house that will tempt me.
I am going to hide out for a while and not go to any bars, restaurants, and decline invitations to alcohol related events.
It's going to take a lot of change for me but I can't keep going back to drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 3,767
Originally Posted by FiveX 
I need to go all in or all out. Even though I don't want to and I'm not ready. It's obvious to me that my chances for a good life from here are much better with no alcohol in the picture.
There is no reason to wait.
It's scary right now. I can't wait to get some time under my belt.
There is no reason to wait.
It's scary right now. I can't wait to get some time under my belt.
Today I'm 8 weeks sober and I'm not ambivalent. My brain is not hijacked. I can concentrate on other parts of my life. The first month takes effort, no question, but it's worth it. I highly recommend the book Rational Recovery which covers the topic of ambivalence so beautifully and also explains AVRT, which many find so immensely helpful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Today I am doing good. Went to the party last night. Didn't drink. No tempations really. Got to see some drunk people. Got to help out and have fun.
I am focusing on not trying to do too much, especially with my diet and workouts. Enjoying being bored. Playing video games with my kids.
I am focusing on not trying to do too much, especially with my diet and workouts. Enjoying being bored. Playing video games with my kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Am i flat? Yes, I guess so.
I don't have much I look forward to in life and alcohol was one of those things. I'm sure I will get used to the sober social life with time but this early on it's just boring. I had some laughs at the party but I didn't feel like I was actually a part of it. No regrets though!
Today I couldn't work because I am not feeling well. Stressed out that I might have Covid. I am sure it's not but you know I love to stress. I think its food poisoning honestly.
I haven't talked to my wife directly yet but she knows I am not drinking. I feel confident in my ability to stay sober. The thing is I don't feel great all the time sober I seem to get more headaches and general tiredness. So thinking that might have something to do with my illness today.
It is what it is though. I always knew this day would come. If I'm honest I should have quit drinking at least 15 years ago. I knew I was an alcoholic in my late twenties.
I keep seeing people here and elsewhere that are older than me and still trying to quit. Like at the party I met a guy with 3 years who is 53, so 10 years older than me. I figure I should just stop now if my best case scenario will be trying to stop later anyway.
Sitting on day 5 today.
I don't have much I look forward to in life and alcohol was one of those things. I'm sure I will get used to the sober social life with time but this early on it's just boring. I had some laughs at the party but I didn't feel like I was actually a part of it. No regrets though!
Today I couldn't work because I am not feeling well. Stressed out that I might have Covid. I am sure it's not but you know I love to stress. I think its food poisoning honestly.
I haven't talked to my wife directly yet but she knows I am not drinking. I feel confident in my ability to stay sober. The thing is I don't feel great all the time sober I seem to get more headaches and general tiredness. So thinking that might have something to do with my illness today.
It is what it is though. I always knew this day would come. If I'm honest I should have quit drinking at least 15 years ago. I knew I was an alcoholic in my late twenties.
I keep seeing people here and elsewhere that are older than me and still trying to quit. Like at the party I met a guy with 3 years who is 53, so 10 years older than me. I figure I should just stop now if my best case scenario will be trying to stop later anyway.
Sitting on day 5 today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Since I am laying here in bed I guess I will ramble on.
I did have fun with my kids this weekend we played video games, went to a rock climbing gym, and ate some trashy food. I don't want it to sound all bad. Getting good rest was a bonus too.
At the party I ran into an old friend who I believe is an alcoholic. I hadn't seen her in about 10 years. She didn't look too great and she was pretty drunk when she showed up. We caught up for a bit and I found out that she was living around 2 hours away, but she was driving home! Then she went to have more shots. I was very concerned but what could I do? I would be horrified if I found out that she had killed someone.
One of the things I realize that I did was take extreme measures to make sure I could keep alcohol in my life. Like never driving after drinking. And my whole other list up there. My recent realization is that as long as any drinking is on the table it is occupying too much of my mind and life. It doesn't really matter if I can keep the damages to a minimum.
I did have fun with my kids this weekend we played video games, went to a rock climbing gym, and ate some trashy food. I don't want it to sound all bad. Getting good rest was a bonus too.
At the party I ran into an old friend who I believe is an alcoholic. I hadn't seen her in about 10 years. She didn't look too great and she was pretty drunk when she showed up. We caught up for a bit and I found out that she was living around 2 hours away, but she was driving home! Then she went to have more shots. I was very concerned but what could I do? I would be horrified if I found out that she had killed someone.
One of the things I realize that I did was take extreme measures to make sure I could keep alcohol in my life. Like never driving after drinking. And my whole other list up there. My recent realization is that as long as any drinking is on the table it is occupying too much of my mind and life. It doesn't really matter if I can keep the damages to a minimum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by Dee74
You'll find other things to look forward to Five, Drinking was always a hollow pleasure anyway, right?
D
D
That is one thing I would think about over the years. Just continuing to put the stuff in my body for it to wear off, so I can do the same thing again. What's the point? Temporary emotions is as far as I can see.
Sure I don't exactly love myself right now but I need to learn how to deal with life and grow up.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Things may feel kind of blah for awhile. And drinking occasions might always be a bore from hereon out. I mean, why wouldn't they?
I think they didn't so much for me the last time (the final time!) I quit. That time, I threw everything including the kitchen sink at changing things up. I did a number of "recovery related things" every day like I had a second job. Meditation, reading recovery literature, meetings, writing. It's not as intense an effort anymore, but I still write (obvs) and it's a rare day when I miss a meeting. Even when I don't love em, I still go.
That's just my experience. Not saying what you should do, of course, but I do suggest that you start really investing some energy in your commitment to living sober. Like, talking with your wife directly, for instance. Is there a reason you don't want to do that, aside from maybe making continued drinking even less of an option? (They call that a "reservation" in the recovery world - having a contingency that allows for resuming the drink.)
Hope you are all healed up with whatever your not-COVID thing was.
O
I think they didn't so much for me the last time (the final time!) I quit. That time, I threw everything including the kitchen sink at changing things up. I did a number of "recovery related things" every day like I had a second job. Meditation, reading recovery literature, meetings, writing. It's not as intense an effort anymore, but I still write (obvs) and it's a rare day when I miss a meeting. Even when I don't love em, I still go.
That's just my experience. Not saying what you should do, of course, but I do suggest that you start really investing some energy in your commitment to living sober. Like, talking with your wife directly, for instance. Is there a reason you don't want to do that, aside from maybe making continued drinking even less of an option? (They call that a "reservation" in the recovery world - having a contingency that allows for resuming the drink.)
Hope you are all healed up with whatever your not-COVID thing was.
O
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Yeah I am not healed up. I am now pretty sure I have Covid. Got tested today so we will see. I don't feel very good.
Even with this illness I thought about drinking today. I'm like WTF, if I survive Covid I think I will drink some beers to celebrate my recovery. I caught myself though. Hope to celebrate with some lemonade instead.
Even with this illness I thought about drinking today. I'm like WTF, if I survive Covid I think I will drink some beers to celebrate my recovery. I caught myself though. Hope to celebrate with some lemonade instead.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Thanks for the well wishes all.
It's been a mild case so far luckily. No major symptoms like shortness of breath or trouble breathing so far. I don't have loss of taste or smell at least not yet. And no fevers, which is surprising. I have headaches, fatigue, chills, sore throat, and coughing. I am on day 5 with the symptoms.
One thing that sucks is my heart rate. If I try to move around too much my heart rate shoots up quick. So I am basically bedridden because of that. My oxygen levels have remained high though.
Just watching TV and waiting.
I am grateful I have a nice safe spot to be, am on leave from work, and don't feel too horrible.
It's been a mild case so far luckily. No major symptoms like shortness of breath or trouble breathing so far. I don't have loss of taste or smell at least not yet. And no fevers, which is surprising. I have headaches, fatigue, chills, sore throat, and coughing. I am on day 5 with the symptoms.
One thing that sucks is my heart rate. If I try to move around too much my heart rate shoots up quick. So I am basically bedridden because of that. My oxygen levels have remained high though.
Just watching TV and waiting.
I am grateful I have a nice safe spot to be, am on leave from work, and don't feel too horrible.
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