It's been awhile...the insanity is still strong
Hello group
It's been awhile since I logged on or posted, at least under this user name. I've been lurking for awhile now though.
So after four plus years of sobriety I relapsed bout two years ago and have been in and out ever since.
Long story short, I vividly remember having this feeling of certainty that I would never drink again when I was long term sober. Call it a spiritual awakening but the obsession was lifted as they say. It just wasn't hard to stay sober because I knew to my core I couldn't and wouldn't drink. Didn't matter if I made my meetings or worked my program or not. I was at peace with my alcoholism and made the changes in my life I needed to make. Of course life got better despite going thru a divorce caused by my disease. Perhaps it was my bottom.
Fast forward and for the past two years it has been a struggle. A drink one night led to two the next and I was quickly back to where I left off, maybe even worse. Plenty of excuses but no good reason.
So a bad binge resulted in me risking another marriage. A marriage that is a wonderful gift of my previous sobriety.
I've since 'controlled' my binges, and what I've been doing lately on the days I drink is start early enough in the day to have a few and test myself with a handheld breathalyzer. I literally wil not come home unless I blow zero. I'm not getting shtfaced, but man what a chore this is. What kills me he most is the dishonesty and stress and anxiety over all this.
I don't know what happened to that feeling I used to have. It's like it's gone, and I'm afraid of myself on a daily basis. I'm going to occasional meetings and meeting with my old sponsor but I don't know why this is so difficult again. Like no matter wh at actions I take, I am at risk of drinking.
Been sober for several days now, and haven't been 'drunk' for several weeks but just wanted to vent and get this off my chest.
If anyone picks up on any rationalizing here please let me know as I realize this all very irrational behavior.
Anyway, thank you soberrecovery forums for being here. There is a lot of comfort to be found here