Journal for Five
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Every time I went back to drinking, I hated it (and drunken me) more and more, and got a little closer to wanting to do everything possible to never drink again.
I think the fact you came back suggests you want a different ending to your story Five
I think the fact you came back suggests you want a different ending to your story Five
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Thanks
I really hope I can deal with life straight up...something I've never managed.
I'm having a hard time emotionally right now. An old friend died out of nowhere last week. I don't know the cause, but she was younger than me by a few years. From what I could see she was in fantastic shape, a fitness instructor with a beautiful family. Then just like that... gone.
So given the way I've decided to treat myself over the years it's been a big shock to my system. If I have to die anytime soon I'd rather my kids not have to find out it was because I kept on drinking.
I really hope I can deal with life straight up...something I've never managed.
I'm having a hard time emotionally right now. An old friend died out of nowhere last week. I don't know the cause, but she was younger than me by a few years. From what I could see she was in fantastic shape, a fitness instructor with a beautiful family. Then just like that... gone.
So given the way I've decided to treat myself over the years it's been a big shock to my system. If I have to die anytime soon I'd rather my kids not have to find out it was because I kept on drinking.
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Morning
I slept great but awful. Some weird noise was coming from outside, so trying to figure that out at some point. I'm stuffed up and having some sort of cold or allergy attack. So I kept waking up. I had some really strange dreams... one involving a miniature rabbit in my bedroom.
I should have called in to work today since I feel like crap, but I've definitely felt worse. I never allowed myself to call in if I was hungover.
Have a good day
I slept great but awful. Some weird noise was coming from outside, so trying to figure that out at some point. I'm stuffed up and having some sort of cold or allergy attack. So I kept waking up. I had some really strange dreams... one involving a miniature rabbit in my bedroom.
I should have called in to work today since I feel like crap, but I've definitely felt worse. I never allowed myself to call in if I was hungover.
Have a good day
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Going to bed sober. It's been a garbage week. I'm sick. Kids causing problems and drama. Stress at work. Blah blah.
Life is gonna throw a lot at me. I just can't cave in this time. I can't anymore.
Life is gonna throw a lot at me. I just can't cave in this time. I can't anymore.
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Thanks Advbike
I'm a week back into this. The crazy has already sunk back in. Not meaning AV, but this other person I become when sober. It's a weird feeling to be someone I don't really know right now.
Physically I feel good... back to 95%. Still grieving but getting to an acceptance. I've cried a few times pretty hard over the last week, which is unusual. I normally just avoid my feelings or deal with it by using emotional music, alcohol, and food.
I have all this work I'm looking at now. The stuff I can easily ignore when I'm drinking and 'enjoying' life. Work - mowing, weeding, trimming, meeting with contractors, laundry, dishes, workouts, organizing, planning, taking care of the all the kid stuff... that endless list is piled on top of my mind.
I keep telling myself, 'oh well'.
Just trying to let thoughts pass and get a few things done today. Or at least a few things worked on.
I'm a week back into this. The crazy has already sunk back in. Not meaning AV, but this other person I become when sober. It's a weird feeling to be someone I don't really know right now.
Physically I feel good... back to 95%. Still grieving but getting to an acceptance. I've cried a few times pretty hard over the last week, which is unusual. I normally just avoid my feelings or deal with it by using emotional music, alcohol, and food.
I have all this work I'm looking at now. The stuff I can easily ignore when I'm drinking and 'enjoying' life. Work - mowing, weeding, trimming, meeting with contractors, laundry, dishes, workouts, organizing, planning, taking care of the all the kid stuff... that endless list is piled on top of my mind.
I keep telling myself, 'oh well'.
Just trying to let thoughts pass and get a few things done today. Or at least a few things worked on.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yeah, it's amazing how much stuff shows up when we stop drinking! I have always wondered how I even managed (even marginally) while I was a drinker. Do the 'easy' and noticeable stuff first, man. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint, and that your body and mind are quite literally IN recovery. It takes time, but it really does get more manageable with practice and patience.
I always have felt that working from the inside out is the right way to go. So while my mind and body work on healing, I start with what's inside of my home. Even at that, I start with one area inside my home and work outward. Straighten the kitchen out, get it in decent shape, then maintain that. In a day or two, do the same in the living room or bedroom or whatever I will notice the most (or will give me most comfort), and so on. Literally everything else can wait - aside from taking care of kid stuff and being kind to your spouse, of course!
Patience.
Sounds easy, not so easy when you feel all of the 'stuff' piled up around you.
What about therapy? I think you were going to look into that at some point?
A week is fantastic, my friend. Keep going -
O
I always have felt that working from the inside out is the right way to go. So while my mind and body work on healing, I start with what's inside of my home. Even at that, I start with one area inside my home and work outward. Straighten the kitchen out, get it in decent shape, then maintain that. In a day or two, do the same in the living room or bedroom or whatever I will notice the most (or will give me most comfort), and so on. Literally everything else can wait - aside from taking care of kid stuff and being kind to your spouse, of course!
Patience.
Sounds easy, not so easy when you feel all of the 'stuff' piled up around you.
What about therapy? I think you were going to look into that at some point?
A week is fantastic, my friend. Keep going -
O
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All good advice, Obadi.
I did ask a friend for a therapist recommendation earlier on in the summer I think. I never followed up though. Honestly I'm scared of going to therapy I don't know how truthful and open I could get talking to someone about the realities of my life. I'd be embarrassed and ashamed. Sometimes I feel that way just talking about how I feel on here.
I'm not getting rid of the possibility though. I wanted to go to my friend's therapist because I know he is similar to me and has been going a few years.
I got so much done today. Plus still got lots of breaks and rest. I started with cleaning up the area right next to my bedside. It's much nicer now.
I did ask a friend for a therapist recommendation earlier on in the summer I think. I never followed up though. Honestly I'm scared of going to therapy I don't know how truthful and open I could get talking to someone about the realities of my life. I'd be embarrassed and ashamed. Sometimes I feel that way just talking about how I feel on here.
I'm not getting rid of the possibility though. I wanted to go to my friend's therapist because I know he is similar to me and has been going a few years.
I got so much done today. Plus still got lots of breaks and rest. I started with cleaning up the area right next to my bedside. It's much nicer now.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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One step at a time, Five. I totally get having to face all that we "ignored" but most of it can wait, as it did before. Focus on the priority, then nip off a bit of the projects at a time. I can easily get to feeling frustrated and overwhelmed - and then I get frozen for days, so that little bit of progress each day helps. For now just pick off the low hanging fruit that has outsized rewards - your sobriety, healthy diet, making essential phone calls, scheduling appointments, etc.
I found therapy to be very helpful over the years in times of crisis or when I was "stuck". The important point is to keep it focused. And don't feel you have to stay with the first person you find, either - sometimes it's a good fit, sometimes not. I tended to look for guys I liked - where I felt a rapport, or common background for example - but the two that helped me the most were not like me at all, however they had some really good insights and were pretty blunt when necessary, which I needed.
I found therapy to be very helpful over the years in times of crisis or when I was "stuck". The important point is to keep it focused. And don't feel you have to stay with the first person you find, either - sometimes it's a good fit, sometimes not. I tended to look for guys I liked - where I felt a rapport, or common background for example - but the two that helped me the most were not like me at all, however they had some really good insights and were pretty blunt when necessary, which I needed.
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Originally Posted by advbike 
One step at a time, Five. I totally get having to face all that we "ignored" but most of it can wait, as it did before.
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I can't remember where... but I think I read here on SR somewhere about a massive amount of thoughts that go through our heads each day. I don't know if alcohol slows those down or not but they are fast and steady and random right now. I'm all over the place.
Trying to make sure nobody notices that I'm not normal.
Trying to make sure nobody notices that I'm not normal.
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Yes I think alcohol does dampen all that chatter, no doubt for me. But it quickly turns into that numb feeling, which I hate.
The key is just to stay sober and learn to focus the thoughts, like when you're in a flow experience and suddenly it's 3 hours later.
The key is just to stay sober and learn to focus the thoughts, like when you're in a flow experience and suddenly it's 3 hours later.
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I hate that numb feeling too.
I've been down an SR rabbit hole. The forum doesn't seem so active lately but I've read so many great threads. What an invaluable resource!
I'm cracking the sobriety egg now. It's like all of a sudden everything that everyone has told me about this just makes sense.
What's went wrong in the past, not being able to negotiate my emotions... that has to stay in the past. Life is upsetting. For a long time I've said to myself that I never asked to be born. Like that's any different from any of the rest of us! But apparently I thought this meant it was okay to destroy myself. What a crock.
Sure, I have endured my fair share of pains. It's still my choice if I want to carry all of those with me. I don't want to be walking around unable to enjoy this life experience because of my yesterdays. I can acknowledge that I've had plenty of memorable times whilst drinking. And a lot that I can't remember so well!
That is over now.
A good friend got married last night. I attended the wedding with my kids. I had a ready made excuse, I had to drive. There was free alcohol. Everything turned out great. A lovely ceremony. We ate, had a few laughs, and came home to rest.
Two friends of mine have died recently. One in her mid forties, and the other early forties. It's been hard. I'm tearing up as I write this... I'm just so sad at these situations. Both were mothers of young children around my kids age. It doesn't make any sense. It's not right. It's not fair.
But it's slapped me with the reality that I had better be counting my blessings. Whatever the rest of my life is gonna be - alcohol is not a part of it.
I've been down an SR rabbit hole. The forum doesn't seem so active lately but I've read so many great threads. What an invaluable resource!
I'm cracking the sobriety egg now. It's like all of a sudden everything that everyone has told me about this just makes sense.
What's went wrong in the past, not being able to negotiate my emotions... that has to stay in the past. Life is upsetting. For a long time I've said to myself that I never asked to be born. Like that's any different from any of the rest of us! But apparently I thought this meant it was okay to destroy myself. What a crock.
Sure, I have endured my fair share of pains. It's still my choice if I want to carry all of those with me. I don't want to be walking around unable to enjoy this life experience because of my yesterdays. I can acknowledge that I've had plenty of memorable times whilst drinking. And a lot that I can't remember so well!
That is over now.
A good friend got married last night. I attended the wedding with my kids. I had a ready made excuse, I had to drive. There was free alcohol. Everything turned out great. A lovely ceremony. We ate, had a few laughs, and came home to rest.
Two friends of mine have died recently. One in her mid forties, and the other early forties. It's been hard. I'm tearing up as I write this... I'm just so sad at these situations. Both were mothers of young children around my kids age. It doesn't make any sense. It's not right. It's not fair.
But it's slapped me with the reality that I had better be counting my blessings. Whatever the rest of my life is gonna be - alcohol is not a part of it.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm so sorry that you have lost two friends so recently, Five. It is tragic to think of those kids losing a parent so early; so, so sad. 
Whatever the rest of your life is going to be... is a wonderful way to start this journey. We don't really know how it's all going to turn out for anyone, but you and I can share a certainty that it won't be a continuing cycle of ever-more lower lows fueled by drinking.
I'm a firm believer of leaving the past in the past, but also believe there are some things that we need to "process" in order to keep moving forward. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I think I'm getting 'it.' Recognition, acceptance and empathy for that person I was; these are all parts of it. Making a decision to let go of victim mentality is another one. For the longest time, I thought that needed to be replaced with some kind of victor mentality. Not so. Letting go of self-judgement, recrimination and pain is perfectly sufficient. Near as I can tell, it's a process, not an end-point. That's why we are advised to practice patience, acceptance, kindness, etc - because we're never finished learning lessons, are we?
So don't be too harsh on yourself. Just do your best to be your best.
xo
O
Whatever the rest of your life is going to be... is a wonderful way to start this journey. We don't really know how it's all going to turn out for anyone, but you and I can share a certainty that it won't be a continuing cycle of ever-more lower lows fueled by drinking.
I'm a firm believer of leaving the past in the past, but also believe there are some things that we need to "process" in order to keep moving forward. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I think I'm getting 'it.' Recognition, acceptance and empathy for that person I was; these are all parts of it. Making a decision to let go of victim mentality is another one. For the longest time, I thought that needed to be replaced with some kind of victor mentality. Not so. Letting go of self-judgement, recrimination and pain is perfectly sufficient. Near as I can tell, it's a process, not an end-point. That's why we are advised to practice patience, acceptance, kindness, etc - because we're never finished learning lessons, are we?
So don't be too harsh on yourself. Just do your best to be your best.
xo
O
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Nope we are never done learning lessons. I definitely fell into the victor thinking camp in the past. I declared victory before the battle had even begun. You know, might as well go ahead and get it over with.
I always think back to my sponsor getting his 5 year chip and me asking how he was going to celebrate - he looked at me like I was out of my mind. Another day alive and sober was enough I guess. Is that all there is?! I'm definitely the type to celebrate a year of sobriety by drinking...
Yet I at times can't see anything wrong with my thinking.
I've realized over the past 6 months or year that I have this extra insane thinking about alcohol. When I started drinking all those years ago, it made me feel alive. Like never before. Somehow, throughout the years of drinking, I translated that into a sense that the booze was actually keeping me alive. It literally feels impossible to live without the stuff. Even though I know intellectually that it will physically kill me. Crazy.
It did give me this false idea of hope that has been hard to replicate sober. I thought I could conquer the world with it, and without it I had no chance. Saying this knowing I'm just two weeks in... again.
It's weird not feeling the highs and the lows. I dislike the term, but boring is the word that comes to mind. Life seems pretty dry at the moment. Not complaining, just saying. A blessing. I'm sure it's truly a good place to be.
I'm really fortunate. I got a new job. I bought a new truck. I'm feeling healthier.
I celebrated by staying sober.
I always think back to my sponsor getting his 5 year chip and me asking how he was going to celebrate - he looked at me like I was out of my mind. Another day alive and sober was enough I guess. Is that all there is?! I'm definitely the type to celebrate a year of sobriety by drinking...
Yet I at times can't see anything wrong with my thinking.
I've realized over the past 6 months or year that I have this extra insane thinking about alcohol. When I started drinking all those years ago, it made me feel alive. Like never before. Somehow, throughout the years of drinking, I translated that into a sense that the booze was actually keeping me alive. It literally feels impossible to live without the stuff. Even though I know intellectually that it will physically kill me. Crazy.
It did give me this false idea of hope that has been hard to replicate sober. I thought I could conquer the world with it, and without it I had no chance. Saying this knowing I'm just two weeks in... again.
It's weird not feeling the highs and the lows. I dislike the term, but boring is the word that comes to mind. Life seems pretty dry at the moment. Not complaining, just saying. A blessing. I'm sure it's truly a good place to be.
I'm really fortunate. I got a new job. I bought a new truck. I'm feeling healthier.
I celebrated by staying sober.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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give sober life a chance Five - I laugh at the idea now I was more alive on booze - I was closer to death than I was to life.
you might even try and enjoy the 'boring' while it lasts - you'll soon find life has more than enough ups and downs
D
you might even try and enjoy the 'boring' while it lasts - you'll soon find life has more than enough ups and downs
D
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I'm definitely giving sober life a chance.
The reality is I've been drinking long enough to know where that's going to lead, and at AA or reading here long enough to understand that I'm trapped. I don't have to like it but I get it.
The first drink is the killer.
I've analyzed how I talked myself into drinking again six ways from Sunday. The many times. I'm accepting the realities that I chose to drink. All the reasons I convinced myself that somehow I'll figure out a way to get away with it. And I need it because of the past BS in my life. Like you said Obladi it's time for the past to stay where it belongs.
I understand that I'm clueless when it comes to living a sober life.
It's time to find out once and for all.
The reality is I've been drinking long enough to know where that's going to lead, and at AA or reading here long enough to understand that I'm trapped. I don't have to like it but I get it.
The first drink is the killer.
I've analyzed how I talked myself into drinking again six ways from Sunday. The many times. I'm accepting the realities that I chose to drink. All the reasons I convinced myself that somehow I'll figure out a way to get away with it. And I need it because of the past BS in my life. Like you said Obladi it's time for the past to stay where it belongs.
I understand that I'm clueless when it comes to living a sober life.
It's time to find out once and for all.
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