Originally Posted by
cantstaystopped 
I'm just trying to write/talk/reflect on what I'm thinking before I take the action of taking the first sip and doing some contrary action. I want sobriety more than a drink but yet here I am.
My experience was the same, and it is well described in the big book. I had lost the power of choice in drink. What this meant was that there was little or no sane thought going on just prior to the first drink. The almost certain consequences did not flood into the mind to deter me. There was a complete failure of the kind of defence that stops one putting one's hand on a hot stove.
So the day goes like this. "I feel awful, I am NOT drinking today!. da de da, da de da, "S81t! I am on my third drink, don't even remeber the first. How the hell did that happen...craving kicks in, oh well I'll stop after....
I wanted to be sober and normal more than anything in the world. Yet again, the big book describes this baffling feature of alcoholism "the absolute inability to leave it alone no matter how great the wish." This was my experience. It may not be the experience of others, yet.
The needed power wasn't there. Hence the whole AA deal of introducing me to a higher octane power that would solve my problem.