Originally Posted by
cantstaystopped 
Hello group
It's been awhile since I logged on or posted, at least under this user name. I've been lurking for awhile now though.
So after four plus years of sobriety I relapsed bout two years ago and have been in and out ever since.
Long story short, I vividly remember having this feeling of certainty that I would never drink again when I was long term sober. Call it a spiritual awakening but the obsession was lifted as they say. It just wasn't hard to stay sober because I knew to my core I couldn't and wouldn't drink. Didn't matter if I made my meetings or worked my program or not. I was at peace with my alcoholism and made the changes in my life I needed to make. Of course life got better despite going thru a divorce caused by my disease. Perhaps it was my bottom.
Fast forward and for the past two years it has been a struggle. A drink one night led to two the next and I was quickly back to where I left off, maybe even worse. Plenty of excuses but no good reason.
So a bad binge resulted in me risking another marriage. A marriage that is a wonderful gift of my previous sobriety.
I've since 'controlled' my binges, and what I've been doing lately on the days I drink is start early enough in the day to have a few and test myself with a handheld breathalyzer. I literally wil not come home unless I blow zero. I'm not getting shtfaced, but man what a chore this is. What kills me he most is the dishonesty and stress and anxiety over all this.
I don't know what happened to that feeling I used to have. It's like it's gone, and I'm afraid of myself on a daily basis. I'm going to occasional meetings and meeting with my old sponsor but I don't know why this is so difficult again. Like no matter wh at actions I take, I am at risk of drinking.
Been sober for several days now, and haven't been 'drunk' for several weeks but just wanted to vent and get this off my chest.
If anyone picks up on any rationalizing here please let me know as I realize this all very irrational behavior.
Anyway, thank you soberrecovery forums for being here. There is a lot of comfort to be found here
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Hi Cant stay stopped , I can identify with being off booze for a long time then returning to alcohol , I was 20 years then drank . I have never met anyone that has had a spiritual awakening and is doing 10 and 11 and 12 and practicing the principles in all of their affairs go out and lift a drink .
BB talks about failing to enlarge on our spiritual life , well I certainly enlarged on my material and physical and financial life , I went to the gym and enlarged my biceps my ego and my head while AA ''propped me up '' all the while looking good talking good nice home nice car nice holidays all these things took precedence over any spiritual life , looking back I knew nothing about spirituality absolute zero cos I only talked the talk and all these good feelings wore off cos I never had a spiritual life and I became restless irritable and discontent , then I became an ''excitement chaser '' smoked some weed , gambled heavy , got involved in illegal activities , and had affairs though married , I rationalized and justified my actions thinking you can do anything you want except drink and I repeated these actions going from one to another cos I was restless and irritable and discontent suffering from the ''spiritual malady '' little did I know that a time bomb was inside and once all these external behaviors stopped making me feel good inside, the desire for drink then the craving returned then the obsession returned then bang the bomb went off after 20 years .
I wont bore you with the next 12 years of hell until I gave in and totally surrendered nearly 11 years ago , I done the real deal came to believe made a decision in 3 then acted on it , now God has done for me what I could not do my self , I am happy joyous and free and had a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 steps and living in the Fellowship of the Spirit,and experiencing a new freedom .
Throw in the towel and start from the beginning do the real deal get a sponsor and start working the program , many tried to hold on to our old ideas like me and the result was nil , the Ego has to be smashed we need to experience ''Ego deflation at depth '' then ,and only then are we willing to go to any lengths .
You can if your lucky learn from your mistakes though luck has nothing to do with it , take care my friend '' do the deal ''
Stevie recovered 12 03 2006 .