THank you everybody for your thoughtful replies. Just checking in here.
@Algorithm...Your post really made me think (and made a ton of sense to me
. I never thought about it as "I can" or "Cannot" drink. Certainly I can and have. I've also not. I suppose it is a choice and when I was going strong sober, I convinced myself it wasn't a choice though the option was always there. It's weird, and I start spinning out on a little bit if i think about it too much. But I convinced myself that "I can't" as a way to strengthen my resolve.
The choices I've been making with regards to drinking are most definitely a decision I make, consciously. I've also made the decision (more often than not) to NOT take a drink over the course of the past several months. Not that it makes it any better. But I am deceiving myself if I don't recognize the danger I'm putting myself in...which is why I'm here. My desire to Not Drink at this present moment is stronger than my desire to Drink.
@Donefortoday (and StevieG46), I am open to a 'virtual' sponsor! Not sure how that works but I am willing to try anything. I too am guilty of mistaking gym time for recovery, and also developed a nasty gambling habit prior to my relapse. It's amazing how nearly identical the behaviors were.
I agree with the numerous suggestions to start over fresh with a new sponsor. I was a big goer-of-meetings and getter-of-commitments when I was fresh the last time, but I'll admit that once I got some time under my belt I tapered off of meetings. I kept in touch with all my sober friends and network (and still do), but started incorporating other lifestyle changes (gym, meditation, nature) because for me, I just wanted enjoy all life has to offer in a sober state of mind. Life got busy. I certainly didnt or don't do those things while drinking...and certainly don't enjoy life all that much. It's really sad...