Oh my dear Five, I understand. That some little piece of you will continue to be correct - perhaps for a very long torturous time. You will continue to get away with it. Until you don't. It may not make you feel any better to know that the thought of drinking has crossed my mind even as I was just getting home. But that's how this thing works. It's frustrating, infuriating and sometimes downright demoralizing. I don't know that those thoughts will ever be completely banished. That's where the ironclad decision comes in - to counter the ridiculous suggestions of the addiction.
Things needn't be microscopic, but yes the prospect of rebuilding can be overwhelming. I forget - have you tried any AA meetings? There are some really decent guys in that program, and I admire their friendships. It might be worth going even if you don't "buy" the 12-step stuff. This could be one way to begin your whole different life. AA isn't the only way, but it is a ready-made solution that is just about universally available - even more so now that you can Zoom into a meeting anywhere you wish.
Getting started is the hardest part, Five. Making that decision is a huge leap, but I've made the jump so I know you can make it too.
O