cantstaystopped

Hello group

It's been awhile since I logged on or posted, at least under this user name. I've been lurking for awhile now though.

So after four plus years of sobriety I relapsed bout two years ago and have been in and out ever since.

Long story short, I vividly remember having this feeling of certainty that I would never drink again when I was long term sober. Call it a spiritual awakening but the obsession was lifted as they say. It just wasn't hard to stay sober because I knew to my core I couldn't and wouldn't drink. Didn't matter if I made my meetings or worked my program or not. I was at peace with my alcoholism and made the changes in my life I needed to make. Of course life got better despite going thru a divorce caused by my disease. Perhaps it was my bottom.

Fast forward and for the past two years it has been a struggle. A drink one night led to two the next and I was quickly back to where I left off, maybe even worse. Plenty of excuses but no good reason.

So a bad binge resulted in me risking another marriage. A marriage that is a wonderful gift of my previous sobriety.

I've since 'controlled' my binges, and what I've been doing lately on the days I drink is start early enough in the day to have a few and test myself with a handheld breathalyzer. I literally wil not come home unless I blow zero. I'm not getting shtfaced, but man what a chore this is. What kills me he most is the dishonesty and stress and anxiety over all this.

I don't know what happened to that feeling I used to have. It's like it's gone, and I'm afraid of myself on a daily basis. I'm going to occasional meetings and meeting with my old sponsor but I don't know why this is so difficult again. Like no matter wh at actions I take, I am at risk of drinking.

Been sober for several days now, and haven't been 'drunk' for several weeks but just wanted to vent and get this off my chest.

If anyone picks up on any rationalizing here please let me know as I realize this all very irrational behavior.

Anyway, thank you soberrecovery forums for being here. There is a lot of comfort to be found here

Dee74

Hi and welcome back cantstaystopped

It's often harder to get back on the right road after a relapse - I klnow my inner addict wanted me thinking I'd never get sober - I was weak, helpless guilty ashamed and lower than a snake's belly.

Of course none of that is true - but it made it easier for me to continue to drink - it's hard to rise above that inner dialogue.

It is possible tho, of course

If you used AA in the past why not try that again - start the steps over? maybe even fresh with a new sponsor?

D

BullDog777

you sound a lot like i felt after relapsing with some time, four years ago. I just got clean again 11 months ago after a near fatal 4 year bender.

It all comes down to wanting to be sober more than you wanna be drunk or drinking.

it can and has to be that simple.

the next thing you do is stop by whatever means you have to.

The next thing that happened to me was i got my soul back. like i wasn't a zombie anymore or a slave to the bottle. I started to feel good again.

The depression lifted, the anxiety subsided, the paranoia left. The self loathing and regret was turning to pride because i was doing the right thing now.

I say this a lot. This life, what we do to stay sober...this by far is the easier softer way.

i hope you feel better soon.

Clean30

I know what you mean. I stopped for a couple years and went back at it for 3 years. Nothing could stop my but myself. I lost a girlfriend I met in that sober break too.

TBH with you if you feel like you want to party and risk losing a women or your license and end up in a ditch naked then you will take that risk. If you don't want to live that life then you just won't because you are sick of it.

I'm sick of it is why I quit again. I drank enough beer for 30 lifetimes, I hung up my nutcase card.

The right thing to do is quit messing with alcohol intentionally. Or you could wait until you hit rock bottom and hope that's enough to scare you straight. I suggest you do the wise thing and drop the bad habit.

People are getting rich off of making others drunk so let them find their money elsewhere. Spend your money on yourself for good things that help you and not for the bad. Who wants to pay for bad things anyways? That's kinda weird lol

cantstaystopped

Hi clean30, Trust me I'm not partying. It's isolation drinking at home and not very fun. Not that that matters I guess. Drinking is drinking. I'm just trying to write/talk/reflect on what I'm thinking before I take the action of taking the first sip and doing some contrary action. I want sobriety more than a drink but yet here I am.

It's like every day is the same and I pray for strength to overcome tomorrow. Sometimes it works, other times not. All I know is the obsession is there now where before it wasn't. Like a switch flipped.

Thanks all for the responses.

Dee74

There are some great ideas here on making a recovery plan cantstaystopped

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Gottalife

My experience was the same, and it is well described in the big book. I had lost the power of choice in drink. What this meant was that there was little or no sane thought going on just prior to the first drink. The almost certain consequences did not flood into the mind to deter me. There was a complete failure of the kind of defence that stops one putting one's hand on a hot stove.

So the day goes like this. "I feel awful, I am NOT drinking today!. da de da, da de da, "S81t! I am on my third drink, don't even remeber the first. How the hell did that happen...craving kicks in, oh well I'll stop after....

I wanted to be sober and normal more than anything in the world. Yet again, the big book describes this baffling feature of alcoholism "the absolute inability to leave it alone no matter how great the wish." This was my experience. It may not be the experience of others, yet.

The needed power wasn't there. Hence the whole AA deal of introducing me to a higher octane power that would solve my problem.

stevieg46

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Hi Cant stay stopped , I can identify with being off booze for a long time then returning to alcohol , I was 20 years then drank . I have never met anyone that has had a spiritual awakening and is doing 10 and 11 and 12 and practicing the principles in all of their affairs go out and lift a drink .

BB talks about failing to enlarge on our spiritual life , well I certainly enlarged on my material and physical and financial life , I went to the gym and enlarged my biceps my ego and my head while AA ''propped me up '' all the while looking good talking good nice home nice car nice holidays all these things took precedence over any spiritual life , looking back I knew nothing about spirituality absolute zero cos I only talked the talk and all these good feelings wore off cos I never had a spiritual life and I became restless irritable and discontent , then I became an ''excitement chaser '' smoked some weed , gambled heavy , got involved in illegal activities , and had affairs though married , I rationalized and justified my actions thinking you can do anything you want except drink and I repeated these actions going from one to another cos I was restless and irritable and discontent suffering from the ''spiritual malady '' little did I know that a time bomb was inside and once all these external behaviors stopped making me feel good inside, the desire for drink then the craving returned then the obsession returned then bang the bomb went off after 20 years .

I wont bore you with the next 12 years of hell until I gave in and totally surrendered nearly 11 years ago , I done the real deal came to believe made a decision in 3 then acted on it , now God has done for me what I could not do my self , I am happy joyous and free and had a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 steps and living in the Fellowship of the Spirit,and experiencing a new freedom .

Throw in the towel and start from the beginning do the real deal get a sponsor and start working the program , many tried to hold on to our old ideas like me and the result was nil , the Ego has to be smashed we need to experience ''Ego deflation at depth '' then ,and only then are we willing to go to any lengths .

You can if your lucky learn from your mistakes though luck has nothing to do with it , take care my friend '' do the deal ''

Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .

Mountainmanbob

I hit that spot a few times when I was sober
and each time ended up drinking yet again.

Seems that keeping an active working Program is of most importance.
That's an interesting thing because, Programs vary so much.

For 9 sober years my Program has consisted mostly of:
Prayer, church, bible studies, SoberRecovery.com, AA meetings.

M-Bob

Done4today

Welcome back Cantstaystopped. Many prayers that you surrender again and start on your path of recovery. I would suggest that you ask Stevieg46 to be your virtual sponsor. He has what you want and has been where you are.

entropy1964

The two most obvious 'things' in your post are :

1. You're only kinda sorta working the program. If AA is your program of choice, then step up your participation. Conscious contact with your HP....that's kind of the foundation.

2. You're lying. Get honest. No matter what the cost.

Clean30

That obsession is you enjoying being drunk. If you didn't like it you would be dry. There is no way you can turn off that desire. It's as simple as giving in and indulging or not.

I miss getting hammered and playing video games and chatting online. No doubt that is fun to me. But now the hang overs and the general bad health have finally outweighed the 3 hours of fun. Really they always outweighed it I am just coming to admit this.

Sobriety is not an object or something you need to achieve. It's not on a shelf just out of reach. You don't need to climb Mt. Everest to get the gold Sobriety trophy.

Sobriety is the result of you putting a stop to your hands rising to your mouth with a bottle! lol Its that simple. If you can't control your hands what can you control?

NYCDoglvr

What I've learned is that feelings aren't facts. I may think I'll never drink again but I have no way of knowing that. No one does. I'm glad I stay vigilant and keep going to meetings because while I know I have another drink in me I don't think I have another recovery in me. I've heard it said that the first time -- recovery -- is a gift. So many people relapse and never get sober again. If you want to stay sober, don't look for some magical belief to appear, jump in and work the program hard.

Algorithm

I see a couple interesting things which might qualify as rationalizations in your post, although I call them loopholes.

Firstly, the 'obsession' was lifted on your first go around because you actually believed that you couldn't drink. As long as you believed that, the option was off the table, and there was no internal debating. Eventually, the desire to drink faded away naturally.

The problem is that you actually can drink alcohol, and at some point your addiction, which never really dies, woke up and convinced you to discard the old lie.

The reality is that you can't drink without the likelihood of losing control of the effects from your drinking, but you certainly can drink. You've done it for the past two years.

I'm going to make this explicit, in case I'm not making much sense.

"I can't drink" = "I would drink if I could"

This left a giant loophole, because all your addiction had to do, was to convince you that you could handle a drink, now that the 'obsession' was gone.

Secondly, you are afraid of yourself because once the desire to drink faded away, you were counting on the absence of desire to keep you abstinent. That is, no meetings, no program, nothing, just no desire.

However, that was simply a plan to drink in the presence of desire.

"I have no desire to drink" = "I would drink if I did"

So, two common illusions that you used to keep yourself sober have been smashed by your addiction, which has returned with a vengeance, and here you are, as you say.

At this point, you have two options, in my mind. The first is to correct those two common illusions, and to make a decision to quit regardless of desire, and regardless of whether or not you can drink.

I know how it goes, because I've done what you've done in the past, and it really does appear to get more difficult, but perhaps that's partly because the addiction lords our "failure" over us to keep us drinking some more, as Dee noted.

I'm assuming, of course, that you do have the power over the desire to drink, even though you may not believe it at the moment.

If you don't have that power, AA will always be there for you.

ItsViolet

Hi Cantstaystopped, it sounds like you're caught in between the sober world and the alcoholic one. A dangerous game to play! It's good that you're still maintaining a connection to the program, however limited.

To stop this vicious cycle from snowballing, the first essential step is to get honest. Come clean with what you're doing and thinking in every meeting you go to and with your current sponsor to begin with, and get started on a rigorous step one. Others who have tried all their own variations of deceit will understand and not shame you! Without getting honest all the way and not just half-way, nobody can really help us. And without anybody else's help, we're left to our own devices and look where that gets us.

How about seeking a new sponsor that's really tough? And hitting the very next available meeting the minute you get the urge to drink?

Rooting for you Keep us posted on your plan cantstayatopped.

cantstaystopped

THank you everybody for your thoughtful replies. Just checking in here.

@Algorithm...Your post really made me think (and made a ton of sense to me. I never thought about it as "I can" or "Cannot" drink. Certainly I can and have. I've also not. I suppose it is a choice and when I was going strong sober, I convinced myself it wasn't a choice though the option was always there. It's weird, and I start spinning out on a little bit if i think about it too much. But I convinced myself that "I can't" as a way to strengthen my resolve.

The choices I've been making with regards to drinking are most definitely a decision I make, consciously. I've also made the decision (more often than not) to NOT take a drink over the course of the past several months. Not that it makes it any better. But I am deceiving myself if I don't recognize the danger I'm putting myself in...which is why I'm here. My desire to Not Drink at this present moment is stronger than my desire to Drink.

@Donefortoday (and StevieG46), I am open to a 'virtual' sponsor! Not sure how that works but I am willing to try anything. I too am guilty of mistaking gym time for recovery, and also developed a nasty gambling habit prior to my relapse. It's amazing how nearly identical the behaviors were.

I agree with the numerous suggestions to start over fresh with a new sponsor. I was a big goer-of-meetings and getter-of-commitments when I was fresh the last time, but I'll admit that once I got some time under my belt I tapered off of meetings. I kept in touch with all my sober friends and network (and still do), but started incorporating other lifestyle changes (gym, meditation, nature) because for me, I just wanted enjoy all life has to offer in a sober state of mind. Life got busy. I certainly didnt or don't do those things while drinking...and certainly don't enjoy life all that much. It's really sad...

Algorithm

This is a very common tactic, and often works in the short term, but just as often fails as a deterrent in the long run. People can stop drinking for short periods of time, when they feel that they can't, such as when on probation, or when pregnant.

That's essentially the idea behind Antabuse, which isn't foolproof, since people can simply stop taking it.

It may be a choice, but as long as you consider it a "daily decision", like eating ice cream, which can alternate based on momentary desires, the problem will continue unabated.

You can remove the option, though, by deciding never to choose to drink again. In that way, you can make it a non-choice, instead of a daily decision.

Without the ambivalence, you can move forward.