Emotional Maturity Support Thread
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth 
I typed a very long message and then I erased it. Because I can't for the life of me figure out why I feel the need to share so many mundane details with you all. I should be here at this point in the spirit of helping others. How does it help to go on and on about my siblings' behavior at Thanksgiving? *shrug* It's self-centered. I mean I say that with love for me, I'm just saying, it is what it is.
Share away, this site is a safe refuge.
100 days is something to be proud of
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
Share away, this site is a safe refuge.
I end up getting asked why I care about x, y, or z situation, why I can't let it go, why I find it so important.. I get well-meaning advice on what I need to do in order to better myself, based on what they interpret to be an inability to move off of the situation, and I only ever meant to touch on the situation as an example!
So this is why I feel that I should scale back on doing that. I am finding it personally frustrating to have to explain to folks that it was just an example and not the CONTENT of my thread. We can even discuss the example in depth, like discuss what is going on within the scenario and what could be done differently. But what happens more often is I get projected on, as this person that can't let anything go, and who needs to learn better coping skills.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I said I felt that I would meet my future husband in a natural fashion, that I hoped it would happen this way: I would go to church, and I would make friends, and they would make introductions. That is very mundane. I want to go to church. I want to make friends. I want to find a husband. And this is all on my path, as I envision it.
However someone misconstrued the whole thing as me trying to use people to get what I want, and even suggested I would go to church just for the purpose of meeting my selfish goals. I want to go to church!!!! I don't have time and won't for a while though....
You already saw this in that thread, Cap.. but it really did upset me. So while I say I don't dwell on things and I just talk in broad strokes.. I'm allowed to also vent and feel my feelings.
It's a "safe place" until...
However someone misconstrued the whole thing as me trying to use people to get what I want, and even suggested I would go to church just for the purpose of meeting my selfish goals. I want to go to church!!!! I don't have time and won't for a while though....
You already saw this in that thread, Cap.. but it really did upset me. So while I say I don't dwell on things and I just talk in broad strokes.. I'm allowed to also vent and feel my feelings.
It's a "safe place" until...
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Yeah..
I have recognized that I want to make a living helping people through my writing but that scares me a little because people will distort my words to fit their thoughts.. No, I'm not going to chalk that up to human nature, just something people do. It's distorted thinking, it's pathology. It's not normal to take someone else's words and interpret them according to how we have always seen the world. Every person is an entire world unto themselves.
Not arguing with you, just talking.
I have recognized that I want to make a living helping people through my writing but that scares me a little because people will distort my words to fit their thoughts.. No, I'm not going to chalk that up to human nature, just something people do. It's distorted thinking, it's pathology. It's not normal to take someone else's words and interpret them according to how we have always seen the world. Every person is an entire world unto themselves.
Not arguing with you, just talking.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
A little irritated and trying to be patient with myself...
Got a late start to the day. I have a laundry list of things to do with my two days off before I work two, have one off and then work four. Got shower around 11 (late), got laundry in, then wanted to run to post office before 1.. Mom asked me to help her in the kitchen. Said I would when I got back. Getting better at saying what I need and compromising, like I won't immediately shirk what I need or want to do to help others, I can nicely tell people I will help them next. I go to the post office and then my boss texts me, she needs my time sheets, I forgot to put them in the mail. I tell her I can fax them, but I have to run home and get them. I have told my mom I would be right back to help her, but now I am back and I have to say wait, I have to do one more thing. I don't know where my time sheet is exactly, not even sure I got the disturbing crazy son of the client to sign it. I'm getting stressed. Mom says Okay but in a terse way and I think she's mad at me, so I apologize and I'm getting more frazzled. I go look for the time sheets and I do not find them, come back and tell Mom nevermind, I can help you.. I tell her that I must have left my time sheet at the client's place but I am never going back there because he is crazy.
She replies, "Well, don't tell them that too much." As in, tell my agency that I can not go back to clients because of behaviors in the home.
I snap at her that I am not DOING this, the guy was CRAZY the day I went to him and he was even worse for the next caregiver that went in there, to the point that he got physical with her. I lost a client of over a year that I adored because of family drama, I had to leave that situation. Now I had another that I could not go back to. After five years of virtually zero problems that I couldn't solve.
I was upset about the time sheet situation, I was upset about my cases not working out, I was upset that I had to reneg on what I told my mom I would do, because I'm trying really hard in my sobriety to do what I say I'm going to do, I am worked up and getting upset anyway, and then she says don't cry wolf. That man could have killed me. I couldn't stay there. I wasn't crying wolf. I wasn't JUST telling them that, like as a cop out. This should not be happening, this never happens, and this is not ME.
And I let all this out, and obviously not in a happy tone, I was upset. Her comment did set me off, because I was not mad at HER, just at the situation. And I said this over and over again to her but she still cried and said "I'm your mother, you don't talk to me that way". EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU. And I'm allowed to have a moment. Listen to my words, not my tone, don't take my tone personally, don't get all hurt when you didn't do anything wrong, consider WHY your words set the other person off, don't compound the situation by flying off with your own emotional reaction, I didn't insult, I didn't get personal, I was clearly reacting to a situation, and you just happened to say the wrong thing. Don't then cry to me that I hurt your feelings when clearly I am going through something at the moment. Everything is not about you.
We calmed down and discussed it and we're cool, we get each other. But I'm so irritated that I couldn't keep my emotions in check and avoid hurting someone I care about. It wasn't even my words, it was my tone. Have enough self respect to recognize "Okay, I said nothing wrong, so this isn't about me. So what is wrong with her and what can I do?" I do everything I can to acknowledge where other people are coming from and to not take things personally any more. But I have a really hard time when, the few times I do show negative emotions, I also end up inadvertently hurting other people, not even with my words, just with the tone of my words. This is why I have always had to use in order to numb my emotions, because other people don't want to deal with my feelings and I feel like there is something with me because I can't ever speak my mind without ruining someone else's day.
Got a late start to the day. I have a laundry list of things to do with my two days off before I work two, have one off and then work four. Got shower around 11 (late), got laundry in, then wanted to run to post office before 1.. Mom asked me to help her in the kitchen. Said I would when I got back. Getting better at saying what I need and compromising, like I won't immediately shirk what I need or want to do to help others, I can nicely tell people I will help them next. I go to the post office and then my boss texts me, she needs my time sheets, I forgot to put them in the mail. I tell her I can fax them, but I have to run home and get them. I have told my mom I would be right back to help her, but now I am back and I have to say wait, I have to do one more thing. I don't know where my time sheet is exactly, not even sure I got the disturbing crazy son of the client to sign it. I'm getting stressed. Mom says Okay but in a terse way and I think she's mad at me, so I apologize and I'm getting more frazzled. I go look for the time sheets and I do not find them, come back and tell Mom nevermind, I can help you.. I tell her that I must have left my time sheet at the client's place but I am never going back there because he is crazy.
She replies, "Well, don't tell them that too much." As in, tell my agency that I can not go back to clients because of behaviors in the home.
I snap at her that I am not DOING this, the guy was CRAZY the day I went to him and he was even worse for the next caregiver that went in there, to the point that he got physical with her. I lost a client of over a year that I adored because of family drama, I had to leave that situation. Now I had another that I could not go back to. After five years of virtually zero problems that I couldn't solve.
I was upset about the time sheet situation, I was upset about my cases not working out, I was upset that I had to reneg on what I told my mom I would do, because I'm trying really hard in my sobriety to do what I say I'm going to do, I am worked up and getting upset anyway, and then she says don't cry wolf. That man could have killed me. I couldn't stay there. I wasn't crying wolf. I wasn't JUST telling them that, like as a cop out. This should not be happening, this never happens, and this is not ME.
And I let all this out, and obviously not in a happy tone, I was upset. Her comment did set me off, because I was not mad at HER, just at the situation. And I said this over and over again to her but she still cried and said "I'm your mother, you don't talk to me that way". EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU. And I'm allowed to have a moment. Listen to my words, not my tone, don't take my tone personally, don't get all hurt when you didn't do anything wrong, consider WHY your words set the other person off, don't compound the situation by flying off with your own emotional reaction, I didn't insult, I didn't get personal, I was clearly reacting to a situation, and you just happened to say the wrong thing. Don't then cry to me that I hurt your feelings when clearly I am going through something at the moment. Everything is not about you.
We calmed down and discussed it and we're cool, we get each other. But I'm so irritated that I couldn't keep my emotions in check and avoid hurting someone I care about. It wasn't even my words, it was my tone. Have enough self respect to recognize "Okay, I said nothing wrong, so this isn't about me. So what is wrong with her and what can I do?" I do everything I can to acknowledge where other people are coming from and to not take things personally any more. But I have a really hard time when, the few times I do show negative emotions, I also end up inadvertently hurting other people, not even with my words, just with the tone of my words. This is why I have always had to use in order to numb my emotions, because other people don't want to deal with my feelings and I feel like there is something with me because I can't ever speak my mind without ruining someone else's day.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
And no I'm not interested in drinking, I was just venting about the situation.
My boss even jokes that I had had this happen to me twice, but more along the lines of "How bout your luck, huh?" and I knew it was a joke..
My mother worries that I will have financial problems if I can't accept work.. She doesn't know I have savings, she doesn't know I am on top of things, she doesn't know I have nearly 4 months of sobriety, she doesn't know how I'm doing, she knows I've been happier, but she thinks showing emotion in a moment of stress is akin to an emotional outburst that signals severe mental health issues... *banging head against wall.. figuratively not really*
My boss even jokes that I had had this happen to me twice, but more along the lines of "How bout your luck, huh?" and I knew it was a joke..
My mother worries that I will have financial problems if I can't accept work.. She doesn't know I have savings, she doesn't know I am on top of things, she doesn't know I have nearly 4 months of sobriety, she doesn't know how I'm doing, she knows I've been happier, but she thinks showing emotion in a moment of stress is akin to an emotional outburst that signals severe mental health issues... *banging head against wall.. figuratively not really*
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
Ever think of doing another line of work?
Not the solution in this moment, and really not the issue at hand, because these were isolated incidents. However, I am unhappy in this field; but it is what I do to make ends meet.
I'm going back to school to be an LPN, that starts in January, and that is what will support me as I go on. I would like to go back to school to get a bachelor's in social work and from there ideally work in cognitive-behavioral therapy. I would also like to use my writing ability in some way that can help others. I don't want to stay in home care or in nursing forever.
It is a thankless job, that is an enormous strain physically and emotionally, and can even be dangerous in a lot of ways. It is not a feasible long term career path, if you ask me. But right now, it is what I do for a living.
A job change could be possible, I could look at the medical center, something in maybe patient transport or dietary would be a nice change.. but right now with the home health agency, I actually have two clients that I adore, who like me a lot as well, and the hours will work out very nicely with my school schedule coming up. So changing jobs is impractical right now and not the issue in my life.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
The issue was with emotions and running in to defensive people, namely my own loved one, who is the most important person to me, after myself, and feeling like I can not express myself without being judged and made to feel like I am victimizing someone else.. The crying is so manipulative.. I need to get past that contempt, because I know it's not serving me..
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Your mom speaks into your life when she doesn't have all the facts of your situation. Do you want to invest in her as a full friend and confidant?
Or does she just not get it even with the little you tell her?
Maybe you ought not to think out loud to her too much anymore--unless you are willing to sit down and give her full descriptions of your different situations.
If she seems to make everything about her, then maybe just relate to her on that level and no higher. Do you know what I mean?
"Don't cast your pearls before swine."
NOT that your dear mom is a swine in any way!
But just maybe she's not the right person to think out loud to.
Did I get the gist of what you intended to share?
Maybe I pinpointed advice on your mom improperly--but I guess my main point is to watch your words. You can't necessarily think out loud and not have people want to parry. If you say x, people can't resist chiming in with y. It's just human nature.
Maybe you could vent fully before you write on threads into a private journal or a blog. After the detailed venting, the main complaint or insight would pop out at you, and you could post that.
I'm sorry if I just did what you ask people not to do with your mom episode!
Or does she just not get it even with the little you tell her?
Maybe you ought not to think out loud to her too much anymore--unless you are willing to sit down and give her full descriptions of your different situations.
If she seems to make everything about her, then maybe just relate to her on that level and no higher. Do you know what I mean?
"Don't cast your pearls before swine."
NOT that your dear mom is a swine in any way!
But just maybe she's not the right person to think out loud to.
Did I get the gist of what you intended to share?
Maybe I pinpointed advice on your mom improperly--but I guess my main point is to watch your words. You can't necessarily think out loud and not have people want to parry. If you say x, people can't resist chiming in with y. It's just human nature.
Maybe you could vent fully before you write on threads into a private journal or a blog. After the detailed venting, the main complaint or insight would pop out at you, and you could post that.
I'm sorry if I just did what you ask people not to do with your mom episode!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
[expletives omitted]
I can't talk about this without spiraling!!!! I'm so frustrated!!!!
She's not a bad person, her response was based on a longer pattern of behavior over time. She didn't know when I said "crazy" I meant "immediately dangerous to me", she thought it was hyperbole, and she knows I have quit work just for the **** of it before.. she doesn't know that I am not remotely capable of doing it now. She doesn't know that I am a strong person and that if the situation were workable, I would have made it work.
It was mildly traumatizing to be in someone's home while they were in such an erratic state, and then to find out that the next person to enter his home ran out crying and shaking because he had been even more aggressive towards her.. I should have spoken up and said something to my boss sooner..
I trusted my intuition and knew I was doing the right thing to turn down that assignment.. Her statement of "Try not to do that" was offensive to me. Do what? I did nothing wrong. When I say "I had to drop the case because the guy was crazy", I HAD to and he WAS crazy.
Honestly, I was shrill, I'll admit, but she could have gotten way worse.
Good lord.. I shouldn't have to sit down and walk her through everything that's happened in my life and why I deserve consideration now. That's my business. I give respect but I deserve it, too. And she says don't talk to her like that? What about the way she spoke to me? "Don't do that too much" **** off..
Emotional maturity is a joke, people are impossible lol
I can't talk about this without spiraling!!!! I'm so frustrated!!!!
She's not a bad person, her response was based on a longer pattern of behavior over time. She didn't know when I said "crazy" I meant "immediately dangerous to me", she thought it was hyperbole, and she knows I have quit work just for the **** of it before.. she doesn't know that I am not remotely capable of doing it now. She doesn't know that I am a strong person and that if the situation were workable, I would have made it work.
It was mildly traumatizing to be in someone's home while they were in such an erratic state, and then to find out that the next person to enter his home ran out crying and shaking because he had been even more aggressive towards her.. I should have spoken up and said something to my boss sooner..
I trusted my intuition and knew I was doing the right thing to turn down that assignment.. Her statement of "Try not to do that" was offensive to me. Do what? I did nothing wrong. When I say "I had to drop the case because the guy was crazy", I HAD to and he WAS crazy.
Honestly, I was shrill, I'll admit, but she could have gotten way worse.
Good lord.. I shouldn't have to sit down and walk her through everything that's happened in my life and why I deserve consideration now. That's my business. I give respect but I deserve it, too. And she says don't talk to her like that? What about the way she spoke to me? "Don't do that too much" **** off..
Emotional maturity is a joke, people are impossible lol
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
I guess I just feel like I've done all this work to catch up with where I ought to be at 31, and to be more in sync with reality and the world around me, and I have finally stopped being so narcissistic that I think the world owes me something that everybody isn't entitled to.. I am where I need to be, I do what I need to do, my beliefs, words and actions are generally appropriate to most all situations.. and I still clash with the person I live with because she thinks I'm still the entitled brat that needs to "get over it".. I have gotten over it, I've done that work, and it was excruciating. I want peace.. the energy I give out is not perfect why does it have to still attract such nonsense?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Hopefully in time she and all people will see you making different, mature choices again and again and will gradually form an improved assessment.
It's really frustrating to be patient when you know the truth and you wish people would get with the program--but a bad history takes awhile to erase. People are tentative: they need to "trust, but verify" for awhile.
It may not be fair, but it's understandable when people are used to being burnt.
It's really frustrating to be patient when you know the truth and you wish people would get with the program--but a bad history takes awhile to erase. People are tentative: they need to "trust, but verify" for awhile.
It may not be fair, but it's understandable when people are used to being burnt.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
It's like beating my head against a wall, Gil... I worked SO hard to be able to function like a 31 year old adult, not a wacko that can't stop drinking and can't take care of herself... And I still get treated like a wacko that does stupid nonsensical ****...
"Don't do that too much"... Okay, next time I'll stay and get murdered or hurt... I did the right thing, and I had every right to defend myself. She understood that, after she was done being butt hurt.
"Don't do that too much"... Okay, next time I'll stay and get murdered or hurt... I did the right thing, and I had every right to defend myself. She understood that, after she was done being butt hurt.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
In 2017 I will be meeting a lot of new people who don't know me from Eve, and I do use that term ironically, because I will be joining a new church and a brand new faith to me, and exploring that and letting it bring a new dimension of goodness to my life.. I'll be in school with a new class of people I do not know with the exception of one person. I will be able to make new connections without the impossible task of teaching them that I am not the person they think they knew before.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I know she's a lovely lady and you do adore her--but it seems for your own sake you ought to just hold your own counsel.
At least till she sees you functioning independently.
There are a million topics to discuss with a nice person other than your personal business.
Seems like you guys are stuck in a rut--and for your own growth and self-preservation you need to withhold things that she's got a track record of misunderstanding.
Can you take a hot bath tonight? Are you a bath person? You need to clear the jumble in your mind.
At least till she sees you functioning independently.
There are a million topics to discuss with a nice person other than your personal business.
Seems like you guys are stuck in a rut--and for your own growth and self-preservation you need to withhold things that she's got a track record of misunderstanding.
Can you take a hot bath tonight? Are you a bath person? You need to clear the jumble in your mind.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
