Obladi

Oh.

I wasn't thinking of whether he could "take it. " hmmm

I guess I'm worried about embarrassing myself or him of I'm reading this wrong. There's nothing worse than me being wrong.

So I guess that's really all about me?

Nathan57

I hope it's okay if I comment on your thread. I commented one other time when the same thing happened.

You are getting fixated and away from sobriety. Just leave him alone. You are in no place to get into a relationship. You are kind of thinking about it - it's a bad idea. Just leave it alone. Leave him alone. Why even waste brain space when all you should be thinking about is sobriety and your job, kids.

Just stop it. You have no business even talking to him right now - you have so much work to do on yourself.

Just don't. Ain't that hard.

fini

oof.
i can see why your spidey sense would be on alert.
you had a part in this by asking him to take you to rehab; that was out of the ordinary casual “hey there”.
the lovey-sunshiney stuff would be worrying me, but i do also know some people just talk like that. however, it sounds like in this case he “progressed” to it, along with more frequent contact.
but now he is back to once daily...are you okay with that? in general?
i am guessing it might be difficult to know exactly where the unease is originating; with his actions and your alertness to them or with your fear he might be looking for something other than having a bit of a special interest since you did involve him in your journey onna bit of a different level.
i have no idea if you need to “do” something.
since his texting has dropped off, i would likely give it more time to see if things just naturally quiet down
if not, yeah, a little chat might be in order.
and i know you say you are not prepared for any kind of relationship (you already have one with him, though), but: you did not mention whether you are attracted?

Grymt

Interesting, I wonder why I thought it was about him. Maybe I id'd as similar things have happened to me.. No matter, like said, it can be that there are more important things to focus on.

fini

oh, i totally get the part about potential embarrassment if you are reading this wrong.
and i also know that that is not the important part. at all.
there is LOTS worse than you being wrong.

Obladi

Nathan, I'm not talking. It's all text, always initiated by him. I can't just not respond. That would be rude. I'm stewing about this in the context of sobriety being my #1 priority. I've learned that dis-ease is most definitely part of my illness and that fear of people is pretty high on my dis-ease list.

You're welcome to join the discussion here at any time. Everyone is. I like it.

Grymt, I was saying i didn't even think of it that way. I wasn't disagreeing with you or correcting you. Not sure if you thought I was. Quite the opposite. I was struck that I hadn't really considered what was threatening to me about confronting this. Not sure if that clarifies anything, but thanks.

fini I'm glad you understand and think you're right. I should wait to see how things go over the coming days. You're right, of course, that I had a hand in this. I plead insanity and also forgive myself for that as I was literally unable to think straight at the time. Rationality was out the window and down the street. That whole going to rehab thing was absolutely 100% directed by HP.

No, I'm not attracted in a romantic kind of way.

Obladi

I know there is lots worse, but being wrong is excruciatingly difficult for me. It leads me to feel like I am wrong, like in an "I am bad" sort of way. It's something I recognize but haven't gotten over yet. Working on it...

Grymt

It's ok. It's a jumble of trying to understand. All is good.

Nathan57

Thanks for welcoming me O - we are all fighting this thing . I appreciate the welcome and being nice about my stupid comments!

fini

okay. just reading it: being wrong. as in “i was wrong, i am wrong”. just literally already.

i had never seen it that literal way. how about a concerted effort to start with a change in language. something like: “i was in the wrong when i...” or” i acted wrongly when...” or “ i understood you wrongly when i assumed...”

for me, i loved the “when we were wrong promptly admitted it” part of step ten immediately. it takes such burdens off me, immediately. don’t misunderstand: being wrong was always bad, very bad. could never afford it in my FOO. always had a huge stake in being right. as you say: it got mixed up with who we are.

anyway, back to the guy. good, you are not interested romantically. that makes it all easier. should anything need saying.
i do like the advice not to play games. only you can know if you are.

Obladi

You all are the best.

Good suggestion to work on the words, fini. Reinforces the itch to re-read "The Four Promises" I've been disregarding. Be impeccable with your word, indeed.

Thanks, too, for bringing the 10th step into the discussion - I love that bit about promptly admitting we were wrong, too! Hm. I guess I've never married the idea of being a "wrong" person to doing wrong things. But that's exactly what I said I do.

I'm confusing myself.
Better go do my daily chore and leave off this for a bit!

Obladi

p.s. Attended an online GALAA meeting last night I'd always wanted to go to in person, but I was chicken. Loved it. Will definitely take myself there once we're able to meet in the real world again.

entropy1964

Hmmm. So I can't really understand what is going on between you guys online. Only you really know.

Now if this were ME? I probably would have been more 'intimate' seeming (based on still drinking and not being in my right head) when reaching out to this person to 'sit' with me and then take me to rehab. Thus starting a connection that might have 'possibilities'.

On getting sober, I would still appreciate his help and his texts. Its support, its familiar and hey, its kind.

But the language he is using is powerful. For anyone. I would then get very uncomfortable. While I like the connection, and attention for lack of a better word. Its going too far.

So at that point, if the guy were pulling back. I'd let him. Not advance. If he starts up again, and with any 'love' language, I would call and just explain my side. What he does with that is up to him.

If he continues to pull back, problem solved. I would say he is fishing for sure. That doesn't make him any more than just human. But definitely would need to be stopped. I mean, if that were me.

Obladi

Just so, Flipsie.

I'm sure I wasn't more intimate acting, but understand it was more "intimate seeming" simply because I was asking for help. But I just realized he is the one who wanted to stop by in the first place. Which now helps me to see that while I had a hand in this, it wasn't without prompting.

When reading back in my messages, I see that I told him I was afraid for him to stop over but couldn't verbalize why. I guess if he were a paragon of virtue he would have contacted a woman in our AA circle.

So now, I'm feeling some relief at realizing I wasn't "being" wrong, but even more uneasy about his behavior. And my lack of better judgement at the time. Ugh.

It will all work out. I'll handle it if it needs handling.

p.s. I do remember being 100% clear that all I wanted was for him to just sit, so there are no reasons to place quotes around that word. At least from my end.

Fusion

You're in a sober/safe house now, O. It seems to me, after you involved this guy in your dramatic entry to rehab, he maybe feels somewhat responsible for checking up on you.....BECAUSE you keep replying to his texts.

As you put it, you reply because it's 'rude' not to do so. I don't agree, If it were me, I wouldn't reply every day, because he may feel you're 'encouraging' him, or may worry that you've become dependant on his daily texts? Who knows? But replying doesn't seem errr, necessary?

Sohard

Obladi

So I think you two are maybe reading a little bit more into it than is actually happening. I don't, in fact, respond to every text. I always wait some time before responding. And it's generally a very brief breezy, "Thanks, you too!"

Point taken, even so. While I'm not going to simply ignore him because that would be rude, even if it's not "necessary," I will deliberately take a giant step backward in timing and perhaps in frequency of those responses.

Like I said in my last post, my focus is shifting on this. While I still think it's ok to give myself a break on poor judgement at the time, this situation is not unlike others I've unwittingly gotten myself into when I allow myself to be vulnerable. That aspect of me is what I think needs some attention, but maybe not today because I've stewed on this enough for the time being.

Sohard

courage2

Re the man, it sounds like you can handle this particular guy ok. Most "Nice Guys," you can just douse their fire with blandness.

What I advise you to watch out for is what's going on in yourself, not him. Have you enjoyed, even a little, playing around with the idea of this getting romantic? Are the squirrels in your brain going to find another way to act out?

One of my favorite parts of AA gnosticism is the spiritual axiom "every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us." See what happens if you apply that to yourself when you get in a mental stew

rahrah

For Me, AVRT was my best tool in sobriety. The concept worked brilliantly for me, it kept me sober for 3 years. I treated that 'Addicted Voice' inside me, that urged me to drink, as a little monster I kept in a cage in the corner of my brain. When I heard it rattling its chains, I upped my recovery game.
When I stopped thinking that way, when I stopped treating the voice as separate entity, when I let that voice weave its way through my thoughts as just another thought. That's when my relapse started. Shortly afterwards I started drinking again.