O Well?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi O!
Yeah its good to be back and thank you for giving me a shout out! I hear the workers downstairs, hopefully doing something. Almost on 2 months now. It does look really nice however....but they could turn it up a notch. My contractor is an emotional moody guy. Nice but not motivated by a shoe in his ass. So I try to kill him with kindness to get him to prioritize my job. I'm assuming that people aren't scheduling a lot of remodeling right now so I'm hoping they become less busy here soon. I would really like my house back.
Overthinking, underthinking, over doing, under doing. I'm always in one of those places. I was talking with my overthinking kiddo yesterday (we had an explosive out of no where blow up....she is a junior in high school again...and if you are reading this honey, sorry) and I told her that it is my experience that at a point I have to act myself into right thinking. I can't think myself into right action. But there's that balance right? Enough analysis to define directional action....without paralysis. Where that balance lies is individual I think. So analyze away. You are obviously getting into the action part as well. I know, for me, I have learned to accept that I will never be all sorted out. Its like a favorite necklace that I can never untangle. It stays in the jewelry box but I just let it go. Won't where that one again. Ok, I'm babbling again.
Parents. Nightmare. Nuff said. So heartbreaking and weird.
Have a good day.
Yeah its good to be back and thank you for giving me a shout out! I hear the workers downstairs, hopefully doing something. Almost on 2 months now. It does look really nice however....but they could turn it up a notch. My contractor is an emotional moody guy. Nice but not motivated by a shoe in his ass. So I try to kill him with kindness to get him to prioritize my job. I'm assuming that people aren't scheduling a lot of remodeling right now so I'm hoping they become less busy here soon. I would really like my house back.
Overthinking, underthinking, over doing, under doing. I'm always in one of those places. I was talking with my overthinking kiddo yesterday (we had an explosive out of no where blow up....she is a junior in high school again...and if you are reading this honey, sorry) and I told her that it is my experience that at a point I have to act myself into right thinking. I can't think myself into right action. But there's that balance right? Enough analysis to define directional action....without paralysis. Where that balance lies is individual I think. So analyze away. You are obviously getting into the action part as well. I know, for me, I have learned to accept that I will never be all sorted out. Its like a favorite necklace that I can never untangle. It stays in the jewelry box but I just let it go. Won't where that one again. Ok, I'm babbling again.
Parents. Nightmare. Nuff said. So heartbreaking and weird.
Have a good day.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
- I went to Occupational Health today and was not cleared. This time, they decided they needed to do urine and blood analysis to confirm that I am free of non-prescribed substances. So it will be another few days until that hoop is cleared as they send the samples to an outside lab. (Crazy system - none of our Occupational Health offices use internal services or computer systems. I'm sure it's because Compliance people are about 20-30 years behind in accommodating to modern technology and they have concerns about confidentiality. It's just nuts to me, since they have a lab literally next door. Whatevs. I'll keep getting my 60% pay, so that's alright.)
- Went to work because I had left the on call phone on my porch when I left for rehab and no one had ever picked it up. I offered to hold onto it, but my manager wanted me to drop it off, so I did. I went up to my cubicle to look for a few things, and the carpet was ripped up for replacement. The floor was STICKY. I paused for a hot second, and when I tried to walk again, quite literally fell out of my clogs. Onto my knees. On the cement floor. Oh, ow. I'm walking like a geriatric person now.
- Spoke with my manager to let her know we're on delay. She was cordial as always. I still feel like there might be a hammer over my head, but I always feel like that when I return from Alcoholic Leave. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. I am assured a job of some sort and that's a good thing. A very very good thing.
- Went to work because I had left the on call phone on my porch when I left for rehab and no one had ever picked it up. I offered to hold onto it, but my manager wanted me to drop it off, so I did. I went up to my cubicle to look for a few things, and the carpet was ripped up for replacement. The floor was STICKY. I paused for a hot second, and when I tried to walk again, quite literally fell out of my clogs. Onto my knees. On the cement floor. Oh, ow. I'm walking like a geriatric person now.
- Spoke with my manager to let her know we're on delay. She was cordial as always. I still feel like there might be a hammer over my head, but I always feel like that when I return from Alcoholic Leave. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. I am assured a job of some sort and that's a good thing. A very very good thing.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
As I was going through email this morning, I found a response to the therapist I'd emailed about EMDR. You may recall that my theory was that this is what precipitated my seemingly inexplicable urge to drink on January 17. So... yeah. I sent her the email to initiate therapy at 9:45 am the day I drank. Those of you who've cautioned me about dealing with trauma are spot on. I'll talk with Daniel Tiger about this next time we meet. It's a conundrum, right? Do the the therapy to address these inner machinations or wait a good long time into sobriety to do so? Maybe it's the latter and I need to make modifications in life to avoid triggery situations, like the "no control" over my own job thing. See previous post - maybe that will be handled for me. But I kind of doubt it. I think it's going to be on me to figure this out because that feels just... true in a cosmic sort of way.
The other thing I noticed reading back is that I had a confrontation with my manager that same week. It was the thing about my huge and probably irrational irritation about the Help Desk not doing their job. I'd gotten to the point of understanding that this was yet another control (lack of control) thing where I felt personally affronted that my organization was being ripped off. Some of you may recall that I ended up apologizing to my boss for being out of line. After all of that, I felt like I'd cleaned up my mess and things would be ok in that arena. But looking back, I realize that was difficult work for me.
Trying to sum this all up and tie it up with a bow.
Don't Drink
It's a good thing I am where I am
Stay the course, but do ALL of the things. Eat, read, pray, meditate, meetings, learn, exercise, sleep. Dropping any component (I may have forgotten some) would be a huge mistake. Potentially lethal.
The other thing I noticed reading back is that I had a confrontation with my manager that same week. It was the thing about my huge and probably irrational irritation about the Help Desk not doing their job. I'd gotten to the point of understanding that this was yet another control (lack of control) thing where I felt personally affronted that my organization was being ripped off. Some of you may recall that I ended up apologizing to my boss for being out of line. After all of that, I felt like I'd cleaned up my mess and things would be ok in that arena. But looking back, I realize that was difficult work for me.
Trying to sum this all up and tie it up with a bow.
Don't Drink
It's a good thing I am where I am
Stay the course, but do ALL of the things. Eat, read, pray, meditate, meetings, learn, exercise, sleep. Dropping any component (I may have forgotten some) would be a huge mistake. Potentially lethal.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Originally Posted by Obladi 
Stay the course, but do ALL of the things. Eat, read, pray, meditate, meetings, learn, exercise, sleep. Dropping any component (I may have forgotten some) would be a huge mistake. Potentially lethal.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,435
I think I cannot not-think, at least not easily either O.
Yoga and meditation both help greatly, but hiking or gardening--or mundane things like heavy work on the farm fixing fences, clearing and shoveling debris, cutting firewood, etc. are the places I lose track of being "me thinking" most easily and well.
I find some of the discussion earlier a little muddy for my simple mind, but it seems the consensus is to focus first on not drinking for any reason, and all else follows that.
Certainly that has been my approach this time. I [literally] can't afford to screw up and relapse this close to the brass ring of retirement, whatever trauma or baggage is bubbling up to my surface right now.
I have too many years in and too much to lose. I also have come to really hate how I feel drunk. No fun, no illumination, no nothing good. That is long over, maybe for all of us posting here. That's pretty solid incentive also, if needed.
I always feel obliged in public (not here--you guys get it) to talk about the holistic holy reasons I quit. To become a better-adjusted person, to grow up emotionally, to reach my potential, etc. etc. etc.
Those things are true too, but honestly, the compelling drive for me this past 8 months has been survival. Fear of this thing really getting on top of me and finishing me off, or ruining what's left of my life. That is visceral, and immediate. Inevitable self-immolation was in the post-industrial burnt-out foreground of my last relapse, no kidding.
Fixing my psyche and processing my Whys right now are distant misty mountains in my far off landscape--there to be visited when I have time and leisure, but they need not be resolved, even by my ever-busy mind if they take my focus off sober-no-matter-what.
It has made parts of my anhedonia worse, but oddly some emotions are flowing more easily. I don't know where this will all go, but more than ever I treasure each day of sobriety I'm racking up. I'm pleased, happy, and grateful the cravings seem more like stupid ideas instead of dangerous and tempting thoughts.
Yoga and meditation both help greatly, but hiking or gardening--or mundane things like heavy work on the farm fixing fences, clearing and shoveling debris, cutting firewood, etc. are the places I lose track of being "me thinking" most easily and well.
I find some of the discussion earlier a little muddy for my simple mind, but it seems the consensus is to focus first on not drinking for any reason, and all else follows that.
Certainly that has been my approach this time. I [literally] can't afford to screw up and relapse this close to the brass ring of retirement, whatever trauma or baggage is bubbling up to my surface right now.
I have too many years in and too much to lose. I also have come to really hate how I feel drunk. No fun, no illumination, no nothing good. That is long over, maybe for all of us posting here. That's pretty solid incentive also, if needed.
I always feel obliged in public (not here--you guys get it) to talk about the holistic holy reasons I quit. To become a better-adjusted person, to grow up emotionally, to reach my potential, etc. etc. etc.
Those things are true too, but honestly, the compelling drive for me this past 8 months has been survival. Fear of this thing really getting on top of me and finishing me off, or ruining what's left of my life. That is visceral, and immediate. Inevitable self-immolation was in the post-industrial burnt-out foreground of my last relapse, no kidding.
Fixing my psyche and processing my Whys right now are distant misty mountains in my far off landscape--there to be visited when I have time and leisure, but they need not be resolved, even by my ever-busy mind if they take my focus off sober-no-matter-what.
It has made parts of my anhedonia worse, but oddly some emotions are flowing more easily. I don't know where this will all go, but more than ever I treasure each day of sobriety I'm racking up. I'm pleased, happy, and grateful the cravings seem more like stupid ideas instead of dangerous and tempting thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
You got some insightful followers on this here thread:
Love this:
it is my experience that at a point I have to act myself into right thinking. I can't think myself into right action. But there's that balance right? Enough analysis to define directional action....without paralysis. Where that balance lies is individual I think. So analyze away. You are obviously getting into the action part as well. I know, for me, I have learned to accept that I will never be all sorted out. Its like a favorite necklace that I can never untangle. It stays in the jewelry box but I just let it go. Won't where that one again.
And this:
The compelling drive for me this past 8 months has been survival. Fear of this thing really getting on top of me and finishing me off, or ruining what's left of my life. That is visceral, and immediate. Inevitable self-immolation was in the post-industrial burnt-out foreground of my last relapse, no kidding.
Fixing my psyche and processing my Whys right now are distant misty mountains in my far off landscape--there to be visited when I have time and leisure, but they need not be resolved, even by my ever-busy mind if they take my focus off sober-no-matter-what.
And this too:
Nice! I add to my program, not subtract. The more of my day I have to spend with 'Eat, read, pray, meditate, meetings, learn, exercise, sleep' the less time I have to get into trouble
People can and do spend a fortune to private rehab to get less good insight than that.
Thanks O and her peeps and SR.
Love this:
it is my experience that at a point I have to act myself into right thinking. I can't think myself into right action. But there's that balance right? Enough analysis to define directional action....without paralysis. Where that balance lies is individual I think. So analyze away. You are obviously getting into the action part as well. I know, for me, I have learned to accept that I will never be all sorted out. Its like a favorite necklace that I can never untangle. It stays in the jewelry box but I just let it go. Won't where that one again.
And this:
The compelling drive for me this past 8 months has been survival. Fear of this thing really getting on top of me and finishing me off, or ruining what's left of my life. That is visceral, and immediate. Inevitable self-immolation was in the post-industrial burnt-out foreground of my last relapse, no kidding.
Fixing my psyche and processing my Whys right now are distant misty mountains in my far off landscape--there to be visited when I have time and leisure, but they need not be resolved, even by my ever-busy mind if they take my focus off sober-no-matter-what.
And this too:
Nice! I add to my program, not subtract. The more of my day I have to spend with 'Eat, read, pray, meditate, meetings, learn, exercise, sleep' the less time I have to get into trouble
People can and do spend a fortune to private rehab to get less good insight than that.
Thanks O and her peeps and SR.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Basically I agree with what Hawkeye said, I quit simply because I was rapidly running out of ways to keep going. And honestly at this point I've lost touch with the visceral realities of early sobriety. I'm both grateful and slightly scared of the extend my mind is able to "protect" me from the gory details of my drinking. I talk about my ongoing journey with trauma and other things but a lot of it isn't relevant to how or why I quit in the first place.
But I also don't necessarily think the abuse angle is all in vain, if nothing else your'e aware of an unconscious danger zone you can now more easily identify ahead of time. Rarely will it ever be blatantly obvious, that's how the AV side hooks us.. by masquerading as a similar situation or narrative. Which is part of why I see it now as central to my sobriety. But initially? I didn't always know where it stemmed from or what to "do" about it, I just knew it was there.. and usually that really was enough for the time being.
But I also don't necessarily think the abuse angle is all in vain, if nothing else your'e aware of an unconscious danger zone you can now more easily identify ahead of time. Rarely will it ever be blatantly obvious, that's how the AV side hooks us.. by masquerading as a similar situation or narrative. Which is part of why I see it now as central to my sobriety. But initially? I didn't always know where it stemmed from or what to "do" about it, I just knew it was there.. and usually that really was enough for the time being.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Oh, Sohard - aren't you the clever little bear-poker?
Hey Vinnie!
Cos, can you send me information about the program you've mentioned? Pretty please?
Good morning All Y'all.
I don't mean to be dreary but the fact of the matter is that when I was drinking, I most commonly would have to work really hard to care about anything, including and maybe most particularly whether I continued to exist. Even now, I'm not sure that surviving is my motivation to stay sober. I think Living Meaningfully is closer to the mark. Something like... if I'm going to live, it should mean something. And it shouldn't be hurtful to people who love me (or anyone, for that matter, but you know what I mean).
This question of motivation is interesting. To paraphrase Mother Hen, "Motivations are like people - everyone has one." But they're not all the same. Or maybe they are, at the core?
(Whoever said I'd one day laugh about MH was probably right, but it's not happening just yet.)
Hey Vinnie!
Cos, can you send me information about the program you've mentioned? Pretty please?
Good morning All Y'all.
I don't mean to be dreary but the fact of the matter is that when I was drinking, I most commonly would have to work really hard to care about anything, including and maybe most particularly whether I continued to exist. Even now, I'm not sure that surviving is my motivation to stay sober. I think Living Meaningfully is closer to the mark. Something like... if I'm going to live, it should mean something. And it shouldn't be hurtful to people who love me (or anyone, for that matter, but you know what I mean).
This question of motivation is interesting. To paraphrase Mother Hen, "Motivations are like people - everyone has one." But they're not all the same. Or maybe they are, at the core?
(Whoever said I'd one day laugh about MH was probably right, but it's not happening just yet.)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,435
I would agree that meaningful life is what makes life worth working at. The anhedonia sometimes makes that really hard to keep after for me as well O.
I’m often astonished at how flat and empty I feel inside much of the time, but I have reframed “I feel empty inside” into “I am a vessel that has space”.
That space is room for me as observer. I have room to see the honeybees sipping on the purple-magenta redbud blooms right now and hear their soft hum. To see the lime green Mayapple umbrellas popping up in the hardwood forest I walk through daily. The goose honks I am hearing at this moment syncopate with the rhythm of the lapping water of the lake. The gentle snores of my little man pupper snoring next to me swaddled in his fuzzy cover, pointy ears poking out and twitching.
Meaning can be found bottom-up sometimes more easily than top-down. Fulfilling is an interesting word, becoming more verb than adjective for me now.
I’m often astonished at how flat and empty I feel inside much of the time, but I have reframed “I feel empty inside” into “I am a vessel that has space”.
That space is room for me as observer. I have room to see the honeybees sipping on the purple-magenta redbud blooms right now and hear their soft hum. To see the lime green Mayapple umbrellas popping up in the hardwood forest I walk through daily. The goose honks I am hearing at this moment syncopate with the rhythm of the lapping water of the lake. The gentle snores of my little man pupper snoring next to me swaddled in his fuzzy cover, pointy ears poking out and twitching.
Meaning can be found bottom-up sometimes more easily than top-down. Fulfilling is an interesting word, becoming more verb than adjective for me now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I relate in a big way O. I don't know if my life has meaning. But I can stop hurting the ones I love. My kid. Frankly there isn't anyone else really.
That in itself has meaning enough. If more comes at some point, great. But that'll just be icing on the cake. I avoid people because I hurt them. I don't trust myself.
That in itself has meaning enough. If more comes at some point, great. But that'll just be icing on the cake. I avoid people because I hurt them. I don't trust myself.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
When I had a nervous breakdown noone was able to help me. I was put on zoloft but it made me not feel so I stopped taking it and in a short time had intense depression withdrawals and tried to commit suicide. After some more drinking and rehabs I stopped drinking and was stuck taking benzos, coping with intense anxiety. After some years of that I manged to reduce benzo intake to zero. Ultimately what has made a difference is meditation while learning that the 'I-making' of every 'thing' and 'thought' is at the core of my miseries. Letting go in all ways (while trying to have compassion for all beings) has helped me to find a lasting, meaningful, serenity. Part of that has been recognising the ever-changing, not-me nature of every thing (and thought) that passes by.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I think I cannot not-think, at least not easily either O.
Yoga and meditation both help greatly, but hiking or gardening--or mundane things like heavy work on the farm fixing fences, clearing and shoveling debris, cutting firewood, etc. are the places I lose track of being "me thinking" most easily and well.
I find some of the discussion earlier a little muddy for my simple mind, but it seems the consensus is to focus first on not drinking for any reason, and all else follows that.
Certainly that has been my approach this time. I [literally] can't afford to screw up and relapse this close to the brass ring of retirement, whatever trauma or baggage is bubbling up to my surface right now.
I have too many years in and too much to lose. I also have come to really hate how I feel drunk. No fun, no illumination, no nothing good. That is long over, maybe for all of us posting here. That's pretty solid incentive also, if needed.
I always feel obliged in public (not here--you guys get it) to talk about the holistic holy reasons I quit. To become a better-adjusted person, to grow up emotionally, to reach my potential, etc. etc. etc.
Those things are true too, but honestly, the compelling drive for me this past 8 months has been survival. Fear of this thing really getting on top of me and finishing me off, or ruining what's left of my life. That is visceral, and immediate. Inevitable self-immolation was in the post-industrial burnt-out foreground of my last relapse, no kidding.
Fixing my psyche and processing my Whys right now are distant misty mountains in my far off landscape--there to be visited when I have time and leisure, but they need not be resolved, even by my ever-busy mind if they take my focus off sober-no-matter-what.
It has made parts of my anhedonia worse, but oddly some emotions are flowing more easily. I don't know where this will all go, but more than ever I treasure each day of sobriety I'm racking up. I'm pleased, happy, and grateful the cravings seem more like stupid ideas instead of dangerous and tempting thoughts.
Yoga and meditation both help greatly, but hiking or gardening--or mundane things like heavy work on the farm fixing fences, clearing and shoveling debris, cutting firewood, etc. are the places I lose track of being "me thinking" most easily and well.
I find some of the discussion earlier a little muddy for my simple mind, but it seems the consensus is to focus first on not drinking for any reason, and all else follows that.
Certainly that has been my approach this time. I [literally] can't afford to screw up and relapse this close to the brass ring of retirement, whatever trauma or baggage is bubbling up to my surface right now.
I have too many years in and too much to lose. I also have come to really hate how I feel drunk. No fun, no illumination, no nothing good. That is long over, maybe for all of us posting here. That's pretty solid incentive also, if needed.
I always feel obliged in public (not here--you guys get it) to talk about the holistic holy reasons I quit. To become a better-adjusted person, to grow up emotionally, to reach my potential, etc. etc. etc.
Those things are true too, but honestly, the compelling drive for me this past 8 months has been survival. Fear of this thing really getting on top of me and finishing me off, or ruining what's left of my life. That is visceral, and immediate. Inevitable self-immolation was in the post-industrial burnt-out foreground of my last relapse, no kidding.
Fixing my psyche and processing my Whys right now are distant misty mountains in my far off landscape--there to be visited when I have time and leisure, but they need not be resolved, even by my ever-busy mind if they take my focus off sober-no-matter-what.
It has made parts of my anhedonia worse, but oddly some emotions are flowing more easily. I don't know where this will all go, but more than ever I treasure each day of sobriety I'm racking up. I'm pleased, happy, and grateful the cravings seem more like stupid ideas instead of dangerous and tempting thoughts.
Incredible post, Hawk.
Keep going, O.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I have reframed “I feel empty inside” into “I am a vessel that has space”.
It's worked pretty well, not lately with COVID, but often.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,435
Sass, those sound amazing.
I was hard-core addicted to those “no bake” cookies with oats, peanut butter, butter butter, and cocoa.
I still drool thinking of having a warm pan full of mix off the stove
Damn the wax paper and cookie-size portions. Gimme a soup spoon, Star Trek on the tube, and a long evening to finish them off. . .
I was hard-core addicted to those “no bake” cookies with oats, peanut butter, butter butter, and cocoa.
I still drool thinking of having a warm pan full of mix off the stove
Damn the wax paper and cookie-size portions. Gimme a soup spoon, Star Trek on the tube, and a long evening to finish them off. . .
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Who's drinking?
Not me, that's for sure.
Good thing, as it allows me to be present and mother eldest who has been in the midst of a "Why is Covid happening to me?!?" crisis. I made her come up with three things she is grateful for right now, today. Also, I told her she can stay at my house right now, but only if she doesn't drink. It gives her space from her roommates and gives the cats some company, not to mention making the house look lived in...
I thought for about a nanosecond about going home to be with her. Nope nope nope. Baaaaad idea.
Got released for return to work, so I'll be back at it tomorrow. Ugh. I know I'm so lucky to have a job and to be able to work from "home." But still, ugh. Once I'm over the hump of knowing if I'll retain my current position or not, it'll be better. (I'm guaranteed a job, but it's not FMLA so doesn't have to be the same position or the same pay. ) I'm ok with whatever but don't like the not knowing part.
You know.
Whatever happens will happen. Can't control anything but my own self.
Not me, that's for sure.
Good thing, as it allows me to be present and mother eldest who has been in the midst of a "Why is Covid happening to me?!?" crisis. I made her come up with three things she is grateful for right now, today. Also, I told her she can stay at my house right now, but only if she doesn't drink. It gives her space from her roommates and gives the cats some company, not to mention making the house look lived in...
I thought for about a nanosecond about going home to be with her. Nope nope nope. Baaaaad idea.
Got released for return to work, so I'll be back at it tomorrow. Ugh. I know I'm so lucky to have a job and to be able to work from "home." But still, ugh. Once I'm over the hump of knowing if I'll retain my current position or not, it'll be better. (I'm guaranteed a job, but it's not FMLA so doesn't have to be the same position or the same pay. ) I'm ok with whatever but don't like the not knowing part.
You know.
Whatever happens will happen. Can't control anything but my own self.
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