Gilmer

I hope it's something really promising!

GroundhogDay

I had to deal with a computer software problem today. I was polite about it, but secretly annoyed. What I hate about these automated systems is that it is difficult to figure out the problem, but I am forced to use the software and am responsible for the outcome even though I didn't write the program or even choose to use it.

bemyself

Bump....gonna need this thread, among others, this next few days. The American Psychological Association (APA) has some helpful tips towards the end of this article:
http://www.apa.org/news/press/releas...on-stress.aspx

I for one need to take em seriously and implement them; my last relapse began in a state of high mental / emotional arousal about Brexit and our recent Aus election. We're all different, try not to be baffled if some of us recovering alkies find our politics passions to be triggers

BrendaChenowyth

Yeah.. My emotional triggers tend to be much closer to home, like within myself, things that happen to me (eg, financial) and those closest to me.. But I can see people catching a bug, if you will, as it all goes down in the next week. Emotions will be swirling like mad and it can certainly start us off on a downward trend, if we let it.

Tonight while I was cleaning up from dinner I was asking my step-dad how he planned to vote and we shared our views*, and then I thought I might invite his son over to watch the election results unfold, because I feel like I don't want to go through it alone! Hahaha! But then I thought, knowing him he'd bring some beers, whatever he happens to have or spots on sale. As much as I enjoyed beers.. Meh... The combination of the emotions surrounding the event, plus the memory of having beers with him before.. Sounds like a winning recipe to me, LoL

* It was just that, sharing, exchanging. In the past, especially when I drank, it could have been different.. in particular, I would have felt defensive. And I can see why a lot of people would. I'm happy he and I can do that now.

GroundhogDay

I think I understand the main problem I have. I can be emotionally mature, but not as consistently as I should be. I got through today fine, but this morning I could tell that I just didn't have it in me to be up to any real challenges. Monday mornings are always difficult for me to get back into a work mindset.

BrendaChenowyth

bemyself... just noticed the quote in your sig, it's a great one.

Today while I was at work, I thought about emotional maturity... I can't post from there so I was just ruminating
I remember years back.. I was 21 and in a relationship but trying to meet new people. I went on a date with a great guy, an engineer from Austin, super smart and ecclectic.. UGH! Perfect!!!! I scared the living what have you out of him! I need stronger words than clingy and obsessive! (In subsequent years, I would scare other people even more) And what I remember is that we met on a Craigslist ad, before people stopped doing it because you could get killed, and then afterward when he tried the Craigslist route again, his new ad included with the list of qualities he was looking for in a girl: "A certain independence of mind is a requirement"

I had NO IDEA at the time what this meant. What I think it meant was emotional maturity, lack of a codependent streak, an identity of her own. It took me this long to acquire that myself.. Looking back, I find it remarkable a 24 year old male was looking for this! He found the one he was looking for, through that ad, and they married within a year. She is 6 years older than him.

BrendaChenowyth

If you look back at your past relationships, and find that not only did you scare the crap out of some folks, but that in more than one case, that person married the very next person they dated, and quickly???? There was nothing inherently wrong with you, it's probably just that you were lacking in emotional maturity at that time. You did a really good job of impressing upon both them and YOU, what neither of you wanted!

GroundhogDay

Sounds like the guy was unusually emotionally mature for his age.

BrendaChenowyth

I know men in their 40s who still wonder why they are a magnet for crazy chicks, as they put it. This 24 year old had named the problem and knew how to get away from that.

I think dating and finding the right person is all about being yourself. And for years I would hear that advice and say "But I am myself, who else would I be?" And I hear others say "But I'm too awkward on dates to be myself" and "What if they don't like me that way"... I even went on a first date once with a guy who said "Most people don't like me"... Another guy, the day after our first date said to me "You're the best thing in my life right now." These are red flags.

Honestly, I never realized I wasn't being myself at all.

Della1968

What a great thread!!

GroundhogDay

Not much to say, just trying to stay the course. My husband has been kinda anxious and panicky lately, which I find hard to live with. I'm trying to be patient with him, while also letting him know I expect him to address his issues.

Worked on the household budget yesterday. Not bad, but not great either. I think we will be only slightly above our target budget for the year. Last year, we blew our budget badly. Sigh, I'll be working until I drop dead. At least work is enjoyable lately, so that prospect doesn't seem so bad.

BrendaChenowyth

I've backslid in emotional maturity quite a bit.. Had to quit a job this week but hopefully I'll finish reading Codependent No More in my little lull between jobs (another is lined up already)

Yesterday... I just felt like all the work I've done over the past 3 months had been undone. I didn't relapse, didn't drink, didn't even want to drink, but my behavior was addictive to the nth degree, totally irrational.. Very ashamed..

Gonna go shower and then decorate a Christmas tree on this happy snow day

BrendaChenowyth

It sucks to be around someone whose mood is stabilized by medication. I'm sorry to say. But I know my mother thinks my up and down moods are considered mood swings and not a good sign - I was very distracted and sad at times, and then other times made myself be upbeat and crack jokes. Look, people are allowed to have moods and feel things. When you're down in a funk, you can either just stay there or do what you can to fight it, but that will mean oscillating between emotions, it won't be an instant shift. I am learning that my emotions may hurt me but they won't kill me and they don't have to hurt others. It's not my problem if my sad face makes another person uncomfortable, if I'm not lashing out at them or crying to them. And they're not asking, they are just annoyed that I'm ruining their day. But regardless! I need to sit with things sometimes and work them out. I won't always instantly know what is the magical fix that will put me in a better mood and have me stay there. But I won't forget that I'm the one that has the power to get there. Not with a substance or a drug!

BrendaChenowyth

Another lesson is that I need to learn to put down what's on my mind so that I can sleep well. I need good sleep in order to be present and productive each day. I tossed and turned last night from 10pm to sunrise about 7am, I slept til 10 and decided to get up and make my coffee.. I put off turning in my payroll sheets and was going to do it this morning but didn't.. Oh well, I don't get paid this week. Not like I've been spending the money I've been making, now that I haven't been drinking.. and that's another thing that burns me. I buried my head in the sand for so long about how much I was actually spending on alcohol. I mean. Money. Just. Sits. There. Why am I annoyed by this?

Gilmer

This is very true, Brenda. As long as your behavior is not impacting them, and as long as you are not imposing demands on them, it's not your problem if you are annoying people because you're not "chipper."

Too frickin' bad!

gleefan

GroundhogDay - Thanks for this thread and your list describing emotional maturity at the beginning of the thread. Those are good behaviors to aspire to, and succinctly describe what I'm aiming for. I'm going to use them as part of my morning meditation and evening inventory, and see where it leads. Thank you.

GroundhogDay

Gleefan, thank you for the positive feedback. I am so glad this thread is helpful to you. For me, awareness is half the battle. I found that I scored well on some measures, but terrible on others. Unfortunately, I found it only takes a low score in one area to do a lot of damage to my life. Since researching this topic, I have been able to improve my emotional maturity all around.

GroundhogDay

I had a very positive experience today involving criticism of my work. I got good suggestions for how to improve the quality. This kind of feedback has the power to really enhance my career if I act on it enthusiastically. Yay! and a little scary. (That's right, professional success scares me.)

One thing I struggle with is low expectations of my co-workers. They deserve better. The environment in my first job was toxic, and I haven't let go of that. I also clearly didn't learn the right lessons from that first job experience. It hurts to admit that. Instead of rising above, I acted just like the rest of them.

Gilmer

I learned something very interesting yesterday.

I was out with a friend and we were discussing how put upon we are.

Actually, I have it kind of soft--but to keep up with the conversation I told the story of Thanksgiving dinner several years ago when I made an epic fail and my mother-in-law made a really snide remark.

That's long in the past. Thanksgivings are happy now. Responsibilities have been distributed better.

But in retelling the story in detail, I was instantly transported back to the horrible scene in my mind, and I even dropped the F-bomb, twice!

I was full of hate about something that is long dead and buried in the past.

I really had to work to force my mind back to the present and salvage the positive day from a very nasty mood.

Moral of the story: leave the past in the past!

gleefan

Gilmer - I know exactly what you mean about having a long memory, holding on to past transgressions too tightly.

GD - I also know what you mean about the danger zone of starting down only one wrong path.