you sound a lot like i felt after relapsing with some time, four years ago. I just got clean again 11 months ago after a near fatal 4 year bender.
It all comes down to wanting to be sober more than you wanna be drunk or drinking.
it can and has to be that simple.
the next thing you do is stop by whatever means you have to.
The next thing that happened to me was i got my soul back. like i wasn't a zombie anymore or a slave to the bottle. I started to feel good again.
The depression lifted, the anxiety subsided, the paranoia left. The self loathing and regret was turning to pride because i was doing the right thing now.
I say this a lot. This life, what we do to stay sober...this by far is the easier softer way.
i hope you feel better soon.