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Old 06-13-2013, 02:12 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Really glad you posted this.. unfortunately I did the EXACT same thing. Decided I wanted to quit drinking at 30. Five years later realized that I NEEDED to quit because I was killing myself. Did an outpatient rehab.. group counseling 3x a week. Stayed sober for a while and then stopped going. Some time later I said, "Well, that's that. It was hard but no big deal. I can now have a drink once in a while like normal people do." That was last year. Now I'm 36 and drink a twelve pack every other day. Get drunk, wake up hung over. No booze for a day. Feel better the next day and do it all over again. I'm such a dumb ass.
It was easier before because I didn't really have withdrawal symptoms. Now I get a little shaky and have heart palpitations when not drinking. Do yourself a favor and don't drink. Have a hot dog and a soda at the game and laugh the whole way home that you just saved your own life.
Go Bruins!
And yes, today I made the decision to get sober. Again. Need to taper off for a few days, but should be off the booze completely by Monday. And now that I found this forum, I have some people to talk to when the demons return and I'll STAY SOBER this time.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:14 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, lb2101
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:16 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Really glad you posted this.. unfortunately I did the EXACT same thing. Decided I wanted to quit drinking at 30. Five years later realized that I NEEDED to quit because I was killing myself. Did an outpatient rehab.. group counseling 3x a week. Stayed sober for a while and then stopped going. Some time later I said, "Well, that's that. It was hard but no big deal. I can now have a drink once in a while like normal people do." That was last year. Now I'm 36 and drink a twelve pack every other day. Get drunk, wake up hung over. No booze for a day. Feel better the next day and do it all over again. I'm such a dumb ass.
It was easier before because I didn't really have withdrawal symptoms. Now I get a little shaky and have heart palpitations when not drinking. Do yourself a favor and don't drink. Have a hot dog and a soda at the game and laugh the whole way home that you just saved your own life.
Go Bruins!
And yes, today I made the decision to get sober. Again. Need to taper off for a few days, but should be off the booze completely by Monday. And now that I found this forum, I have some people to talk to when the demons return and I'll STAY SOBER this time.
I'm in the same boat. Tomorrow is going to be my Day 1. If it is yours as well then good luck!
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Old 06-13-2013, 04:02 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Welcome lb2101
Consider seeing a Dr instead of tapering - why wait til Monday?

are you still out there FF?

D
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Old 06-14-2013, 07:42 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Hey everyone,
Sorry for delay, my kids "graduated" today so I have been really busy with parents meetings and helping to fill out the various paper work they need for the kids going to kindergarden next year or other LRE programs, I feel like I've spent my entire life in meetings! I did decide to hit up an AA meeting yesterday after work, and it was a speaker meeting, it was acually very helpful because the person was a very grounding speaker. She talks about how she'd begun drinking in her late college years but had never been interested in drinking prior to that. She talked about how she loved it too much right away but the black outs and the embarrasing nights all seemed normal in college and how she'd be sober off and on through her twenties and early thrities and then pick back up again and always land in the same place. Her story was similar to yours lb2101, she wasn't physically addicted right away but it DID reach that pount and I know from people I talked to in rehab and in outpatient that I coud reach the point where I am physically addicted but I am not physically addicted right now. I fill like I don't get physically hooked on things very easily but mentally I do...I mean it's not like it's impossible for me say no to a drink , I've done it, even in early sobriety and I think that what has me questioning my alcoholism or lack there of.
My issue lies with once I pick up that drink. Sometimes I can keep it in control maybe. Tho normally I can't stop at just one, or two, I keep going until I am pretty drunk, although it's not always until I black out, not at first. Although I always seem to want more. It's like once have one there is no off button. And even if I did manage to shut myself off one night it's not long until the black out drinking every single night starts. This time around when I relapsed it took 2 weeks, and it was also the first time I was drinking in the morning and pretty much all around the clock.
I feel like it's easier for me not drink when I don't have a reason too...especially now when I have a desire to stay sober. But then other times, like when I posted the other night, at the end of a long day for example, or watching the Red Sox or even tomorrow when I go to my cousins graduate party with an open bar and everyone is drinking and having a good time, I find myself really wantin to partake in that. Cos I wanna loosen up an feel more comfortable and not so awkward and shy.
I got asked out on a date next week by this really nice kid and I want to drink on that too because I want to loosen up and not be so awkward and nervous and shy.I guess most of the time I am fine not drinking even if part of me wants to because I like drinking just to drink but when there is an actual reason, it really ignites that desire you know? But I guess other times I can take it or leave it and I guess part of me is like "well if you were an alcohoic there would never be a time where you'd leave it" Although as I read this over again i realize that this leave it thing didnt begin till I actually went to rehab or was activly trying to stay sober when I was drinking I sure as hell NEVER said no to a drink so I guess its not the same
But my therapst told me that the reason alcoholics stay sober is because they dont drink period, don't make drinking an option, that all sober alcoholics say no to alcohol all the time and being able to say no doesn't mean I am not one and that the proof lies in what happens when I take that drink and how something in my brain goes off like a switch and demands MORE. We have actually discoverd I am like that with A LOT of things, I am very all or nothing or black and white which can really be a hinderance
I guess I am bad at seeing grey areas and that is what is hurting me here.
And GottaLife, your post is a lot like what I hear in the rooms of AA or from people whose lives have been saved by the program. But I don't know, I don't think I can do this on my own forever, and I think right now TBH a big part of why it's been easier for me to say sober is because I am accountable to my parents, living under their roof, by their rules, I don't have a lot of money and I don't have a lot of stress since they're around to take care of me and disaplin me it's actually almost like being at a sober house...
I know a lot of people say they can't do it without their higher power, and I am afraid once I move out, once things get more back to normal and I am more accuntable to myslef it's going to be harder to stay sober and i am really going to need something more then what I am doing now.
In some ways I have changed. I don't spend as much time in my room. I wake up early some days even at 5 AM to go run, I try and engage with people more. Because of my NLD it can be realy hard to interact with people but I try to do that even if it's just small talk at the super market. I am also trying to push myself to join a running club to meet fellow runners and more local people who have stuff in common with me.
My therapist and I come up with lots of plans for me but I have trouble with follow through. Someone onace said that addicts pave the road with good intentions or something along those lines and I think thats pretty accurate about me I mean to do all these good things but I dont always do them because they are scary or hard or whatever...
I know meeting would be much more helpful if I introduced mysefl as a new comer and stayed after to talk to the people who say theyre temp sponers but it makes me so nervous and I hate to feel vulnerable (a big reason why I drank) so I end up just running out or hoping someone will approch me . Its actually an issue taht carries over into a lot of my life...

IDK but the cravings I am getting are not at all physical, they are very much mental/emotional and they have certainly been a lot worse in the last week then they have been in a while. But I also haven't been running this week (shin splints UGH) and I've sort of had a busy/stressful week so that could be part of it...and then there's the Brun's and summer parties etc... I've also been ahving a lot of dreams in which i drink and even in my derams I feel horribel and i wake up thanking god it was ony a dream so that tells you something...

Someone I forget who now said that no one ever wakes up in the morning wish they had drank last night and you were so right. When I woke the morning after postng this ( was it Thursday I think so...like I said busy week haha) the first thing I thought was "Thank God I didn't drink last night" I know drinking so wont be worth the consequences I know these ones will be even worse then the last ones...so that right there should be enough not to drink right? And if it isnt if I'm willing to risk having a place to live and my family in my life for a night of drinking well then damn that tells you something huh?

I guess it's just confusing for me because I feel like I need alcohol not becase I'm addicted but because it helps me, helps me not be so shy, helps me sleep, helps me relax, helps me have fun etc...I don't know if that really makes me an alcoholic but then otehrs times I'm drinking just to drink when things get out of control so...who knows.

I overthink everything, obviously. But reading my old posts here I have no idea why I'd want to go back, I've heard the stories, I know it all you know but I still can't get rid of that desire, I dont understand it. And I'm afraid I won't make it that I'm going to go back that I'm actually going to get physically addicted like everyone says, it wont take much, not with how I get once I start...I know I am the only one with the power to stop it but everyone says AA is really the only thing that works and IDK if it's going to work for me so sometmes I feel like it's just a ticking time bomb so I might as well get it over with but it so doesn't have to be like that

Sorry for typos I just got in iPad and I am not used to the typing yet
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Old 06-14-2013, 08:37 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Really glad to hear from you Fenway. There is a lot of insight in that post. I can relate to the over thinking. Eckhart Tolle says to not be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction. Haha. Things became a little easier for me when someone wrote to just do the next right thing. It's amazing how honestly helpful some of the cliches are when you can appreciate what they mean. I just made the best decision for my sobriety on the one next thing I had to face. And I did it over and over. And after many many cravings and struggles I made it through sober, it eventually got better. My self esteem improved by accomplishing this, and that's when I realized I deserved to live sober, that it was a desirable way to live and I deserved it. I really really hope you start to see it that way too. As for the shyness, I don't think any guy finds a little outgoing-ness worth having to hold your hair, hide your keys, keeping you calm, fighting, or whatever bad things come from your drinking. Find the one who can see through the shyness, who can take the time to get to know you, and have a genuine relationship with. You are worth it.
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Old 06-14-2013, 08:37 PM   #27 (permalink)
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My sobriety is early but I do not relish when my AV starts to chat at me with its own logic later down the line. I was not physically addicted nor did every glass of wine lead to a drunk...but what it came down to...I knew that I could not say for certain that it wouldn't. An embarrassing drunk that jeopardizes my safety (and that of others) and dignity could occur at any time. The only way I can control alcohol is by saying no. Once I have ingested it...it can have its way with me if it so desires. I have to admit that I will never be able to control something that has proven to control me time and time again...because it affects my BRAIN.

BUT I still only deal with the moment, situation and day at hand. I do not think or tell myself..never again...because that will rally the rebellion troops within.
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Old 06-15-2013, 06:37 AM   #28 (permalink)
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And I mean it still is but at the same time I feel like a lot has changed. I am in a better place, .
I can't stop myself from justifying that maybe it was everything else that was the issue an that now that I am in a better place I could drink.
Hi, I've followed your story on SR. Many congrats on 3 months-it's a great achievement

I've highlighted the bit above as it jumped out at me. Maybe look at it the other way round-have you thought that the reason a lot has changed and you are in a better place is precisely because you have stopped drinking?
It's your AV trying to convince you to drink again. I sometimes have the same thoughts but I'm assured that if I pick up again then things will change once again,back to the same old rubbish I was at when drinking. My life has changed for the better, solely because I've stopped drinking-the positive changes in my life stem solely from that. I don't let my AV tell me otherwise
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Old 06-15-2013, 07:29 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Hi, I've followed your story on SR. Many congrats on 3 months-it's a great achievement

I've highlighted the bit above as it jumped out at me. Maybe look at it the other way round-have you thought that the reason a lot has changed and you are in a better place is precisely because you have stopped drinking?
It's your AV trying to convince you to drink again. I sometimes have the same thoughts but I'm assured that if I pick up again then things will change once again,back to the same old rubbish I was at when drinking. My life has changed for the better, solely because I've stopped drinking-the positive changes in my life stem solely from that. I don't let my AV tell me otherwise
I agree with ready. Everything else was an issue BECAUSE we drank. Start drinking again and all the other issues will come right back.
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Old 06-15-2013, 06:35 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone I know you're right
It's interesting when you think about drinking being the catalyst as opposed to the other way around looking back drinking has been a huge source of the issues I've had over the last two years. I have always struggled with depression but since alcohol became easily accessible able when I turned 21 it has gotten a lot worse. I hung out with the wrong people and I have done the wrong things and I've spent money I don't have and I have held myself back in every way.
My parents have zero trust in me and there is an obvious difference between how they treat me and how they treat my brother and sister, pretty much everything I do is wrong until I prove otherwise, they always assume I am going to F*** up,which I guess I can't blame them for but some things I feel like are unfair for the to get upset about
Like I am really trying here I am staying sober trying to be more grateful trying to make money but its hard when I have to pay rent and pay off my student loans when both my brother and my sister don't pay theirs and both have credit card, I always feel like the odd one out, the one that's expected to screw up and I know I probably brought it on myself because I have been a f*** up half my life, always making the wrong choices, hanging out with the wrong people, doing the wrong thing...
But even now when I feel like I am in a better place I get down on myself becsuse I feel like everything I do is still wrong to them. I feel like I am still being punished and it hurts. And it makes me want to drink sometimes because I am angry and resentful and sometimes I have the attitude of well they have no faith in me anyway so why bother
But that's also not true because they helped me get to rehab the drove me to outpatient every day they have done a lot for me and I am lucky because not everyone has that but...I don't know, I guess I am getting all poor me and its an ugly color on anyone but I can't help how I feel even if i come off like a spoiled brat, I've held onto these resentments for a long time. I have always felt like I get treated more harshly or more is expected out of me or something...it's hard to explain but things that I would get s*** for my brother and sister get away with and it's immature and childish but I find it upsetting
And the divide is every greater now because I am sitting here at this stupid f***ing parry and they are along with everyone else drinking and having a good time but I can't do that cos I'm the f*** up, just like I can't have a credit card because I can't be trusted and I have to pay student loans because it's my own fault I don't work and yet my brother who makes a hell of a lot more than me gets that leisure, they're still punishing me for dating my ex, I get dating an addict was a bad choice but I'm an addict too I know it's hard for them but I don't know...I don't even know what I am saying
All I know is right now I f***ing pissed off, and upset and I just wanna punch someone for no reason. It's stupid but when I graduated college two years ago I just had a dinner, I got money and every penny went to student loans, my parents are paying my brother's loans and he gets to keep all the money and its making me angry, and it's making me angry that I'm surrounded by alcohol and I can't drink. Because right now I really want to.
I get how childish I am being but addicts are childish, I dated one, I know how ugly and immature and ridiculous we can be and I know I am that way sometimes and my attitude sucks but I don't know the past week or so I've just been in a funk and it seems stupid but sometimes I wonder if because of everything I did my parents love me a little less or are somewhat detached. Which is probably understandable but at the same time... I am trying so hard so when does the punishment stop? And it's not just about drinking they think everything I do is wrong and bad .They hate that i have friends online, they are pissed I'm going on a date with a guy I went to school with who I've reconnected with on FB they're so pissed I'm going out with a guy I "talk to through a computer" it's not like I met him on a dating site and even if I did that's the norm now and I am so much more comfortable online than in person talking about stuff like this I don't see anything wrong with it. NLD is on the Autiusm Spectrum, they don't really get what that means, they don't understand that I am actually socially handicapped and I have so many character flaws on top of that...
I guess I just feel like I can never be the person they want me to be even if I am sober and that makes me wonder like what's the point
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Old 06-15-2013, 07:11 PM   #31 (permalink)
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The point is to be the person YOU want to be.
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Old 06-15-2013, 07:13 PM   #32 (permalink)
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I just read an article about signs of a relapse and I have almsot every one. I know the relapse doesn't start when you pick up a drink, it starts when your thinking changes, it has, it starts when your attitude changes, which it has, the addict voice is getting stronger and stronger and stronger and I am even having a reoccurance of withdrawl symtoms I am holding on to my stress and anger which isnt healthy and I am reaching out to you but not my friends and not my family and I could lie to you and say I'll reach out to them but I won't and I could lie to myself and say I'll go to a meeting and reach out to someone there but I know once I get there I'll get too nervous and I'll talk myself out of it. This is EXACTLY how I realpsed last time more or less and I seriously feel like I am going to relapse very soon. I can just feel it happening. Part of me wants to stop it, part of me doesn't, I don't know whats wrong with me. I did miss my medication a couple times last week and am wonder if that's part of it because it can't be good and I didnt seee my therapist this week and haven't in two weeks almost now so maybe that's hurting me too I dont know all I know is I have no wanted a drink as badly as I haven't in the last week or so they say after 90 days your chances lessen but i feel like it's increased tenfold. Sorry to post again but well I wanted to get the thoughts out of my head and down somwhere
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Old 06-15-2013, 07:24 PM   #33 (permalink)
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It isn't so much right now what you "want" to do, it's what you "should" do to get on the beam and stay there.

It's all right there in AA's HOW IT WORKS for me. The longer I'm around the more important AA is.

I wish you the best, F.F. I have no idea how you stay dry and peaceful without regular AA meetings.

Take care.

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Old 06-15-2013, 08:05 PM   #34 (permalink)
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It isn't so much right now what you "want" to do, it's what you "should" do to get on the beam and stay there.

It's all right there in AA's HOW IT WORKS for me. The longer I'm around the more important AA is.

I wish you the best, F.F. I have no idea how you stay dry and peaceful without regular AA meetings.

Take care.

Bob R
Well Bob I think it's catching up with me

I am falling back into old habits I am not going to meetings. I am not running. I am starting to rationalize drinking again. I am isolating. I am taking a double dose of Benadryl every night to sleep. I have had a major shift in my attitude about drinking and recovery and the truth is that's probably because I can't really do it on my own and I refuse to accept that because I have had success thus far doing it "my way" but my way has always less to a relapse every single time even if it takes longer to get to that point this clearly isn't working but I don't know that AA will work either half the time I get so anxious leading up to going I am craving a drink to calm me and half the time when I leave I want one even more and there in lies my major attitude problems
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Old 06-15-2013, 08:08 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Call a hot line. Call and talk to someone. Go to a meeting. Just get out of yourself.
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Old 06-15-2013, 11:36 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Well I just passed the 90 day mark and I guess I am doing well...got a job (part time but it's one I really enjoy), really like my therapist, I've been training for a half marathon, spending some time with my best friend and even stayed sober at a bar and a Red Sox game.
I haven't been going to meetings, which a lot of people think is a mistake. Maybe it is, I don't know. I have a really bad habit of having a bad attitude and wanting to do things my way. And AA isn't really my cup of tea, too much God talk for my taste.
I guess my method of recovery is just say no. If you can even call that a method. I just don't allow myself to drink or I resist the urges as they come. Normally I am pretty happy when I resist and when I am in a good frame of mind I am perfectly content with not drinking.
At first I really didn't have any desire to drink. Not after everything that happened leading up to rehab. It just wasn't worth it, and it was all fresh in my mind.
And I mean it still is but at the same time I feel like a lot has changed. I am in a better place, I am back living in Boston and no longer 2 hours away from everything and everyone I know. I have turned down drinks on several occasions and not struggled as much as I thought I would.
Someone suggested, not for the first time, that perhaps I am not really an alcohol, and that's also what most of my family continued to say even after everything that led up to rehab. And obviously drinking was a huge issue but I can't stop myself from justifying that maybe it was everything else that was the issue an that now that I am in a better place I could drink.
I don't know, part of me is like why risk it, after everything alcohol has caused me to do. Part of me doesn't miss it, doesn't miss the hang overs, the empty calories, the nights I can't remember, the embarrassment, the depression...all of it...
I don't miss drinking alone, I don't miss blacking out or not remembering how I got places...I don't want to go back to that but it would be nice to just have a drink at the end of a long day, or while watching a game. Like today, I got texts from friends and cousins about going out to watch the game somewhere, I worked all morning and took a 4 hour test this afternoon and I can't tell you how much I'd love to kick back with a beer, relax and watch the game.
There is that fairly illogical thought of "Well I've gone 3 months, even gone to bar, and a party and to Fenway and I didn't drink. Don't I deserve a couple drinks?" I am starting to get into that frame of mind where I am thinking that "in moderation" cant hurt even tho that really isn't a possibility and even if it was, my parents have made it clear that if I want to live here I cant drink but I don't think they take my alcoholism seriously, or maybe I am just projecting.
I don't know, I guess the fact that the Bruin's are in the playoffs and it's June and it's time for nights at Fenway and my friends are returning home or visiting Boston for the summer is kind of catching up with me. I am feeling like I am missing out, feeling left out and missing certain kinds of drinking. The kind when I keep it in control, when I just have a few...and I feel like I could really do that and I can't get rid of those thoughts and know they're dangerous ones to have.
I learned enough in rehab to know that this kind of thinking is what leads to a relapse but I am not sure how to stop it. I did have to cancel my therapist Appt this week, maybe that's part of it. Maybe it's the fact that I had a 4 hour exam today, maybe it's just having dinners and work functions and graduation parties coming up in the next couple weeks... I guess it's a lot of things.
My relapse prevention plan involved reaching out to people friends or family but I don't really feel comfortable doing that. I know that's the aspect of AA that would be helpful for me, is having that fellowship and outreach but I am not one to ask for help. I pretty much exclusively talk to you guys or my therapist, people who aren't really involved in my inner world, if that makes sense. I guess I'm not sure what to do or how to stop myself from this line of thinking... I know I'll regret a relapse but at the same time I can feel it coming and am not sure how to stop myself and turn around.
Look up PAWS on google, because I think you are experiencing it. Its POST ACUTE WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME, and it can make you think you are losing your mind, until you know what it is. I was lucky enough to have my dad inform me on it around my 90 days, and Im so thankful he did. I was thinking at the time "this is sobriety, its def not all its cracked up to be" cuz I felt anxious and unhappy........but it was just PAWS. Seriously, google it.......it may save your sobriety.
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Old 06-16-2013, 07:26 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Look up PAWS on google, because I think you are experiencing it. Its POST ACUTE WITHDRAWAL SYNDROME, and it can make you think you are losing your mind, until you know what it is. I was lucky enough to have my dad inform me on it around my 90 days, and Im so thankful he did. I was thinking at the time "this is sobriety, its def not all its cracked up to be" cuz I felt anxious and unhappy........but it was just PAWS. Seriously, google it.......it may save your sobriety.
I agree, knowing about PAWS is a HUGE help.

Here is a link to one of my favorite articles. It includes tons of stuff you can do to make it better.

Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) | What...Me Sober?
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Old 06-16-2013, 07:43 AM   #38 (permalink)
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I am falling back into old habits I am not going to meetings. I am not running. I am starting to rationalize drinking again. I am isolating. I am taking a double dose of Benadryl every night to sleep. I have had a major shift in my attitude about drinking and recovery and the truth is that's probably because I can't really do it on my own and I refuse to accept that because I have had success thus far doing it "my way" but my way has always less to a relapse every single time even if it takes longer to get to that point this clearly isn't working but I don't know that AA will work either half the time I get so anxious leading up to going I am craving a drink to calm me and half the time when I leave I want one even more and there in lies my major attitude problems
F.F., go to your meeting and ask one of the oldtimers if you can talk to them for a few minutes. Print out your post above and read it to them....

Any of the oldtime girls will tell you that they were just like that too in the beginning and to keep coming ... that you will get over that hump and back on higher ground soon.

I have to be at the meetings regularly to hear the truth from the oldtimers. Left on my own I falter and backslide.

All the best.

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Old 06-16-2013, 09:01 AM   #39 (permalink)
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my way has always led to a relapse every single time
The only thing you have to do, to have a different outcome, is do something different. Swallow your pride because your pride has led you to a relapse every single time. And a relapse can lead you further down the rabbit hole than you've ever been.
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Old 06-17-2013, 07:02 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I just relapsed I said I can have one glass of wine if I can have one glass then I can do this I can drink in moderation or only sometimes special occasions certain drinks etc. I said just a couple glasses but its been less then a half hour and the bottle is gone and I want more. I will hate myself tomorrow. I already do, I wanted to think I was different special and be a full of myself pompous windbag who thought I can do this alone but I can't it's caught up with me everyone told me it would i saw it coming I could hav reached out I could have skip this party when I knew I was in a vulnerable place but I didn't. I am stupid I am weak I have done this to myself
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