A little irritated and trying to be patient with myself...
Got a late start to the day. I have a laundry list of things to do with my two days off before I work two, have one off and then work four. Got shower around 11 (late), got laundry in, then wanted to run to post office before 1.. Mom asked me to help her in the kitchen. Said I would when I got back. Getting better at saying what I need and compromising, like I won't immediately shirk what I need or want to do to help others, I can nicely tell people I will help them next. I go to the post office and then my boss texts me, she needs my time sheets, I forgot to put them in the mail. I tell her I can fax them, but I have to run home and get them. I have told my mom I would be right back to help her, but now I am back and I have to say wait, I have to do one more thing. I don't know where my time sheet is exactly, not even sure I got the disturbing crazy son of the client to sign it. I'm getting stressed. Mom says Okay but in a terse way and I think she's mad at me, so I apologize and I'm getting more frazzled. I go look for the time sheets and I do not find them, come back and tell Mom nevermind, I can help you.. I tell her that I must have left my time sheet at the client's place but I am never going back there because he is crazy.
She replies, "Well, don't tell them that too much." As in, tell my agency that I can not go back to clients because of behaviors in the home.
I snap at her that I am not DOING this, the guy was CRAZY the day I went to him and he was even worse for the next caregiver that went in there, to the point that he got physical with her. I lost a client of over a year that I adored because of family drama, I had to leave that situation. Now I had another that I could not go back to. After five years of virtually zero problems that I couldn't solve.
I was upset about the time sheet situation, I was upset about my cases not working out, I was upset that I had to reneg on what I told my mom I would do, because I'm trying really hard in my sobriety to do what I say I'm going to do, I am worked up and getting upset anyway, and then she says don't cry wolf. That man could have killed me. I couldn't stay there. I wasn't crying wolf. I wasn't JUST telling them that, like as a cop out. This should not be happening, this never happens, and this is not ME.
And I let all this out, and obviously not in a happy tone, I was upset. Her comment did set me off, because I was not mad at HER, just at the situation. And I said this over and over again to her but she still cried and said "I'm your mother, you don't talk to me that way". EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU. And I'm allowed to have a moment. Listen to my words, not my tone, don't take my tone personally, don't get all hurt when you didn't do anything wrong, consider WHY your words set the other person off, don't compound the situation by flying off with your own emotional reaction, I didn't insult, I didn't get personal, I was clearly reacting to a situation, and you just happened to say the wrong thing. Don't then cry to me that I hurt your feelings when clearly I am going through something at the moment. Everything is not about you.
We calmed down and discussed it and we're cool, we get each other. But I'm so irritated that I couldn't keep my emotions in check and avoid hurting someone I care about. It wasn't even my words, it was my tone. Have enough self respect to recognize "Okay, I said nothing wrong, so this isn't about me. So what is wrong with her and what can I do?" I do everything I can to acknowledge where other people are coming from and to not take things personally any more. But I have a really hard time when, the few times I do show negative emotions, I also end up inadvertently hurting other people, not even with my words, just with the tone of my words. This is why I have always had to use in order to numb my emotions, because other people don't want to deal with my feelings and I feel like there is something with me because I can't ever speak my mind without ruining someone else's day.