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Old 03-18-2020, 12:40 PM   #281 (permalink)
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I have PTSD and agree it’s a big factor in my addiction. I’m currently reading a book by Pete Walker on Complex PTSD and of everything I’ve ever tried it seems to be helping the most.
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Old 03-18-2020, 02:55 PM   #282 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by entropy1964 View Post
My trauma is absolutely tied to my addiction. So its brutal to sort. I have no faith that I can ever sort my trauma. I've tried it all. I'd love to know what program you are in.

AA is re-traumatizing. I can't do it. I can attend meetings and commune. But the steps? Nope. EMDR tends to lead me back to sleep paralysis, for some reason. And those episodes are traumatizing in themselves. Counselors, one on one, generally aren't effective. Group therapy is probably where it's at.

I dunno. I just keep pushing it farther away and hope it doesn't take over. Never know how long the dam will hold tho.

O, sending you good wishes.
I'd love to tell you about it.. This will probably be too much information lol but I'm signed up as a "student" (due to grant funding it's very inexpensive- $100/month for 6-9 months, or $60/month for 18 months) and when I'm done I'll be certified to offer individual sessions and/or teach it to a group if I choose to do that.

So there's the option of just doing it one on one with someone, but I find the group aspect of it to be invaluable. Even if the certification part of it was or is a scam, I would still want to do it this way. If I can earn money from it afterwards that's just a bonus at this point. The interesting thing is it's all online.. so it's for people all across the US and our group sessions are held twice a week via zoom.

I think what sets it apart from normal counseling is there's a specific "curriculum" to follow regarding addiction and trauma, but it's made abundantly clear we can all adapt it to fit our individual needs, beliefs, and circumstances. Including the higher power concept, which at least in the group I'm in seems to tilt more towards the new age/spiritual side.

And the childhood trauma stuff it goes into is really what I've desperately wanted/needed to address, especially if I choose to have my own kid(s) some day.. and who knew the whole biological clock thing is actually real, I don't have an infinite amount of time to decide.

Anyway, that's a lot of rambling but I will PM you a link to it.
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Old 03-19-2020, 03:12 AM   #283 (permalink)
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I guess I'd also like to say the "program" doesn't just apply to people with extreme cases of trauma or outright physical abuse.. It's about our inner child, and as children our brains literally had not yet developed the intellectual capacity to understand why things happened or why we were treated certain ways. So a lot of the times the resentments we discount as too immature or minuscule to be relevant, are actually perfectly valid to that part of us.. denying this does us no good in the long run.

I think people raised in relatively healthy environments from the start feel "safe" with their inner child and thus usually develop the tools needed to intuitively navigate the uncertainties of adulthood. But some of us have to go back and do it more deliberately. If there were blockages in the healthy stages of development, those are the stages we need to go back to to ultimately move forward. Not by re-living them as our traumatized self (unless that's to release or acknowledge a natural emotion), but by learning to give ourselves now what we never had then.
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Old 03-19-2020, 07:16 AM   #284 (permalink)
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Thanks Cosima. Even if it simply helps with my own problems I might check it out. I did ask a couple of questions in the PM regarding the 'true' nature of the certification.

Where for art thou O? Hey I totally understand. When I broke my ribs and had to be back and forth to California to move my poor old parents, then the holidays, then the remodel I totally lost track here. Then I got so behind and I didn't have the emotional bandwidth to try to plug myself back in here. It happens. Even now I don't share a whole lot.....it's good to be somewhat caught up tho and feel like I can follow some old friends again.

Hope you are well.
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Old 03-19-2020, 09:19 AM   #285 (permalink)
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O hasn't logged into SR since 11th of March. It maybe that O has viewed SR without logging into her account, since that date, and decided not to post; but that's just speculation.

I do hope that you're safe, and well, O. x
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Old 03-19-2020, 01:02 PM   #286 (permalink)
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Hey O
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Old 03-20-2020, 04:17 PM   #287 (permalink)
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Come on, please just three words -- I am ok.. sista
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Old 03-21-2020, 08:42 AM   #288 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Come on, please just three words -- I am ok.. sista
Yep. Time to let us know you are there O.
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Old 03-21-2020, 10:49 AM   #289 (permalink)
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You should know by now we don't care what state you are in, we will take you however you come.
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Old 03-23-2020, 07:20 PM   #290 (permalink)
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good news: i heard from O, and she transferred to a different facility where she has no computer access and snuck in an email on her phone.
she will be discharged to sober living on Wednesday and likely able to post.
she apologizes for any concern she might have caused....
we’re just relieved to know you are alive and around, O!!
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Old 03-23-2020, 07:22 PM   #291 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing that Fini

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Old 03-23-2020, 08:32 PM   #292 (permalink)
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I'm so happy to hear this news, I follow this thread and I was so worried especially with the health crisis going on. I'm relieved.

Safe wishes to everyone.

Lisa
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Old 03-24-2020, 05:18 AM   #293 (permalink)
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Thanks fini, and O!
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Old 03-24-2020, 06:32 AM   #294 (permalink)
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Good for her. She's really going all in. That takes huge courage.
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Old 03-24-2020, 10:22 AM   #295 (permalink)
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Thanks for the update fini. I too have been following O's thread and am so glad that she is well.
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Old 03-25-2020, 08:30 PM   #296 (permalink)
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Hey!

I've been sprung from rehab and internet/phone restrictions. Have just now finished settling into my new "sober living" home. It's very nice, and the women (currently only 4 others) seem to be pretty low key, so hooray for all of that.

More tomorrow.

Thanks to all of you for being there.
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Old 03-25-2020, 08:43 PM   #297 (permalink)
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Welcome back Ob

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Old 03-25-2020, 08:47 PM   #298 (permalink)
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All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


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Old 03-26-2020, 06:37 PM   #299 (permalink)
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The Rest of The Story in a Nutshell (let's see if I can make it fit):

- The day after I was potentially to discharge (and had already seen the discharge coordinator), a substitute counselor delivered a recommendation from the facility - to my daughters and I at the same time - that I go to sober living at discharge. I was caught off guard because no one had ever addressed my earlier concerns/objections and my counselor had not said anything to give me the impression that this is what she would recommend regardless. So being trapped by love for my kids and not willing to alienate them any further, I quickly arranged with the discharge person that I would go to "extended care," which is where I spent the last two weeks. There was nothing different about the program, really - aside from size (much smaller) and 12-step focus (much larger, which is saying quite a lot). The good news is that this gave me time to more carefully mull over sober living and decide, "It sure couldn't hurt. Unless I really can't deal with the women there."
- There were odd things and idiosyncrasies in that new rehab, but nothing to speak of until or unless we run out of other things to discuss. The fine and good thing was that there were only four women there for a few days and we really gelled. That was a welcome and affirming change from rehab #1.
- As I said yesterday, my sober living home is very nice. Craftsman style with wood floors/trim and stained glass windows throughout. I share the home with 4 other very nice women, one of whom is the "house manager." She is quite strict/anal about upkeep of the house, but is quite up-front about it so mainly it's ok. I'll tell you what, though. I left a bottle of soda unattended for no more than 3 minutes just a short time ago and by the time I returned, that thing had been magically transported into the fridge. Yikes! I keep apologizing because I don't want to get a "restriction" for being out of line in any way. Being me, it couldn't hurt to be under such an unyielding but non-threatening thumb, right?
- Speaking of unwieldiness (which we weren't, but it's a clever alliteration, don't you think?), my sponsor took me to task yesterday when I told her that part of my plan for support would be to help people understand in advance what I might need from them if I ever need to pull the panic chain, which it seems I need to be fully prepared to fully execute. She asked for a clarification and though I gave a couple of ideas stated in a positive sense, I also gave an example of what I thought would not help. At which she bristled and told me in no uncertain terms that I'd failed at this thing my way so I needed to start listening to suggestions. I protested, "I am!" but she wasn't hearing it - all she apparently heard was the screech of my heels digging in. So we left off rather awkwardly last night and this morning I called to thank her for being so patiently enduring with me and apologize for my tone. She reiterated that I need to do things differently this time and I held my tongue aside from acknowledging that she was correct. One small step forward for Obladi-kind, perhaps.
- I'm working now on getting clearance to return to work. I spoke with my manager last week and she sounded very welcoming, so I'm hoping all will be well on that front. We are currently working from home 100%, so I'm thinking sober living was an extremely good move, seeing as I didn't know this was coming. This time, occupational health wants a certificate of completion from the rehab (so I'll get one from both places) and a release from my provider. Being the good and responsible human he is, Daniel wants to meet with me before writing that release. I suppose I could get clearance from the doctor at the last rehab, but think it's better that I get the ok from the guy who knows me best. No sense in jumping through hoops just to clear them - let's make the hoop meaningful.
- It's absolutely astounding to me how easy it was to fill my day from 5:30am up to now (9:30pm), when really I didn't have much of anything "to do." But it's fine, good.

I've read all of your posts, but of course can't recall them all right at this time. I do have a sense there were a good number of things you all talked about that I want to re-read and perhaps throw my two cents in (though I've done some of that sideways in this post).

Love yous


(Large nutshell, as per yoosh.)
(How exactly does one abbreviate "usual" in the colloquial fashion?)
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Old 03-26-2020, 07:28 PM   #300 (permalink)
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so glad to see you , O.

you didn’t ask fir input or thoughts, but i’ll give some:

“ - Speaking of unwieldiness (which we weren't, but it's a clever alliteration, don't you think?), my sponsor took me to task yesterday when I told her that part of my plan for support would be to help people understand in advance what I might need from them if I ever need to pull the panic chain, which it seems I need to be fully prepared to fully execute. She asked for a clarification and though I gave a couple of ideas stated in a positive sense, I also gave an example of what I thought would not help. At which she bristled and told me in no uncertain terms that I'd failed at this thing my way so I needed to start listening to suggestions. I protested, "I am!" but she wasn't hearing it - all she apparently heard was the screech of my heels digging in.”

i have thought about this many times over the years. in general with regard to “doing differently” and also with regard to your repeated returns to drinking.
someone told me once that people relapse because they already know how not to. as you can imagine, i bristled at this outrageously arrogant and stuuuupid statement.
later, i saw that there is a lot of truth in it. i see it relating to your conversation with your sponsor about you wanting to help others understand in advance what you might need and what is NOT helpful.
i don’t know where the line is, exactly, between boundaries and expectations, but there is one. telling folks what is not helpful is boundary stuff. trying to get them to understand what you might need in advance seems more on the expectation side.
and likely to leave you “let down”.

people offer what we can. it is unlikely to be exactly what you need, when you need it. and they/we may not be reliably available. or willing.

nevertheless, your sobriety needs to go on. how to make that happen? maybe that is what your sponsor was suggesting you look at?
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