BrendaChenowyth

I've been sleeping til noon all week because I haven't been able to sleep at night.

So I go downstairs this morning at 10:30 and my mother is emptying and loading the dishwasher. She says "You want to tell me why I'm doing everything? And I'm going shopping and making the food?" I didn't know what to say. She went on to say "I'm not here to take care of you." She was crying. I haven't even seen her in a week, but I certainly emptied the dishwasher daily, it was just after she had gone to work.

I don't get it, I was sick all week, and I can't even open my mouth to say so because she tells me she doesn't want any excuses. What am I supposed to do or say here? I don't feel as bad as I normally would because it's not I've been drinking, I've just been sick.

BrendaChenowyth

Was hoping somebody older and wiser could point out to me what I'm doing, because it was pointed out to me that I'm not acting like somebody in their 30s is supposed to act.

BrendaChenowyth

Thinking of getting out of the house because I don't want to have to spend time with someone who is going to give me the silent treatment the entire time, but if I go out I'm going to make it worse. I usually do her laundry for her, she's probably angry now because I didn't start it and went back upstairs. We're supposed to exchange gifts later I guess, I don't even want anything from her. Keep your ****ing money.

Edit: Cranky mood aside, it's NOT fair for me to accept a gift of money from her right now, not when she is or was upset that I haven't been helping her enough, because that's the deal, I am allowed to live here as long as I help. I should tell her I'm not comfortable taking it.

GroundhogDay

Brenda,

I left home at 18, so I don't know what it is like to live as an adult with a parent. I can imagine there are problems with "reliving" the tension of your relationship when you were a teenager. Both of you have likely changed since then, but don't acknowledge it in each other.

I can say that the emotionally mature thing to do would be to take the high road. Help around the house today and exchange gifts graciously this evening. That is my advice.

BrendaChenowyth

I guess when I see someone in tears over something I don't expect swift resolution of feelings. Geez. But that's what this one person in my life does, she bottles and then melts down. I think that it looked different before I stopped drinking.. when often times my emotions were over the top as well, I would always blame myself for her feelings, the whole thing was my fault, and I would probably overreact even more.

Now my emotions are stable and I am able to approach people (I have a great boss now who I can approach with issues and I love her and our new staffing coordinator is just as awesome) I can bring things up in a manner that addresses the problem and resolution and doesn't make it worse by being excessively emotional or defensive.

I didn't per se have an emotional meltdown because of what happened this morning and I don't know if that is just in line with my depression as of late.. but she came back from the store and I've been helping her as usual and we've been fine and chatty.. which is fine, it's great, we should be able to talk out problems or even argue and then go back to civility but... the crying. That's what I have a really really hard time processing. especially from her.. but I'd lose respect for anyone else for that.

BrendaChenowyth

And part of me wishes that I could have a family who would notice that something was wrong and ask if I was okay, rather than simply get irritated that I'm not available to do things for them.. assume that I am being lazy, and chastise me for not acting my age, effectively call me immature.. when in reality I'm struggling big time right now..

Last night I went downstairs to mix up a cup of TheraFlu and my step father and his son were there.. when I was done making it, step dad said "You gonna go back upstairs and be miserable now?" To which I said "Excuse me?" with as much of a smile and upward inflection of voice as I could muster.. and of course he acted offended and said he wasn't making fun of me, but come on. Someone is sick and right in front of you fixing some medicine to take and you ask them if they're going to go and be miserable. I feel miserable, I've been under the weather and depressed all week. What do you want me to do, play games with you? (Edit: Don't get me wrong, we're exchanging gifts tonight.. he gets my AAA membership renewed, and maybe something from B&BW.. I got him a big ole bag of snacks and we'll probably play the Beanboozled game I got him.. I'm not mad at him, it's Christmas, and he's not bad guy)

I live here, too, and have to act as if I'm cheerful and up to play around all the time or else I feel like I'm being unkind to someone.. As far as the dishes and the chores, I do need to get up very early and get this **** done and be done with it. Cause I'm tired of drama. See something not getting done, see something you don't like, address it on day one or day two or even day three, but don't wait til day FIVE and put on a waterworks show.. I'm sorry.

I would move out if I could guarantee I would always be able to pay rent. It might be time to research getting a cheap room to rent near campus.

BrendaChenowyth

Again with the immaturity!!!!! I go downstairs and he's home from work and they're both in the kitchen. Again I'm going to make Theraflu. He tells my mom right in front of me, meaning to do it in a light, joking way, that he was giving me a hard time last night and said "You gonna go upstairs and feel miserable?" and said that I got mad at him. I corrected, "No, you said BE miserable." Not much of any reaction from Mom, probably because she feels she's watching two children bicker.

I do not have to apologize for not wanting to be POKED when I'm ill.

How do you talk to a family member and let them know that when your energy is down and someone is having fun at your expense, that it's unkind and borders on bullying?

Gilmer

I think the sooner you can move out the better, Brenda. These people need to take a long break from you in order to appreciate you properly.

silentrun

I don't know how much of this will apply to your situation Brenda but my step daughter moved back in with us for a few months after being out of the house for years and it was weird. When she lived with us before she was a kid and was cared for as such. She had been treated like an adult for so long because she was one and was on her own. Then she moves back in and it was almost like we where to care for her like we were responsible for her(pay bills/buy food/clean house) yet she was/is a fully functional adult. I feel like if the situation was we where all adults of the same age different things would be expected of her and us. It never came to crying or anything like that but I did kind of feel like since she wasn't working and we where paying all the bills she should maybe offer to do most of the housework. I'm sure she looked at it like she was just back sleeping in her old room and wasn't imposing. And she really wasn't imposing it was just weird having an adult living in my house that acted like a teen.

We managed to adjust and it was only for a couple of months anyway. What I would suggest is that you offer to lighten your mother's load. I would have loved it if she insisted on cooking dinner every night, even if I still bought all of the groceries. Maybe also have a plan for moving out. It was so strange.

BrendaChenowyth

I don't know if you mean appreciated in terms of the things I do for them. That's not going to happen because those things are required of me in lieu of paying rent here. And I do them, just in some cases, like this week, not on their time table.

I am sorry but if I don't get to sleep until 4 in the morning, I'm not getting up at 8am. Things can wait.

I don't expect anyone to listen to my problems. I am not going to unload on her that I am depressed.. she doesn't know that I've been punishing myself over having hurt people.. I'm just not going to share that with her, it's none of anyone's business, unless I share it here, and if and when I decide to go to confession about it. Yes, I'm that twisted up on a moral/spiritual level about things I've done. You can't talk about these feelings with someone who lives by "as long as it makes you happy" and believes in medicating depression for decades. You can't talk about any of your feelings with a person who responds with what you've done wrong and that the world doesn't owe you anything. So I'm fine with not talking to her, but... I'm a ******* adult with serious mental health problems and I am sick of being treated like a moody teenager!

BrendaChenowyth

I work and I've been going to school and I am about to head back to school in a coupe weeks... and I actually do help her a lot around the house, but as I've been on about, this week has been incredibly difficult for me.

ScottFromWI

You tell them you want to talk. You tell them all the things that you tell us here. You tell them you are feeling down and bullied.

In a sense what you are doing now is a lot like what you were doing with alcohol...trying to escape your issues with your parents. Venting is fine and necessary at times but it doesn't fix the problem . In this specific case the problem is the relationship with your parents and for better or worse you need to address it. The end soliton may be that you need to physically move out on your own, but for now you live there and simplify avoiding the situation will not help.

BrendaChenowyth

What would I say? I don't want to come across as entitled and I believe that I would.

And I don't think women vent to escape, it is to help process. That's not an escape.

ScottFromWI

You say: "Mom/dad, I'd like to talk seriously about our relationship."

And then you tell them respectfully what your issues are. Then you let them talk about there issues with the situation as well. And listen carefully what they have to say.

Every relationship requires compromise whether it's parent/child, spouse/partner, coworker, etc. And there is always conflict as well..even in the best of relationships. Communication is the key to resolving said conflict

BrendaChenowyth

I absolutely agree with everything you just said. I have tried before and it became a circular discussion where no matter what I say there is a defense. It may not be worth trying again.

PhoenixJ

Brenda- you are working and going to school. Do either of those 2 have support networks you could tap into? Someone about being in recovery, depression, stress? The most important thing here -is your health, mental and physical. You say not sleeping until 0400 some times. So there is lack of sleep as well. Your mum is probably feeling stressed and does not know how to express that. If you guys do not talk to each other- resentments build.

I see a counsellor for my recovery, plus meetings. My sobriety is vital and it remains my main priority. On top of my study, my art- everything. I see my doc. to keep a lid on physical health- especially depression and sleep. I also talk to my counsellor about personal issues- a neutral person I can talk to and trust. I also often would forget basics- food, like. So HALTS(ad). If you just continue- your step dad and your mum cannot know what you are going through. No you are not a teen, but how are they to know what is going on inside your head?

silentrun

I hope you know I wasn't implying that you weren't pulling your weight somehow. I wasn't even all that upset with my step daughter over the situation. It have never cried to either of the girls or in front of them. It seems inappropriate except for the most extreme of situations. A child is not responsible for a parent's emotional stability no matter the age.

My other daughter has some bad anxiety related issues. I give her such horrible advice we have come to the understanding I'm pretty much useless when it comes to helping her cope. It's like me and the booze. Only someone who has been there can get it.

ScottFromWI

If you plan to keep living there I would think that it's still worth trying again. Think about how hard your sobriety was to achieve and how many times you had to try before it started working - relationships require just as much sometimes.

And remember - a circular discussion can only continue if all parts of the circle keep going. Be the bigger person by breaking the circle and just listening for a bit - you might be surprised what you hear.

paulokes

Well...I'm at home for Christmas and feeling like a stroppy teenager at least if not (always) behaving like one I always feel this way when I come home...in my opinion it's unavoidable. Family dynamics run deep...when we're around family we all tend to fall in to familiar patterns of feeling, thinking, relating...

In terms of emotional maturity...I often have to remind myself that no one is responsible for how I feel. As an adult I have a choice to be here or not be here, stay angry or don't, say something or don't.

I find I become less assertive around my family...I will either stay quiet and bottle things up, or snap and say something I will regret...or active in a more passive way to signal my unhappiness at a situation.

I often feel like I make progress in my life in general, find more useful ways to respond and and react...then I come home for a few days and feel like I am back to square one

But yep...my number one thought in terms of emotional maturity is that no one can MAKE me feel a certain way. My feelings, my responsibility. That's about as fat as I get, when it comes to family and being mature

P

BrendaChenowyth

Hun, I know

Okay, so maybe it is universal or at the very least common.

I look to others, and her in particular to say the right thing.. I am slowly but surely learning not to expect this from her. And that's okay!! I am the one who needs to adjust my expectations! I can do that..